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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up my dream job for the sake of my son?

435 replies

ThornAmongstRoses · 26/05/2021 20:52

Last week my dream job was offered to me. I’ve still got to officially interview for it but I’ve pretty much been told it’s mine.

This job is something I’ve wanted for about 5 years, it’s something I’m so passionate about but I never thought it would be an option - but now it’s being given to me on a plate....it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

The only downside is that I would have to move closer to the job, it’s not far away at all but it’s enough to mean I’d have to move my 7 year old to a different school.

I feel heartbroken at the thought of doing that to him....but on the other hand, I want this job so, so much.

I just don’t know what to do.

My husband has said I have to take the job and although it may be difficult at first, our son will adapt to a different school, but I feel so incredibly selfish for even considering doing that to him to follow my dream.

I am so torn, conflicted, confused, sad....a whole range of emotions and I just don’t know what to do.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Or could anyone just advise me? I feel like I can’t see the woods for the trees Sad

OP posts:
cupoftea2021 · 27/05/2021 10:51

He will be fine
It is a case of keeping contact with his friends and kids adapt.
Take the job I mean wow why not.

cupoftea2021 · 27/05/2021 10:52

@ThornAmongstRoses

Have you asked your son how he feels about a school move? He may be fine with it

I asked him earlier and he said he’d be really sad because he’d miss his friends Sad

Skype, emails and phone calls he won't miss them as much.
mam0918 · 27/05/2021 10:56

One of the few things Im still mad at from my childhood was my mam dragging me away from my friends, family and security to move closer to her family and move in with her partner.

I NEVER adjusted and went through years of hell at the hand of the local kids who bullied me ruthlessly, I left home and left the area at 16 - even as an adult I dont feel like I have a 'home'.

Contrast that with the very happy and contented life my DH had in his childhood home where he still has the same best friend now that he had 30 years ago and honestly I would never drag my child away and steal that from him even though I hate living here.

If its 'not that far' then why cant you just commute?
Nearly everyone I know has to commute, you dont need to live near a job (hell there was even a guy in the papers a while back that commuted daily from barcelona to london lol).

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 27/05/2021 11:01

If you’re not sure about Access to Work support PLEASE call them to double check whether taxi fares would be supported given the 2 hr commute.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 27/05/2021 11:04

Take the job - no brainer

Iwantanap · 27/05/2021 11:05

If it were a man then the family would move. We did three times growing up and my mum did too. I think it would be good to look round some of the schools to help you decide.
I think it's just a risk you have to take. If it goes wrong, move back.

chocorabbit · 27/05/2021 11:07

I agree wih you OP that you should move ready for year 3! If you wait until secondary he will not have any friends at all when he starts. At least now he will know some pupils at secondary. Good luck Smile

Ellie56 · 27/05/2021 11:12

Oh and when my son started his new school, another boy started the same day and they became best friends for years.

Turquoisesea · 27/05/2021 11:12

My parents moved towns when I was 7 for my DFs job. I remember crying, pleading with them I didn’t want to leave my friends and at the time was upset. Within 2 weeks at my new school the teacher said it’s like I had always been there, I settled really easily and made good friends. But if my parents had listened to me we wouldn’t have moved! I think 7 is a good age to do this, it would be much harder if they were in secondary school!

shutthedamndoor · 27/05/2021 11:23

It depends on the personality of your son.
My suggestions, based on moving my (reasonably confident) children abroad, aged 8 and 10.
If you can, get your son involved in clubs/sports etc. in the new area, or at least get him enrolled for September so that he isn't only reliant on making new friends in school, just incase it doesn't happen immediately.
Prepare yourself for a settling in period of about 3 months, when you may question if it's worth it.
Have a great Christmas and see a turnaround on the first day of school as he runs in to see his friends.
My kids are in touch with a couple of children from their original school, a couple from the one abroad, and are now settled in another school. It worked out ok for us, but everyone's different.

There will be bumps along the way, but there are always bumps, even if you spend your whole childhood in one place.

DreamingNow · 27/05/2021 11:28

@ThornAmongstRoses

Prior to losing my licence I was driving for 9 years and the impact it’s had in my life has been awful. I had previously been seizure free for 13 years and then I had a seizure completely out the blue and it’s all gone downhill from there. I’ve had a really rough few years trying to adapt to life with epilepsy again, I had forgotten what it was like to have the condition always hanging over me and having so much control over my life.

This job means everything to me - if feels like after two really, really shitty years, this is my chance to be happy again.

And that’s even more of a reason to move.

It will be an opportunity to show to your son that having a chronic illness

  • doesn’t mean you should give up on your dream job
  • sometimes you need to accomodate someone with specific issues and it’s ok (and normal)
  • you can still be happy, have a fulfilling life etc....
motogogo · 27/05/2021 11:34

Take the job, your son will be fine moving schools. Many kids have to, it's not a big deal

YellowFish12 · 27/05/2021 11:35

Meh
He'll get over it

JakeChambers · 27/05/2021 12:19

I agree with TheDizzyLady. Not all kids are fine. I was moved at 7 and never really settled into my new school. Found it impossible to make new friends as they had all formed their groups. It significantly affected my confidence and I found it really hard to make friends again until secondary school. Before that I was chatty, confident and happy with a good circle of friends. My mum thought I was fine and happy in my new school, as I never bothered telling her different. In my child's mind, she wouldn't have moved me if she'd cared.

I wouldn't move my daughter for a job, and have turned down dream jobs on that basis, but that's my experience colouring my view. There's thousands of kids and probably millions of adults who have changed schools successfully and happily. Only you know which one your son might be.

Dozycuntlaters · 27/05/2021 12:28

This job means everything to me - if feels like after two really, really shitty years, this is my chance to be happy again.

There's your answer then. Take the job, see how the commute goes and if it's too much but you love the job then move. Your son will be fine.

BlankTimes · 27/05/2021 12:36

Definitely move, if your son doesn't settle in his first new school, there will be other schools to choose from.

Would you seriously base any other major financial decisions about your future on what your 7 year old child thinks?

TableFlowerss · 27/05/2021 12:45

@NuffSaidSam

'It’s not the other posters job to make sure that OP hasn’t missed a vital piece of info in their initial post.... drip feeding is not ideal'

She hasn't dripfed. It says in the OP 'I would have to move'. It's not the OP's fault that people can't accept that she HAS to move and want to quiz her on why. The question was re. moving the DC school given that to take this job she HAS to move. The information is in the OP, you just have to read and believe it!

Yes she, has because she was saying it would take a 25 minute drive, so the natural reaction would be to suggest she does this instead if moves.

It would have been better to say, ‘I can’t drive, because I’ve got no license due to medical reasons’ then it would have been cleared up...

TableFlowerss · 27/05/2021 12:49

[quote HerMammy]@TableFlowerss
14 pages in things might have moved along, always helpful to press ALL[/quote]
I think many people read the first post then reply... they don’t necessarily read all OP’s posts. I don’t. I take it for what it is, in the initial one so if there’s info missing...

Darkstar4855 · 27/05/2021 12:52

I put YANBU because I misread the title. I meant you would not be unreasonable to take the job. 7 year olds adapt and having a happy mum who enjoys her job will be good for him.

NuffSaidSam · 27/05/2021 13:10

'Yes she, has because she was saying it would take a 25 minute drive, so the natural reaction would be to suggest she does this instead if moves.'

Well maybe think beyond your natural reaction to a logical one? Surely, if the OP could drive and the commute wasn't a problem she would have thought of that?

Did you really think she was going to say 'oh my goodness, yes of course I could just drive there, problem solved, I'll tell DH we don't need to move!'

Sometimes you need to think a level on from your first thought. What you don't need to do is comment on a thread where you haven't read all the OP's post. Or demand people list their medical problems/diagnoses up front.

She said they had to move. That's enough.

Crazycakelady17 · 27/05/2021 13:12

Move! Children are adaptable my DH was in the forces for 17 years and my children moved schools many many times and they adapted really well even the one with additional needs made new friends easily
It’s made them confidant young people who are very social

TableFlowerss · 27/05/2021 13:20

@NuffSaidSam

'Yes she, has because she was saying it would take a 25 minute drive, so the natural reaction would be to suggest she does this instead if moves.'

Well maybe think beyond your natural reaction to a logical one? Surely, if the OP could drive and the commute wasn't a problem she would have thought of that?

Did you really think she was going to say 'oh my goodness, yes of course I could just drive there, problem solved, I'll tell DH we don't need to move!'

Sometimes you need to think a level on from your first thought. What you don't need to do is comment on a thread where you haven't read all the OP's post. Or demand people list their medical problems/diagnoses up front.

She said they had to move. That's enough.

Ehh? What you on about? Demand they list their medical problems upfront?! 😂 what an OTT post.

If someone wants advice about something it’s best to give as much info as possible. “Driving isn’t an option because of a medical diagnosis” (it is an anonymous Internet forum after all - what do you thinks going to happen by saying that? Confused
Apart from not having every third poster suggesting she drive....)

That would saved people suggesting it.... Grin

Onesnowynight · 27/05/2021 13:21

Kids are tough little cookies we don’t give them enough credit- make the move! (Although if it was me in your position I would be doing the same as you now!)

NuffSaidSam · 27/05/2021 13:34

'That would saved people suggesting it'

Or they could read her posts. And use a bit of common sense. Both good options.

She didn't need to list the reasons why she couldn't drive/cycle/use public transport/send her son to school in a taxi/ride share/have DH take him. She said 'we have to move'. That's all you need to know to advise her on whether or not a 7 year old can cope with moving school. Imagine how long every post would be if we had to list all the things that aren't possible and why!

TableFlowerss · 27/05/2021 13:43

@NuffSaidSam

'That would saved people suggesting it'

Or they could read her posts. And use a bit of common sense. Both good options.

She didn't need to list the reasons why she couldn't drive/cycle/use public transport/send her son to school in a taxi/ride share/have DH take him. She said 'we have to move'. That's all you need to know to advise her on whether or not a 7 year old can cope with moving school. Imagine how long every post would be if we had to list all the things that aren't possible and why!

Clearly she did, because ‘keeping him at old school and driving’ was a suggestion throughout the thread!

She could have lived right beside his old school and it could have been a 5 min walk, so perhaps a 20/25 min drive would be too much for some people, so they wouldn’t see it as a long term option, so they’d prefer to move.

People are trying to help and give her all the options. So it’s not unreasonable to suggest driving...... again, had she said that isn’t an option due to xyz....then it would have saved the responses.

It’s not unreasonable to assume she couldn’t drive, therefore that wasn’t an option, so of course ‘have lessons’ would be the suggestion.

Again, the first post is the important one which should have the main info in it. It’s not up to posters to read between the lines.

Yes perhaps the could read all the posts but many people give their answer based on the initial post!!!

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