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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
Overthebow · 27/05/2021 06:15

No, they have more money than us and I expect them to plan for it. If they do need help though I would of course help them but unless something goes very wrong I shouldn't need to.

Overthebow · 27/05/2021 06:19

I also wouldn't change my plans/where I live etc. to help them either. We could really use family help right now for our baby but both my parents and in-laws have moved away over the last few years so didn't consider us in their plans.

WeWantAMackerelNotASprat · 27/05/2021 06:25

@OppsUpsSide I hate people who state that they'd never bin people off in a home. How lucky that you don't have a parent with dementia who needs 24 hour care and not enough space at home to look after them or ability due to working etc. It's not binning them off it's giving them the best care. It's really offensive and rude what you are saying, a care home doesn't mean you don't care 🙄

Tk5787338 · 27/05/2021 06:27

No my mum is better off than me so I’ve never considered it but it’s her role to think of that in my opinion

WeWantAMackerelNotASprat · 27/05/2021 06:28

@Blossomtoes

I would absolutely move hell and earth to see them right and they will never be binned off in a home

I said that. The time came when I was on my knees and even moving heaven and earth wasn’t enough and the best thing I could do for them was find the best care home available. It’s so easy to say, doing is something else.

@Blossomtoes I agree, it's statement written by someone who has no idea.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/05/2021 06:30

Er, no. I earn minumum wage. My priority is DS.

If they need care when they are older they'll have to fund it themselves, I'll help out practically but won't be in a position to do so financially.

Rowofducks · 27/05/2021 06:30

No my mum is very well off and owns a few houses. Me on the other hand lives in a council flat on min wage so can barely look after me and the children.

Woollff · 27/05/2021 06:31

No. I did step in briefly to help my Mum as
did my sister. We hadn’t realised that a large proportion of my stepfathers pensions had to go to pay the care home when he was admitted with dementia. This left her struggling to pay the bills. However he died within a year. If she needs care, her house and then her pension will have to fund it. No way can we afford private home bills.

I don’t expect any help from my kids when the time comes.

UCOinanOCG · 27/05/2021 06:31

Nope. My FIL is 93 and in a care home. My DM is 80 and lives in a house she owns. Both are well able to afford to pay for their current situations. We too have enough money saved so our DDs will not have to be responsible for us in our old age. Children should not have to be responsible financially for their parents.

Saltyslug · 27/05/2021 06:31

We all keep our finances separate apart from gifts. My siblings, myself, my kids, my parents. If in genuine desperate measures we would probably help each other out if able. However we are all financially stable but need to be careful.

Templetreebreeze · 27/05/2021 06:35

[quote WeWantAMackerelNotASprat]@OppsUpsSide I hate people who state that they'd never bin people off in a home. How lucky that you don't have a parent with dementia who needs 24 hour care and not enough space at home to look after them or ability due to working etc. It's not binning them off it's giving them the best care. It's really offensive and rude what you are saying, a care home doesn't mean you don't care 🙄[/quote]
Yes its really ignorant .
Most people dont get the choice and its heartbreaking for them.
Very offensive

Templetreebreeze · 27/05/2021 06:37

I also found the " never bin them off in a care home" types have one eye on their inheritance and not on ensuring their family member gets the right care 😐

RosesAndHellebores · 27/05/2021 06:44

Didn't plan to because both sides are comfortably off. However MIL has early dementia and we live 240 miles away and there is nobody else. DH had to put carers in place last summer which she wouldn't countenance being necessary if the state/NHS didn't think necessary which in her mind means they would pay for it. Therefore DH pays and she thinks they are provided by social services.

She has always been very set against the concept of a nursing home and was very outspoken when my grandmother needed one. She is incredibly lucky that DH does as much as he does as her dd's went to live in the Antipodes 30 years ago.

Asdf12345 · 27/05/2021 06:45

No. They are financially secure and four hours away so money won’t be required and time won’t meaningfully be available.

Fuckitfuckit · 27/05/2021 06:46

No.
My dad is reliant on state benefits and has been for over 20 years because of ill health and addiction. In a different world, I would make life easier for him financially, but considering that he is a man who has spent the past 10 years telling me that he moved out of the country to avoid paying child support for me, and wouldn't have come back unless he was forced to by ill health. No there is not a bit of help I will be giving him. He has never helped me, I will not be physically, or financially caring for him.

PILS, well they have enough money, they will be just fine without our help.

Our money will trickle down to DD (and other children if we are so lucky!) to help them get on the property ladder. We're paying a decent amount into our pensions, so hopefully won't require help when we're old financially!

But really it seems to get harder financially for each generation. I want to make it easier for my daughter to have a decent life than bail out our parents who may have not planned for their own old age.

User63 · 27/05/2021 06:47

Yes. We have had to help MIL already and will help my parents if they need it. We are better off than our parents, we are in a position to help and they are in a position where they have or might need financial help. other people’s circumstances are different.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/05/2021 06:50

No and nor have they budgeted to help me get started on the property ladder, through education or leave an inheritance. No issue with this, we all fund our own lives.

NativityDreaming · 27/05/2021 06:50

Yes, whatever my mum needs. As a single mum she worked incredibly hard to put her children through school and support them as much as possible. Why wouldn’t we support her in the same way?

Suzi888 · 27/05/2021 06:50

Time wise yes, monetary wise no. They have more than usGrin.

Pixxie7 · 27/05/2021 06:51

Hopefully the social care act will be sorted and it won’t be an issue.

Morgan12 · 27/05/2021 06:52

Yeah I have a plan when the time comes. Only child and lone parent situation. She's done everything for me. I mean everything. It will be my turn to help her one day and I'll not be letting her deal with all that alone. I see it as my responsibility actually.

JustMarriedAndLovingIt · 27/05/2021 06:56

We’ve just bought a larger house and are converting the garage into a granny annexe for my mum. She took care of me when I needed it and now she needs me, fairs fair.

CeeJay81 · 27/05/2021 06:56

No my mum's in a care home and is on end of life care. She gets it paid, all my family are poor. My dad owns a small flat, so he can use that to pay for care if he needs it. He lives 350 miles away, we may move their once kids have left school. Patents weren't the type to do much for us at all.

cptartapp · 27/05/2021 06:56

oops 'binned off in a home'
Disgusting attitude. Almost as disgusting as expecting your busy adult DC with jobs, lives and families of their own to subsidise your living costs or run round after you indefinitely.

Waitingforamate · 27/05/2021 07:00

I’m not putting money aside, like we do for our children for example, however we have discussed parents living with us if ever needed and I would give them time and cash in a heartbeat after everything they’ve done for us over the years!
Not sure I’d pay for care home though, would rather give up work and care for them myself.