To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

I hated working when my kids were small - pre school. Felt like I was missing out on so much. I had a nanny as I had three kids in less than three years and nursery wasn’t doable. I felt like she was living my life - driving my car, spending all day in my house, raising my babies. I loved her to bits and wouldn’t have left my kids with anyone else but it was still tough.
I gave up work, was so so so happy. We moved away to ‘somewhere cheaper’, I then found out my husband was cheating on a scale that is just TMI for this thread. We separated, he cut off financial support. I ended up with three kids and on universal credit, living somewhere with very little work available. Didn’t matter how much cheap housing was available, there was no work!! Boy did I regret giving up my career and moving ‘somewhere cheaper’!!! Looking at my friends who kept working and kept their independence and wondering why I made what felt like the wrong choice. By the time my kids were all in school I wanted to work. Only doing the school run, washing and cooking felt like such a drag :/
It’s awful for you now and I understand why you hate leaving your little boy, but don’t give up your independence, you never know if you’re going to need it one day...
Explore part time, even four days a week will give you a day to just spend with your baby. When he is three it will cost less for childcare as he gets free hours at nursery / pre school and then at four he’ll be at school. So keep that in mind, it will get easier, especially if you are only having one child.
Try to find the middle ground.

Yes so whilst you aren't there your child is raised by nursery workers, who are teaching social values because you aren't able for those hours.
They are in loco parentis, parents to your child whilst parents work.
Parents just need to try to uphold the values they hope that nursery have taught. Whilst also hoping they are in accordance with how you'd like your child raised in your absence.
Some people don't mind this, but others wouldn't go near with a barge pole, we are all different.

What an absurd comment. Nursery workers are not in a parental role any more than teachers at school are. You don't have to spend every second of the day with your child to be their parent or raise them properly. Your comment is so offensive. If you really want to be in the 1950s then get off mumsnet and put your effort into inventing a time machine but stop subjecting the rest of us to this bullshit please.

Part time work?
Downsize?
Move to a cheaper area?
Get a job in a nursery and take son with you? Childmind at home to generate more income and company for DS?

It might just be me but I see the massively reduced chance of dying in childbirth as being a bit of a win.

Do you have a job/ career that it would be easy to go back into if you had to? Consider what you would do in the event of death, divorce or disability (or redundancy). My DH has a long term debilitating illness and may never work again. Initially, before his illness, we both went part-time and split childcare and earning and used some nursery time too (could you both consider that?) When DH got ill, and eventually was made redundant, I could increase my hours. If I hadn’t kept my work going, it would have been so much harder to return to my career from being a SAHM. So consider very carefully what would happen in a disaster situation. Also think about your pension situation too and what you might end up on if you stop work.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

You get 30 free hours of child care a week! What do you want, the moon on stick? Good luck getting that elsewhere leftout1 then you nothing about the provisions on the continent

👏👏👏

That's why we need universal basic income.

OP I was feeling like this too. Homeschooling and working fulltime from home nearly killed me. Hubby and I reviewed our finances (both working ft him 40+ hour weeks), I reduced my hours by 1 hour a day, cleaning done together on a thursday night then a glass of wine and a chat. It has made a huge difference to my family life and marriage. Both need to make sacrifices we share all chores weekends are more free.
Also my mum once said dont stress the mess it will still be there after the kids are in bed. You will get so much more reward from them time and me time!!

It does sound crappy that you can’t find a balance, it’s very difficult to do this.

Some tips that may or may not work for you are:

Could you try cut costs elsewhere so you can work less? I started looking up ‘miniamilism parenting’ on YouTube - it’s a bit middle class hippyish but honestly it’s changed my life. Not only have I cut costs but I don’t seem to have a messy house anymore.

Could you send your child to a child minder instead of nursery? It’s cheaper. Also au pairs tend to be cheaper (but they also tend to be quite young).

Life admin is the absolute worst but I do try to send emails/ set up payments when I’m waiting in line for something, watching tv, or having a tea in the morning. Also, check out the ‘minimalist mom’ for life admin tips(sorry very obsessed with minimalism lately)

Delete or minimise social media to make more time

So true about romantising parenting in the 70s, my mother stayed at home, she deeply regrets not having work or education experience. She became quite isolated and lost touch with friends who did work. On top of that my siblings and I took advantage of her because we knew she was always there. Our dad would get all the evening cuddles, and the fun, OTT playtime after he came home while my mother slaved away all day and had hardly any time/ energy to play with us.

I DO think modern life is sh*t for women and particularly mums, because the true nature of life post kids is pretty carefully hidden when you are in a position to make decisions that might it easier later.

And when women do speak up about the impossible load of doing.all.the.things without much support, plus working, plus keeping the required pleasant nature and hot bod, they are talked over, treated as if it is so easy to fix, gaslit.

I don't think life has ever been easy but currently when you look at whether women are benefiting from all the advantages of modern life it is 'D- Must Do Better' '

I laughed out loud when I read this🤣. How true this is, I don't have kids but I have elderly relatives that I do life admin for as they have no internet etc, sort out bills, etc and other things. I'm also a club treasurer which can be time consuming - more admin. Oh and a full time managerial job too. I would love DD for all of the above too

The job doesn't count and neither does the volunteer role as well you know.

And I've done admin for an elderly relative (my dad) and I DID put everything onto DD except for one bill as I didn't have time to bother before he died. The only bit I would say was a bit stressful was dealing with probate, but that's a bit different from "life admin".

@SilenceIsNotAvailable

Yes so whilst you aren't there your child is raised by nursery workers, who are teaching social values because you aren't able for those hours. They are in loco parentis, parents to your child whilst parents work. Parents just need to try to uphold the values they hope that nursery have taught. Whilst also hoping they are in accordance with how you'd like your child raised in your absence. Some people don't mind this, but others wouldn't go near with a barge pole, we are all different.

What an absurd comment. Nursery workers are not in a parental role any more than teachers at school are. You don't have to spend every second of the day with your child to be their parent or raise them properly. Your comment is so offensive. If you really want to be in the 1950s then get off mumsnet and put your effort into inventing a time machine but stop subjecting the rest of us to this bullshit please.

I genuinely can’t see what’s so offensive?

Oh just saw someone mentioned shift work, this could work? 3-4 long shifts, maybe some weekends. Look at support work(private pays better), special needs jobs, working- from -home type jobs could work also.

9-5 jobs suck, it gives you no time for anything else.

Is re education possible?
Some courses have pay incentives.
Birkbeck and Open university have flexible learning available.

Also would you consider nannying, childminding and taking your child with you?

30 years ago this was me. I had my daughter with a childminder and dropped my son at full time nursery while I went to work to help towards mortgage and bills. I had no choice. The cost of childcare was more than half my monthly salary and I resented it massively. When I stopped paying childcare I still had my job and as I wasn’t paying childcare it was like a massive pay rise. An insurance policy if you like. My career hadn’t stalled and I’d had a couple of promotions.
My children grew up happy, well adjusted teenagers and then adults. We had a great life because we had the money to give them everything we wished for them. The both got firsts at Uni with no debts.
They are now 32 and 34. We retired early because I was working for years our pensions allowed us to do so.
Now we look after our grandson 3 days a week while our daughter works full time. She wants the same life for him that she had.

It makes me so proud that she feels like that because I felt just like you do right now. Big hugs 💕

Her child is 1...you don't get that until 3 and maternity leave ends after a year (and paid maternity leave after 9months) so at least 2 years in between where mum's have to sacrifice either their wage or time with their kids.
Yes othe countries have it worse....some also have it better!

Why don’t you meet in the middle and work part time, so you can earn a bit, pay less childcare and spend more time being a mum? Xx

I totally agree with you. In fact I was listening to something g the other day where they were arguing that the 40 hour week is no longer compatible with life today. It was designed at a time when only the man went out to work. These days with both people work, there is actually no time for all the stuff that traditionally the woman did. So the argument was that both should work 30 hour weeks and then pick up all the crap that we as women are expected to do on top of our 40 hour working week. My kids are 11 and 13 now but feel very blessed to have been able to stay at home to bring up my kids. Money was tight for a while but when we bought our place we made sure we didn’t overstretch ourselves so that it could always be paid with one mortgage. When my daughter was a year old, I did some freelance work for a while but it didn’t really work out - I was working from the spare room and the babysitter we found was useless (mother in law was also unable to manage). After my son was born, I went back to work when he was a year old - not in my career but as a home carer - working every weekend morning to night. It put about £850 a month into our pockets and while it was hard, I got the weekdays with the kids and my husband got the weekends and it was actually great for him to have that responsibility and one to one time. Since the kids went to school I built up my freelance career, stopped the care work and now have a fairly successful consultancy which I still fit around school hours. I think what I’m saying is, it’s not easy and money was tight for a few years and holidays weren’t as extravagant as they are now and we didn’t really save money. But I can’t buy that time back with the kids so if you can think outside the box and maybe take a weekend job or work around your husbands hours, then you might be able to figure something out.

@PoppysMummy2021

Sounds like a sob story.

Just because your husband is SEN doesn’t mean he can’t get a higher paid job. You have to think what do you value? Money that brings financial freedom or job happiness? You could night classes or online learning to get a degree and get a better job

Hold on I never said he couldn't get a better paid job because of his SEN. I mentioned his SEN because that is why I take on the mental load of everything, not in context of his job. The job he does isn't very well paid but he loves it, it is where his heart is and what makes him happy. And yeah maybe it is a bit of a sob story considering I said in my post that I am mentally and physically knackered, but go ahead and kick a girl while she is down. Although to be fair from the pasting the poor OP has gotten I am not surprised. Oh and to answer one of your points, in order to do online classes etc you need a little thing called money to pay for them, so unless I find a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow it is not something that is going to happen.

I totally get where you are coming from. Is there any way you can get a WFH job that you can do in the evenings/weekends?
When my DD1 came along but I felt terrible leaving her to go back to work for similar reasons. For a while I worked 6am - 9am and 6pm - 9pm every weekday and then did Saturdays. We lived next door to work, so DH worked 9am-6pm at the same place and we literally passed the baby backwards and forwards to each other. The first 3 months of that nearly killed us with the stress of making the handovers, so then I got a (albeit big step down but who cares) job I could do from home (translation). WFH is completely impossible with a lively baby or toddler, but I was able to look after DD1, and then DD2 as well, during the day and I worked evenings/nights (sometimes till 1am) and weekends while DH looked after the babies. We managed to keep that going through the early years of 2 DDs, till they went to school. It was utterly exhausting, far from ideal and we had to cut out ALL unnecessary expenditure (no smart phones, TV contracts, eating out, clothes or shoes for us and we got rid of a car, but I got to bring up my babies myself, which was what I wanted. We both (DH and I) believe it was totally worth it.
Good luck

I was in your place twice. Both my dc’s are at school (reception and yr6) but I had to return to work after 9 months maternity leave and put both in nursery. I worked part time and barely made enough to cover the bills and nursery fees. Childcare vouchers helped a bit and as they were salary sacrifice they came out at source. Both dc’s learnt valuable social skills at nursery. DH and I never missed out on their milestones. Yes it felt like on occasion that I was working just to put them through nursery but looking back, I saw how much they enjoyed it and it was so worth it. Now, I wfh and get the peace and quiet of an empty house while they are at school.

There are good bits and bad bits for women today and women in the past. But it's obvious that rising house prices have had a huge impact on women's choices.

My mum's parenting years:

• Loved being able to raise me and give me her full attention
• Hated having to ask my dad for money for 'housekeeping' and everything else
• Felt frustrated that she didn't realise her potential and felt she missed out not having a career

My parenting years:

• Knackered trying to work and parent
• Frustrated that I couldn't afford to be a SAHM (when I saw wives of richer husbands affording this, or wives of people who bought houses when they were cheaper)
• Happy to have financial independence
• Have enjoyed some aspects of working life (once kids were older)

There are very few mums that dont think like this if they are honest. Unless you have money which gives you choice.

Modern life is not without its flaws, but I don’t in general think it’s a bum deal for women. Lots of choice, a lot of the worse sexism is gone, proper contraception. Our great grandmothers would have dreamed of what we take for granted today and seen it as unimaginable freedom.

I haven't read everyone's comments but Your post has really resonated with me, as to be honest I am a bit the opposite of you.... I love work and enjoy it.... and I think it's lovely you genuinely just want to spend all the possible time with your little one.
Only you know your circumstances.... Must pay bills vs non essential outgoings.
If this last year has taught me anything it's that we live once and get one shot at this so you really must do what makes you happy and if that's to be a full time stay at home mum and you truly want that above all else then work to make it happen... whether that's move to a cheaper area, cut back on other outgoings, etc.
I do think there's always a way but it's about weighing up what you truly want more than anything else. Do you want to me a stay at home mum and give up other things? Or do you want the extra £350 for holidays, extras and so on?

Read your post and it resonated with me. I felt much like this when I had to go back to work after my first 10 years ago. I remember sobbing my heart out the first day I had to drop her at nursery and head to the office- and for many days after. I managed to negotiate going back on a 0.75FTE basis which helped and I can honestly say - with the benefit of hindsight- it turned out far better than I thought it would. Everyone has to work out what’s right for them and what works for them but if someone had given me the money to be a SAHM 10 years ago I would have done it- but now I’m really glad I didn’t. It’s not easy juggling work and being a mum but I wouldn’t change it now. I’ve since had another and now work full time as well (much fun was had with home schooling…!). So what I’m saying is: it might not be as bad as you think-and if you can reduce your hours it might help. You won’t know until you’ve tried it and it will take a while to get into the rhythm of it. Good luck- hope you find a way through that works for you