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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend has just blocked me,aibu to think I've done nothing wrong?

323 replies

louisabb · 26/05/2021 17:10

I don't understand when my friend has outbursts like this.
Friday we had organised to meet up for a look around the shops and I said lunch.
Lately she's been saying she has no appetite and likes nibbly food.
So I found 3 places and sent her the menu and asked if she liked the look of them.
She said "it's only Wednesday,I'm not deciding yet"
Then said "actually I just want to get a sandwich"
I said "oh no worries,I'm fancying more a hot meal so how about we find a nice pub that does sandwiches plus a choice of meals"
No reply.
Then a hour later she rang me angry
"I don't like to plan anything,I've got no interest in food "
I said "ok well why did you organise it with me"
She said "oh there you go blaming me"
I said "I'm not sure what the problem is,I was just trying to find somewhere you liked"
She replied "I like nowhere"
I said "sorry I'm a bit confused,do you want to cancel Friday ?"
She said "oh blaming me for wanting to cancel(she swore ) hung up and blocked me on WhatsApp

What did I do?

OP posts:

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/05/2021 19:46

@CharlotteRose90

Yeah sorry I’m with her. She wanted the shops you pushed food on her. My appetites gone at the minute due to being ill and i wouldn’t like a friend to be pushing for food. You need to respect what she asks.

See - now this wouldn't bother me.

I would be quite happy to go for food and just have a bag of crisps while a friend had a meal if they were hungry and I wasn't.

aliensprig · 26/05/2021 19:46

I feel sorry for her. She's obviously got mental health problems, anxiety or depression and it's manifesting as indecision / pickiness. I think you should just leave it for now and let her know (if she unblocks) that you're there if she wants to get anything off her chest.

comedycentral · 26/05/2021 19:49

Your 'friend' is gaslighting you. She needs to deal with her problems not take them out on you. You did nothing wrong. She did you a favour blocking you.

PandemicAtTheDisco · 26/05/2021 19:52

I live in a town. I once in a while go shopping in 'The Big City' and it's a planned all day affair. We plan what we'll eat, where and when. My health doesn't allow too much at the moment so it's not happened for a few years.

I can go to town for only a few hours and not eat or use public toilets (Are any even open these days?). Any longer then pre covid we would grab a drink and light snack and use public conveniences. I don't shop too long with people that won't have a sit down and rest break because my health doesn't allow it. I get hangry too.

One friend refuses to eat or drink out as she has food issues. She won't have packed lunches but might have a packet of biscuits, crisps or can/bottle of drink. She won't eat in a cafe, restaurant etc. She won't sit with me and eat a bag of crisps and drink a can/bottle from the eatery because unless it's the brand and flavours she likes then it won't be acceptable. She won't sit patiently with nothing while I eat and drink and it makes me feel rushed. She also won't bring or buy a drink or a snack sometimes when she has said she will. She has gone all day eating and drinking nothing.

I don't want to eat and drink whilst standing up. I need seating and toilet facilities. My friend with the food issues loves shopping in the city but no one will entertain her anymore so she goes alone. I will go to town for short visits only with her. She understand this and we try to accommodate both our needs.

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2021 19:52

@comedycentral

Your 'friend' is gaslighting you. She needs to deal with her problems not take them out on you. You did nothing wrong. She did you a favour blocking you.

This really isn’t gaslighting.

anuvamotherhood · 26/05/2021 19:54

She clearly has a eating disorder and doesn't want you pressuring her about food. I'm the same and have ED.

NiceGerbil · 26/05/2021 19:58

Well she's lost 3 stone which is amazing and presumably she's had to change quite a lot to do that and doesn't want to be tempted to go back. Going to a sit down meal in a restaurant is risky from that pov!

Sending her 3 menus when she's doing her best to diet is possibly not that helpful!

I'm with her. Why not just go shopping and see what happens. She hinted very very strongly that she didn't want a meal but you kept at it.
You're probably both better off out if it tbh.

DeciduousPerennial · 26/05/2021 20:00

Oh, life’s too short for this shit. Balls to her.

It’s different if she explains what’s going on, but she suggests things, then berates you for trying to make her happy. Bugger her.

pictish · 26/05/2021 20:01

To add...I’d be open to a frank apology though.

From another perspective...three menus on a Wednesday for a casual trip round the shops on Saturday is a bit keen. A Wednesday can be a slog, decision making for the weekend may be an ask too far.

I still wouldn’t call my friend all pissed off and carry on like that though. She’s rude.

TheNoodlesIncident · 26/05/2021 20:02

Well, it doesn't sound like she brings much joy to your life, and I know I couldn't stick someone treating me like that. Whatever is going on in her mind, she's treating you very badly. In your position, I'd block her myself and get on with life with my other friends. We all experience adversity in life, but best policy is seeking help where possible but not unleashing vitriol on your friends and family. She might well have mental health issues, but you're not her doctor or therapist, it's not your problem to fix.

I hope you wouldn't allow a boyfriend/partner to treat you like this either.

Maddison12 · 26/05/2021 20:05

[quote louisabb]@SkodaKodiaq ah I'm in the north east near Newcastle [/quote]
No way, so am I

YANBU

Ignore the silly 'you shouldn't have pushed food on her' posts.

The repetitive 'I've got no interest in food' is just I'm so slim attention seeking bullshit. DO NOT indulge.

Also you've got plans with her then she says I'm staying in bed?? As soon as she unblocks you, block her. Too much drama, she sounds like a 14 year old.

LindaEllen · 26/05/2021 20:08

That's how I used to act when I had an eating disorder. If she was previously a close friend, I'd find a way of reaching out and checking she's okay.

RattlesnakesUnfold · 26/05/2021 20:09

Sounds like you made it all about lunch (sending her menus etc) and she just wanted to browse the shops and maybe not commit to eating at all.

Could she be depressed or have an eating disorder? Or have a health problem that makes it hard for her to eat or feel sick around food? Could she be pregnant and nauseous and unable to plan eating out, especially in a pub with smelly hot food?

ChaToilLeam · 26/05/2021 20:12

She sounds like she has food issues.

She also sounds extremely rude and hard to please.

Unless a massive apology was forthcoming, I wouldn’t bother with her again.

Original poster

louisabb · 26/05/2021 20:15

I didn't make it all about food.
The plan was shopping and nibbles (picky small plates,chips,chicken wings ) a sharing board etc
It wasn't a "you must pick a food place right this second"
It was literally a casual "oh these look nice don't they,so much choice ,we are spoilt for choice"

It isn't just food.
She never wants to do anything.
I could say walk and a cuppa and she wouldn't be bothered.
She doesn't work so isn't stressed
She has no kids ,no partner
It's just her.
So it's not family life dragging her down

OP posts:

Jolie12345 · 26/05/2021 20:15

She sounds like a selfish, immature tool. She doesn’t like to plan, you do. Sounds like it’s her way or no way. Even if you were partly to blame that’s no way to react. A grown up would be able to calmly explain the issue. Sack her off.

comedycentral · 26/05/2021 20:20

I really think it is. Not just the recent episode with her friend. The behaviour when she doesn't invite her out and the behaviour when she does. She makes the OP feel guilty for her actions, puts her in a position where she can't win.

gahhhh · 26/05/2021 20:26

She's lost 3 stone and says a size 10 looks big?

She has no work and no family, lives on her on, sometimes doesn't get up?

flippertygibbit · 26/05/2021 20:26

Personally if this was my friend and it was exactly as you described I'd be worried. There's obviously something far wrong with her and sounds like she needs help.

anuvamotherhood · 26/05/2021 20:30

In that case I'd think there's something mentally wrong. If she's not getting up and doesn't have anything to do all day and doesn't feel like going out/eating etc... I would seriously check shes okay.

gahhhh · 26/05/2021 20:30

@flippertygibbit

Personally if this was my friend and it was exactly as you described I'd be worried. There's obviously something far wrong with her and sounds like she needs help.

This

NativityDreaming · 26/05/2021 20:32

I think she sounds mentally unwell. I hope she can get the help she needs.

HappySwordMaker · 26/05/2021 20:35

I can’t see that you’ve done anything wrong and I don’t understand the posters who are suggesting this might be your fault. Your friend sounds like hard work and very uptight about life. Unless she is a good friend who you care a lot about, I’d move on from the friendship. If you don’t want the friendship to end, you could give her some time and then reconnect and try to find out what’s going on in her life, sounds to me like depression (the last minute cancelling of plans etc) or def issues around food.

FaceAcher · 26/05/2021 20:36

You're both in the wrong.

Shopping doesn't always need to mean eating/drinking out too. So I get annoyed sometimes that I could lose an hour of browsing +£20 on a lunch I don't need. I'd rather have the money and the time than the food.

But I feel neither of you has spoken honestly with the other about what you want.

Just doesn't sound like the friendship is working in all honesty.

LJenn · 26/05/2021 20:39

@louisabb

I didn't make it all about food. The plan was shopping and nibbles (picky small plates,chips,chicken wings ) a sharing board etc It wasn't a "you must pick a food place right this second" It was literally a casual "oh these look nice don't they,so much choice ,we are spoilt for choice"

Either she's got an eating disorder and didn't want to make it obvious by NOT eating in front of you.. OR (just going on what you said OP, that she's not bothered about anything you suggest)... Or maybe she's just being an arse & looking for a way out. Blocking you for a "disagreement" over a meet-up??? I get she might be going though something but there's just no need to be that petty. I'd just let her on OP. Be there for her if she comes to you, but I personally wouldn't go chasing her.

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