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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
BIoodyStupidJohnson · 27/05/2021 11:32

I have never laid a stranger in exchange for a household chore!

Now that's a typo @Seeingadistance... Grin

Ninkanink · 27/05/2021 11:33

@BIoodyStupidJohnson

I have never laid a stranger in exchange for a household chore!

Now that's a typo @Seeingadistance... Grin

That was a clever reply to a previous typo, iiuc!
YellowFish12 · 27/05/2021 11:34

My dad comes round and does DIY with/for me

Mum comes round and does some gardening with/for me

I am capable of doing those things myself or paying for services but they like feeling useful and seeing me TBH

timeisnotaline · 27/05/2021 11:34

@Lovemusic33

I wish my mum would do my washing. I don’t see how it’s any different than laying a stranger to do it? Lots of people do this?
Paying a stranger is an adult assessing that this task needs to be done, deciding they’d rather exchange money to have it done than do it themselves, finding someone willing to be paid to do it and establishing an arrangement. Having your mum do it is just failing to grow up.

I couldn’t ever move in with an adult whose mum did his washing so relationship would be a dead end.

TatianaBis · 27/05/2021 11:34

@Ponoka7

"Mum doing it for free is just domestic slavery nonsense and pisstaking."

I willingly do free childcare for my DD and I'll do any housework that needs doing while I'm around. I was seriously ill and in hospital, I was well taken care of and visited by my adult children. For some of us, that's just what families do.

I think childcare is slightly different. You’re interacting with family members rather than their underwear.

However I take great care to look after my parents to the best of my ability - they don’t need to look after my kids or clean my house as a quid pro quo.

BIoodyStupidJohnson · 27/05/2021 11:35

@Ninkanink Ooops, so it is Blush

Ponoka7 · 27/05/2021 11:37

@TatianaBis, you'd be surprised how many male carers there are. I was widowed young and my Dad had died when I was 16, so we've no male relatives. Except my Son-in-law (with my eldest) who does childcare for my middle DD. While my DH was dying, the same Son In Law stepped up to look after my younger ones, while I was hospital visiting, he'd feed them etc. I know lots of single women whose male relatives do all the DIY, gardening, airport runs etc.

There'll be a shift in the next generation, but for his Mother's generation, housework is her contribution.

MsMarch · 27/05/2021 11:38

@TatianaBis I can't remember exactly, but from memory, she was completely bemused. She genuinely could not understand why this was an issue as clearly brother needed to be looked after in this way and I, as his sister (woman?) should automatically just do it? I'm not really sure. My mum was a wonderful woman, worked her whole life, had a husband who did more than his fair share etc and yet she still had a LOT of internal misogyny.

In my brother's defence, I don't think he had his driving license yet as I think he had only just left school so my parents were still doing a lot for him generally. I don't think HE expected me to do it. It was just that it was a chore that was on HER list and in her head, that meant it was on the general "women who live in this house" list and that meant me. So weird.

Ninkanink · 27/05/2021 11:38

@YellowFish12

My dad comes round and does DIY with/for me

Mum comes round and does some gardening with/for me

I am capable of doing those things myself or paying for services but they like feeling useful and seeing me TBH

Again that’s quite a different scenario.

I’ll cook for my daughters sometimes when I visit - I like doing it for them and they like to be looked after a little bit once in a while. Nothing wrong with that. But they run their own household and do the vast majority of their own cooking/cleaning/chores so there isn’t any underlying problem with laziness/shitty attitudes/weird mother-son dynamics.

Bancha · 27/05/2021 11:38

@Ponoka7

"Mum doing it for free is just domestic slavery nonsense and pisstaking."

I willingly do free childcare for my DD and I'll do any housework that needs doing while I'm around. I was seriously ill and in hospital, I was well taken care of and visited by my adult children. For some of us, that's just what families do.

In my family it is the same as what you’ve described, we help each other out. But I think that this is quite a different situation as she is doing something for him which he could (and I would argue, should) be doing for himself. Your DD can’t do childcare for her own children if she’s the one needing childcare. You needed extra support when you were ill.

There feels like there is an element of entitlement and exploitation here. To use your childcare example - a man who took his kids to his mum’s for childcare when he could look after them himself but didn’t want to would be a dealbreaker for me, whereas a man who took his kids to his mum’s when he was at work as part of an arrangement they had would have a different feel and would be fine.

Ninkanink · 27/05/2021 11:39

@BIoodyStupidJohnson it was still funny! Grin

SpindleWhorl · 27/05/2021 11:40

@mabelandivy

Sounds like my BIL - are you in the North East?!
I think @Aprilwasverywet is!

Every morning on her way to work she [his mum] left him him his bait behind their bin!!

Could be the same bloke ...

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 27/05/2021 11:41

Does he pay her??

You’ve said you would be fine with it if he outsourced/paid for the service - does he pay his mum?

I desperately could do with help keeping on top of housework and laundry and my mum has offered but I have said I would have to pay her I wouldn’t let her do it for free.

If he doesn’t pay her but he does jobs around her home that she can’t do then I think that’s ok.

Washing/ironing is a chore so I don’t blame him for letting his mum do it BUT....if your relationship lasts you will then take on that role! I like a man that can wash his own pants 😊

JediGnot · 27/05/2021 11:42

@Branleuse

By itself that wouldnt bother me at all. My nana used to do my dads laundry. She liked it as it meant he came for sunday lunch. I would want to see if it was part of a bigger picture of codependence though
She liked doing his laundry because it meant she got to buy food, prepare food and feed him as well!

FFS!

More seriously, I can see how it can work... man's busy, retired mother isn't, man can spend time doing chores at home or he can visit his mum and chat with her as she does some of the chores (and presumably he does some things for her as well at the same time). But then again he could just make more time for his mum without getting chores done in return.

TwoAndAnOnion · 27/05/2021 11:43

@Larkstongues

He does do things for her. And, if he had a dog and she walked it while he was at work, that'd be fine. Nothing against chore sharing. But that's not the point. He even has a machine! It's not even the entire washing process. If he washed at his place, took it around her's to dry ONLY in tumble while they had chat/he did something for her, it wouldn't seem so bad.

It's just icky, you know-how a mother washing her mentally and physically capable adult son's pants.

You seem to be the one with the hang ups here. Paying someone to do his laundry is Ok. But your mother doing it isn't?

Incidentally, do you feel the same about grown women still doing their daughters frillies?

Frankly, your mother doing it is infinitely better than an Easterenders style scenario where no one owns a washing machine and Dot Cotton is seeing your shreddies.

TwoAndAnOnion · 27/05/2021 11:45

@Stompythedinosaur

Very unattractive. I think this is saying something about how he thinks of women generally as beneath him, that if is OK to expect menial work from them.
Projection, much?
saraclara · 27/05/2021 11:46

I've just realised that my late husband would have done this back when I first knew him over 40 years ago. He lived in a bedsit, went to see his parents every weekend, and his mum would have done his washing while he was there.

I world absolutely do the same for my grown up kids if they were in that situation. And my DH did at least 50% of the housework, cooking and parenting throughout our marriage, so it didn't indicate anything sexist or lazy about him.

Naunet · 27/05/2021 11:48

@saraclara

I've just realised that my late husband would have done this back when I first knew him over 40 years ago. He lived in a bedsit, went to see his parents every weekend, and his mum would have done his washing while he was there.

I world absolutely do the same for my grown up kids if they were in that situation. And my DH did at least 50% of the housework, cooking and parenting throughout our marriage, so it didn't indicate anything sexist or lazy about him.

This man has his own washing machine, so not the same.
Gwenhwyfar · 27/05/2021 11:49

I live on the continent and have a female friend in her 40s who takes the washing home, or at least she did a few years ago.

MrsMackesy · 27/05/2021 11:50

It can be a generational thing, a class thing, a cultural thing or just a way she shows love and caring thing - some families don't express those emotions verbally, but through deeds. You won't know unless you ask. To conclude that 'he's overly involved with his mother' just on this basis of her doing his laundry at the moment seems an overreaction.

abacusnights · 27/05/2021 11:50

I could not respect him.

I would also worry he is a piss taking bastard who expects women to serve his needs.

I went off a divorced guy I dated when he told me he had not cooked a meal for himself in his entire life until he divorced.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/05/2021 11:51

@sweeneytoddsrazor

If he out sourced it would you have a problem?

Does he not want to spend time ironing and rather than him paying someone mother has said she will do it?

A single person doesn't really need to outsource their laundry if they have a washing machine at home. It's one, maybe two loads a week, not a huge hassle. Ironing is optional depending on job, type of clothes, etc. Someone who really doesn't want to can get around it.
ILoveShula · 27/05/2021 11:51

He's a mummy's boy. Avoid.

noblegreenk · 27/05/2021 11:53

I completely agree with you. My ex had a good job, plenty of common sense and he wasn't lazy; but his Mum did all of his ironing for him. He'd wash and dry his clothes himself and them take them all to his Mum. She wasn't particularly happy about it and would make comments that he now had a girlfriend who could do these tasks for him! He tried to rope me into doing it (we didn't live together), so I offered to show him how to iron things properly. He said that he knew how to iron, he just didn't want to do it - cheeky sod! I told him that adults sometimes have to do household tasks that they don't want to do. I can't explain why but found it a real turn off tbh.
When I met my now husband, I was really impressed with how domesticated he is. DH does all the ironing, as he enjoys it, and I do all of the cooking because I enjoy that.

TwoAndAnOnion · 27/05/2021 11:55

@YellowFish12

My dad comes round and does DIY with/for me

Mum comes round and does some gardening with/for me

I am capable of doing those things myself or paying for services but they like feeling useful and seeing me TBH

Exactly - surely this is a 'normal' family dynamic?

My Dad used to do all manner of errands for me because most importantly (a) he loved me (b) he had the time to do it, from taking my dry cleaning to be done, shoes to the cobblers, servicing my car, waiting in for deliveries so I didn't have to take a day off work (c) my mum didn't drive so she went along for the ride Grin He'd also peg out my washing, or stick a load on if there was enough doing.

Anyone who wants to fetishise that needs their head looking at.

Normal families help each other, out. If it makes mum feel useful, so what!

I've just done ten days worth of my best mates washing because she's working full time, has a pre schooler, its been pissing with rain for a month and she's swamped with dirty/half dry, nowhere to hang, washing. I have time and space to whack it through and dry it for her. And no I haven't looked at the frillies either. Or sniffed her husbands.

It's a very MN mentality, not to help anyone unless there's something in it for them..