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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
Naunet · 27/05/2021 14:58

@user1497787065

I can't believe how many people think this is awful. If his mum is happy and has the time to do her son's laundry why not?
Maybe because a lot of women don’t want to end up with a sexist pig who thinks it’s a woman’s job to skivvy for him?
BinocularVision · 27/05/2021 15:01

@user1497787065

I can't believe how many people think this is awful. If his mum is happy and has the time to do her son's laundry why not?
Which part of ‘able-bodied male adult relying on female parent to do his domestic skivvying’ is passing you by?
ssd · 27/05/2021 15:12

Oh FFS

Some if you need to catch a grip.

"Which part of ‘able-bodied male adult relying on female parent to do his domestic skivvying’ is passing you by?"

This is a mum doing her sons washing. Maybe its the only chance she gets to see him. Maybe he knows its lazy but doesn't want to tell her no. Maybe she still wants to feel useful.

Maybe its none of our business?

Op, it that puts you off him you couldn't have liked him much in the first place. Stop looking for excuses.

countrygirl99 · 27/05/2021 15:13

@user1497787065

I can't believe how many people think this is awful. If his mum is happy and has the time to do her son's laundry why not?
See earlier point about how some women end up with useless men. It's enabling behaviour. I would be horrified if either of my DS were unable to look after themselves.
Naunet · 27/05/2021 15:18

This is a mum doing her sons washing. Maybe its the only chance she gets to see him.

How would that make this situation any better? It’s even worse.

AlwaysLatte · 27/05/2021 15:19

She probably offered because he works such long hours. It wouldn't bother me unless there were other things about him I didn't like.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 27/05/2021 15:20

@Naunet

it didn’t really bother me, DPs mum has always done his washing, she likes to feel like she’s helping him and it means she gets to see him

If she likes to see him, why doesn’t he take her out for lunch once a week, rather than giving her his dirty pants to wash?

This. What a turn off.
ILoveShula · 27/05/2021 15:21

The kind of son who uses the 'do my washing or you don't see me at all' attitude?

If I had a son like that I'd rather not see him.

coffeerose · 27/05/2021 15:23

No, just no. Confused

CatWillSaveMe · 27/05/2021 15:28

I’d take it as lack of healthy boundaries between mother and adult son. I’d think mummy’s boy potentially lacking backbone i’m affraid...

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 15:41

@AlwaysLatte

She probably offered because he works such long hours. It wouldn't bother me unless there were other things about him I didn't like.
40hrs a week? A normal full time job?
BinocularVision · 27/05/2021 15:43

@ssd

Oh FFS

Some if you need to catch a grip.

"Which part of ‘able-bodied male adult relying on female parent to do his domestic skivvying’ is passing you by?"

This is a mum doing her sons washing. Maybe its the only chance she gets to see him. Maybe he knows its lazy but doesn't want to tell her no. Maybe she still wants to feel useful.

Maybe its none of our business?

Op, it that puts you off him you couldn't have liked him much in the first place. Stop looking for excuses.

Yeah, that you think any of that is the remotest justification makes it even worse.
YanTanTethera123 · 27/05/2021 15:53

@ssd

Oh FFS

Some if you need to catch a grip.

"Which part of ‘able-bodied male adult relying on female parent to do his domestic skivvying’ is passing you by?"

This is a mum doing her sons washing. Maybe its the only chance she gets to see him. Maybe he knows its lazy but doesn't want to tell her no. Maybe she still wants to feel useful.

Maybe its none of our business?

Op, it that puts you off him you couldn't have liked him much in the first place. Stop looking for excuses.

I cannot see what the fuss is about a bloke bunging his washing in his mum’s washing machine. She’s hardly going to closely scrutinise everything! As I said, it wouldn’t bother me tuppence, nor if it was my DD, because it’s hardly ‘doing his domestic skivvying’ ffs! I like my DCs’ company, they’ll chip in and do anything I wanted doing, take me out for meals etc without expecting anything in return so doing the bit of washing is hardly becoming their drudge.
YanTanTethera123 · 27/05/2021 15:55

And I can assure you that my son and daughter are far from useless!

blackheartsgirl · 27/05/2021 16:00

My dp also used to live alone and took his washing round twice a week to his mums. He worked long shifts and was lonely himself too.

Mainly to do with circs he had the money to get one but his mum was also lonely and used to like being busy, she told him she really does not mind..he also used to stay for tea a lot and do little jobs for her.

Didn't put me off, he was and is very capable in other ways.

He moved in with me and we share the chores now. His mum misses doing the practical stuff for him but he still sees her 3 times a week.

Wasn't a turn off at all for me. I did used to tease him until I got to have a little empathy.

There's a little more to it and its very sad but I'm not going into it

Confrontayshunme · 27/05/2021 16:02

My NDN's mum takes care of her pets, washes, hangs and dries her clothes, and provides full time childcare for her 1 year old, including overnights so she can sleep for work. Plus her dad sorts all DIY, garden work and got her a car and bought her a house. She has no special needs or disability, and her partner left because they were around so much. On the whole, I think it is a sweet deal, but I would find it totally unacceptable in a partner.

strawberrydonuts · 27/05/2021 16:03

Yeah, that would be a massive turn off for me. I couldn't take a guy seriously who can't or won't look after himself. He has a machine so why is he taking it to his mum's?

LexMitior · 27/05/2021 16:07

Massive turn off.

If he was a nice lad went to see his mum it would be a plus point. Taking the washing, serious minus points

TrickyD · 27/05/2021 16:59

Make the most of it and get her to do your laundry too.

MargosKaftan · 27/05/2021 17:16

Those saying "perhaps it's the only time the mum gets to see him?" - do you not think that in itself is a massive red flag? Like he only spends time with family if they are doing something for his benefit?

That's a big warning - his attention is reliant on getting something for that attention.

So no - that's really not a good thing in a potential partner either.

He has a washing machine. He has the time to do his own washing, he either can't or won't do it himself.

There is no good excuse for him chosing to do this. Not one. Every possible reason for a man to act like this suggests he'll be a bad life partner - lazy, sexist, incapable of gasping basic household chores, thinks its "woman's work" /beneath him, expects woman to look after him, will only see his mother if she does a chore for him... any of these would be a bad person to have as a partner.

Summerdayshaze · 27/05/2021 17:17

Ugh. Yanbu.

MargosKaftan · 27/05/2021 17:23

@YanTanTathera123 - but he's not bunging it in his mums washing machine. He's handing it over and she's sorting it all out, putting in the machine, drying, ironing and then hes returning to collect ready to go back in the wardrobe.

He has his own washing machine, theres no reason for him to bung a wash on in someone else's house.

SummerBreeze1980 · 27/05/2021 17:25

Yes, it would completely turn me off. What on earth is his excuse for getting his mum doing his washing? I actually can't believe he admitted it!!

JudgeJ · 27/05/2021 17:29

@Ponoka7

"Mum doing it for free is just domestic slavery nonsense and pisstaking."

I willingly do free childcare for my DD and I'll do any housework that needs doing while I'm around. I was seriously ill and in hospital, I was well taken care of and visited by my adult children. For some of us, that's just what families do.

If the man brings his washing, joins her for lunch then does her garden does that make it 'domestic' slavery?
Chicchicchicchiclana · 27/05/2021 17:31

Where in the thread does it say what this man does for his Mum in return? I seem to have missed that.