To ask if you budget for this??

[goldenfoldies]

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

@pam290358

Absolutely not. If they can’t afford care in later life, social services will provide means tested support. I wouldn’t see them in an awful care home and whatever top up is needed we would try our best, but this is down to personal responsibility. We’re all going to get old and we should all be thinking about how best to provide for it before we get there.

Social Services will provide the absolute minimum.

@vipersputpaidtomylastusername

No! My parent's generation are generally better off - free university, low house prices comparative to income, 'jobs for life', final salary pension, benefitted from inheritance as their parents generation died at a younger age, etc, etc

Aware its a generalisation, and will don my hard hat, but that's our reality in my circle of friends.

Your parents’ generation are better off because they have been working for the last 45 odd years. Not because it was handed to them on a plate while they lay back eating chocolates and drinking Prosecco.

I went to university in 1973. It wasn’t free and my ‘grant’ was £50 a year. There weren’t any loans, so I worked every vacation, usually three jobs. My parents helped and supported me then and I did the same for them,when necessary later on.

My first mortgage was over 17% and I worked an average of 60 hours a week (in a professional role) to afford the deposit and then the payments.

Nether I nor my husband ever had jobs for life, and I have been made redundant (read replaced because the new manager/director wanted their own people) three times. And I am good at what I do, successful by most criteria and with a good reputation in my sector.

Only a selected few, mainly in the public sector, teachers, social workers etc had/have final salary pensions. I certainly never had a job where it was an option.

There were a awful lot of years without holidays, new or even decent furniture, a reliable car or going out. Both before and during marriage.

My MIL lived to 93, and all the value of the house, paid for by my husband in the 80’s, went on care - and that was after she lived with us for six years. My mother lived to 83, with diabetes, Alzheimer’s and, ultimately five different cancers, supported daily - usually twice a day by me. While I worked 12 - 14 hours a day in a full time job as a company director, while I also supported my baby grandson, whose single mother (not my daughter) needed a lot of help, and a brother with severe mental health issues and alcoholism.

You support your family and look after your people. Financially, emotionally, physically- whatever they need, because that’s what families do, and they do the same for you.

And seriously, stop telling me how easy I’ve had it. My life, so far, has had many, many positives and a whole load of wonderfulness. I still had to work for it. Hard. Most days. And still do.

Very very glad to hear there are some people here who don't have the attitude of "it's not my job".. What a depressing concept and how inappropriate in the context of the people you love. Thank you.

My fil’s care home fees are £80,000 net -he has dementia. My mil also had dementia (died in 2019), but was sectioned so those costs were covered by the NHS.
I really don’t think that parents want their children to finance them out of their own pocket. We’ve now sold their house and manage all the finances. Tbh just looking after his financial affairs, claiming benefits, updating his friends etc is hugely time consuming and ‘costs’ us hours per month.
My parents are independent and healthy for their age (late 80s) but we (indirectly) pay for a cleaner. A few pounds per week is okay, tens of thousands isn’t.

My late mom has been passed 11 years. We took care of her right to the end. I've ensured my youngsters know that they have lives and I am not their responsibility.

I was born to look after my mom in her old age. Yes my late husband and I did that. The emotional tie and the story behind it I won't go into however I was very much told what my role was in life.

It did my m/h no good. So the answer is no. No adult child is responsible for their parent in any way shape or form

No. Adult children need to hold down jobs which will enable them to provide for their own families and give them a pension. Funding elders with a lifetime of work behind them is wholly inappropriate and surely no decent parent who loved their DC would allow them to do it.

@ComtesseDeSpair

they will never be binned off in a home.

Recognising that there may come a time where you physically cannot provide, for example, round the clock care for a parent with dementia; or simply aren’t able to be a full time carer because the bills need paying and you still have young children to raise isn’t “binning them off.”

My parents have good pensions to see them right and I’m working on the basis that I’ll have no inheritance as if my parents need care they’ll need to sell their properties and use their savings.

Came on to say exactly this about the 'binned off' comment. My DM looked after my GM, who had Alzheimer's, in her own home for long time. But when it got to the stage where heavy lifting equipment was needed to move her, and they couldn't have a bathroom downstairs anyway, then she needed a nursing home. 'Binned off' comments show an ignorance of what a disease like Alzheimer's does to a person.

No. I’d help them out here and there but why would I budget for THEIR retirement? That is their responsibility and they wouldn’t expect me or my sister to either. I would be pretty upset if they thought I should or didn’t plan for their own retirement especially after being carers for my maternal grandparents and knowing how difficult and hard it was for them and my sister who was a teen at the time. I did it for a year while my sister went to college and I would definitely not want to do it again. Both said after that, they rather off themselves than put us through that because they didn’t have us so they would have automatic carers when they got old and that the choices they have made are their own and their responsibility.

My sister lives 12 hour drive from them and has her own small business and I live in England and have two young children (one being autistic and may not be able to live independently), which one of us should uproot our lives to take care of them?

I can’t believe the comments on here. My mother a father gave me everything the could whilst I was growing up. If I can enhance their life in any way then I would, but obviously only if I could afford it.

Yes and no?
So my Mum and Dad are not at all well off, they gave us a brilliant childhood of love though and we were very well looked after but unfortunately the earning power just wasn't there for them and they made a few shit financial decisions as such in their older age they aren't exactly struggling but there isn't money if something goes wrong so I will step in to help them out/buy a washing machine if needed/would and have brought them a new TV but I don't actively put it in a monthly budget its more adhoc thanks to my Mum and Dad I am the person I am today with the earning ability I have so I will look after them if they needed something.

@kindofcoping. I was speaking generally in response to the OP’s question as to whether children should budget for their parents’ care in later life. The care system in this country is chaotic. On the one hand if you have been careful, own your own home and have savings, you have better options for care in later life, but you need to use every penny until you get down to the threshold where social services will step in - and yes, they provide the bare minimum, so the comfortable care home you pay for is not necessarily the one you will stay in once the money runs out, which in my view, is a cruel. Another consequence is that it takes away any chance of ordinary working folk to pass on any kind of inheritance. The days of Granny’s legacy being used for further education funding, or a deposit on a first home have well gone. On the other hand care is provided free for those who, for whatever reason, don’t have the means.

The whole system needs to be overhauled and among the things we need to look at are fairer funding sources and proper justification of what in some cases are astronomical care fees. The assessment system is too complicated and a lot of the time people are charged unnecessarily for things that should be free - as an example, nursing care in residential homes, when that care should qualify for free NHS ongoing care. As an example, a friend of ours looked into care for his dad, who has early onset Alzheimer’s and for a room in a halfway decent dementia focused care home, he was quoted £800 a week. His dad’s flat is valued at around £125,000, which at that rate would last around three years until he reaches the threshold for assistance and then he’s at the mercy of social services to top up whatever income he has, to pay for his care.

How can we be expected to budget for our parents’ care - in my view it’s just passing on yet another problem to the next generation instead of sorting out a fair system of funding for all.

In no way!! I’m feeling bitter about the lack of practical support from both sides since we’ve had DC. The grandparents are occasional visitors (maybe once a month in normal times). We won’t be contributing either money or time to their old age. They’re too busy living their bucket lists to have any meaningful role in our lives now, so that’s just the way things will continue.

I’ve already discussed with DH that we’re going to be hands on grandparents when our DC have children. I used to love spending time with my own grandparents whilst my parents went on holiday etc, so hopefully we can be fun, loving, helpful grandparents when the time comes. I would never expect our DC to pay for us though, but I hope to part of each other’s lives.

Thank you for planning for your parents needs. So many others in this thread fail to remember the debt they owe their parents.

No, haven’t budgeted for my own old age never mind my parents but you do what you have to do when you have to do it snd they will always be looked after to the best of my ability and budget

@KellyLynch

Thank you for planning for your parents needs. So many others in this thread fail to remember the debt they owe their parents.

What debt? No one asked to be born. Not all parents were good to their children.

So many others in this thread fail to remember the debt they owe their parents.

I don’t get this mentality. It is often said children didn’t ask to be born, yet said children supposedly owe their parents for raising them which is their job to do since they made the choice to have children in the first place?

I too take exception to the "binned off" remark.
Care homes nowadays are nothing like what some might imagine. My parents were very comfortable financially and had made good provision for their old age.
My siblings (and our partners) supported them as best we could in physical and practical ways and after my mum died and my dad's cancer starting really progressing, he made the decision himself that he no longer wanted to (or could, really) live independently. The home we all chose was expensive (£6K a month) but blimey! I would have moved in there myself if I could! He was there less than a year before he died and the care he (and we, as relatives approaching a bereavement) was outstanding.

I’m 31 and my mums 74 and living on a pension. I help out in her house moneu wise especially as she’s doing her house up ready to down size. My mum supported me for years when I was younger and ill and couldn’t work. The least I can do is pay her back.

@KellyLynch

Thank you for planning for your parents needs. So many others in this thread fail to remember the debt they owe their parents.

You'd have to be a pretty bad parent to have kids in order to keep them in your debt.

My dad would have move heaven & earth to keep a roof over his mother's head; he'd also move heaven & earth to avoid being a financial burden on me.

I would like to know more about OP's situation. Most people don't have the spare dosh to support their parents, anyway.

I plan to pay them monthly so they can retire in next couple years. Prob £2-3k a month

You do realise that many families have less than that as their income, for the whole month - to pay rent or mortgage, bills, food, travel, insurances etc etc. The concept of having "£2-£3K a month" spare, after your own essential costs is completely alien to the overwhelming majority of the population ?

I can’t believe the comments on here. My mother a father gave me everything the could whilst I was growing up. If I can enhance their life in any way then I would, but obviously only if I could afford it.

So you are actually saying the same as almost everyone else. By saying "obviously only if I could afford it", you are putting the same caveat as the overwhelming majority of posters - that they are obviously paying their own bills and looking after their own families first. I've read the whole thread and am not seeing people saying "No, I'd never help my parents", I'm seeing people saying that their parents don't need to be taking money from their adult dc as, overwhelmingly the elderly parents are in a much better place financially than the adult dc.

No need as they are well off.

No. I don't budget for it, the way I budget for dcs' uni fees or our own retirement. If they need financial help, we will amongst my siblings consider how to fund it.

As it is, although my dad does not have a pension and my mum did not work, they have assets and investments which should see them through. My dad still pays for my dsis

No, if I have the means I'll help my kids get set up, like give a deposit towards a house, finance 3rd level education etc. Certainly won't be helping out my parents or parents in law nor do I think it's expected

No! My parent's generation are generally better off - free university, low house prices comparative to income, 'jobs for life', final salary pension, benefitted from inheritance as their parents generation died at a younger age, etc, etc

Aware its a generalisation, and will don my hard hat, but that's our reality in my circle of friends

Definitely a sweeping generalisation. You cannot say a whole generation is better off based on your circle of friends experience - and even then some of your statements are factually incorrect.