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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
omgthepain · 28/05/2021 18:29

My parents are Better off than us - with state pension and occupational pension they each bring home more money than we do a month and have probably about £500 more than us coming in a month not to mention that they are mortgage free!!!
It's absolutely not children's place to support their elderly relatives

My friends mum died with a lot of debt and that was a nightmare she had to basically prove she'd sold every asset to satisfy some of these people and ended up about £5000 out of pocket to get them off her back! I wouldn't have done it once it's all gone, it's gone

Jennylove · 28/05/2021 18:46

I have a widowed mother with a tiny pension. I contribute to her finances by DD every month. She did her best by us all, and I give what I can. While still struggling trying to make my own ends meet. Family supports family.

whoopsabloominbuttercup · 28/05/2021 18:48

omgthepain

If your parents are better off than you why would they expect you to support them.

What if your parents were poor? would you help to support them then.?

AntiStuff · 28/05/2021 19:13

Absolutely not. My parents are way better off than I am.

However my husband’s parents have been helped out loads (to the extent of helping them buy a house) by his older siblings. They came to the UK fifty years ago and left a good standard of living and jobs in East Africa and ended up with very little here. There does seem to be a definite expectation in his culture (Asian) that you help out family members in need.

Localocal · 28/05/2021 19:16

No, but if necessary I would.

Roxy69 · 28/05/2021 19:25

Why not? if they need help and have no other means. I doubt they would ask for help if they didnt absolutely need to, but I loved my (not wealthy) parents and would deny them nothing, as they did for me until I was 18 and left home. Lots of different circumstances though and people's morality has moved on.

Sarahplane · 28/05/2021 19:28

No my parents are far better off than we are. Their monthly pensions are over double what we earn and they're mortgage free and obviously have no children to support.

Addicted2LuvIsland · 28/05/2021 19:28

Happy to help in whatever way I can. Parents are welcome to live with me when and if needs must.

Miseryl · 28/05/2021 19:29

Definitely not and neither would I expect my
DC to pay for me in retirement either.

caoraich · 28/05/2021 19:50

Yes. My brother and I earn much more than our parents. For various reasons we'd prefer the family home not to be sold to pay for care if one dies and the other then needs care. So we have a savings account to pay for potential care costs instead. We are a close family, they gave us a wonderful childhood and helped us out financially when we were younger. Other people's families are different and I wouldn't expect everyone to make the same decisions.

Middersweekly · 28/05/2021 20:04

No, my parents are both comfortably off and they each own their own properties outright. If they need care the cost will be paid via their properties.

shamelesschocaholic · 28/05/2021 20:18

Yes - they have no pensions and have always helped me massively both with actual support and helping me with kids whilst I studied for 7 years. I plan to pay them monthly so they can retire in next couple years. Prob £2-3k a month

maddiemookins16mum · 28/05/2021 20:20

I gave my time, love and support - in bucketloads. I could not have helped financially unless it was small bills and a weekly food shop which, if needed, I would have done in a heartbeat.

Bananarice · 28/05/2021 20:31

I would probably do what your siblings are suggesting for dm. But we will do what everyone can afford and have a target payments for dm. There is projected to be huge income disparity between my siblings. One sister is finishing her medical degree and another sister has had a recent diagnosis of a rare illness that made her disabled. Anyway that is what she used to do for grandma.

Df has a lot of money and the most I'm projected to do is what I do now. Call at least once a month.

Dh parents are both dead.

Leontine · 28/05/2021 20:32

No because I’m worse of financially than both my parents and probably always will be.

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 20:33

@forinborin that is heartening to hear

BestestBrownies · 28/05/2021 20:55

Wow. The responses on here are a real eye-opener. So much jealousy and ill feeling caused by wealth (or lack of) Sad

Whatever help my own parents or DP’s mum need in time we will gladly give (we are by no means wealthy ourselves). Because we love them and would want them all to be able to eat well, stay warm and have a decent quality of life in their twilight years. They raised us FFS.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 28/05/2021 20:58

Whatever help my own parents or DP’s mum need in time we will gladly give (we are by no means wealthy ourselves). Because we love them and would want them all to be able to eat well, stay warm and have a decent quality of life in their twilight years. They raised us FFS

The majority of posters on the thread have said that their parents don’t need help...not that they’d never give any help

sorrow4ever · 28/05/2021 21:13

No I haven’t in the past. But they haven’t aged well - my mum needs 24/7 care and my father is 84 years old. My father made very bad investments in the past which result in having no spare money. I will be selling my house to move closer to them so I can help them out financially. This was never what I had in mind when I started a family but regardless of our differences they are still the ones who raised me.

Ugzbugz · 28/05/2021 21:49

My mum's already retired and never even crossed my mind tbh! I'm a single parent and not living on the bread line and would always help if needed but don't save for her Hmm

pam290358 · 28/05/2021 22:07

Absolutely not. If they can’t afford care in later life, social services will provide means tested support. I wouldn’t see them in an awful care home and whatever top up is needed we would try our best, but this is down to personal responsibility. We’re all going to get old and we should all be thinking about how best to provide for it before we get there.

Empressofthemundane · 28/05/2021 22:07

I’ve considered needing to do this for my mum. Never actually budgeted for it and haven’t had to do it, but have considered it and discussed it with my husband.

I think you only do this if you can (your own children come first) and if you have parents who might need the help.

PetuniaK · 28/05/2021 22:09

No, I don’t intend for us to give financial support to MIL. Any financial issues she may face in future have been caused by her own decision to retire 10 years early...in good health, she just didn’t like her boss 🙄

Her house should cover 4/5 years of residential care.

FIL (divorced) and my side have always worked hard and will be very comfortable for as long as needed, so support from us wouldn’t be needed.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 28/05/2021 22:13

Well 'it depends'. Would I pay for their residential care? No. Would I buy them a few groceries/meals/ clothes if they were on a small pension? Yes of course. If £100 a month made a massive dent in my income so my family had to go without - no way. Taking meals/ providing practical support is more than enough.
Could it be that £100 isn't that much to your siblings and they haven't thought through or don't know how much it would impact your family's lives?

Devora13 · 28/05/2021 23:18

My parents didn't have much money, I think my siblings and I were left about £1k each. But I would have loved to have them live with me and actually did a lot of house hunting with a separate area or annex in mind. In they end, they decided to go for a flat instead. But it seems so many older people I've come across in homes aren't in need of nursing, just a home and company.

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