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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 27/05/2021 11:08

I never felt/feel redundant as a mother just because my children no longer need me to do their washing! And I wasn’t suddenly redundant as a person in my own right either just because my children had grown up.

This is what happens when you buy into the mummy martyrdom claptrap. My children were never my ‘whole world’ and I wouldn’t have wanted them to feel like they were were my only purpose in life. By the same token I would absolutely have felt I had failed my children if they were still bringing washing around in their 20’s!

Squiggy · 27/05/2021 11:08

Hard pass. Likewise, I would expect men to think poorly of me if I needed my dad to fill my car with petrol, check my oil or come round weekly to mow my lawn.

If I choose to employ a gardener, get my car serviced regularly etc rather than doing it myself then I think that’s me still taking responsibility and organising it myself not allowing myself to be treated like a child.

It’s not that I don’t think family members shouldn’t do odd jobs for each other to help out e.g decorating, diy, tech, moving, just the everyday jobs that we all need to do to be functional adults I feel I wouldn’t want to date someone who opts for mum and dad to do them instead.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 27/05/2021 11:08

It's just icky, you know-how a mother washing her mentally and physically capable adult son's pants

This is different, agree with the fact a man should be capable, but this is evolutionary instinct removing another powerful women.

MoesBar · 27/05/2021 11:09

My ex does this.

He also gets his Mum to clean his house, do his food shopping and pretty much anything else he wants.

Our daughters aged 12 and 10 find it appalling and gross.

MaMelon · 27/05/2021 11:09

I’d be delighted if someone else did my washing! It would depend what he was like in other ways - if he didn’t know his arse from the hoover and expected me to pick up after him then I’d run. If he was killing two birds with one stone and having dinner with her while a load was on then nope, I couldn’t get upset about it.

Deadringer · 27/05/2021 11:09

I have an adult son and daughter living at home and i do their washing along with everyone else's but i do think this arrangement is a little odd. If everything else was great i would maybe overlook it though.

Ninkanink · 27/05/2021 11:10

@Larkstongues I know what you mean about the sexual ‘ick’ - I’m the same. I wouldn’t be sexually attracted to a man who brought his underwear home for mummy to wash, and I just couldn’t be properly, deeply, sexual with a man child. Not happening.

newnortherner111 · 27/05/2021 11:11

Using mum's washing machine is one thing, getting mum to do it another, and if you choose to end the relationship I would not blame you one bit.

CharityDingle · 27/05/2021 11:12

@Librariesmakeshhhhappen

At least he takes it to his mum I suppose. That's some involvement.

My Aunt goes round to my son's house and does all his washing, ironing, cleaning etc there. He is almost 50. He has been single for as long as I've been alive (I'm 32).

Can't figure this Grin. Your brother?
BeGreen · 27/05/2021 11:14

Omg no way. Very unattractive, like you are dating a teenage boy.

VestaTilley · 27/05/2021 11:15

I’d be quite put off, yes. Frankly it’s pathetic; even if he works a 50+ hour week if he lives alone and has no children to look after he could do a load of washing on a Saturday morning, hang it up to dry then have it ready by Monday morning.

If he can’t or won’t wash clothes I’d be worried that he couldn’t clean a kitchen or bathroom, that he’s been “Mummied” and spoilt far too much, and would expect you to do all these things for him if you ever moved in together.

Can he cook? Maintain a garden? Clean? Even if he has a cleaner he needs to know how to change a bed and clean a loo.

He’s either going to be a nightmare to live with or he’ll take years of effectively reprogramming (even if he means well).

I’d be very wary if I were you. Give him a chance by all means as he may be lovely- but go in with your eyes open.

Naunet · 27/05/2021 11:15

@MrsRobinsonsHandprints

It's just icky, you know-how a mother washing her mentally and physically capable adult son's pants

This is different, agree with the fact a man should be capable, but this is evolutionary instinct removing another powerful women.

🤨
Original poster
Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 11:18

Yeah when I say it's a turn off I mean it's a sexual turn off.
He's overly involved with his mother.
Paying a professional IS very different in my view. It just is.
If he took his stuff round the launderette I 'd be 100% OK with it. It might be on well he can't be arsed but I'd live with it if he was hard working in other ways.

But his mum? Hell no.

Gotta end this. Dealbreaker for me.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 27/05/2021 11:18

@Moonlaserbearwolf

Lucky him! This might well be the tip of the iceberg though - what else does she do for him? I would ask him how he manages when his Mum goes on holiday.
Think positive, maybe you could take your washing round too and get it washed/ironed!
TatianaBis · 27/05/2021 11:18

Total turn off.

Pay someone if you cba to do it yourself.

MrsMackesy · 27/05/2021 11:19

As long as he doesn't expect his mother to do it, does things for her, wouldn't expect you to do it in the future and has the skills or is willing to learn them, this wouldn't put me off a good man. You don't say how long you've been seeing him, but they've probably had a lifelong relationship as mother and son and, as part of that, this is how they choose to do things at the moment. That's entirely up to them. Ask him about it. If it bothers you that much, or his answers about it bother you, then you're not made for each other and you need to let him go on his way.

Pyewackect · 27/05/2021 11:20

I'm sorry but I just wouldn't be that interested in his bloody laundry. That's his business and nawt to do with me.

Comefromaway · 27/05/2021 11:20

Does he live alone?

It can be uneconomical to run a wash for a small number of items. When my kids were small and had red school uniform jumpers for example my mum often used to wash them for us as she has lots of red things to put in with them.

And as a family of 4 I do a black/dark load about 3-4 times a week but struggle to get a full white load. Light coloured shirts only get washed once every 2-3 weeks as its only dh who wears them so it would make sense to combine with someone else.

MiaRoma · 27/05/2021 11:20

'They' say that how he treats his Mum is how he treats his gf/wife :)

RealisticSketch · 27/05/2021 11:21

If you're 40 and going out of your way to let your pull pull your weight then that's a huge no from me. He hasn't grown out of seeing her as the 'do-er of all things', he's still in child minder with her. Maybe she encourages it but that's not the point. Any grown man with his salt should shrink away from having his mum wipe his arse do his laundry.

thecatsthecats · 27/05/2021 11:21

@Wantubackforgood

I wouldn't have a problem with this .If his mum has the time perhaps she likes doing it and knows she gets to see him at least once a week .
I find it creepy somehow that a mum would want to guarantee seeing her son by doing a chore for him.

My husband is crap at facilitating his own relationship with his mum, but that doesn't make it my job to fix it, and she doesn't piss about doing his laundry to keep him in contact. (I keep in touch with her when I feel like it, because we genuinely get on very well - neither of us take shit!)

Plus for someone with no limits to their ability, it's piss easy to look after yourself as a single adult. I loved living alone and sorting out my own stuff without anyone else getting in the way.

mabelandivy · 27/05/2021 11:21

Sounds like my BIL - are you in the North East?!

Original poster
Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 11:21

Also the thought of his mum washing the sheets we'd been intimate on is all wrong.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 27/05/2021 11:21

Just seen your update.

You’d be doing him a huge favour if you explain to him why it bothers you. When (if) you break up with him I’d do him the courtesy of explaining why this is off putting for most women in the 21st century. You don’t want him to blame his mother for doing a nice thing, but also he needs to know most women don’t like this, else he’ll never get anyone to go out with him.

TatianaBis · 27/05/2021 11:21

@Pyewackect

I'm sorry but I just wouldn't be that interested in his bloody laundry. That's his business and nawt to do with me.
Well it is if you end up in a relationship and he still can’t do his bloody laundry.
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