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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up my dream job for the sake of my son?

435 replies

ThornAmongstRoses · 26/05/2021 20:52

Last week my dream job was offered to me. I’ve still got to officially interview for it but I’ve pretty much been told it’s mine.

This job is something I’ve wanted for about 5 years, it’s something I’m so passionate about but I never thought it would be an option - but now it’s being given to me on a plate....it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

The only downside is that I would have to move closer to the job, it’s not far away at all but it’s enough to mean I’d have to move my 7 year old to a different school.

I feel heartbroken at the thought of doing that to him....but on the other hand, I want this job so, so much.

I just don’t know what to do.

My husband has said I have to take the job and although it may be difficult at first, our son will adapt to a different school, but I feel so incredibly selfish for even considering doing that to him to follow my dream.

I am so torn, conflicted, confused, sad....a whole range of emotions and I just don’t know what to do.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Or could anyone just advise me? I feel like I can’t see the woods for the trees Sad

OP posts:
AdriannaP · 26/05/2021 21:14

Seriously take the job. You are being unnecessarily overly dramatic. Of course he will be sad, but he can start the new school year in September and make new friends. Sign him up for sports/after school clubs and he will have made friends in no time. Also your DH can sometimes drive him to see his old friends or they can visit you?
You have to at least try and make it work if it’s your dream job. You are not moving to a new country/new language/new culture, your son will be fine. Trust him to be resilient and make the new situation exciting for him too: exciting new house, new bedroom etc.
At this age parents are much more important than friends.

LuvMyBubbles · 26/05/2021 21:14

@cadburyegg

I have a 6 year old and I wouldn’t change schools unless I had absolutely no other choice (ie I lost my job so needed another one badly). But he has separation anxiety and struggles to settle in the new class every year... so.... only you know your child and how well he will settle I guess
She has not said any of this. Take the job. Move your son, school has been crazy this year anyway. Children adapt they make new friends and you make the effort to still catch up with his old buddies. Sorry to sound harsh but don't pander to a 7 year old when it's your career, your happiness and your families ultimate happiness too
YouWereGr8InLittleMenstruators · 26/05/2021 21:15

Hm, I don't think you're being overly dramatic. I totally get why you would feel reluctant to move your DS to a different school, but then I am a primary teacher teaching this year group and have a DD the same age so may not be responding objectively! I love my DC's primary school as do they and it would be a wrench to uproot them.
Is it impossible to do both; take the job and keep your DS at his current school, using wraparound care? Is it the distance, the travel time or crossing the county border that bothers you? If I accepted a job on the other side of town, I would likely be crossing into the neighbouring county, add 40 mins to my commute either way although it would only be 5-6 miles from where I live. I'd definitely keep the DC at their school and suck up the commute.
But congratulations on being in demand! Smile

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 26/05/2021 21:15

It must be mother’s guilt or something.

I have spent almost a week agonising over this, and still am, whereas my husband gave it two minutes of thought and said, “We’ll just move, he’ll be fine.”

How do they do that?!

OP posts:
AdriannaP · 26/05/2021 21:17

@ThornAmongstRoses

All I keep thinking is what if he’s really unhappy and it will be my fault. It’s a horrible feeling.
You are creating a scenario in your head that doesn’t even exist. What if he loves the new school? What if he hates his school next year because he has a new teacher? Lots of scenarios that might happen or not.

I assume this new dream job pays well, so another option is to have a nanny/babysitter that drives him to his old school and picks him after school? Unless your DH can do it?

lily2403 · 26/05/2021 21:18

I moved school at 9 was fine. Made new friends. Kids are adaptable. Different if high school
And exams

Stompythedinosaur · 26/05/2021 21:18

7 is not a bad age to move - I would do it. He will adapt, and fairly easily, I'd imagine.

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 26/05/2021 21:18

Is it the distance, the travel time or crossing the county border that bothers you?

It’s the fact it would be almost two hours on public transport each way. Almost four hours of travelling each day and I’d barely see my children as a result. It’s just not a feasible option Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/05/2021 21:18

It will be fine can have play dates with friends from previous school.

AdriannaP · 26/05/2021 21:19

@ThornAmongstRoses

It must be mother’s guilt or something.

I have spent almost a week agonising over this, and still am, whereas my husband gave it two minutes of thought and said, “We’ll just move, he’ll be fine.”

How do they do that?!

Honestly I’d be the same if my dream job comes up. My job in life is not to make my child happy. Moving is not a big trauma for a small child especially when staying with parents in the same country!
alexis4theppl · 26/05/2021 21:19

I remember moving primary at around 9.. went into year 5 at new school. Was sad saying bye to old school/friends but I settled in really quickly and made lots of new friends easily. I am actually still good friends with 2 girls from the 1st primary that is stayed in touch with. We are 35 now 😄

Take the job, it's an opportunity you should grab so you can love what you do. Make the move exciting and an adventure for your boy, he will be fine x

monkeysox · 26/05/2021 21:19

Learn to drive. Sorted.

ChaBishkoot · 26/05/2021 21:19

Do it. We moved countries with kids. Twice. Then cities. All for work. They are fine. He will make new friends and be fine. Imagine telling him in a decade’s time that you gave up your dream job because of his friends in primary school.

Lougle · 26/05/2021 21:20

DD3 (12) went to 3 schools in the primary phase, part through circumstance (sister changed school and she decided to follow), part through choice (outgrew her small school and asked to go to a bigger one). She's very happy.

JudgeJ · 26/05/2021 21:21

@partyatthepalace

Dear god woman - take the bloody job - and wind down the drama while you’re at it. Kids have to move schools for their parents’ work all the flipping time - and he’s 7, he’s not midway through GCSEs!
When we taught army children in Germany during a school year it was the norm to have about a 75% change over! Children are surprisingly resiliant.
Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 26/05/2021 21:21

I assume this new dream job pays well, so another option is to have a nanny/babysitter that drives him to his old school and picks him after school? Unless your DH can do it?

It is a pay rise and it will open so many doors and career opportunities for me - I’m just so overwhelmed by this chance that I still can’t quite believe it’s happening.

My husband would have to leave for work at about 7am so he couldn’t do school drop-offs or pick ups. Plus, in general I imagine it’s not very practical to have your child in a school that’s down the motorway and in a different county to the one you live in.

OP posts:
allfurcoatnoknickers · 26/05/2021 21:21

@ThornAmongstRoses

It must be mother’s guilt or something.

I have spent almost a week agonising over this, and still am, whereas my husband gave it two minutes of thought and said, “We’ll just move, he’ll be fine.”

How do they do that?!

I might be defective, because at that age I wouldn't give it a moment's thought. I grew up in an area with a fairly transient population, and also went to a school which was only co-ed until 7, so it feels fairly natural to me?

It's a big burden to put on a child, making them the reason you held yourself back in life.

NoProblem123 · 26/05/2021 21:22

I would accept the job and do the commute until I was happy enough with the job to either move him, or just get use to the commute !
Can you wfh at all ?

No way should you turn the job down.

DeRigueurMortis · 26/05/2021 21:22

@CandyLeBonBon

Op I moved my three when they were 11, 8 and 4 and my eldest is autistic and hates change. Smooth support and good transition support your son will be fine. He can still see his friends for play dates - it's not that far away. That's what I did and it seems to have worked because I didn't cut off their old life

This.

He doesn't have to lose his old friends if you and your DH are willing to facilitate play dates at weekends. Rather it's an opportunity to make more friends not lose any.

What not fair is to place the burden on him of being the reason you didn't take your dream job.

Yes there will be a period of re-adjustment but soon there will be another one when he goes to secondary school anyway.

You can't (and shouldn't) protect your child from change. All you can do as a good parent is provide them with the tools and support to see the opportunities change provides and assist the transition with sensitivity.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 26/05/2021 21:22

Take the job. Do the horrible commute until September. Move DS for the beginning of the next school year.

TwoBlueFish · 26/05/2021 21:23

Would you qualify for help from access to work? www.gov.uk/access-to-work

Or could you see how much a regular taxi would cost?

Your son will adapt to a new school. I changed schools multiple times as a child and always made new friends.

TableFlowerss · 26/05/2021 21:23

@ThornAmongstRoses

If it's not far away why does he have to move schools?

I say not far away in terms of it’s only a 25 minute drive, but it’s about 15 miles away and in a different county to the one we live in now.

25 min commute to his school? Keep him there and take the job!
denverRegina · 26/05/2021 21:24

"it will open so many doors and career opportunities for me - I’m just so overwhelmed by this chance that I still can’t quite believe it’s happening."

Then stop faffing about and accept the job before they change their minds!!

Kids move all the time, he's fine. Do the commute for the next term and he can start at his new school in September.

JudgeJ · 26/05/2021 21:24

He's 7, in 15 years time he'll be off and if you don't take the job you'll find yourself regretting it when you have a lot of time available and you feel under achieving.

Original poster
ThornAmongstRoses · 26/05/2021 21:24

Or could you see how much a regular taxi would cost?

It’s about £45 each way Confused

I will have a look at that link, thank you.

OP posts: