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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
Wantubackforgood · 27/05/2021 10:41

I wouldn't have a problem with this .If his mum has the time perhaps she likes doing it and knows she gets to see him at least once a week .

countrygirl99 · 27/05/2021 10:42

I would run for the hills. Sticking a load in the machine takes 5 mi Utes I would assume he considers domestic chores beneath him.

MilduraS · 27/05/2021 10:42

It would put me off if he's not paying her. I'd assume he's incapable of washing his clothes and would expect that to be my job in the future.

Intercity225 · 27/05/2021 10:42

Does he have room for a washing machine and drier? When our washing machine breaks down, we have to go to the laundrette and it’s very expensive! I don’t blame someone, who given the choice between spending an evening at the laundrette once a week, or his mum’s, chooses his mum’s - as he probably feels he ought to see her anyway?

Ninkanink · 27/05/2021 10:42

It would be a deal breaker for me. That’s just ridiculous. My daughters live together and do their own washing as necessary, because they are grown adults. They were doing their own washing as teenagers, because I wanted them to be brought up well. If I had had sons they would 100% have been expected to do their own washing as well. I taught my children to be independent, capable and self-sufficient.

I couldn’t respect a man child, and I absolutely wouldn’t be taking over ‘mummy duties’ for a man, either.

NormanStangerson · 27/05/2021 10:43

Ugh no. To me it screams ‘overly-involved mother’. Which is hideous.

I have a friend who is like this and his mother is far, far too attached. As an aside, she cries a lot and I think emotionally blackmails him. It’s a strange dynamic and he is understandably still single at 41.

LuaDipa · 27/05/2021 10:44

@Larkstongues

Far from it, she washes and irons. Does it all.
Yeah he’ll be expecting the same from you. Sack him off.
Ninkanink · 27/05/2021 10:44

Ok I’ll concede that if it’s literally a matter of no room for a washer/drier and a choice between mum’s and a laundrette, then that’s acceptable. But he should still be doing his own washing! Mother does not = maid.

LadyDanburysHat · 27/05/2021 10:44

As others have said, if it was a chore swap or something, then perhaps it would be just about okay. But he is using her as a launderette. I can imagine she might be the type who would be the MIL telling you how to look after her son.

There is no way on this earth that I will ever do an adult childs laundry when they move out.

AdultHumanWhale · 27/05/2021 10:45

I split up with an ex for pretty much exactly this issue.

It's just so deeply unattractive.

Naunet · 27/05/2021 10:47

Wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. Nothing attractive about a grown man who thinks it’s a woman’s job to wash his dirty pants.

Reallybadidea · 27/05/2021 10:48

It gives the impression of someone who chooses, for whatever reason, not to take full responsibility for themselves and their mess. Even hiring a professional involves making an active decision about how to deal with their laundry. Having his mum do it makes him sound as though he is still acting like a dependent child in a fundamental way. And I'd also be worried about how he views women in general, does he see them as being there to serve him and his needs rather than as his equals?

EverdeRose · 27/05/2021 10:50

Of itself it wouldn't bother me. Bit I'd be wanting to know what else does she do for him? Is he just a manchild who can't look after himself and needs everything doing or is does she do it so he goes round twice a week so she knows she's going to see him. Does he pay her? If I could pick between a cleaner or someone to do my washing I'd pick the washing.

Also could she do mine if I send a bag round, I bloody hate washing and ironing.

ElizabethTudor · 27/05/2021 10:50

@Larkstongues

Far from it, she washes and irons. Does it all.
Eugghh, that would put me right off. I would assume undomesticated, infantilised, Mummy’s boy. Most unattractive. No thanks.
Clumsyvolcano · 27/05/2021 10:50

I mean, it’s not ideal by any means, don’t get me wrong I would think it’s a bit lazy, but some of these responses are a bit pathetic and the fact you wouldn’t mind if it was a maid but have a problem with his MUM? Why are women so averse to men’s mums?

No, it wouldn’t necessarily put me off it depends what he was like in any other way. Maybe it’s just the routine

No wonder people end up with shitty blokes if something like this puts them off. He could be a lovely bloke give it chance.

Bancha · 27/05/2021 10:51

For me - a total dealbreaker. It tells me a lot about how he sees the role of women (and his expectations of you down the line). It also just seems like such a lack of respect for his mum as a whole person, and for himself as a functioning adult.

There are a few comments about how perhaps this gives his mum purpose Hmm and/or at least she gets to see him once a week. I think that would make it worse. Him seeing his mum shouldn’t be contingent out of her ‘making it worth it’ for him. That’s vile.

maslinpan · 27/05/2021 10:52

Just how many daughters bring their washing round to their mum?

KatherineOfGaunt · 27/05/2021 10:53

I have a toddler DS. I can't imagine doing his washing for him at any age over his teens. It would just be... weird!

OP, I agree with a pp that he may expect this from you if you end up living together. I would be very wary.

Nuggetnugget · 27/05/2021 10:53

I would hate this but I also know that my dh did this Hmm and said his mother enjoyed it. It lead to a lot of difficultly on the roles in our early marriage. He lived away from home for several years but moved back and I know she did his washing during that time.
It's sexist and really puts his mother in her place.

Original poster
Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:53

He does do things for her. And, if he had a dog and she walked it while he was at work, that'd be fine. Nothing against chore sharing.
But that's not the point. He even has a machine!
It's not even the entire washing process. If he washed at his place, took it around her's to dry ONLY in tumble while they had chat/he did something for her, it wouldn't seem so bad.

It's just icky, you know-how a mother washing her mentally and physically capable adult son's pants.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 27/05/2021 10:53

It would really concern me - if the relationship gets serious and you end up moving in with him, is he really likely to pull his weight with the housework? Or would he assume you'll be doing it all?

Ninkanink · 27/05/2021 10:54

@Clumsyvolcano

I mean, it’s not ideal by any means, don’t get me wrong I would think it’s a bit lazy, but some of these responses are a bit pathetic and the fact you wouldn’t mind if it was a maid but have a problem with his MUM? Why are women so averse to men’s mums?

No, it wouldn’t necessarily put me off it depends what he was like in any other way. Maybe it’s just the routine

No wonder people end up with shitty blokes if something like this puts them off. He could be a lovely bloke give it chance.

These men are the shitty men women end up with.
JackieTheFart · 27/05/2021 10:55

I think I could just about excuse it if it was a case of - my mum is always short of cash so I bung her £30 a week and she does a load of washing for me, she wouldn’t accept it otherwise - plus it means I can visit her, she’s too proud to admit she’s lonely....

....but it doesn’t sound like it’s that at all!

ShinyGreenElephant · 27/05/2021 10:56

So unattractive and he will 100% expect you to do everything for him if it gets serious. I'd run for the hills

Cocomarine · 27/05/2021 10:56

@Ninkanink well said! 👏🏻

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