To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

You’re not alone I feel the same myself. Mine are 14 and 16 now but sometimes I work 45 hour weeks and feel so bad that all I can muster up is chicken nuggets and chips for tea! And when they were babies I couldn’t afford to live off maternity so had to go back to work when they were both 2 weeks old. I feel guilty every day that i was too busy and exhausted to fully enjoy them when they were little. But I think they get it. I think women should feel empowered and grateful that we can now have careers but i would have given anything for a few years as a stay at home mum with them. Try to look at the positives. Your child will see all you do for them when they’re older. Promise!

[quote HereBeFuckery]@looptheloopinahulahoop

'As for life admin - get everything on direct debit and there should hardly be any.'

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Can you get new school shoes, the next size up of clothes, wellies, trainers, coats etc on DD? How about last minute school play costumes? Slips to sign and return with money for school? Out of school clubs (renewing, sorting uniforms/equipment, emails about changes to where/when/how week to week)?
What about getting rid of clutter? Is there a DD for that? [/quote]
I laughed out loud when I read this🤣. How true this is, I don't have kids but I have elderly relatives that I do life admin for as they have no internet etc, sort out bills, etc and other things. I'm also a club treasurer which can be time consuming - more admin.
Oh and a full time managerial job too.
I would love DD for all of the above too. 😎

Could you not get a part time job in the evenings and weekends when your husband is home from work?

Sorry but thats life. I stayed home during the day with my daughter in the 70s. I got an evening job working in a local residential home. I walked out the door as my husband walked in. Most of my work colleagues were in the same position as me. We just got on with it.

My mum had to go out cleaning when we were young in the 50s. Just to make ends meet and pay the rent. We didnt have a washing machine or fridge we just got by. I suppose she would have thought that we have it easy.

I think things are much better for mums. Paid maternity leave and many professional jobs available part time. I work part time along with the vast majority of my friends - mostly mums but quite a few dads too. There is more choice today, although not everyone has the same choices, of course. I live in a cheaper area where hardly anyone 'needs' two full time wages for a reasonable quality of living.

It’s been like this for most mums since the 60s when they were told they could have it all. If you work because you enjoy your job that’s one thing, but if you don’t, see where you can cut back and be a SAHM. I know you feel like you want to spend every minute with your child but quality is far better than quantity. My daughter now 23 told me the other day what a great childhood she had even though I worked full time, as we did so much together as a family at weekends. The weekend was exclusively family time. Whatever we do us mums are made to feel guilty.

Give up your job and stay at home. By the time you've deducted travel costs, tax, childcare, lunchtime meals and work clothes how much is left? If working means you have to run an extra car it's even worse. Give up on takeaways, foreign holidays and expensive Christmases too. Use the time to look after your husband and children, it's honestly better spent that way.

Use the time to look after your husband and children, it's honestly better spent that way.

Why do husbands need looking after? They aren't children.

YANBU
I often think how it has come to this……..material over life.
Everyone from the 50s onwards was encouraged to buy a house, this then became the mantra for the next 3 generations. Why? So you had something to leave your loved ones………. But because of this renting is soooo ridiculously expensive and buying a home seems to be the only socially acceptable thing to do. Yet this become out of reach for many people 20 years ago.
There is no answer or solution, unfortunately society has moulded and primed each generation and it’s all based on money. The emotional stress this then brings is overwhelming and not an ideal situation to raise a family. But us women make the best as we can and will continue to, always ❤️

Yanbu. It is very very hard to leave a one year old and the fact that you’re feeling this way shows you have a healthy bond.

I agree modern life is shit for mums. We have more appliances but they don’t make up for the emotional downsides.

Why do mums have more "emotional downsides" now than in the past? It has always been a challenge for women - before equality laws, even more so.

I agree modern life is shit for mums. We have more appliances but they don’t make up for the emotional downsides

Every generation of mothers has emotional difficulties to deal with. Modern life isn't shit, and if you find it that way, something needs to change

Life was never easier. Being a SAHM back in the day was harder than being a working mom now. The sheer volume of house work that had to be done before washing machines, vacuums etc meant it was impossible to do anything else. SAHM barely had time to spend with their kids compared to now. Both mothers and fathers spend significantly more time with their children than previous generations.

@barelycoping1

It doesn’t feel like it’s better for me to work right now - it feels like I’m stuck in a rat race with little quality of life, barely any money anyway (despite working) and no time. I just feel like life is passing me by at breakneck speed and I do the same stressful routine every day. Just fed up I guess.

I went back 3 days a week. It is a perfect balance for me. Maybe you could do it too. Obviously I take a large cut in my pay for the 2 days I m not at work but you know, its worth it. I don't have little ones anymore, my kids are at school but I have my elderly mum to look after and fully appreciate the time i have not at work. I dont know how others do full time.

I have other children too and was a SAHM and hated it. I felt isolated and lonely.

So a balance is good :)

You could change your job.
Move to a house where the mortgage is lower.

It’s progress that women have this choice. However, socioeconomic factors in the UK make that choice harder - e.g. the cost of childcare and the social expectation that it’s women’s work. In other countries childcare is capped to ensure wherever you are in your career or family situation you can work if you want too. It’s not cost prohibiting. This model has seen more equity in the gender pay gap as women can career develop as much as men, it helps address those gender stereotypes that we perpetuate here. Like mums primarily list their jobs to homeschooling during covid as childcare is women’s work.

I never wanted to be a stay at home mum, it’s not for me, and I knew it would have made me a worse mother. My kids get the best me by my being able to work, they see a mum who earns, have a loving home life, were more socially advanced because they’d interacted with other kids from a young age. They have happy parents who equally parent. My thinking was that you never know what life will throw at you. My mum had a stroke at 59, I always wanted to be able to know I could financially support us in case anything happened and I can.

I’m happy in the choices we made but I am aware it’s from a place of privilege in that we were older parents, already owning property before house prices went too insane and with established careers.

At the same time I acknowledge the millennials experience is harder. Those 10 years difference brought them austerity, brexit and covid, taking the opportunities we had away from them, and I think it is way harder. I can see why it feels like you are on a hamper wheel. I hope you find a balance.

@Charlotte774

YANBU I often think how it has come to this……..material over life. Everyone from the 50s onwards was encouraged to buy a house, this then became the mantra for the next 3 generations. Why? So you had something to leave your loved ones………. But because of this renting is soooo ridiculously expensive and buying a home seems to be the only socially acceptable thing to do. Yet this become out of reach for many people 20 years ago. There is no answer or solution, unfortunately society has moulded and primed each generation and it’s all based on money. The emotional stress this then brings is overwhelming and not an ideal situation to raise a family. But us women make the best as we can and will continue to, always ❤️

I totally agree with this. Wanting to be a SAHM is also not valued. It is in other countries but not here.

My children were born in 1986, 1987 and 1990. I didn't want to leave the children with anyone else plus I couldn't have afforded the fees anyway. I worked every weekend so my husband had them. To be honest I enjoyed having a job where I could meet and talk to other people. When my youngest was two I became a childminder which I did for 8years. I then started working nights twice a week as a healthcare assistant in a hospital. We had lower expectations regarding cars, holidays, sky TV etc. In 1990 the interest rate on our mortgage went up to about 18 percent. It nearly crippled us. I honestly don't think you can expect to have children, not work and still have the same standard of living as they had previously. If you are left with £350 a month after childcare can't you find s night or weekend job that will pay you a similar amount?

It’s hard being a working mum. But it’s always been tough. My mum worked as a cleaner in the evenings, cleaning offices & taught at a local college on the daytime. She had baby twins at the time and me, a 10 yr old. My dad looked after the babies in the day as mum was the higher earner.

My late Gran was also a teacher at a local college. She looked after her 3 children in the day & ran evening classes. To echo what @whoopsabloominbuttercup said, she would be walking out of the door as my Grandad walked in.

So it’s an illusion to think mums had it easier back in the day, or even that they had more opportunity to be in the stereotypical role of a SAHM whilst the man pulled in the salary. I can’t think of one mum I know who had that luxury in the 50’s/60’s/70’s and onwards. I’m sure some did manage to be SAHM’s but the reality of life for most mums is that you have to work as well. And it’s certainly not easy, as every working mum knows! But don’t kid yourself there was a Golden Age of SAHM’s. That never existed.

My grandmother had 3 kids in WW2. Husband shot at Dunkirk- thankfully granddad survived. Eldest son in desert, again survived. Two young kids including my mum who was the youngest and really little. No money, three jobs to survive including taking in laundry pre washing machines. Often hungry, frightened and tired due to air raids. Considered herself very lucky that no-one died in the family even though Grandad was very badly wounded and she had to work all her life because he couldn’t really do much after that.
I can see you feel entitled to a nicer life but really you are pretty well off.

I used to work 6 days a week before lockdown. I was always chasing my tail and exhausted. I'm a single mum of 2 teens. During lockdown I was on furlough and my eldest dc developed a health condition which meant I had to be at home a lot more. When I returned to work I went back on 4 days a week. The absolute only way I was able to afford this is because I live in social housing. I am very lucky to have a lifetime tenancy in a really nice area. I would not be able to afford to live in this village if it weren't for my council house. I am comfortable, not because I earn a fortune but because my rent is half that of the same property if it was on the private rental market. I do really believe that if the country invested in more social housing, young families would be able to afford to live well without both parents working. Before my husband died, I used to work part time as his earnings were enough to cover the rent and everything else and my evening job gave us money for socialising. We didn't pay childcare and our school nursery had free full time childcare from age 3 which meant I could work during the day once they got to that age.

Awww, I feel for you. You have no choice and its awful to have to do what you instinctively feel is not right for you. I absolutely think alot of us are in this situation, I work 2 days a week and my partner does shift work so he gets those as his days off yo look after our kids. We are of course lucky to do that. We are also considering moving somewhere cheaper to get a better work life balance and have more ££ for the fun stuff. It's horrid when everything feels hand to mouth and nose to the grind stone.

I was very fortunate to be a SAHM and I was never bored because I had lots of interests. For 6 years we lived abroad and I didn't know any woman in paid employment (no explanation - too long a post). And when we returned to the UK, all my friends were SAHMs, too, so we weren't lonely and we took our children out together. Yes - there's a lot of drudgery involved in raising children (especially when they are small), but I'd been a primary school teacher and that could be boring at times. I'm certainly not judging any mum who has to work outside the home - I'm not in their shoes, so am in no place to judge - but I didn't want to pay someone else to raise my children and if someone else had been spending more awake time with my kids than me, that's what the reality would have been. When my youngest was 8, I worked part time teaching children in a deprived area. I loved it, but gave it up when we had to move again. I have never regretted the time I stayed at home with my children and one of my daughters once told me that she wants to copy her childhood with her children (degree level but loves being a SAHM).
On the minus side of being a SAHM, my husband worked such long hours that it was sometimes like being a single parent but with no money worries! But TBH, if we'd been childless and I'd worked in paid employment, he'd still have worked long hours. He had a challenging job he loved. And I have never had to ask my husband for permission to buy anything, even though he was the earner. We are a team and we have a joint account. I've never been a big spender - I'm not interested in jewellery or expensive clothes etc - so we've been happy living within our means. I've been incredibly blessed - and I know it!

I feel your pain @barelycoping1 I was lucky enough to stay at home for 2 years but that’s only because we live in an apartment that I used to rent out and the mortgage is low, however it meant sacrificing moving to a house with a garden etc. But I thought the sacrifice was worth it. I think it’s much harder now days, too much to keep up with, I think back in the days communities were closer and there was a lot more help