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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really unfair (maternity leave related)?

176 replies

Blyatiful · 26/05/2021 18:27

DH has a colleague who is on parental leave for eight months. He and his wife had a baby via a surrogate outside of U.K. Because his wife doesn’t work (she is an “artist” and sells the odd painting) he is taking all of the parental leave on full pay. If his wife had given birth, he would have qualified for a few weeks paternity leave, but as they outsourced the birth, the employer is treating it as adoption leave, and as his wife doesn’t work, he is being treated as the main parent.

I want to think, good on him, but my horrible side is taking over and I think it’s quite unfair (and don’t get me started on the ethics of surrogacy, which may also be skewing my views).

OP posts:
juneybean · 26/05/2021 18:28

It is adoption?? I'm not sure what your issue is. Adoption for the lead adopter should match maternity leave.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/05/2021 18:30

I share concern over surrogacy, but if you take that out of the equation I think the “unfairness” here is that his employer wouldn’t let him take this leave if his partner had borne the child.

Original poster
Blyatiful · 26/05/2021 18:30

It’s not adoption though, as it is genetically their child.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/05/2021 18:31

Surrogacy ethics aside, who is it unfair on?

topwings · 26/05/2021 18:31

Something is only unfair if other people aren't treated similarly - unless I'm reading this wrong, the couple are getting one set of parental leave so the same as any other couple that become parents. I don't see the unfairness.

Would you object to adoption leave being granted in the same way or is it just because you don't agree with surrogacy?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/05/2021 18:32

Sounds lovely for them.

A new baby and lots of family time together with no financial worries.

You are being very unfair and unkind about them.

Them having less wouldn't mean that you get more, it sounds like you just want to see him suffer.

PotteringAlong · 26/05/2021 18:33

If his wife had given birth, he would have qualified for a few weeks paternity leave

No, if his wife had given birth he would have qualified for shared parental leave, just the same as he is taking now.

Original poster
Blyatiful · 26/05/2021 18:33

I think my feeling of unfairness is that if his non-working wife had had the baby, he wouldn’t have been given more than two weeks paternity leave.

OP posts:
ChicChaos · 26/05/2021 18:33

Why wouldn't he have qualified for shared parental leave OP?

ChicChaos · 26/05/2021 18:34

Cross post with Pottering there!

Sometimesfraught82 · 26/05/2021 18:34

* my horrible side*

Yes. Agreed. You said it.

PotteringAlong · 26/05/2021 18:34

@Blyatiful of course he would! He would have qualified for shared parental leave, the same as everyone else!

Original poster
Blyatiful · 26/05/2021 18:35

@PotteringAlong ah OK! But I thought both parents needed to be employed for shared parental leave.

I’m not being nasty, it just feels a bit off to me.

OP posts:
misspattylacosta · 26/05/2021 18:35

I am confused what you find unfair.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 26/05/2021 18:35

@Blyatiful

I think my feeling of unfairness is that if his non-working wife had had the baby, he wouldn’t have been given more than two weeks paternity leave.
But she didn't, and he has taken the time off that he is entitled to.

I think your feelings about this couple are skewing your view here.

sammylady37 · 26/05/2021 18:35

My god, you are being so thoroughly unpleasant about them.

PotteringAlong · 26/05/2021 18:35

Also, being an artist and selling paintings means she does work. Granted she’s not spending 12 hours down the pit but it doesn’t mean it’s not a job.

Travis1 · 26/05/2021 18:35

This reply has been deleted

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Pissoi · 26/05/2021 18:36

You are talking bollocks, he can take paid parental leave whether his wife gives birth or not. You just sound petty and jealous Biscuit

RattlesnakesUnfold · 26/05/2021 18:36

They’ve used a surrogate (to have a baby that’s genetically theirs) presumably as a last resort. It’s much cheaper abroad and surrogates don’t have the same right to change their mind and keep the baby; it’s treated as a profession in some countries.

I think you’re being really mean to say he shouldn’t get the paid for adoption leave! The baby is genetically theirs but she didn’t go through pregnancy or birth so it’s an adoption rather than maternity leave.

DeusEx · 26/05/2021 18:36

@Blyatiful

I think my feeling of unfairness is that if his non-working wife had had the baby, he wouldn’t have been given more than two weeks paternity leave.
Not necessarily - if his employer does shared parental leave he could still have taken a substantial period.

My husband is not currently working at the moment. I am due to give birth in august. We’ll both therefore be around for the full period of parental leave - he’ll get the same nine ish months off that I’m taking. It’s the same thing really?

Taliskerskye · 26/05/2021 18:36

Eh? Shared parental leave.
You sound bitter. Like those old ladies who say you should put up with being abused because it’s still not as bad as when they were

Babysharkdododont · 26/05/2021 18:36

You're being mean. It has no impact on you, you haven't lost out, mind your own.

VeganCheesePlease · 26/05/2021 18:36

I don't get what you're so annoyed about. You sound a bit bitter. She's an 'artist' and he looks after them financially, good for them. None of us here know why they chose surrogacy and I think it's nice he's taking the leave if he can get it to be with his family and no doubt do his fair share with the baby. If anything there are more posts on here about men not pulling their weight because they've gone back to work because they can't get longer leave.

DeusEx · 26/05/2021 18:37

And it’s amazing that his employer is giving him so much adoption leave - that’s incredible.