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AIBU?

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Original poster

Being asked to pay for elderly parent’s house repairs

178 replies

Noname1234567890 · 27/05/2021 05:54

My widowed MIL is in her mid 80’s, she is still living in the family home she has owned for around 50yrs and doesn’t wish to move. Out of the blue she has emailed my DH and his 2 siblings saying the house needs extensive repairs such as roof, central heating, repairs to outbuildings etc. She has got a quote for rendering for £10,000.

She has asked that all siblings contribute to the repairs as the house is their inheritance and obviously will be worth less if in disrepair, we have a small amount of savings but these repairs could wipe those out but obviously don’t want MIL living in deteriorating home conditions, she is still fit and active and is likely to be around for a long time yet.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation?

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 28/05/2021 19:58

@EverythingRuined

Wow, who are these parents that randomly email their offspring and ask for tens of thousands of pounds to fit up their house without any consideration of their children's financial situation

Maybe ones who had previously helped out their kids with house deposits or financial gifts. Obviously they shouldn’t expect anything back but sometimes I think some adult children see help as a one way street.

Or ones who have been panicked by a couple of blokes knocking on the door to say they've spotted a roof tile loose 'oh, and looking at it properly, there are all these terrible defects that we can sort for you nice and cheap'.
KellyLynch · 28/05/2021 20:12

I’m appalled by the number of people wanting to force her out of her home. This is not an acceptable way to deal with a parent who has successfully brought up her children. I once worked with a wonderful man who was forced to resign at 75. He lasted just two weeks before dying of depression.

PermanentTemporary · 28/05/2021 20:16

Kelly honestly it isn't 'forcing someone out of their home' to suggest she needs to maintain it!

Funkyfuno · 28/05/2021 20:16

I think it's generally a child's duty to try and help parents in their need, if they can afford it. After all she's the mother of your DH. she's brought him into this world and looked after him. 10k divided into 3 isn't that much? Pp saying she needs to move, it's a bit emotional this isn't it? The woman lived there all her life, it is the family home, DH grew up there, I can understand it that she doesn't want to move, as long is she's able and can take care of herself... So little empathy in some of these posts...

cherish123 · 28/05/2021 20:20

If it will wipe out your savings, don't do it. If she can't afford it, she needs to move.

Original poster
Noname1234567890 · 28/05/2021 20:35

Some really good points here, MIL did look at downsizing around 6 years ago, but to go from a house built to her own taste, surrounded by a huge garden with a stream and wooded area to a small 2 bed was too much of a leap for her.
@LakieLady using equity from our own home would be affordable and protect our savings, and thanks for everyone saying about putting a charge on the property, I hadn’t heard of that before so will check it out.

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/05/2021 21:16

@Funkyfuno

I think it's generally a child's duty to try and help parents in their need, if they can afford it. After all she's the mother of your DH. she's brought him into this world and looked after him. 10k divided into 3 isn't that much? Pp saying she needs to move, it's a bit emotional this isn't it? The woman lived there all her life, it is the family home, DH grew up there, I can understand it that she doesn't want to move, as long is she's able and can take care of herself... So little empathy in some of these posts...
£10k is only for the rendering. If everything she claims needs doing is actually needed, you'd be looking at £30k-£40k
jwpetal · 28/05/2021 21:29

If you decide to help, I would suggest putting it in writing. Having had one parent die and the other in a life changing accident, dealing with parental issues can cause issues with even the closest of siblings. Keep it above board and in writing.

SherbrookeFosterer · 28/05/2021 22:29

Suck it up and pay.

The alternative is equity release; the real estate equivalent of a pay day loan.

PaulaTrilloe · 29/05/2021 02:10

My mum got about £5k care and repair from her local council. She is homeowner.
They sorted out dampness, painted exterior of house and rewiring. She also got a subsidised new boiler. Check the council

threatmatrix · 29/05/2021 08:34

I don’t understand how he family have let the house get so bad.

fabulousathome · 29/05/2021 10:10

You first need to be sure that this is all genuine and necessary. Sadly there are a lot of con merchants around.

Insanelysilver · 29/05/2021 12:26

It might be better if your MIL takes an equity release for the repairs and her children who will inherit the property, pay the interest on the loan each month, so then no compound interest will mount up.Then when the place is sold eventually you will only owe the cost of the original amount borrowed.

pollymere · 29/05/2021 12:30

Our local council have an equity release scheme to help those whose houses need repairs.

DeathByWalkies · 29/05/2021 12:38

@threatmatrix

I don’t understand how he family have let the house get so bad.
If it's anything like in my family, the older person will have been wilfully blind to the deteriorating state of the property / refused to get tradesmen in / refused to pay for repairs even when they have the money for it. The problems (water ingress, in particular) then cause knock on problems and the whole situation becomes overwhelming while the older person continues to be wilfully blind to the situation.

Meanwhile, the older person has mental capacity, which means that they have the right to make unwise choices. There's absolutely nothing the family can do to force them to have repairs.

I've got this situation with someone who is still of late working age, and it's been going on for decades, so it's not even necessarily age related.

whatagirlwants · 29/05/2021 12:38

My friend has taken equity release. She is 85. She borrowed £40.000.
In ten years time with interest it will have risen to £65.000. (if she lives that long)

In ten years time her now properly maintained house price will most likely have risen by more than £65.000.

If she didnt maintain her house and it deteriorates, the house price would probably rise by a couple of thousand or even fall.

Its a no brainer as far as she is concerned. She needs the money now not when she is dead.

SadieCow · 29/05/2021 13:28

Get her to do an equity release, she'll free up money from the property. It comes out of the children's inheritance.

If she property rich and cash poor, it's the answer.

Woollff · 29/05/2021 14:37

In my experience once you do equity release you are trapped in that house, with no option to downsize. The only option is a care home.

My PIL did equity release in their late 60s. MIL has become disabled in the meantime and now has no option to move to more suitable housing, which the family begged them to at the time. Only option is a care home.

SadieCow · 29/05/2021 14:43

In my experience once you do equity release you are trapped in that house, with no option to downsize. The only option is a care home.

Absolutely, totally wrong!

What experience you actually have?

mrbreezeet1 · 29/05/2021 15:17

The kids should all pay for it.

whatagirlwants · 29/05/2021 15:28

SadieCow

Not true she has the option to move at any time as long as she doesnt buy anything that will not cover the loan and interest.

whatagirlwants · 29/05/2021 15:30

In most circumstances, you will simply carry over the loan from your old property to the new one and the terms of the equity release plan will remain the same. If you have a lifetime mortgage and you want to move to a property with a lower value then the lender may require a partial repayment of the loan to keep it within its lending limits at the time; however, the lender cannot impose any early repayment charge which may be a feature of your plan.

twoshedsjackson · 29/05/2021 15:36

If you dip into your savings this time, what happens when the next lot of repairs/ maintenance crops up? It doesn't sound as if your siblings have deep pockets either. Equity release or downsizing sound better options to me. I sympathise with your DM though; mine was very attached to her home and nothing I could say could persuade her to get something better suited to her changing circumstances. In her case, my DF had left his mark in every room, having been a great handyman.
I agree with PP's about getting more than one quotation for the work; discussing the details may be painful but may bring her to a reality check.

FictionalCharacter · 29/05/2021 15:45

She says the house is their inheritance, but that’s not guaranteed. She might decide to leave it to just one sibling, or disinherit all of them and leave everything to some distant relative or a friend. My mother cut me out of her will when she was in the early to mid stages of dementia.