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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up my dream job for the sake of my son?

435 replies

ThornAmongstRoses · 26/05/2021 20:52

Last week my dream job was offered to me. I’ve still got to officially interview for it but I’ve pretty much been told it’s mine.

This job is something I’ve wanted for about 5 years, it’s something I’m so passionate about but I never thought it would be an option - but now it’s being given to me on a plate....it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.

The only downside is that I would have to move closer to the job, it’s not far away at all but it’s enough to mean I’d have to move my 7 year old to a different school.

I feel heartbroken at the thought of doing that to him....but on the other hand, I want this job so, so much.

I just don’t know what to do.

My husband has said I have to take the job and although it may be difficult at first, our son will adapt to a different school, but I feel so incredibly selfish for even considering doing that to him to follow my dream.

I am so torn, conflicted, confused, sad....a whole range of emotions and I just don’t know what to do.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Or could anyone just advise me? I feel like I can’t see the woods for the trees Sad

OP posts:
TheDizzyLady · 27/05/2021 08:06

I’m so annoyed at the breezy ‘he’ll be fine’ comments. You have no way in knowing that.

My parents moved house when I was 8 and I had to change schools. It was awful. No one wanted to be my friend. The other girls wouldn’t even let me sit on their table (there weren’t set places). If I did sit with them they would hardly speak to me. After weeks of struggling a kind boy said I could sit on his table, so I started doing that. But obviously I didn’t really want to be the only girl on a ‘boys’ table and they used to play football at break times so I used to spend it stood by myself. Every day. I was so unhappy and I’m still angry that no teachers noticed this at all. I don’t remember my parents ever asking if I was OK - they just probably assumed that I was. They still have no idea how unhappy I was at that time.

Eventually after about a year, I found 2 new friends. They were also new children so needed friends. I was ok after that but really it has left a lasting effect on me. It made me lose a lot of confidence in myself. I became quiet and withdrawn. Oh and 1 of my new friends had been moved 3 times because of her father’s job. She was also very shy and told me how the changes and made her unhappy and affected her confidence. He parents probably thought she was fine.

I’m now 43 and can remember all of that clearly. I know things have changed a lot since then and parents and teachers are more aware of these things. I didn’t even consider that I was being bullied, but really, that’s what it was.

However, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do it. I think that you should. Just please make sure that he really is OK.

Lalliella · 27/05/2021 08:09

Do it, definitely. My parents moved us across town when I was 9 and I changed schools. I was dreading it but it was the best thing ever, the house was nicer, I much preferred my new school, and I had 2 sets of friends. Everyone that said kids are adaptable is right. I was the shyest kid imaginable and it worked out great for me.

OccaChocca · 27/05/2021 08:09

Car share?

I'm pretty sure there is a website that people can post journeys they want to share.

Personally, I would want to do the job for a while before I move house. There is every possiblity that you hate it. You are wearing rose tinted specs at the moment.

MMMarmite · 27/05/2021 08:12

Your son won't thank you in the long term for making yourself a martyr to him. You need to consider the happiness of everyone in the family - so stop ignoring your own!

Katkinsgreyy · 27/05/2021 08:16

I would take the job.
Your son won't be at school forever. You might not ever get another opportunity at this job

BrutusMcDogface · 27/05/2021 08:19

I’m so sorry I haven’t got time to rtft but I would say, with 100% certainty: take the job! Your son will adapt. Plus you are the parent and you can tell him this is what’s happening.

KM38 · 27/05/2021 08:28

@ThornAmongstRoses I would take the job OP 😊 I completely understand the mum guilt of doing something for yourself but it’ll benefit your son hugely was grow up watching you do something that you love!

Does your DS go to any weekend activities with his friends? Football or the likes? If so could your DH commit to driving him to his club each weekend to soften the blow of leaving his friends? Chances are once he’s settled in his new school with new friends he’ll want to do whatever they’re doing so I doubt he’d go back for his old clubs for very long!

I never moved school myself but we had a lot of kids come and go through primary school and within a few weeks it was as if they’d always been there! He’ll get on great 😊

And congrats on the job opportunity Flowers

InvincibleInvisibility · 27/05/2021 08:29

Definitely take the job.

DS1 had a huge group of friends aged 7 who he'd been friends with since age 3 (14 boys who hung out together all the time and did every birthday party together when the norm here is 6 kids). They are now 9/10 and still all in the same class but have split into 4 distinct groups. They are still friendly ish on the whole but also some of the groups fight.

DS2 is 7. Last year almost all of his group of friends moved to a different school. He just made new friends amongst those who are left/new arrivers.

Shouldbedoing · 27/05/2021 08:35

A 7 Yr old would always choose the status quo but this is not his decision. If you take the job, line up a school for September and have your husband take.himw to.school.or breakfast club for the remaining weeks. Try to get him into a football club or cubs or something within the new school area so he can make acquaintances.

MrPickles73 · 27/05/2021 08:42

Due to fnckwittery from 2 schools our son (aged 7) has had to move school twice in the last two school years and twice during lockdown. Moving a 7 year old's school is really not that traumatic.
I moved country twice before the age of 8 and so went to 3 schools between the age of 4 and 8.. he'll be fine - just do it.

oneglassandpuzzled · 27/05/2021 08:44

@sbhydrogen

Can you ride a bike? 15 miles is about an hour, perfectly doable.
With respect, 30 miles a day in winter would be beyond most people.
georgarina · 27/05/2021 08:46

Just to add, I'd present it as something exciting to him.

I remember when we moved for my mum's job - it was seen as an exciting adventure! If it had been phrased differently maybe we would have felt differently.

Kokosrieksts · 27/05/2021 08:52

Your son is 7, he will easily make new friends. I wouldn’t uproot a teenager unless absolutely necessary, but in this case no harm will be done.
Look at it that way, many European countries only start school at 7 and all the nursery friends get left behind.

TheFamousMrEd · 27/05/2021 08:55

I was unusual in that I went to 6 different schools, but changing schools made me more confident and happy to speak to people in lots of different situations.

Your son will of course be sad at the idea of leaving his friends, but he’ll make lots of lovely new ones. You aren’t moving so far away that he wouldn’t be able to keep in touch either. Having different friend groups is great!

OnTheHillNotOverIt · 27/05/2021 09:03

We moved our DS when he was 8. We had planned to look at 2 new primaries but after the first visit he declared that he loved the school and didn’t need to see any more.
The new school was better (for him) than his nice old one in most ways.

One of his close friendship group from his very first school came to his secondary school. They never speak to each other. Friendships can change so much across a childhood anyway. I know some people are lifelong friends with someone they met at playgroup but for most people your best friends are made later.

If you go ahead then be positive about the move while acknowledging the goodbyes. My DD changed school at 11 and is a young adult now and is still good friends with a primary friend and that has worked out fine for them.

Tal45 · 27/05/2021 09:14

I would take him to visit the local school or schools and spend a day there before you even interview as you still have a couple of weeks, this will give you a much better idea about how he will cope. In fact I'd ring the school(s) today and see if you can organise it.

Quartz2208 · 27/05/2021 09:15

Seven year old boys are resilient (In DS class a little boy joined from Brazil knowing no English at 7) he is now as much of the group as anyone

He will adapt and understand that the move is necessary for you. Sacrificing yourself for him is teaching him something you don’t want to be taught

frazzledasarock · 27/05/2021 09:23

What school year is your son in?
Half the last academic year and most of this academic year has been spent in lockdown it shouldn’t be too difficult for your son to adjust to another school.

You can tell your DS he can invite his friends over etc to his new house.

You’ll find your DC adjust very quickly to a new environment. Currently my four year old wants to go to the same big school as her best friend at nursery. It’s not happening she’ll be fine.

Lots of kids came and left during my primary school years and also my DC’s primary school years everyone got along.

If you’re worried about how your son will settle in to a new school, once you’ve chosen a new school speak to the teachers about the best way to settle your DS in.

I wouldn’t give up a dream job and career prospects.

Are you afraid to go for your dream job for any other reason?

Ohtheplacesyougo · 27/05/2021 09:23

I’d take the job but commute for six months and learn to drive.

Without sounding like the pessimist, you may not pass probation and / or may be made redundant. 2 hours isn’t fun but it isn’t awful either.

I wouldn’t move for such a short distance.

Miller2021 · 27/05/2021 09:26

Take the job! Kids move schools all the time, don't create a situation where you resent your son (even at an unconscious level) for holding you back. You are a person too, your happiness matters.

AnotherEmma · 27/05/2021 09:28

Congratulations on the job opportunity!
It must be frustrating not to be able to drive (or rely on driving) because of your epilepsy Flowers
I agree with the vast majority that you should take the job if offered it, and move house - ideally by September so DS can start his new school then.
Do you own or rent your house? If you own and will be selling, that won't be quick, so you will need an interim solution for getting to work. It would also make sense to give the new job a month or so to be sure you love it (even though you're confident) before you move.

Look into lift sharing or community transport schemes. I know public transport won't be practical but it might be worth getting a disabled person's bus pass and railcard, as you're entitled to them. In the short term, maybe you could get a lift or taxi one way, and public transport to go home (just until you are able to move). If transport really is impossible, perhaps you could look into renting a room near work during the week, as a temporary measure.

HerMammy · 27/05/2021 09:30

Can ppl RTFT or at least OPs posts & stop saying learn to drive!!

HappydaysArehere · 27/05/2021 09:30

Move him as said above children are adaptable at that age. In fact we moved house when the children were about that age simply because it seemed the best time for them. It won’t be long before it is time for secondary school but long enough to make new friends.

Branleuse · 27/05/2021 09:36

age 7 is not a bad time to move tbh. If he were halfway through secondary it would be different, but youd be mad to turn down this opportunity for the sake of keeping a 7 year old at a mediocre primary school

TableFlowerss · 27/05/2021 09:36

It’s not the other posters job to make sure that OP hasn’t missed a vital piece of info in their initial post.... drip feeding is not ideal!

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