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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
DelBocaVista · 27/05/2021 10:57

Yeah he’ll be expecting the same from you

Exactly my thoughts.....

Maray1967 · 27/05/2021 10:57

My DH used to take his washing home once or twice a term when at uni as his mum offered to do it so he saved on some laundrette costs ... when DS was considering going to the uni near theirs she made a comment about being able to do his laundry which I interpreted as so he’ll come to see us. Fortunately he went elsewhere and is perfectly capable of doing it himself although he saves it up when he knows he’s heading home. Job this summer is to teach him basic ironing as his placement means smarter clothes. He’s left handed so this will be interesting.
I’d ask and see what the answer is. If he says she really likes me to bring it over then you need to watch out for overinvested mother. If he can’t actually do it and/ or is lazy then that brings other concerns with it.

sadperson16 · 27/05/2021 10:58

Interesting, I used to (frankly) despise women who did this kind of thing......now occasionaly I am that person.
It is a tricky stage becoming redundant as a mother.

ExplodingCarrots · 27/05/2021 10:59

You're not going out with my neighbours son are you ? I cringe when I see him rock up with his basket of washing every week. He's in his late 30s!
It would definitely put me off.

BashfulClam · 27/05/2021 11:00

My DH used to go to his mums for Sunday dinner every week before we met. He would take 5 shirts for the week ahead and she would iron them as he was useless at ironing.he did admit he was taking the piss. Only golden child.

MeadowHay · 27/05/2021 11:02

I thought you were going to say he lived in the same house. If he lived in the same house that wouldn't bother me assuming the relationship is fairly reciprocal in that he does things for his mum too/shares other domestic tasks. My DB lives in our family home and my DM does all his laundry but he does share other domestic chores and as my DM doesn't drive he does a lot of driving for her. So I think that's fair enough and the same as any other living situation where you live with other people and find your own ways to divide up domestic labour.

However purposefully going round to drop dirty laundry at your parents' house is Shock and would definitely put me off! My BIL and his wife did this to his MIL for about 18 months after they moved into a house together because they said they didn't have a washing machine. I mean, they didn't, but there's absolutely no reason they couldn't have bought one! It was bizarre and lowered my opinion of them (which was already fairly low of BIL anyway...).

katy1213 · 27/05/2021 11:02

Well, there's a job opportunity with your name on it ... and a mother-in-law waiting to supervise you!

RapidRadish · 27/05/2021 11:02

My now DH did this when I met him. Lived a mile from mummy and she did his laundry at her house. When he moved in with me the washing stopped going there but he still takes his ironing to her (then does any family ironing at our house!)

I thought it was pathetic really.

Seeingadistance · 27/05/2021 11:02

OP, have you asked him why he doesn’t do his own washing?

If so, what did he say?

looptheloopinahulahoop · 27/05/2021 11:03

Even if he was doing gardening or another chore for her in return, it's a bit weird, assuming he owns a washing machine. After all, it's hardly taxing to bung your stuff in a washing machine.

If he didn't have a dryer and he took it to hers to dry (especially with all the wet weather we've had) I could understand that a bit more. Or ironing.

Librariesmakeshhhhappen · 27/05/2021 11:03

At least he takes it to his mum I suppose. That's some involvement.

My Aunt goes round to my son's house and does all his washing, ironing, cleaning etc there. He is almost 50. He has been single for as long as I've been alive (I'm 32).

Acupofcamus · 27/05/2021 11:03

I’m wondering whether this is my Uncle tbh Grin. He openly admits he’s never owned a washing machine and doesn’t know how to switch one on. He takes his washing to my Nan once a week and she still does it for him. I think it suits her because she enjoys feeling wanted or whatever but fuck knows what he’ll do when she isn’t around anymore. He also works long hours but he’s never had a long lasting relationship and I’d gather this is part of the reason why...

audweb · 27/05/2021 11:04

@sadperson16

Interesting, I used to (frankly) despise women who did this kind of thing......now occasionaly I am that person. It is a tricky stage becoming redundant as a mother.
Mothering is not about housework chores though is it? I mean, that's not the defining thing as a mother. I'm forty and close to my mum, but emotionally - not expecting her to do my washing. She hasn't done that since I was about 13, but I don't think her role as mum is redundant.

It would put me off. How hard is it to put a load on? Especially just for one person.

picturesandpickles · 27/05/2021 11:04

Couldn't be doing with this, it is just a bad sign attitude-wise.

Not only might he expect you to do all the housework, she will potentially expect it too.

Original poster
Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 11:04

I guess the a sexist comments are completely valid. But I'm thinking this is more pathetic manchild than sexism. Though it could be both.
I mean James Bond never did his own laundry but I can't see his mother doing it either! Lol. No he'd have a maid.

It's not even though If be worried about doing domestic chores, either as I enjoy them!

This isn't about sexism for me, really. It's a sexual turn off. It gives me the ick.

OP posts:
nancy75 · 27/05/2021 11:05

@DelBocaVista

Yeah he’ll be expecting the same from you

Exactly my thoughts.....

Not necessarily, my brother has never allowed his girlfriends to do his washing - in case they don’t do it properly!
PhillipPhillop · 27/05/2021 11:05

Lol at outsourcing is ok but mother is not! Both smack of not wanting to do something they consider is beneath them or is basically women's work.

theemmadilemma · 27/05/2021 11:05

@katy1213

Well, there's a job opportunity with your name on it ... and a mother-in-law waiting to supervise you!
Ha. Perfectly put.
Rubyrecka · 27/05/2021 11:05

@Larkstongues

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry. I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK. I mean his MUM. I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

Bit drippy, is he tidy generally?

Honestly I don't think it's that unusual.

Quiero · 27/05/2021 11:05

You need to ask him why she’s doing it. It maybe something she insists on to stay relevant in his life.

It is weird but my MIL still insists on doing random things for DH and I. Things we are happy to do and would never ask for but I can see it makes her really happy to be ‘helping’ so I let her craic on.

Obviously if it’s at his request, it’s a very different matter.

TrojaninTroy · 27/05/2021 11:06

I had a boyfriend years ago whose mum did his washing. Turns out she cleaned his flat for him once a week. When he was late turning up to meet me off a four hour train journey (LD relationship) because he was having fish & chips with his Mum that was the beginning of the end. Although he took my point when I asked him who the main crowd puller was - his mum or me - that was the beginning of the end ...

Butteredtoast55 · 27/05/2021 11:06

I wouldn't see this as a deal breaker. It is probably just an old habit they are in, and his Mum perhaps wants to do something she thinks will be useful. Surely rather than 'sack him off' you would just suggest that it is a habit that needs to change?
I am really interested to know what couples do regarding washing - people saying that he will expect the same from a partner assumes that two people cohabiting would each do their own laundry to avoid relying on someone else. To me, that's weird.

DancesWithTortoises · 27/05/2021 11:06

I wish my mum had done the same.

Naunet · 27/05/2021 11:07

Job this summer is to teach him basic ironing as his placement means smarter clothes. He’s left handed so this will be interesting

Genuine question, why would being left handed make ironing trickier?

Quickchangeartiste · 27/05/2021 11:08

@NormanStangerson

Ugh no. To me it screams ‘overly-involved mother’. Which is hideous.

I have a friend who is like this and his mother is far, far too attached. As an aside, she cries a lot and I think emotionally blackmails him. It’s a strange dynamic and he is understandably still single at 41.

This. My MIL was the same with BIL, turning up at his flat early on a Saturday to change bedding etc. Luckily he found a woman who sorted that out. But MIL has real boundary issues, so if I had seen this I would have run a mile.
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