Being asked to pay for elderly parent’s house repairs

[Noname1234567890]

My widowed MIL is in her mid 80’s, she is still living in the family home she has owned for around 50yrs and doesn’t wish to move. Out of the blue she has emailed my DH and his 2 siblings saying the house needs extensive repairs such as roof, central heating, repairs to outbuildings etc. She has got a quote for rendering for £10,000.

She has asked that all siblings contribute to the repairs as the house is their inheritance and obviously will be worth less if in disrepair, we have a small amount of savings but these repairs could wipe those out but obviously don’t want MIL living in deteriorating home conditions, she is still fit and active and is likely to be around for a long time yet.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation?

If she genuinely cant afford the repairs then it probably is sensible to help out in those circumstances. But if she needs care the house could be used for the care fees. I dont think I'd justify paying for repairs to outbuildings if I didnt have a lot of money myself.

There is no inheritance. She's not dead.
There is no way of knowing whether there ever will be. If she needs care then the house will be sold to pay for it, that's how the system works.

She'd be better off, if you can't afford to help her, doing one of those deals where you sell the house but have the right to live in it until you die. Because obviously the priority is that she lives in a home that is safe, warm, in a good state.

Another one suggesting equity release. My in-laws did this when they were in their early 80s, still fit and healthy, and used the money to make substantial improvements to their house, which in return improved their quality of life. After FIL died MIL remained in the house for a further 15 years. She died recently and the house has now been sold by the equity release company. 10% of the sale goes to DH and his siblings.

If her children could easily afford to help, maybe fair enough.

If not, and she really can’t afford vital maintenance, then she needs to do what other people do - equity release or (infinitely preferable) downsize.

Though from experience of elderly movers, she’d need to be reassured that she’d have plenty of help, otherwise I suspect that the mere idea would be far too daunting even to consider.
Goodness knows it’s stressful enough when you’re young and fit, dealing with viewings and packing up, never mind estate agents and solicitors.
Plus, when downsizing, probably a lot of angst over what to get rid of, and how.

She either needs to fund the repairs herself or move to somewhere she can afford the upkeep on.

Frankly I think two seperate family zoom meetings are in order. First one, without DM. Starting point of that meeting would be to share info on what everyone knows/thinks is the real situation re the needs of the works to the property. Probably this will end up as a list of questions no one yet knows the answers too. Scope a few scenarios, being clear it’s an info-gathering exercise only. Likely this is where everyone gets a chance to outline what their household can potentially afford to give in ££ for any works, and what assurances/participation they’d want in the works, and the eventual equity of the property.

Then a delegation talks to DM. This will likely be tricky- sounds like she’s been ‘in her own head’ about the problems a bit too much, and also has fixed on a solution that she’ll need to be talked (slightly) out of.

Whatever ends up happening, it probably isn’t going to go as she imagines at the moment. That’s ok, even if she has a defensive reaction when you say this. She’ll mull it over, and see that if she needs other people involved she needs to include their perspectives as well. Impress upon her that this is a project, and will require more time and energy to plan (as a group) than she hoped. The money conversation is not the first one.

Next identify any really urgent issues- is she freezing? Is there rain coming in? Address those, and quickly. Start with her savings for this. Prioritise any other works, and assess if there are better suppliers of those trades, at better prices. Basically, take the project out of her hands (all of you) as a team.

During these steps, figure out the true state of her finances. Start talking to her about the future, possible care scenarios, etc. Introduce the idea of equity release (we call it ‘reverse mortgage’ here). Help her slowly to see it all from a broader and more long-term perspective. ‘It‘ll be your inheritance one day’ is hardly the full story, or a useful line to take at this point. Much as it’s easier to think we’ll all go from spritely to ‘passed away in my sleep’, it’s hardly ever what happens, is it?

I always say to my family elders ‘If you care about your independence, then define what you mean by it clearly, and plan for it. Crossed fingers and denial just lead to a quicker, and more complete loss of your independence.’ It has worked for me in the past to take this line. Good luck!

We are in this situation re widowed MIL in 80s and a dilapidated house. The difference is that my PIL took out an equity release thing about 20 years ago and there will be very little equity left.

Our approach is to only do necessary repairs obviously heating and plumbing but not anything cosmetic. There is a tacit agreement that SIL who paid for bulk of it will take that money from the estate (if there is anything left) with the agreement of her siblings.

If you can I would encourage selling the house and downsizing or moving into sheltered accommodation before it’s too late. MIL steadfastly refused to sell, is now disabled and because of the lack of equity will have to stay there or move into a home.

@EverdeRose

She either needs to fund the repairs herself or move to somewhere she can afford the upkeep on.

I agree with that.

Maybe it sounds heartless-maybe it is, but as a rule people have to live within their means!

You really need to be looking into her finances.

She's right that it's sensible to keep the house in a state of good repair - I've seen an elderly relative neglect their house so badly that water ingress has now depleted the value of it (aided and abetted by the adult DC I might add, who persuaded them they didn't really want workmen in )

However, as others have mentioned there's no guarantee you will inherit - care home fees could easily eat up the value of the house, especially in a cheaper area of the country (for context, we're paying £1100 PER WEEK for a nursing home, and there are much more expensive ones out there).

Also be wary of having the house signed over to you - for a care home fees assessment, you're running into issues of deprivation of assets and they may decide that her home (even though it's now in your name) is still hers for the purposes of paying for care, and you have to sell it to pay for care anyway.

www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs40_deprivation_of_assets_in_social_care_fcs.pdf

If she has no way of paying for these repairs herself, she will need to move somewhere where she can afford the upkeep; it sounds like she could downsize substantially.

The options are a) you pay. As pp said, the costs as mentioned will be large. You will not necessarily recoup this money if mil has to go into care (fil at 90 went from building a new conservatory to going into a home in months as he broke his hip and had a stroke under anaesthetic and then lived 7 years in care home).

B) mil downsizes. This will clearly be a fight.

C) equity release. This reduces any inheritance, but at least protects the siblings from shelling out ££££ which could easily be lost.

She may need to go into a care home at some point and if so the house will have to be sold to fund it. Frankly you would be throwing money away and may not inherit anything.

She has asked that all siblings contribute to the repairs as the house is their inheritance
No. She could need care and the home will take the house to pay for it. Or she could meet a partner (a scammer even) and remarry then leave it to him. Or she could leave it all to the local cat charity. Don’t spend money on a house you don’t own. If she can’t afford to maintain her house she needs to downsize.

The position is difficult as it can be with elderly relatives. I can see her logic that it is the children's inheritance, but if she needs care later this repairs or not will be wiped out. A better option might be to look at equity release for a well planned and costed series of renovations, with the family paying the ER interest. That way, if the house is needed for care fees then savings for the children remain, the house is in good order, and the bulk of the value of the house can be available as an inheritence.

Even if all the siblings agreed to pitch into repairs assuming they have savings, then you could get into the sticky territory of one say giving 20K another 10K another 5K. What happens then. And it is all well her asking but what if you all don't have a reasonable amount to gift. As you would have to see it as a gift incase you don't see it again. Then what happens the next time/how long before she is asking again?

But she's not fully independent.

An independent person would have the money and the foresight to keep on top of these jobs and maintain a house. If she has let stuff slip and is now coming to you to pay for it she is not independent.

She needs to sell up and find a smaller more manageable home. Sheltered housing doesn't have to be an old peoples home, they can be flats where they keep their "independence" but are being kept an eye on and the building are maintained. They also have restaurants you can chose to eat in, activities and lots of things to make life easier. They are normally available for the over 50s so I'm sure you can find one that's not gods waiting room.

My parents alone paid for substainal repairs to my grandfathers house. Which went to my uncle when gf died.

I have a similar issue with my mother. She doesn't want to move from the family home and can't afford to maintain it. My feeling is that she does just need to downsize. You can't look at it as an investment in your inheritance even if it is the case she is putting forward as if she needs care in the future the house will need to be sold to pay for that presumably. I know it is upsetting to sell a family home and must be much more so if it was built by your husband but she is going to have to be realistic.

If everything needs work like you say, outbuildings etc it's Gona be a lot more than 10k required.

It’s sad when elderly people face this situation. My very elderly parents’ house needs c£100k spending on it, my father wouldn’t pay when things started needing attention, hence the frightening figure.
Anyone buying it will need money +++.

As someone has already mentioned, you can put a charge on the property which means if you stump up a loan of eg 20k to fix the repairs, when the property is sold this amount is paid out first to you before eg the care home fees. A solicitor is doing this for me for a small £250 fee.

Or, even if she leaves it all to you and doesn't need nursing care, the improvement to her house's value plus lack of spending money on her part could, depending on the value of the house and the value of everything she leaves, make her estate liable for inheritance tax, when the time comes (hopefully not for quite some time, but one day it will - upwards gifts will not help you all there).

Just popping on to say do try and get her to reconsider the sheltered housing/retirement flat option. You say 'oh no she's wouldn't consider it, she's still active and independent' - but that is exactly the right time/right kind of person to move into a retirement complex. By the time you are debilitated/in need of care, it may be too late, these blocks are absolutely not institutions or care homes, there may be optional extra help available (which you pay for separately) but you really need to be able to take care of yourself or they won't accept you as a resident.

Honestly, some of the newer retirement complexes are absolutely lovely, really modern and swanky, round here some of them are so popular people are fighting to get in at the minimum age to move in (55), often while they are still working, because they are such nice flats. There are communal facilities like a cafe and shared gardens and a degree of organised group activities (they do yoga, exercise classes, music, crafting, group trips to local places of interest etc) but there is no pressure to join in, if you just want to treat it like any other block of flats and live totally independently you can do so and no-one will bother you.

I wonder if your MIL has a vision of some hellish grey care home where residents are plonked in front of the telly all day and lose all their freedom, I think if you went and saw one of these places (maybe under the guise of 'planning for the future' or similar) she'd change her mind? Financially they're not actually the best option in terms of protecting assets/inheritance as the service charges can be high and your resale options are more limited compared to if she just remained living at home, but the ease and peace of mind of not having to worry about any maintenance, bills, everything all taken care of for you etc is second to none!

Wow, who are these parents that randomly email their offspring and ask for tens of thousands of pounds to fit up their house without any consideration of their children's financial situation.

I cannot imagine this ever happening. Apart from the fact that we are open and honest, in this situation my mum would call and ask for advice over what she should do. She absolutely wouldn't ask for money, if she didn't have it she would accept, sadly, a move was necessary. And she's lived in her house for 55 years.

She’s being unreasonable and blinkered. If she can’t afford to repair the house, then she needs to think about downsizing or going into sheltered. I’m sure you all have your own properties and over heads to pay for. I can’t believe the brass neck of her hitting you up for over £3k each?! Especially about the out buildings, they aren’t even essential

Sounds like none of you have the money so it’s just not feasible.
Plus if she goes into a care home at any point that inheritance will be gone so don’t invest in the house on that basis.
As for signing it over now to the family as she’s 80 the chances are IF she ever needs care it will be seen as deprivation of Capital and the council may come after it anyway.