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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 28/05/2021 09:23

@purplecrane I absolutely get what you mean, but temple is right. It's not that common here. I think that the difference is the benefit system as well. You mentioned none in your country, there is not so much in mine either compared to here so it is a different thinking to here. Same like the houses being sold to cover the care. We don't have that. We pay for our parents/grand parents (my mum pays for her mum now. That side of family really, really overlives their husbands😳so no one else to help but kids).

It's different. Neither is wrong. But I get why you find it strange. Same way like locals (most?) find your system strange.

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 09:30

@SchrodingersImmigrant yes, you do understand!

Another point I have realised through this thread: It is interesting, I always considered "my country" to be the UK (white British origin, born there and have always been British, although my parents live elsewhere, as did my grandparents) but I think that having family who live in an entirely different system means that maybe I am not as culturally British as I imagined, particularly in the areas touched upon on this thread!

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 28/05/2021 09:32

No I most certainly will not be, they did Jack Shit for my siblings and I as they were far too busy showing off all their cruises and diamond necklaces that they bought which my mam never wears. As for my dad, what goes around comes around, he treat his own mother like dirt so he'll will freeze over before we help him!

ToffeePennie · 28/05/2021 09:43

No.
I’m fairly certain my FIL will pass away from a stress induced heart attack and I’m pretty sure MIL won’t last a week without him.
My dad will likely pass away in hospital and my mum will be independent until the day she dies. That’s the type of people they are. I can’t see any one of them agreeing to a nursing home.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 28/05/2021 09:43

@purplecrane yes. It does make difference, the family in a different system.

As I say. They are all different, but neither is wrong. It's just different which can sometimes be baffling a bit.

Tbf though🙈. It may be confusing seeing that kids don't want to help, because one of the things often said to us childfree is "but who will take care of you when you are old😱".

TulisaIsBrill · 28/05/2021 09:56

  • if they had fallen on hard times through an unpredictable event - absolutely I would look after them, gladly

  • if they had fallen on hard times through their own bad decisions, absolutely I would look after them, but with a heavy sigh

  • if they had a reasonable lifestyle, enough assets to last and no further need of income, then of course not.

TulisaIsBrill · 28/05/2021 09:58

(an unpredictable event was not the financial crisis or similar to be clear - that anyone with a brain could see was going to happen, and should have diversified around)

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 10:34

I would say my parents would come into the category of falling on hard times partly because of their own "bad decisions", but there are a lot of factors. Their poor decision-making is a factor, sure. They live for the moment and don't think a lot about the future. It can be endearing but also very frustrating.

But one of those financial decisions (the biggest one of their lives probably), which had an impact on their finances/assets for the rest of their lives, was to "bankroll" a completely out-of-their-price-range education for me (and support me in every other way, including my living with them and totally reliant on them) until I was 26.

I also wonder whether the fact that my grandparents spent their final years completely dependant on my uncle had an unconscious role to play. I don't think my parents would have betted consciously on my being able to support them as I do now. My uncle became literally super-rich in business. I am simply a well-paid professional, albeit more financially successful than would have been expected at the outset because of some luck.

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 10:40

@ToffeePennie I would not have seen my grandmother agree to a nursing home either. But after a broken hip and neck, and the onset of dementia, we had to persuade her. She lived her final couple of years pretty happily, as it happened (lucky enough, of course, that my uncle could afford the very best care home for her).

Mesoavocado · 28/05/2021 17:25

Ha no way. My mums minted as sadly my dad died a few years ago

yoyo1234 · 28/05/2021 17:36

No. We see our money as for our DC .

BornAgainCountryBumpkin1 · 28/05/2021 17:43

No but knowing my mum she won't have thought about this so watch this space....dad is a lot older & been drawing his pension for over 20 years so I really hope she starts soon as it won't last forever. Only just got away from generation rent (mid thirties) so we don't have much for us let alone anyone else.

ConkerBonkers · 28/05/2021 17:43

Not my parents, but my partners parent, when we were obviously completely broke, renting, my partner up to his ears in debt, and I had been financially supporting my partner and step child by working two jobs, just to keep us floating and able to pay our way in life, the parent of my dpartner proclaimed that when their divorce settlement stopped paying them monthly on the potential death of their ex-spouse, would d partner give them an allowance....this despite them having an excellent pension, owning their own house, and as it turns out having tens of thousands tucked away in shares and savings.

My own parents would not dream of making such requests.

Happyhappyday · 28/05/2021 17:50

No, but both sides definitely have mid 7 figures at least in assets so definitely not going to be relying on us! If they were badly off I think I would though.

jenkel · 28/05/2021 17:51

No, my parents are in a lot better financial position that what I ever hope to be in,.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/05/2021 17:51

No, my Dad has far more money than me (but not rich). My in-laws don't and I'd be less keen on helping them because they have had the chance to save and decided holidays were more important.

It's all irrelevant though because we have no money.

user1471538283 · 28/05/2021 17:55

I didnt but my plan was for my DF to have an annex on our home. Unfortunately we lost him before he was elderly. With my DM I was absolutely not going to do anything for her as she did nothing for me.

geraniumandcarnation · 28/05/2021 17:55

Absolutely not

dudsville · 28/05/2021 17:58

My family have always taken parents in for as long as possible, then care. That tradition will die with me unfortunately but I look forward to it.

whoopsabloominbuttercup · 28/05/2021 18:00

Chance would be a fine thing. A lot of us parents are still helping out our grown up children. I am not moaning, I would give my daughter my last penny and she would give me hers.

forinborin · 28/05/2021 18:03

Yes, absolutely, from age of approximately 60 and until the end of their lives (neither has a pension or any assets). Me and my sibling have put a plan in place.

QuornSausagesAreTheDevilsPenis · 28/05/2021 18:04

Nope. My parents are better off than us.

BlowDryRat · 28/05/2021 18:08

No, it's not something I would expect to have to do. I'm planning for my own old age.

whoopsabloominbuttercup · 28/05/2021 18:09

My parents are dead now. They never had any money they lived hand to mouth bringing up the three of us children. They were in terrible slum housing. My BIL managed to get them a lovely sheltered housing flat. Me and my siblings furnished it for them. You know why we did it? Because we loved them both.

Lucaslucas1612 · 28/05/2021 18:11

No but DH are aware we probably will need to help his DD out as he has no one else. We would have to see dividends we are lucky enough to have.