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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
andfinallylifeisgood · 28/05/2021 11:07

My mum does my bedding. She washes and irons it Blush she offered once and we just never got out of the habit of it

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/05/2021 11:22

An adult maintaining a close, involved and supportive relationship with their parent/s is not usually dependent on one party doing basic chores for the other.

I have a close relationship with my dad. I see him socially, and when needed I'll help him out with stuff in the house (he's less capable with e.g. ladders now he's older), but our relationship is not predicated on one of us doing chores for the other.

BilboBercow · 28/05/2021 11:25

He's just waiting for female partner to come along and take over the wimmins work.

How clean is his loo op?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/05/2021 11:27

A grown man having his chores done by his mother is never going to be a positive thing. My issue would be with the man, not the mother, so it's not about being mortal enemies with MIL.

I get on very well with my MIL, and have a lot of respect for her. She made sure all her children could cook and do chores before they left home, and packed them off to university with a variety of recipes that she'd taught them.

I didn't appreciate when I met my DH how important it was to find a man who didn't need to be babied and fully expected to pull his weight at home, but I thank my lucky stars for it now.

CrackersDontMatter · 28/05/2021 11:31

It would put me off for the following reasons

  1. is he not intelligent enough to work a washing machine? My 9 year old can so it's a pretty low bar.
  2. does he see laundry as women's work? Again not for me
  3. if we moved in together would he be expecting me to take over the job? No thank you.
  4. it smacks a bit of enmeshment and I wouldn't want to get involved in that.
CrackersDontMatter · 28/05/2021 11:34

I might be jaded by an ex who lived at home and still had a very parent-child relationship. His mum did everything for him and I had my own actual children to take care of.

OrangeRug · 28/05/2021 11:46

My Mum did my washing until I moved out at 21 (she didn't want anyone else doing the washing) and she also continued to do it for a few months when I lived in a property with no washing machine. I don't think it is "ick" if it's your Mum but it's a bit weird/lazy if he has his own machine. It screams "man child".

Pals812 · 28/05/2021 17:37

If you get together the laundry will be delegated entirely to you, if you don't do it, he might keep taking it to his mum. Very odd behaviour.

Bertiebiscuit · 28/05/2021 17:48

RUN A MILE AND NEVER LOOK BACK - he is a tragic man baby and you cannot have an adult relationship of any kind with him - have you no standards - he is lazy spoiled and taking advantage of a woman - he will do the same to you

Cactusesi · 28/05/2021 17:58

Not necessarily if he helps her too.

Nomoreminecraftplease · 28/05/2021 18:15

When I first met my dh he used to take his washing home to his mum. But he hadn't long moved out and he didn't have a washing machine. I encouraged him to buy himself a washing machine and that all stopped. However we don't do separate washing in our house. If its in the dirty washing bin then either me or my husband wash it. Do some people actually separate their family laundry according to whose it is?

twinmum2007 · 28/05/2021 18:27

My DH did this when I first knew him . He didn't have a washing machine & his Mum charged him less than the lauderette would have done. Plus, he got to have a nice meal back at his parents when he took it round. Didn't put me off. He still has no idea how our washing machine works but he does do all the cooking and the rest of the cleaning. I can live with that.

proudwomansexmatters · 28/05/2021 18:33

Wouldn't bother me. My mum still does my ironing. She enjoys it and I can't be arsed. She takes it twice a week.

Mary54 · 28/05/2021 18:34

Depends on the situation. Our ds (late 20s) has been living with us while wfh. Finished university during pandemic, moved out of uni accommodation and couldn’t find a flat during lockdown.
I do his laundry together with ours. Don’t see any point in him doing his separately. Would expect him to do his own if he was living on his own though.

countrygirl99 · 28/05/2021 18:38

@Mary54

Depends on the situation. Our ds (late 20s) has been living with us while wfh. Finished university during pandemic, moved out of uni accommodation and couldn’t find a flat during lockdown. I do his laundry together with ours. Don’t see any point in him doing his separately. Would expect him to do his own if he was living on his own though.
But your DSis living in your house. Not his own with his own washing machine so.a totally different situation.
Everhopeful1 · 28/05/2021 18:41

'run a mile' - haha what planet are some of the women on this thread from? must have taken you all ages to find the perfect man.

Buzzer3555 · 28/05/2021 18:41

Oh dear I am that mother.

Fwaltz · 28/05/2021 18:46

This would be a major no-no for me. I think a grown adult man should be able to do his own laundry, drive and swim. Basic life skills that indicate they are on a basic level competent, and not just dependent mamas-boys.

ineedaholidaynow · 28/05/2021 18:46

@Buzzer3555 how old is your DC?

countrygirl99 · 28/05/2021 18:46

@Everhopeful1

'run a mile' - haha what planet are some of the women on this thread from? must have taken you all ages to find the perfect man.
Nope. Met mine when I was 17, but he meets my high standards so we've been together for 44 years. Even in 1977 I wouldn't have touched a mummies boy.
Passenger42 · 28/05/2021 18:48

I don’t think it’s any of your business. He might dump you first considering your making a big deal out of it..

Custardo · 28/05/2021 18:50

ive only read your origonal message. why have a dog and bark yourself? if his mum ifeels values by doing this (is a mug) then why wouldn't you? i would.

RockyReef · 28/05/2021 18:52

Are you going out with my brother??? Grin

This is the set up he and my mother have, it's not because he can't do his own washing, but more because she enjoys him still needing her and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by buying his own washing machine. It used to annoy me intensely but now I just let it go. I do wonder how off-putting it would be for any potential partners, but in fairness I think it's highly unlikely he will ever have a long term partner as he is a very shy and private person.

chesteroo · 28/05/2021 18:58

I dated a guy and thought it was nice that he had a close relationship with his mum as I have with mine. After 18 months of routine surrounding his desire to shop with his mum every Saturday, have lunch, eat with mum on a Sunday, and stay at mum's house on a Thurs night. It got too much. She did his cleaning and took his bedding and work shirts away to wash.
If it's just his washing, she may do it to be helpful. If they're tied at the apron strings for more than that be warned, it gets tiring.

Chocoqueen · 28/05/2021 18:59

My MIL does my BIL's washing and ironing. Last time it came up in conversation she started giving me tips on how to iron DH's shirts.... DH and I looked at each other and quickly pointed out he's an adult and therefore capable of doing his own ironing thank you very much.