To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

Work part-time or set up your own business from home?

Erm I was replying to the point made about teaching social skills

You were replying with judgmental insulting bollocks and you know it, as you did it on purpose.

@MildredPuppy

I think its better now. My nan worked as an out of hours cleaner in a factory. Long shifts. had 5 children plus two who died in infancy due to infectious diseases. Couldnt access contraception without her husbands permission. Couldnt get a better job as she grew up when girls education wasnt a priority, it was legal to have different rates of pay for men and women, no mat leave. It was hard to provide for you family if the man was a injured or died for instance. There wasnt good quality nurseries to turn to - really only the very wealthy had quality childcare. There wasnt online deliveries and she washed clothes by hand and had a mangle. It sounds truly shit compared to now.

This is our experience, too. We had the choice. Our grandparents didn't. They were born in the early 1900s, so the welfare state was yet to be created. My granny noted when I was still in my teens that parenthood was so much easier (late 1980s) "because there are facilities and gadgets now....". She was referring to washing machines and dishwashers, amongst other things. Those are such labour-saving devices compared to the manual options.

Also, see the detriment to your salary as paying to keep your hand in. If you leave a role you might not get back in at the same salary or at all.

Why don't you work in the evenings or weekends x

Find another way of earning £350 a month? Get an evening job three/four nights a week?

I think £350 a month after childcare is quite a lot tbh. Don’t most parents assume that during the first couple of years their take home will be less? I know we did. If surviving on one salary truly isn’t doable then fine, but if it is and you just ‘need’ that buffer of £350 then again, that’s a choice.

@Owlina

YANBU.

Two parents shouldn't have to work. Life is too expensive. It's shit.

Ummm what about those of us who WANT to work? Should we be chained to the 1950s kitchen sink?

@SocialAffairsAndWoodlandFolk

Women have always worked. That isn't a modern thing. What is a modern thing is for women to be able to achieve financial independence in well paid, respected, professional roles. There aren't any sunlit uplands to hark back to.

That aside, I'm sorry you feel this way but you aren't paying someone to raise your son, you're paying someone to look after him for a few hours a day. You're his mum. He'll be raised by his parents.

Exactly this. Mothers have worked throughout history, apart from the extremely wealthy. The idea of the SAHM devoting all her time to her child away from the workplace is very recent. And, it turns out, very temporary. Most women have always worked and raised their children.

OP any chance of a flexible working request that gives you some income but some time with your child? Compacted hours where you do 5 days worth of hours in 4 longer days or 4 days in 3 etc.

As your child grows up you may want to investigate some days of school hours so that you can still do pickups at school. I feel doing this at least once a week makes a big difference to the children as this is when play dates get arranged and friendships entrench. I recommend all parents try to get these into their work life if they can. I failed to do this and it impacted on my children.

Alternatively given that your salary will currently only bring in £350 per month then consider an evening/weekend job. You can enjoy days at home with baby and your partner can also have some quality alone time with the child whilst you earn some money but with no childcare costs. The jobs suitable for this are not likely to be as 'careery' but they may fill a financial gap at the moment.

Some of that will depend on how far you are in a particular career route at the moment and how much you enjoy it.

I think a balance of some work time and enough time to enjoy being with your child may help soften the blow of going back to work. I know I also felt envious of SAHM when I went back to work despite loving my job.

My children are now older and do feel that they missed out on time with me, and I think being there after school would have benefited them. I feel bad about that as you can't go back and change things. I can only try to support my team members when they have similar hard decisions to make.

@barelycoping1 you can’t work from home and look after your children properly- they need proper interaction, not being left in front of a screen while you’re working on a laptop. That’s not good parenting and they would be far better off in nursery with a varied and stimulating day.

I’m sorry you want to be a SAHM and can’t afford to be; could you look at relocating to a cheaper part of the country/downsizing/selling your car if you have one or cutting your bills in other ways?

Life most certainly wasn’t better years ago- no choice for most women to work or not, husband expecting sex on demand and you just had to go along with it, higher infant mortality, no domestic appliances to keep housework minimal and far fewer options. I wouldn’t want to go back to that in a million years.

Would cutting your hours be an option, so you could go down to P/T work and only have DC in nursery 3 days a week etc? Please don’t let your negative feelings put you off nursery- largely they’re excellent and if your DC pick up a vibe from you that you don’t want them to go they’ll get upset.

YABU

The difference in modern times is that middle-class women now work.

i worked all through both of my two children when they were babies from 6 months upward.
My entire salary was taken by nursery fees, literally nothing left over.
I hated it and felt like i was missing out on my children's childhood.
I am glad I did tho because my ex husband left me when my children were 4 and 5 and we would have had to massively massively downsize if i had not been earning.

I did feel like you OP whilst my children were small.
I do think it is in many ways much harder for mums now-a-days in the context of expectations of what mums should be doing day in day out not just "being a mum" but house work, earning money, contributing to the community etc.
The fault lies with the culture of 2021 UK society. There is a very strong media lie that being a mum is some kind of ultimate end goal which all women must and should aspire to, and that once they get there it is all glamour and roses. I think this message has got much louder in the last decade or two, at the same time that expectations on women have ramped up and men have (not always but increasingly) become more and more likely not to commit to having a family (or at least not in the traditional sense).

It's definitley crappy in some ways and wrong that women don't have a choice, and when they work tend to end up with all the domestic stuff as well.

I think we do have to remember there was never a golden age when mums spent all their time with their kids either though and that the child-centredness we have is a relatively modern thing. Until really quite recently looking after the house was seen as more important for mothers than spending time with your kids - babies were coralled in playpens and older ones sent out with one another while mum was busy with work or house. Poor mums often had to work, the well off were expected to farm out childcare to someone else even though they were at home, and those in the middle were spending all day focusing on that all-important well-kept home.

@leftout1 you clearly know nothing about the scheme. I suggest you read up on why so many nurseries and childminders are going out of business as it has been well publicised in the last 2 years.

I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it.

You lost me at this comment tbh........

As a f/t working parent I find these types of comments incredibly insulting not to mention completely incorrect.

@Bubblebu one of the end goals of that is a falling birth rate.

Oh barelycoping I feel exactly the same way, a hamster wheel of work/childcare/chores with not quite enough time to really be thorough with anything, or enjoy or plan things.
I am hoping it gets easier at some point!

OP - just a reminder that it's not just the £350. Most importantly it's your pension - and we have entire generations of women getting f**k all in retirement because they were SAHM and eventually got divorced. It's also affecting all your future earnings. So it's a lot more than just £350.

My granny had to pop out kids (4 in 4 years) had to hand wash all nappies, cook evertyhing from scratch and try and make money on the side by having a bunny farm whilst my grandad was working long hours. It wasn't all peachy back then... She was so so unhappy and when she found out she was pregnant with the fourth she even tried her best to miscarry.

My own mum was a SAHM and has been wanting to leave my dad for years (and vice versa) but has no money of her own, no pension saved up etc so is stuck. Again, I wouldn't want that.

Basically - mind your rose tinted glasses and things aren't as bad as you may think

How many more hours does your DH work?

If you get home at 5pm, and he gets in at 7pm every night, presumably you're doing childcare and chores between 5 and 7?

So you're equal after that. The moment he gets in, everything should be 50:50, and also at weekends. If he says "but I've just got in, give me a few minutes to put my feet up"... you can say "i've worked the exact same hours as you today, and I've just finished work too. I need a few minutes to put my feet up."

t's definitley crappy in some ways and wrong that women don't have a choice, and when they work tend to end up with all the domestic stuff as well

They do have a choice though. They've had any number of choices that led them to where they are. Adn if they end up doing all the drudge as well, thats due to their choice to have had kids with a man who doesn't do his share, and/or to put up with that. Their choice.

I made different choices, as do many.

(Sorry, should have said I randomly picked on 5pm and 7pm. No idea if that's what OP and her DH do.)

How is earning £350 a month now going to help OP when her child goes to school and she's lost her recent work experience in full time employment? Is this magic £350 a month job going to transform into a proper career at just the right time?

Plus this claim of lack of "quality time"... what on earth gives you the idea that anything other than a tiny percentage of women throughout (even recent) history have had much quality time in their daily lives? (Men yes, but that is a separate issue that has been touched on by others, and you are comparing yourself to other imaginary women rather than your partner!)

Sometimes I feel like people like OP will be the first complaining in a few years when they can't get back into the workplace and can't afford to go on holiday etc.

I used to work full time Monday to Friday, and was in the same boat as you! Was literally £300 difference between working full time and paying nursery, or me staying at home and not working. In the end I got myself a job working of an evening on a weekend in a retail style job. Definitely not as glamorous as before, but it means I get to spend time with my kids, and I don't miss out on much time as they are usually going to bed when Ieave xx