Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being asked to pay for elderly parent’s house repairs

178 replies

Noname1234567890 · 27/05/2021 05:54

My widowed MIL is in her mid 80’s, she is still living in the family home she has owned for around 50yrs and doesn’t wish to move. Out of the blue she has emailed my DH and his 2 siblings saying the house needs extensive repairs such as roof, central heating, repairs to outbuildings etc. She has got a quote for rendering for £10,000.

She has asked that all siblings contribute to the repairs as the house is their inheritance and obviously will be worth less if in disrepair, we have a small amount of savings but these repairs could wipe those out but obviously don’t want MIL living in deteriorating home conditions, she is still fit and active and is likely to be around for a long time yet.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation?

OP posts:
MrsSquirrel · 27/05/2021 13:18

Another thought - even if all those repairs need doing, they might not all be needed right now. It would be worthwhile to think about which to prioritise and which to leave for the time being.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 13:25

lack of maintenance money is a different issue to not being able to look after yourself/cope with the house.

Coping with the house does include being able to fund repairs, imo.

Ultimately, living beyond your means is to be avoided at all possible. Whether it's a young person renting or an older person in a house that is too big for them to fund maintenance.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 13:27

The fact that she's suddenly got a list of repairs that long is what makes me think it's a scam. Someone has come to look at one job for her, or even knocked on her door, and has 'noticed' that she has X, Y and Z all in 'urgent' need of repair. It's probably bullshit, and an objective assessment is needed.

It may well be that, after assessing what genuinely needs doing, she is able to afford it.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 13:29

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand lots of people can't fund all their repairs at once if big things go wrong. They are still independent as most people mean. Also very few people manage without advice or support from friends and family ever. If you use that definition, almost no one is totally independent.

Sh05 · 27/05/2021 13:30

Check out Eon for their boiler replacement scheme. I think if your mil is in receipt of certain DWP benefits then they replace the boiler for a one off payment of £395. They'll also look at other ways her house can be made more energy efficient.

PopAyetheSailorMam · 27/05/2021 13:33

You also should research if there are any grants currently available for boiler upgrade etc she can qualify for.

Fr0thandBubble · 27/05/2021 13:38

I think it's awful that she's asked you. She needs to find the money herself and if that means downsizing then so be it.

If you want to go ahead though, please structure it in writing as an interest free loan, repayable on demand. That way you can get your money back if the house needs to be sold in the future for care home fees or whatever, or if she changes her will and leaves it all to the cats' home!

crosstalk · 27/05/2021 13:45

If you are having a zoom meeting to discuss, then call Age Concern re the solutions suggested here so you know the pluses and minuses. And keep an eye open for the fit younger man who moves in, marries her, outlives her and has the house for life or to leave to his own children! A charge over the property is sensible ........ as pp have said, but make sure you get a good solicitor.

mybrainhertz · 27/05/2021 13:49

Don't do it. Mil's care home fees came to around 80,000 for just over two years when she was there.

bigbaggyeyes · 27/05/2021 13:52

I'd be getting tradesmen in to assess the problems and getting a number of quotes.

This then needs to be compared to the cost of moving someone smaller in better repair

I get her saying it's your inheritance, but she may live for another 30 years and need extensive care, in which case the house will fund this and you may see v little inheritance.

I'd see it as less inheritance and more about doing what's best for your mil. This might be her moving if she can't find the money for the repairs.

bigbaggyeyes · 27/05/2021 13:54

Don't do it. Mil's care home fees came to around 80,000 for just over two years when she was there

This is exactly what happened with my gp and my mum. Both parties well off but in the end left very little to be inherited

Beautiful3 · 27/05/2021 13:59

This is my concern with my fathers property. Its going to need maintenance very soon, and he doesn't have much savings. I've suggested downsizing to release money for maintenence, but he never wants to leave his home. Its a difficult one as the only alternative is a care home, which my siblings won't agree to, due to losing the inheritance.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 27/05/2021 13:59

[quote fruityorange]@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand lots of people can't fund all their repairs at once if big things go wrong. They are still independent as most people mean. Also very few people manage without advice or support from friends and family ever. If you use that definition, almost no one is totally independent.[/quote]
I didn't think I said anything about 'advice or support'. What I was referring to is someone's ability to fund maintenance of their home.

Someone of working age who can't afford a repair can borrow it, and then work to earn enough to pay it off (a second job if necessary). For someone who is retired, that option isn't available to them, and downsizing or equity release is a sensible thing to consider. Living beyond your means on a long term basis is unsustainable, no matter what age you are.

At 80, no-one has any idea how much longer she will be able to live in that house, so it is best to prepare now while she's comparatively fit and healthy.

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 14:03

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand I agree downsizing is economically the best option. But I also know that moving someone in their eighties is a big ask mentally. A friend had to move her mum at about the same age out of the family home. Although she was physically able to, mentally she could not cope with packing, selling and buying another house. My friend did everything down to packing clothes away and staying with her mum for the first few nights in her new home to help her settle in.
So it is not always as simple as saying downsize. If the practical help cant be given, the best option may be to stay.

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 27/05/2021 14:03

@Fr0thandBubble

I think it's awful that she's asked you. She needs to find the money herself and if that means downsizing then so be it.

If you want to go ahead though, please structure it in writing as an interest free loan, repayable on demand. That way you can get your money back if the house needs to be sold in the future for care home fees or whatever, or if she changes her will and leaves it all to the cats' home!

I'm with @Fr0thandBubble - I think she's got a massive cheek! As PP's have said- there is no inheritance, it may need to be sold to fund care, and frankly it's down to her to decide what she does with the house in her will. I don't like the implication that because someone will benefit from an inheritance they should have to help financially in the meantime. I hate the infantilising of elderly people- she's still a capable adult who has choices available to her and should consider how to fund the repairs herself or consider moving if this is not possible.

I cannot imagine asking my children to pay for repairs on my house!

RandomMess · 27/05/2021 14:03

Surely you would be better off providing the money as a legally proven loan against the sale of the property so it is repaid before carr home fees or downsizing?

We couldn't help out our parents without risking ourselves financially and then putting our DC in the same position!

fruityorange · 27/05/2021 14:03

A massive cheek! Would you not ask your mum for help if you needed it?

TiddyTidTwo · 27/05/2021 14:06

Equity Release and perhaps service the interest, or not.

House gets improved, you don't have to fork out. Inheritance may be less but it'll all shake out in the end won't it?

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind · 27/05/2021 14:07

@fruityorange

A massive cheek! Would you not ask your mum for help if you needed it?
I suppose there is a difference between asking for help and expecting it and this comes across as an expectation- with emotional blackmail around the inheritance being thrown in. There's also a difference is asking for help where there are no other options but there are options available here.

I cannot imagine asking my children for financial help in the future- god the thought of that horrifies me!

TiddyTidTwo · 27/05/2021 14:09

Too quick a reply sorry

MIL stays in her property
Value of house potentially increase due to improvements
ER rates are low at the moment
Please go to independent IFA with ER qualification if you consider this route

TiddyTidTwo · 27/05/2021 14:13

Gah!! I'm eating my beans on toast so also

Care home fees
You put your money it's gone
ER the debt against the property is the debt and has to be paid off before the rest is eligible for care fees

ER is a great financial planning tool, in the right hands

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/05/2021 14:25

Care home fees. You would be gambling on an inheritance you might never have. Dementia is the biggest killer of women past pension age. Do not do it.

DishingOutDone · 27/05/2021 14:46

@fruityorange

A massive cheek! Would you not ask your mum for help if you needed it?
buts it not just a bit of help is it, its a massive amount of money! She seems to have planned that when she needed a few £k she'd simply tell the kids and let them cough up! That's outrageous? Is this an infirm lady who is getting confused? Or someone who is simply very entitled?!

I'm facing retirement on state pension and i am worried, but i need to sort that out! Not think yeah never mind my DCs can cough up anything I need in future. I'd be ashamed to ask.

Original poster
Noname1234567890 · 27/05/2021 15:44

Thanks everyone, you have given some good advice and a starting point of options to look at to sort this out.

MIL doesn’t like change and also doesn’t always have a realistic view of the world, also since being widowed has become a little self centred which is understandable I guess. She has a um ‘gentleman friend’ but he lives several hours away, I did wonder wether she would consider moving in with him but I think their relationship goes better when it has a little distance between them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Noname1234567890 · 27/05/2021 15:45

The gentleman friend is her ex fiancé before she married my FIL, they reconnected when they were both widowed before any of you worry he might be a scammer Smile

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread