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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you budget for this??

480 replies

goldenfoldies · 26/05/2021 23:17

Do/did/will you budget for helping out your parents in their old age/retirement?

If so how much?

I have name changed for this and am looking to settle an argument with someone. Won't say which side I'm on just yet. But just curious as to what others think/do?

OP posts:
purplecrane · 28/05/2021 08:23

@Templetreebreeze exactly. No, no pension, no property, no benefits and now (because of pandemic) no income whatsoever. They didn't plan well, obviously they could have had a private pension but they didn't and now it is what it is. I have two brothers but my income is many times what theirs is. One brother lives in the country where they live, although not the same city, and he has a house, so perhaps one of them ending up living with him when the other is gone might be a possibility.

For the moment maintaining the parents in their own house (which they don't own any more but can keep living in, it's complicated) is important to their well-being (they have lots of animals etc, and have lived in the same house for over 40 years). So I "bank roll" that (hate that term) for lack of any other options.

I didn't come on here to boast about being a great daughter etc, just answering the question the OP asked to highlight that yes, some people do plan for this (and obviously many don't, either because they can't or don't need to).

Templetreebreeze · 28/05/2021 08:31

[quote purplecrane]@Templetreebreeze exactly. No, no pension, no property, no benefits and now (because of pandemic) no income whatsoever. They didn't plan well, obviously they could have had a private pension but they didn't and now it is what it is. I have two brothers but my income is many times what theirs is. One brother lives in the country where they live, although not the same city, and he has a house, so perhaps one of them ending up living with him when the other is gone might be a possibility.

For the moment maintaining the parents in their own house (which they don't own any more but can keep living in, it's complicated) is important to their well-being (they have lots of animals etc, and have lived in the same house for over 40 years). So I "bank roll" that (hate that term) for lack of any other options.

I didn't come on here to boast about being a great daughter etc, just answering the question the OP asked to highlight that yes, some people do plan for this (and obviously many don't, either because they can't or don't need to).[/quote]
Ok but that is a completely different situation sadly, to what most of us experience so perhaps dont judge us based on your situation?

anuvamotherhood · 28/05/2021 08:32

No, my parents ensured their retirement and live quite well. It's not the child's job to pay for that. I couldn't imagine telling my own children one day I want to retire so cough up. Hmm

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 08:42

I am not judging exactly. I don't like the way society does not, in its current structure, generally facilitate or even value family members helping each other when needed. And I don't think that looking after family members if you can AND they need it is a "job", nor that because someone is "an adult" or a parent they should by default be left to fend for themselves if other family members are in a position to help them.

People saying "no because my parents are well off" or "no because I need all my resources for myself and my children" is absolutely fine, and exactly what I would say in their position (btw I would not prioritise my parents over my children if I had to choose, I am lucky that I don't have to). People saying essentially "no because they made their bed so let them lie in it" or "no because they are adults" does not sit well with me.

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 08:43

When did caring for your family become a "job"?

felulageller · 28/05/2021 08:46

Are you in the UK?

For most people here the baby boomers hitting retirement now are a lot wealthier than their children!

It's the bank of mum and dad not the bank of the DC's!

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 08:56

No I am not in the UK (although I am from there and lived there most of my life). I never owned property in the UK but I have a very good UK pension (have now retired from my job there and taken my pension) and my own business, which I continue from the country where I now live and own property.

I may or may not end up being wealthier than my children, but my stepdaughters (young adults now, at university) are both about to become professionals in similar fields to me, so will probably end up similar to me when they are older.

I myself benefitted vastly from the "bank of mum and dad", as I have explained upthread. They "bankrolled" an extremely expensive education for me for many years (until I was in my mid-twenties) and they were not wealthy at all, and gave up a lot to do it. But "the bank of mum and dad" is just a wry saying (in the UK), why should the existence of such a thing preclude other types of intra-family financial support as needed?

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 08:57

Just to clarify, when I say "my children" there, I do mean my stepdaughters, not other children. (I have another child but he has special needs and so is in a different position).

Templetreebreeze · 28/05/2021 09:02

@purplecrane

I am not judging exactly. I don't like the way society does not, in its current structure, generally facilitate or even value family members helping each other when needed. And I don't think that looking after family members if you can AND they need it is a "job", nor that because someone is "an adult" or a parent they should by default be left to fend for themselves if other family members are in a position to help them.

People saying "no because my parents are well off" or "no because I need all my resources for myself and my children" is absolutely fine, and exactly what I would say in their position (btw I would not prioritise my parents over my children if I had to choose, I am lucky that I don't have to). People saying essentially "no because they made their bed so let them lie in it" or "no because they are adults" does not sit well with me.

Well you are! Tbh you just seem to want to have a go at people for whatever reason. You say its not a job , well it is a pretty full on occupation caring for family whether that be children or the elderly and often left to women. Women are pulled in all direction sandwiched between paid work, children and the elderly. I agree it should be recognised but saying " its not a job" is how this situation of not recognising caring roles has come about in the first place. The sheer exhaustion of this is minimised. But you said you wouldnt be doing any hands on care anyway-so why berate others. Clearly some people dont have a great relationship with their parents and if they have been financially irresponsible or abusive then why should they be expected to help?
SchrodingersImmigrant · 28/05/2021 09:04

I think you two are talking about slightly different thing.
Purple means support, not a full on caring. So I get what she means.

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 09:05

Basically my family is a not at all well-off family, which has a few members who have "broken out" and done financially much better for themselves than the rest. I am one of those members. So was my uncle, who became exceptionally wealthy (way way beyond me) and completely "bankrolled" his parents (my grandparents) for the last decade of their lives (they too lived in the country where my parents live now, no social security, state pension available etc). So I guess our family is at heart a bit different to most white UK families (but, I would submit, in some ways akin to some other cultures).

Darbs76 · 28/05/2021 09:07

No but my mum has enough money to pay for care and her house would have to finance it if she had to go into a home. Hope that won’t happen as I am hoping to return to my home town once my kids have left home and my work is flexible for home working but we shall see

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 09:08

Of course caring is a job. That is not at all what I am getting at. Absolutely not. I was rebutting people who are saying that it is "not their job" to provide financial support for struggling family members. It isn't a job. It's what close family members do, surely?

Lalliebelle · 28/05/2021 09:09

No, that's not my financial responsibility.

Templetreebreeze · 28/05/2021 09:09

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I think you two are talking about slightly different thing. Purple means support, not a full on caring. So I get what she means.
Yes thats exactly what I said up thread!Confused

Having a go based on your own extreme circumstances is not fair though.

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 09:09

And I have aready said that if the parents (or any other family memers who might ordinarily expect some support from their siblings, parents etc) were abusive/mean/horrible etc, then that is entirely different.

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 09:11

I am not having a go at all. I am saying that I find it sad that some people would reject the idea of helping their parents financially on principle , rather than based on circumstances.

Templetreebreeze · 28/05/2021 09:15

@purplecrane

Of course caring is a job. That is not at all what I am getting at. Absolutely not. I was rebutting people who are saying that it is "not their job" to provide financial support for struggling family members. It isn't a job. It's what close family members do, surely?
No it isnt " what close family members do " It is in your country/ culture but in the UK its pretty much unheard of for children to support parents unless there is an expected cultural element or serious financial issues. My parents made provision for their later years and if they hadnt then social care would step in and pay for their care.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 28/05/2021 09:16

*Yes thats exactly what I said up thread!confused

Having a go based on your own extreme circumstances is not fair though.*

If you knew she wasn't talking about physically caring I don't understand your post about physical caring to be a job, at all then. Never mind

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 09:16

It's "not my job" or "financial responsibility" to give money to charity, but I do, as I suspect most people on this thread do. It's "not my job" to run over and help someone who has fallen in the street, but I would, and so would most people on this thread. People would not refrain from doing thoose things saying "it's not my job", would they? Those are just smaller and more mundane versions of the same thing.

Templetreebreeze · 28/05/2021 09:19

@purplecrane

I am not having a go at all. I am saying that I find it sad that some people would reject the idea of helping their parents financially on principle , rather than based on circumstances.
Why would people virtually bankrupt themselves when social services would be duty bound to ensure their parents were cared for? We have a Social care system in the UK Do you really think that families would just have 1K per week lying around for a care home.
purplecrane · 28/05/2021 09:19

@Templetreebreeze but there are "serious financial issues". My parents would both probably have been dead years ago without medical insurance, which I pay for. And they would be starving right now if I was not supporting them. Pretty serious. And as you say, in the UK social care would kick in. That does not apply here.

Templetreebreeze · 28/05/2021 09:20

@SchrodingersImmigrant

*Yes thats exactly what I said up thread!confused

Having a go based on your own extreme circumstances is not fair though.*

If you knew she wasn't talking about physically caring I don't understand your post about physical caring to be a job, at all then. Never mind

Shes changing it with every post Its finances, its not finances its caring, its finances again. Circular argument which makes no sense! Im out !
FlippinFedUp21 · 28/05/2021 09:22

No. I expect my parents to budget for their own retirement/old age. I'm budgeting for my own retirement/old age. Parents shouldn't be a financial burden for their children.

purplecrane · 28/05/2021 09:22

@Templetreebreeze yes exactly so. If the parents have social care and so don't need the support, and/or the child does not have the resourecs to support them, obviously it cannot and should not happen. I was talking about the PP saying they would not support their parents on principle , ie because it goes against their idea of the natural order of things (in one particular culture), not familes where it is not needed or not possible.

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