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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:

starrynight21 · 27/05/2021 04:16

No. Both of my parents were at home with minimal services until they died. I didn't need to help, and it wouldn't have occurred to me that I'd be expected to. If they'd needed to go into a care home we would have sold their house to pay for any expenses.

For myself, no I wouldn't ever expect my DC to contribute to my old age . Even if they offered I'd decline such help. I believe in looking after yourself and I've got enough to do that.

CustardyCreams · 27/05/2021 04:24

Not money as such. I’ve planned career, choice of town we live in, and timing of kids to hopefully facilitate helping both PIL and my mum as they age. This has a financial angle to it as my income is lower than it could be if I lived closer to better jobs and worked in a more senior role.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 27/05/2021 04:29

I wouldn't budget to help out parents, but I would consider their well-being when I make decisions because I expect to support them in whatever ways they need.

My DF died a few years ago now, and I cared for him throughout a neurodegenerative disease, right up to the end. I was very close to my DF but I would do the same for my DM, even though she's been a royal pain in the ass at times.

I know not everyone agrees with this perspective, and that's fine - but imo, unless you have a completely dysfunctional relationship, it's part of a child's job to support their parents in old age/infirmity - not financially, but in practical terms. That's a very sweeping statement and there are lots of qualifiers and exceptions, but in very broad terms, that's how I see things. I would however expect my DP to have made their own financial arrangements as I'm not and never have been in a position to cover their costs.

BritWifeinUSA · 27/05/2021 04:33

No. I have not budgeted for this. However we are comfortable enough that if help were needed we would be able to assist.

Castlepeak · 27/05/2021 04:34

No. Our parents saved for their own retirement and we are saving for ours.

Kljnmw3459 · 27/05/2021 04:53

No.

delightfuldaisy19 · 27/05/2021 05:00

I didn't intend to but after my dad died, my mum moved closer to us. Houses are more expensive so she had to get a small mortgage - I pay the mortgage. However, she does save me money in childcare costs and I guess I'll inherit the house one day.

Maggiesfarm · 27/05/2021 05:01

I never budgeted for supporting parents: my mother and both in laws, my dad died a couple of years before I married. Honestly it was difficult for us to budget for ourselves years ago.

They were not rich but better off than us, they helped us out. However I did help in other ways, we were very supportive of them in old age and they knew they could depend on us to do anything to help them.

I am now 61, funnily enough late last night I was talking to my eldest about me thinking of moving house and the subject of money came up. I was reassured that I would never have to worry about it :-), which I thought was very sweet but.....I don't worry about it. I did all the worrying when I was young, am content now.

I often say to people who are dreadfully stretched financially, that it really does improve as you get older. As long as I have enough to be able to employ carers to come to my home should that be necessary, I am content.

There is absolutely no need for my children to 'budget' for me but I know they will support me in other ways and make sure everything is OK.

It's quite a different matter if a parent is really poor, then it is nice if their better off children can make sure mum and or dad have all they need, ie eat well, are warm enough, have the right clothing, help with repairs, take them out sometimes, etc.

A lot of elderly parents are too proud to admit they need financial help and try to cover up problems but it usually comes out eventually and can be sorted out tactfully.

HelpMeh · 27/05/2021 05:05

Seeing as we don't even put enough cash aside to support our own old age, no.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/05/2021 05:10

I purchased a house next door to my parents so that I could provide care and they would be able to stay in their own home even when they needed care. I raised my children and stayed there for 20 years, until my father and mother both passed - in their own home.
Then I gave their house (which I inherited) to my daughter. Now she lives beside me, and will be able to look after me when I am older. I have willed my house to her son.

picturesandpickles · 27/05/2021 05:13

No, I haven't budgeted but if there was a time where I had spare money, they didn't and they needed something I could see me helping. I don't know what my siblings' views are on this.

CrumpetyTea · 27/05/2021 05:14

No- but i realised that my Mum's plans included me funding her...

SpeakingFranglais · 27/05/2021 05:28

For those saying yes, who do you expect will pay your care.

JudgeRindersMinder · 27/05/2021 05:29

@GeorgiaGirl52

I purchased a house next door to my parents so that I could provide care and they would be able to stay in their own home even when they needed care. I raised my children and stayed there for 20 years, until my father and mother both passed - in their own home. Then I gave their house (which I inherited) to my daughter. Now she lives beside me, and will be able to look after me when I am older. I have willed my house to her son.

I’m shocked at how controlling this is. So your child can’t pursue any career or relationship that may take here away from the area , because you chose to look after your parents and expect her to do the same... that’s the groundwork set for a huge amount of resentment right there

Messyplayallday · 27/05/2021 05:37

Yes, but because we live abroad and can’t give our time to help them. So we will pay for any help they need - cleaners, taxis etc once they are too old to manage those household things alone. Things we would have done if we were in the UK. They are on shared ownership too for the house so it won’t pay for much care in a home if needed, so we will also top that up to give them the best home if needed and therapies to support quality of life - music therapy, art therapy etc
My parents bent over backwards to give me the opportunities they gave me. Supported me when I had no job and needed to move back home, supported me through university when I found it hard and challenging. I believe if I can help them through their old age then I will.

Messyplayallday · 27/05/2021 05:39

@SpeakingFranglais

For those saying yes, who do you expect will pay your care.

I expect to pay for my own care because we have been saving for that too. Just because we plan to help our parents doesn’t mean we expect our children to do the same.

picturesandpickles · 27/05/2021 05:45

@SpeakingFranglais

For those saying yes, who do you expect will pay your care.

Not the state, that's for sure

I am trying to make provision for myself, but I would hope my children wouldn't see me in unpleasant circs if it were avoidable and they had spare.

Greygreenblue · 27/05/2021 05:51

No, my parents handle their own finances. That said I did recently help my dad apply for the pension but that’s because he’s riddled with cancer and in a lot of pain and honestly I don’t think he expected to live this long.

TomatoesAreFruit · 27/05/2021 05:52

No. My parents are in a better financial position than I am in.

I am the only family member who lives semi close to my DF so I do expect to have to the heavy lifting if he needs care. I don't know how I will cope.

Ostryga · 27/05/2021 05:56

My parents are loaded and I am not, so I expect them to sort themselves out! I’ll be there in a daughter capacity and am looking forward to spending more time with them.

MysteriousMonkey · 27/05/2021 05:57

No but if they need to move in with us for care reasons we will do that. My parents are much better off than we are and my husbands had him very young so we will probably be infirm together

ginsparkles · 27/05/2021 05:57

I hadn't for my Dad as he had a good final salary pension, however my husband and I have for my Mum as her situation is less financially secure so we have already agreed that once it's needed we will top up her pension to assist her, and help her into assisted accommodation if required. The in laws both have younger spouses who are still working so don't need support from us.

custardbear · 27/05/2021 06:07

No, they've plenty of money (ILs). My parents are already dead, but my mum had plenty and my dad was terrible with money so he kept himself afloat but we didn't contribute as money wasn't an issue for him to earn, he couldn't keep/save at all though and literally slipped away with him, good job it was rolling in regularly!

Birminghambloke · 27/05/2021 06:12

No financial planning. They’ve done that and have a home which could be used to finance. However would give time to care and possibly they could move in to spare room.

cariadlet · 27/05/2021 06:15

I give my mum emotional and physical support but haven't planned on giving financial support.

She is mortgage free and has a reasonable pension. If she needed to go into a care home and her savings didn't cover the cost, then I'd expect her to sell her house and use the proceeds to fund her care.

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