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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 27/05/2021 11:22

Very unattractive. I think this is saying something about how he thinks of women generally as beneath him, that if is OK to expect menial work from them.

namechangingforthis19586 · 27/05/2021 11:22

I would not give him the time of day.

JediGnot · 27/05/2021 11:22

@JackieTheFart

I think I could just about excuse it if it was a case of - my mum is always short of cash so I bung her £30 a week and she does a load of washing for me, she wouldn’t accept it otherwise - plus it means I can visit her, she’s too proud to admit she’s lonely....

....but it doesn’t sound like it’s that at all!

Well summed up.

You need to know the full story to know whether it's right or wrong... but the starting point I'd have thought is to assume that adult men who fob off domestic chores on their parents are immature and disfunctional.

WhatTheFlap · 27/05/2021 11:22

My DM was like this with my DB, but far worse. She would drive to his flat (that he shared with his GF) a few times a week and drop lunch into his car for work, plus pick up clothes for ironing, then drop them back again.

I told him he needed to put a stop to it because it was pathetic but he didn’t want to ‘hurt her feelings’. Eventually their arrangement ended and now my DM repeatedly complains that his now wife doesn’t do enough to look after him Confused

Mums can be weird with their sons!

Triffid1 · 27/05/2021 11:23

For me the attitude that went with it would be the key differentiator. if he's taking it round because he's too lazy and thinks it's just fine to dump this on her, ick, I'd be gone in minutes.

If however, he hates washing/ironing and is very grateful and compensates his mother directly or indirectly via cash/chores etc, then I'd be okay with it.

But from other text it sounds like he has an odd dynamic with his mother generally. In which case, absolutely bin him.

Lovemusic33 · 27/05/2021 11:24

I wish my mum would do my washing. I don’t see how it’s any different than laying a stranger to do it? Lots of people do this?

MsMarch · 27/05/2021 11:26

My brother was MUCH younger, and still living at home, but one of the biggest arguments I ever had with my own mother was when she handed ME a list of chores that needed doing for my perfectly capable, almost adult brother when I came home to visit. It was totally casual as in, "Ms March, Brother needs some stuff done so can you please do it tomorrow for him". It included, if I recall, picking up some dry cleaning and purchasing some books he needed for uni, but I have a clear memory of a check list of at least 5 items, even if I can't remember what the others were!

Branleuse · 27/05/2021 11:26

By itself that wouldnt bother me at all. My nana used to do my dads laundry. She liked it as it meant he came for sunday lunch. I would want to see if it was part of a bigger picture of codependence though

Seeingadistance · 27/05/2021 11:27

@Lovemusic33

I wish my mum would do my washing. I don’t see how it’s any different than laying a stranger to do it? Lots of people do this?
Can only speak for myself, but I have never laid a stranger in exchange for a household chore!
Naunet · 27/05/2021 11:27

@Lovemusic33

I wish my mum would do my washing. I don’t see how it’s any different than laying a stranger to do it? Lots of people do this?
The payment part is a difference for a start....
TatianaBis · 27/05/2021 11:27

Paying someone to do it is completely different. It’s their income and livelihood.

Mum doing it for free is just domestic slavery nonsense and pisstaking.

Ponoka7 · 27/05/2021 11:27

My Mum used to do a lot of my shopping, it made her feel useful after retirement. She used to sort out my children's uniforms. We repaid her with care so that she could remain at home until she died.
I'd want to know why this started and carried on.

TatianaBis · 27/05/2021 11:29

@MsMarch

My brother was MUCH younger, and still living at home, but one of the biggest arguments I ever had with my own mother was when she handed ME a list of chores that needed doing for my perfectly capable, almost adult brother when I came home to visit. It was totally casual as in, "Ms March, Brother needs some stuff done so can you please do it tomorrow for him". It included, if I recall, picking up some dry cleaning and purchasing some books he needed for uni, but I have a clear memory of a check list of at least 5 items, even if I can't remember what the others were!
I want to know what happened next. What did she say when you said no?
TatianaBis · 27/05/2021 11:29

@Ponoka7

My Mum used to do a lot of my shopping, it made her feel useful after retirement. She used to sort out my children's uniforms. We repaid her with care so that she could remain at home until she died. I'd want to know why this started and carried on.
How many men end up caring for elderly parents? It’s mainly women.
Ninkanink · 27/05/2021 11:29

@MsMarch

My brother was MUCH younger, and still living at home, but one of the biggest arguments I ever had with my own mother was when she handed ME a list of chores that needed doing for my perfectly capable, almost adult brother when I came home to visit. It was totally casual as in, "Ms March, Brother needs some stuff done so can you please do it tomorrow for him". It included, if I recall, picking up some dry cleaning and purchasing some books he needed for uni, but I have a clear memory of a check list of at least 5 items, even if I can't remember what the others were!
Fuck that shit.

I’m glad you had that argument. That shit needs challenging every time!

HoppingPavlova · 27/05/2021 11:30

I would not pursue this.

AfterSchoolWorry · 27/05/2021 11:30

Yanbu

Totally pathetic.

Sockwomble · 27/05/2021 11:30

Does she like doing it and sees it as being helpful? My mil was always offering to wash and iron stuff. If it was the only thing it wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker but I would look closely at other stuff

Ponoka7 · 27/05/2021 11:30

"Mum doing it for free is just domestic slavery nonsense and pisstaking."

I willingly do free childcare for my DD and I'll do any housework that needs doing while I'm around. I was seriously ill and in hospital, I was well taken care of and visited by my adult children. For some of us, that's just what families do.

RealisticSketch · 27/05/2021 11:31

@Larkstongues

Yeah when I say it's a turn off I mean it's a sexual turn off. He's overly involved with his mother. Paying a professional IS very different in my view. It just is. If he took his stuff round the launderette I 'd be 100% OK with it. It might be on well he can't be arsed but I'd live with it if he was hard working in other ways.

But his mum? Hell no.

Gotta end this. Dealbreaker for me.

That would be my thinking entirely
Devlesko · 27/05/2021 11:31

I'd be concerned that I'd be expected to be mummy in the relationship.
Also, interested in what else mummy does for him.
There's something very unattractive about a person who can't look after themselves, if they are nt.

ssd · 27/05/2021 11:31

I wonder if an adult daughter getting her mum to do her washing would garner these comments

...or would it be a great idea as mum is helping adult daughter further her career by giving her more time to herself..

Bancha · 27/05/2021 11:31

No wonder people end up with shitty blokes if something like this puts them off. He could be a lovely bloke give it chance.

These men are the shitty men women end up with.

Exactly!

Naunet · 27/05/2021 11:32

@Ponoka7

"Mum doing it for free is just domestic slavery nonsense and pisstaking."

I willingly do free childcare for my DD and I'll do any housework that needs doing while I'm around. I was seriously ill and in hospital, I was well taken care of and visited by my adult children. For some of us, that's just what families do.

How many sons do their mums washing do you think?
YellowFish12 · 27/05/2021 11:32

Oh god one of my 35 year old mates does this BUT there are a super close family and he goes round for dinner several times a week as well. His mum is just super loving and loves to do things for her family. She is like that with his friends as well - she'll come pick us up places like the airport, bring amazing pack-ups, loves having people over to stay, etc It is just their way.

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