To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

If you don’t want to keep your career going and just need £350 a month work evenings or or weekends. No childcare bill. You won’t be taxed. Care home, supermarket etc even on minimum wage you can earn that on opposite shift to husband.

She’s allowed to express how she feels! Just because you’re over sensitive to that particular statement doesn’t mean she can’t express it

She's not allowed to state that sending your child to nursery is paying someone else to bring them up...because its bullshit. It's also insulting.

I was a SAHM for a decade so I'm "over sensitive" to nothing, thanks.

Do you know what? We are all in different situations and being a mum is hard full stop. I’m a single mum of 5 and just had to give up my part time job because I simply wasn’t coping with the workload and absent fathers and no family support. I’ve literally spent all day cleaning today and text my friend the photos just so I had someone to praise me 🤣 even though I have stopped work (and missing the extra income) my days are busy with appointments for the kids, shopping, cleaning, appointments for me. I totally get the hamster wheel feeling. It’s a tough decision for you but your feelings are totally valid.

You are absolutely right that the the cost of living has gone way up and it's mums who are bearing the brunt by trying to do everything our mums did while also earning money. Average house prices as a multiple of average earnings are wildly inflated from, say, 40 years ago.

My only advice would be to sell your house and buy something that costs you £350 less per month than the one you are in now. I know that's easier said than done, but if you really want to be home with your little one it may be worth it to you to do so. Your child will be fine either way, but I don't want you to feel like you missed out on something that you really, really wanted.

OP you feel trapped but you actually have many options. It's hard to appreciate this when you're so exhausted and overwhelmed. You're in a good position in that you say you'd "give anything" so if you really are willing to compromise, there is a solution out there for you. You're willing to move somewhere cheaper (we did this, highly recommend it!) or you could change your mortgage to interest free for a few years and/or extend the term. You could make other big cuts to spending if you've not already done that. You could figure out some non-job ways of bumping up your income, or find a job that does hours that your DP could cover childcare for. Figure out exactly how much extra income or reduced costs you would need to be a SAHM, and then come up with your plan to get there. Don't despair! I can really relate to this because I felt just the same when mine were little.

Nurseries and schools don't "raise" your kids for you. They provide socialisation, education and care while parents go to work to provide financial security for their family.

How will you cope when you child goes to school? Or do you want to homeschool? It all seems to be about your memories, your feelings instead of what's best for your child. What if they want to go to school, go to friends' houses one day, will you say no because you want to spend every waking moment with them. Surely parenting is about the child, not the parent.

You sound very sad OP. Is there no way you could wangle it by cutting back to stay home for a year or two?Or at least go part time. You might feel better about it then. You have my sympathy, it’s hard to work for bugger all in those first years. You get more funding help when they get to 3 so that eases the burden a bit. As for life admin, I’m laughing at the suggestion you can sort it all by doing direct debits! Cleaning, planning and cooking meals, sorting clothing/activities, house maintenance etc all takes time. And yes it does normally fall disproportionately in the Mum’s direction.

@PaperbackRider

She’s allowed to express how she feels! Just because you’re over sensitive to that particular statement doesn’t mean she can’t express it

She's not allowed to state that sending your child to nursery is paying someone else to bring them up...because its bullshit. It's also insulting.

I was a SAHM for a decade so I'm "over sensitive" to nothing, thanks.

She’s talking about how she feels about her own personal situation. Disagree with her, fine. Give her a different point of view, fine. To call her a dick and tell her she’s not allowed to express her feelings about her own situation is ridiculous.

I completely agree with the opening post. It's not having it all, it's doing it all. And it's really all too much.

When I was a student I worked in factories that had twilight shifts 6-10 pm type thing. I’ve seen audio typing/admin jobs like that too or bar work/waitressing.

She’s talking about how she feels about her own personal situation. Disagree with her, fine. Give her a different point of view, fine. To call her a dick and tell her she’s not allowed to express her feelings about her own situation is ridiculous

I didn't comment on her feelings, I commented on her assertion (not feeling) that sending kids to nursery is having someone else raise them.
I'm sorry you can't understand my comments despite me explaning twice, but rest assured it was a dick thing to say. If you could grasp the conversation you would know that.

If you worked 9 hours per week, say two evening shifts at 4.5 hours, being paid £10 per hour, you’d earn £350 a month.

If you’re unhappy then you need to make a change. You’ve had some great suggestions so far (e.g child minding, weekend work) and I hope it’s a little clearer that you have options 😊

I signed up to be a childminder who my daughter was born. It was the only way I could get to be with her all the time.

Once my mat leave was up from my well paid office work, I went back only to be made redundant 4 weeks later. I was offered a job for 4 hours a day in a childrens centre for £6 PH (going back 12 years). It would have cost me £55 to put my daughter in nursery plus id have been out of pocket in petrol money. Being a childminder had lots of bonuses attached to it.

I did this for about 18 months and then fell pregnant again and carried on till I was 7 months and couldn't do it anymore. I managed to get some Mat pay through the job centre but it was a pittance. Apparently I didn't qualify for anymore as when I was made redundant I didn't sign on as I coped with my small amount of redundancy money. Sorry for not spongeing off the govt. The more you claim the more you're entitled to!

When my son was 2 I saw someone asking for a cleaner so I enquired and started work for a local family. Word got round and I ended up with 16 clients by the time my son was 4. when my son started school I left my cleaning round and started working for a property developer which I did for 4 years, I ended up leaving due to meno related issues. Now I have a very successful cleaning business and am looking to employ someone soon.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes you need to make changes, cut your losses and find something you can so that will suit your current situation, its not forever.

As for you being unreasonable, I don't think you are, its all relative but my nan was left with a tiny baby when my grandad went to war, she never saw him for 6 years. That's hard times. Each generation has had it hard and I don't think this is any harder, just different with different struggles.

x

I felt like this but needed the money so I trained as a childminder. If you childminded one baby 2 days a week you would get over £400 a month, you could be at home full time and your baby would have someone to play with. No nursery, no commute, your own boss

I feel for you OP. Couldn't see it in your thread but what do you do for a job?

TBH, I prefer working to childcare but we are all different and I enjoy my job.

When they start going school is the real ball ache - bloody drop off, afterschool clubs etc.

What drives me insane is how the workplace and schools haven't adapted to both parents working - nothing syncs or works - and it is nearly always expected that the woman will be the one to sacrifice their career - of course there are exceptions

This his a very simplicity view.The banks needed to recoup losses. Urgently. Banks start to fold and we are all fucked. Look at the Great Depression

It might be a simplistic view not to wish to benefit from other people’s misfortune. I didn’t want to 30 years ago and I don’t now.

The banks were fine, they were raking in 15% interest on everyone’s mortgage. It was boom time for lenders.

If you don’t want someone else looking after your child, could you work evenings or weekends when your partner could look after your child to make up some of the lost income? Or could you retrain as a child minder for instance? That way you would be working but being with your child? Could you downsize your property to reduce your mortgage? Become a parcel courier, dog walker etc

@PaperbackRider

She’s talking about how she feels about her own personal situation. Disagree with her, fine. Give her a different point of view, fine. To call her a dick and tell her she’s not allowed to express her feelings about her own situation is ridiculous

I didn't comment on her feelings, I commented on her assertion (not feeling) that sending kids to nursery is having someone else raise them.
I'm sorry you can't understand my comments despite me explaning twice, but rest assured it was a dick thing to say. If you could grasp the conversation you would know that.

I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it

See how she put I’m and I in there? She’s talking about her situation and her feelings surrounding them.

Implying someone is stupid because they disagree with you might be a bit of a dick thing to do though.

I was in similar situation but I went back to maternity leave again few months after for my 2nd child so only struggled for few months, I didn't return to work after my 2nd because paying 2 x day nursery fee plus petrol only left me £500 a month. I took 9 years career break and never and know I will never will earn the same again but that's ok, husband's salary boosted since and I am wfh for a flexible company now. Just think about whether it's worth giving up your career.

Nothing wrong with putting your child to day care. When I was a sahm, my daughter always told me she wanted to be like me - a stay at home mum look after her children. To be honest, this is something that I would discourage her to do. I want her to financially independent and I feel I am showing her the example.

See how she put I’m and I in there? She’s talking about her situation and her feelings surrounding them

Ok, so if I say I don't want to send my child to school, I want to teach him myself, as all teachers are satanists....you would say teachers have no reason to complain as I said I, and it was just my feeling about sending my child to school? Or would the actual fucking content of the sentence matter? Or if I say I think that people who can't grasp simple concepts such as this are complete idiots who would lose an argument with a mirror? Spot the I, it's just my feelings, you can't be bothered by the content!
If you don't understand grown up conversation, maybe head off to netmums.

Yanbu OP.

I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my one year old in nursery all day long either. It’s still very young.

I do think once they get a bit older they really thrive at nursery and then you’d be bored being at home all day. But until yours is a little older could you take a break from work or work part time? Maybe just accept less money coming in for, say, a year or two?

“Having it all” does seem to mean doing it all for women. All the chores, all the childcare and pressure to excel at a career.

@PaperbackRider

See how she put I’m and I in there? She’s talking about her situation and her feelings surrounding them

Ok, so if I say I don't want to send my child to school, I want to teach him myself, as all teachers are satanists....you would say teachers have no reason to complain as I said I, and it was just my feeling about sending my child to school? Or would the actual fucking content of the sentence matter? Or if I say I think that people who can't grasp simple concepts such as this are complete idiots who would lose an argument with a mirror? Spot the I, it's just my feelings, you can't be bothered by the content!
If you don't understand grown up conversation, maybe head off to netmums.

if I say I don't want to send my child to school, I want to teach him myself, as all teachers are satanists....you would say teachers have no reason to complain as I said I, and it was just my feeling about sending my child to school? Or would the actual fucking content of the sentence matter?

Well, that is a comment aimed directly at teachers.

Or if I say I think that people who can't grasp simple concepts such as this are complete idiots who would lose an argument with a mirror?

Agains you’re speaking about someone else.

OP only referred to herself and her son and how she feels about her situation with her son. She didn’t mention other mothers.

Anything else I can help you with?

Completely agree OP. It's like we are pressured these days to be able to do it all. It's like if you choose to stay at home you're not good enough because as they say women should be able to do it all. It's shit.

Having it all shouldn’t mean doing it all for women, if you choose a partner who doesn’t pull their weight then I would educate them or leave, or probably wouldn’t have had kids with them in the first place. But that is by the by, working and having kids is tough, I imagine it’s tough on dads too but it is ‘expected’ of them to work, and some mums see the default care giver as mum, why not share the work in the home and out of the home? I would suggest that would be of great benefit to the children too. This is a much bigger subject than a couple of hundred worlds, but I say YABU at least me and my family get to choose our own set up now, it’s not dictated by other people( I say that a little tongue in cheek as pay inequality etc for some is still an issue and is going to continue to be a fight for a while yet)

I was desperate to be a SAHM when I had my daughter, after IVF. I worked for a couple of years part-time and then got made redundant. I didn’t work for a couple of years following the redundancy and my marriage fell apart. (Now ex) DH resented going to work when I was at home and it was probably the main cause of our divorce. Now I have to work full-time to pay the mortgage and provide for DD on my own. Be aware that it can completely change the balance of power in a relationship when one person works and another is at home.