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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 27/05/2021 07:03

No I have not, though fortunately not necessary. In my opinion the time to help is the most important thing you should plan for.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/05/2021 07:04

My parents are long gone, but it never occurred to me. My Dm did end up in a care home after her dementia worsened, but her own assets covered the fees.

I gather from a French friend of a dd that in France, children are obliged to help with parents’ care costs, if their own funds aren’t sufficient.

Given the costs of housing and childcare in the U.K., I’d imagine that a good many parents would be very hard pushed. Swings and roundabouts I suppose - at least childcare in France is a good deal cheaper, ditto housing in many areas.

OverTheRubicon · 27/05/2021 07:07

In my culture it's absolutely expected, and actually living in multi-generational homes can have a lot of benefits to everyone, especially if grandparents move in when grandchildren are young enough to benefit from the extra adult attention and mothers (and fathers) can share the cooking etc.

That said, there's a huge difference between retired parents funding the construction of an annexe and elderly parents with complex care needs.

Despite tradition, my parents would not want me to pay for them at the expense of their grandchildren. My mother is aware that caring put and end to her interesting and well-paid career and doesn't want the same for me.

However I would be very happy to have them move in with me if I could find a suitable house and they didn't have major care needs. One benefit of splitting is that I will not be expected to care for ILs when the time comes, as my ex-MIL was virtually a slave to her own ageing MIL and nice as she always was to me, would probably expect the same service...

starpatch · 27/05/2021 07:11

No I will have difficulty budgetting for my own old age. But I have moved closer to them in part so that I can help out, don't really recommend it though.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 27/05/2021 07:14

No need here.
But I do have friends who help their parents
1 pays her mums council tax, her brother pays her utilities. But that's the reality of living on a state pension.

CupoTeap · 27/05/2021 07:16

Nope, they are better off in retirement than I will ever be

amatsip · 27/05/2021 07:19

I pay for and order their food shop every week as both struggle to get anywhere, my siblings pay their bills. Parents are in their 80s and use cash not card but in these times card is needed so hence we all do it and would never ask for recompense. If I couldn’t afford it my siblings would pay for it.

MrsJBaptiste · 27/05/2021 07:21

No as my parents are very well off - own several properties, have good pensions and high savings/shares.

However I often think about the future as they're heading into their mid-70's and will definitely budget for my time and will be there for them when they need me.

Dreamersunited · 27/05/2021 07:27

No that’s their responsibility...

Vooga · 27/05/2021 07:30

No, they have more money than I do

borntobequiet · 27/05/2021 07:31

I wouldn’t expect my children to do this for me. In fact I have budgeted in order to help them out financially when they need it - education, deposit on house, help starting a business, help with childcare and so on - rather than them having to wait until I die to benefit.

Billandben444 · 27/05/2021 07:32

Surely families help each other out? If either generation can afford to make life more comfortable for the other, isn't that what you'd do? I'm quite shocked by the replies that come over harsh and uncaring. The OP was about budgeting to help your parents in their old age and where that wouldn't necessarily be the label on a particular savings jar, if your parents needed financial help and you could afford it - why wouldn't you?

Thebookswereherfriends · 27/05/2021 07:35

No, every person should budget for their own retirement- if I won a significant amount on the lottery then I would help my mum out, but otherwise I wouldn’t be able to afford to do anything to help anyway.

DinosaurDiana · 27/05/2021 07:37

No. It’s up to them to fund themselves, and in return I would never take money off my own children.

MrDarcysMa · 27/05/2021 07:37

No, I'd try to if she needed it - or have her live with me if needed - but my mum is very well set up for her older years and more likely to be paying for stuff for me than the other way round tbh 😂

Donitta · 27/05/2021 07:39

No. My parents will pay for any care needs with their own income, and if they can’t afford it their house will be sold, and then finally the state will step in. Where would I get the extra money to support them anyway? I have to work to pay my bills and it’s not like I’ve got spare cash lying around. I certainly don’t have enough money to pay for their care on top of my own bills. As for MIL, well she can take a long walk off a short cliff because the bitch isn’t getting a penny from me.

SummerBreeze1980 · 27/05/2021 07:40

No, because they have much more money than me. They are fully able to pay for their retirement themselves.

user7836 · 27/05/2021 07:40

No. Bit worried about a couple of them who chose (had opportunity to) not to buy, one had substantial inheritance but still chose not to buy (and frittered it away) so they will be renting in retirement, but that was their choice. Both have public sector pensions though so I'm assuming they will be ok. Assuming care costs would be funded by the state if required.

someonesomewhere1 · 27/05/2021 07:42

LOL! NO!

They're wealthy and have told me they're spending all my inheritance on travelling the world before they die.

My mums just bought a new car for £100k cash (because they couldn't travel last 18 months due to Covid).

EveningOverRooftops · 27/05/2021 07:42

No chance. I’ve spent the last decade as an unpaid carer and single mother and I’ve begged my mother for help to stop me from dealing with burnout and depression. (She’s under 58 now so not old)

She’s happily looked after siblings kids (all married with in-laws that help) inc fostering an alcoholic sibling who she still enables but not me.

So fuck her. She is not getting any of my time or money for eventual care needs, she’s obese and no doubt will be diagnosed as diabetic in the next year or so.

As she said to me ‘you chose to have kids’ and I’ll tell her ‘you chose to stay fat and wear out your joints and end up with diabetes’

There is more to this story. I am fat too but making changes. My family is fucked up and knowing I won’t be spending my 40s caring for any mother is a relief.

emmathedilemma · 27/05/2021 07:43

No

mayblossominapril · 27/05/2021 07:44

No but my parents still give me money frequently Blush
Time yes but in our family we always have helped each other our time wise so it’s normal

MistySkiesAfterRain · 27/05/2021 07:44

It's a bit late now as they are retired and I haven't saved. However they have a beautiful home in a goregous part of the country so day to day they are fine. They reduced their lifestyle to fit, not that it mattered as Covid would have done that anyway. I cover my costs and never expect them to pay for anything.

Killahangilion · 27/05/2021 07:45

Old age? Neither lived long enough to enjoy their old age. Sad

CrazyNeighbour · 27/05/2021 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.