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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum doing adult son's washing- would this turn you off?

404 replies

Larkstongues · 27/05/2021 10:29

Few disclaimers- this assumes son is mentally and physically capable of doing laundry.
I specifically mean mother here- I'm not talking about a man who has a very hard job employing a maid because he can afford it or a laundry surface. Outsourcing it to the professionals is OK.
I mean his MUM.
I 'm also not talking about borrowing her machine if his is too small for, by way of example, a duvet. Fair enough.

I've met a guy: he seems OK, he works but the standard 40 hours a week and lives alone.

He takes his washing round to his mum's once a week.

I don't know but the thought of a grown man having his mum wash his dirty underwear turns me off. Turns me off to the point I 'm thinking of calling it a day.
Now I KNOW it's my right to call it a day for whatever reason but I'm interested if this would be a dealbreaker for you lot, too or AIBU?

OP posts:
Dozer · 27/05/2021 17:31

Doesn’t bode well for him being a capable adult / not sexist.

NewlyGranny · 27/05/2021 18:01

Thing is, you don't know why he's doing this until you ask him. And you don't know whether he's competent to use the machine that sits in his house. Worse yet, you don't know whether he sees all women as service humans there to do his laundry etc to make his life easier. You could fit that category in his mind.

Do him a huge favour and raise it with him. If he realises it can give one grown woman the ick, he could avoid it happening again.

BiL reached nearly 30 living at home with mum doing laundry etc. He had never so much as done a supermarket food shop. He had a high-flying job and a ritzy new car and MiL wouldn't take board from him because he was paying for the car. He was blithely incompetent and thoughtlessly willing to allow his FM to do his heavy domestic lifting.

But he couldn't get a GF. 🤔

He asked my advice, and took it and all was well. 😉

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 18:09

Thing is, you don't know why he's doing this until you ask him.

But there isn't a potential good reason.

  • This is the only way his mum gets to see him
  • He doesn't know how to do it (and obvs won't learn)
  • She wants to feel needed and he can't/won't assert his independence
  • He's too lazy
  • He sees it as women's work, and he doesn't have a woman at home to do it so his mum suffices
  • He has no time to do it

All these are bad reasons, including the final one (lack of time). He's an independent adult with a job so he could hire a cleaner to do it. I often don't have time to clean my house but that doesn't mean I should ask my mum to come and do it.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 18:10

Do him a huge favour and raise it with him. If he realises it can give one grown woman the ick, he could avoid it happening again.

Except what he almost certainly wants is a woman whose standards are so low that she sees no problem with his mum doing his washing, and who will do his washing for him when he convinces her to move in with him.

He doesn't actually want a woman like the OP who won't baby him.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 18:11

you don't know whether he's competent to use the machine that sits in his house

This is an adult man who holds down a job. He is certainly competent to use a washing machine. They even come with instruction manuals.

MargosKaftan · 27/05/2021 18:22

The "not knowing how to do it" excuse - how did everyone on here work out how to use their washing machine?

An adult who lacks the ability to problem solve with something so basic is not a good bet.

woodhill · 27/05/2021 18:28

It's pathetic OP.

His dm is a mug

Whywonttheyhelpme · 27/05/2021 18:32

Fuck him off.

You know in a few years time when Mummy has had enough of washing his smalls 🤢 you are going to be expected to pick up after him instead.

Ofallthethings · 27/05/2021 18:45

My DH was taking his washing to his Mums still when we moved in together. I didn't realise until then and we'd signed a two year lease. His Mum did everything for him and I did wonder what I had done. He was 41 at the time.
I taught him how to put the washing machine on, how to cook some basic meals. He does all our ironing now and looks after our children two days a week so the childcare is evenly split . They're not all dead losses but there were some challenging times early on while I was trying to get the message through that this was not acceptable. I basically had a go at him about it a lot and because he wanted the relationship to continue he made the effort to change. Boundaries with MIL have been a bit of an issue at times.
Essentially if you want this to contnue make sure you live at least an hour away from MIL and really discuss this/argue with him about it.

Starseeking · 27/05/2021 18:47

I bet it's not just his washing she does...she probably goes round to clean his house as well, and other babying, he just hasn't mentioned it all yet.

He'd be expecting you to take over where she has left off, which I doubt any woman in a romantic relationship with him would enjoy. I'd leave him where he is.

thegcatsmother · 27/05/2021 20:47

Ds (25) lives with dh and I. I do his washing, as I do not want him overloading my machine and damaging it. I didn't care what he did to the machines at uni, but my machine was expensive, and I want it to last as long as possible.

GalaxyGirl24 · 27/05/2021 20:52

It would put me off however it would depend on how old he was. My DH's mum did all his washing when we first me, but then again, we were 16/17 😬 if I met him now late 20s and this was the case then yes, it'd be something I'd expect him to rectify as I feel like he would then expect me to take over this role as time went on which is a resounding NOPE.

thegcatsmother · 27/05/2021 20:54

Ds does cook, sorts the dishwasher, and has been known to Hoover. He can also scrub out the loo. I am precious about my washing machine, so I do the washing.

Eskarina1 · 27/05/2021 20:56

At 18 a crush I had on a guy at uni ended the minute I found out he posted his washing to his mum and she washed and ironed it and posted it back.

I try to be less judgemental now but I think I'd struggle.

cocoloco987 · 27/05/2021 20:57

Depends on the individual circumstances. There could be some situations where it's ok but I'd definitely look carefully at the bigger picture.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 21:45

I try to be less judgemental now but I think I'd struggle.

In this specific case, 'judgemental' means 'discerning when picking a life partner, weeding out those who are unlikely to pull their weight in the future partnership'. It's a good thing! Own your judgements!

TillyTopper · 27/05/2021 21:48

Perhaps he really rather his Mum didn't do his washing. But she insists because she gets to see him and really wants to do it for him... so actually he's just really kind!

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 21:50

You know, I think there is often a lot of pressure in society for women to lower their standards. We are told that being "high maintenance" is bad, that we are unreasonable to expect men who manage to hold down complex job to also manage basic domestic tasks, that not wanting to wait on your husband is borderline neglectful....

Fuck that shit! We should all have higher standards. If a man has no washing machine, or lives with his parents and the parent doing the laundry is part of a sensible domestic set-up, fine. But in almost every other circumstance we should demand the same standards of men that we would expect of a woman. They're not infants, they are grown-ass adults who are capable of looking after themselves.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 21:52

@TillyTopper

Perhaps he really rather his Mum didn't do his washing. But she insists because she gets to see him and really wants to do it for him... so actually he's just really kind!
No. That just means he's unable to assert boundaries and won't visit his mother without the laundry being done.

His mum would be just as happy to see him purely as a social thing, with no laundry involved.

PinkKecks · 27/05/2021 22:39

I'd find it really weird! Massive turn-off and potential red-flag about mother-son boundaries. Does he feel weird about it or does he like the fact his mum treats him like a teenager?

Thedogscollar · 27/05/2021 23:03

He has a washing machine.
No excuses
No defence.
Just not right.

Standrewsschool · 28/05/2021 07:49

@thegcatsmother

Ds (25) lives with dh and I. I do his washing, as I do not want him overloading my machine and damaging it. I didn't care what he did to the machines at uni, but my machine was expensive, and I want it to last as long as possible.
I think that’s a different scenario as he still with you. If you are doing your own washing, it’s easy to chuck dc’s washing in with it. However, you have mentioned your son was at uni,so has been used to washing his own clothes.

In op’s situation, the person lives alone and has a washing machine in his house, and still takes it around to his mums.

Macncheeseballs · 28/05/2021 08:17

100%, it's pathetic and his mum will always be the third wheel in your relationship, run!

Macncheeseballs · 28/05/2021 08:22

Thegcatsmother - you're not doing your son any favours

MrsMackesy · 28/05/2021 10:38

@blackheartsgirl

My dp also used to live alone and took his washing round twice a week to his mums. He worked long shifts and was lonely himself too.

Mainly to do with circs he had the money to get one but his mum was also lonely and used to like being busy, she told him she really does not mind..he also used to stay for tea a lot and do little jobs for her.

Didn't put me off, he was and is very capable in other ways.

He moved in with me and we share the chores now. His mum misses doing the practical stuff for him but he still sees her 3 times a week.

Wasn't a turn off at all for me. I did used to tease him until I got to have a little empathy.

There's a little more to it and its very sad but I'm not going into it

until I got to have a little empathy Yes, indeed. It isn't automatically being done because he's a problem or she's a problem. An adult maintaining a close, involved and supportive relationship with their parent/s isn't automatically a warning bell or threat to a potential life partner. It can be a really positive thing and the norm for some families or cultures.

In other shock news, MILs and DILs don't automatically have to be mortal enemies. Who knew?

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