To think this is really unfair (maternity leave related)?

[Blyatiful]

DH has a colleague who is on parental leave for eight months. He and his wife had a baby via a surrogate outside of U.K. Because his wife doesn’t work (she is an “artist” and sells the odd painting) he is taking all of the parental leave on full pay. If his wife had given birth, he would have qualified for a few weeks paternity leave, but as they outsourced the birth, the employer is treating it as adoption leave, and as his wife doesn’t work, he is being treated as the main parent.

I want to think, good on him, but my horrible side is taking over and I think it’s quite unfair (and don’t get me started on the ethics of surrogacy, which may also be skewing my views).

I think you should stick to the professional side of things. Is it affecting your workload or role? If so, then you need to set that out clearly to your manager. If not, then crack on with your career. I would imagine this situation is extremely rare, so it is unlikely to open the floodgates at your workplace.

Are you saying he will get 8 months of leave on full pay?

@Blyatiful

I think my feeling of unfairness is that if his non-working wife had had the baby, he wouldn’t have been given more than two weeks paternity leave.

But again, could you tell us who it's unfair on?

I’m neither petty nor jealous! But thank you for explaining. And I don’t know the couple at all really - met him briefly once.

I’m perfectly prepared to accept that I am being unreasonable. Thank you.

Hurray for an AIBU reader accepting the consensus :) ;)

Please let’s now all avoid a pile on after the OP has done so...😬

Jealous much?

It's none of your business. Maybe just be happy for them and their new child.

It seems unfair if the fathers of other babies whose wives happen to not work wouldn't get the same time off. I think if you don't work and are having a child then your DH should be entitled to the same.
It's obviously not actually an adoption. The employer probably thinks they are being generous though.

So, to be clear, you're upset because someone with a penis is getting to benefit from something that you think is only designed to help people with vaginas? I also highly doubt it's on full pay

Many good workplaces bend over backwards to make parental leave as long as possible. Giving adoption leave for a surrogacy is just one way. I know men and women who were given adoption leave when their non-working partner gave birth to their baby because their company’s parental leave was so bad people were forced to resign. Managers would just sign it off.

@WorraLiberty I guess my thought was that men whose wives don’t work, or who work freelance, wouldn’t have the opportunity to take this much leave in full pay. But if, as people are saying, they would get that on shared parental leave, then that’s fine and I accept that I am wrong and unreasonable.

But again, could you tell us who it's unfair on?

Well obviously it's unfair on all other male employees who don't get as much paid time off! Why should there be a financial advantage to having a child via a surrogate? Can't believe anyone thinks it's fair to be honest

Fair enough OP

His employer is correct in legal terms, parents who have a baby by surrogacy are entitled to adoption leave or paternity leave. For babies born in the UK, the surrogate is entitled to maternity leave in the same way as if she had a child of her own.

The mother would have to be employed for the father to get SPL wouldn’t they? www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay/eligibility-for-birth-parents

And there’s no requirement to pay SPL at the same level as maternity pay if the employer chooses to pay more than statutory maternity leave.

So, if it was a same sex couple having a child via surrogacy which do you think should qualify? In surrogacy & adoption parents can choose which qualifies for the 'primary parent' benefits (mat leave/pay)

How is this maternity leave related?

@DeusEx thank you. It has been very helpful to see the other side. Not jealous, just a bit bemused by it. Didn’t have my kids in U.K. and benefited from generous maternity provision, so no axe to grind.

But if, as people are saying, they would get that on shared parental leave, then that’s fine and I accept that I am wrong and unreasonable.

They wouldn't. Shared parental leave only applies if the mother is entitled to maternity leave. She has to donate some of her mat leave to her partner. If she doesn't work then her partner can't share her leave

So, to be clear, you're upset because someone with a penis is getting to benefit from something that you think is only designed to help people with vaginas? I also highly doubt it's on full pay

I think the issue is that all fathers are not getting the same. Not that it should only be for mothers.

What a lovely ageist, sexist post @maybemu

His taking paternity leave isn’t depriving you of anything so why do you care?

Oh wait, it’s because you clearly don’t like this couple (it’s obvious from your use of “artist” - but what else do you call someone who sells their paintings?).

Grow up.

@maybemu “middle aged women” - ageist, much?

@SnackSizeRaisin yes, that was my point exactly. All fathers are not getting the same, not at all that it should only be for motherS.

I'd be more outraged that they have treated a woman's uterus as a commodity tbh. It's up to the employer whether to offer an enhanced package and I think it's fantastic they offer more than the statutory minimum.

Have a baby if you want mat leave.

@Hopdathelf I have said I don’t know the couple. DH told me and I thought it seemed odd. I accept that I am wrong.