To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

@barelycoping1 life is shit with kids. I get sick of having to work out what I'm going to feed them - it's so monotonous (dh works away before folk jump on that bandwagon)

You do end up with less free time and loose touch with some friends when you have kids cause not all your time is yours. Like wise the life admin stuff increases, meaning even less time.

BUT this should be shared proportionally with the other parent. As this is their shit too. Why would it change when you are a SAHM - would you be spending all nap time etc cleaning? Then what happens when dh comes home - he gets free time cause you've been home all day? You end up doing all the kid stuff, life admin and cleaning and still won't get free time because your dh needs it?

I think you need to list what's getting you down. Is it lack of time with your kid? Is it lack of free time? Is it being the family skivvy? What can be done to change this?

I think every generation thinks another has it easier. Was a SAHM (dcs now in their 20s). Can only say property wasn’t that much cheaper relative to salaries then. We managed on one salary because we’d never got into the habit of relying on two. What I earned before we had the dc was saved for things like the house deposit, luxuries like getting central heating installed etc.

Totally agree with everything you say.

I appreciate some had it difficult in the past - no automatic washing machines etc. but I still think, on balance, it's much harder.

Have not read all the comments- but do you work in a role where you could compress the week, drop a day or work from home some of the time?

I think modern mum's have a dozen reasons we are better off and dozen reasons we are worse off.
You used to be able to buy a house on one person's wage and afford the basics. That is definitely true. But as someone already said they didn't have mobile contracts...broadband...TV packages..2 cars... foreign, all inclusive holidays (I'm 39, I was 19 the first time I got on a plane, my eldest was 9 months 🤷🏻.)
I also shared a room with my sister, my kids have their own room, which has become the norm.
If you smoke ...do nails/hair extensions etc, you gotta be willing to throw all that out for a while.
But sadly, depending on areas/careers etc, some people can cut back on all the luxuries and still not afford for one parent to work.

I am self-employed and work 4 evenings a week and one morning, I am lucky that I can pay a teenager (familiar to me and trusted) to babysit whilst i work in the converted garage, plus my mum does 2 nights, so cuts down childcare massively, but that is a support system not everyone has unfortunately. Also, though it has been amazing whilst me little ones are young (2 & almost 4) and I have spent heaps of time with them both, my eldest starts school in September, so now have faced with having to make changes to make sure I get enough time with him. So it is a constant battle balancing earning versus quality time.

I think whatever you do, work, stay at home, partti lme you've got to pick your battles, make compromises and count your blessings and most definitely, ignore judgy dickheads (which sadly, large amounts of the time are other mums trying to convince themselves their choices are the best ones so your must be wrong! 🙄)

I really feel for you. It is really hard at the beginning and can seem so unfair when you are rushing to work, leaving the sahms chattering and sauntering home. Well, at least that's how it feels. The reality is likely very different.
Is there any way you can ask for flexible working, or even work from home a couple of days a week? Can you use some of your left over funds to pay for home help? -Money well spent if it frees up the important time that would otherwise be lost to housework.
It will get easier though. You will adapt your routine around your family, and learn to be super prepared. Bags and lunches packed and ready the night before is a good start; invest in a slow cooker, and get the hubby to organise the shopping online.
I hope things improve. Focus on the positives and the fact that day care provides the socialisation and messy-type play we are unlikely to want to partake in at home. Stay at home mum's often feel like they never get time for them, or get to have adult conversations, have a full half hour to each lunch in peace, or take an independent trip to the bathroom. Count your blessings, even that will make work seem less of a hardship 🙂

Hi there! I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all but being a SAHM isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either 🤣 there are 100% days where I wish I was back at work for the break if I’m honest! Is there any option for you to be part time? Either way there are days where it’ll be shit! I’m currently having the worst week of my life with my LO’s and am incredibly jealous of my OH getting to leave the house and be with other people and not have to be in my position! There are highs and lows to both sides I guess!

100% agree

@barelycoping1

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

In the late ‘60 my parents moved away from family for work when I was 8 months old. My dad worked in a bake house from 12am until 2pm, he got home and mum when out to to her job from 2:30 until 5:30, dad cooked dinner, dad would sleep from 7pm until 11:00 and back to work. He working Monday to Saturday. Mum worked 7 days a week - Sunday she would start at 8am for 4 hours - stocktaking.

When I was 21 months she gave birth to a very poorly little boy, I moved to my Aunts house and when my parents weren’t working, they were in a specialist hospital an hour away from home 30 minutes from my Aunts house.

I have wonderful memories of holidays and weekends either at home with my cousins or at my cousins houses. I had a wonderful child hood.

I’m a nanny, I have been for 35 years - my employers do so many fun things with the children at the weekend and holidays. None of my charges feel they had a a bad upbringing.

It’s not the quantity, it’s the quality. You love your child, you will be a good mum whether you are a stay at home mum or a working mum. Your child will love you either way. He won’t know the other side of the coin and so won’t miss what he doesn’t know.

Don't beat yourself up. You are a good mum and you are making a future for your child.

I havent RTFT, I just wanted to say I feel the same as you OP. I have 2 DC, my DH has SEN and can't drive, we rent as can not afford to buy a house and never will. My DH does a job that he loves, but doesn't make a lot of money. I work 2 jobs to make up the rest and due to his SEN it means I pick up the mental load of just about everything. Yes it was my choice to marry a man that doesn't earn a lot of money, but then again I didnt exactly have any rich men lining up to marry me and before anyone jumps on me about why not just improve yourself, I tried to do my A-levels but failed everything as I am just not clever enough. I now work 2 jobs in order for us to pay all our bills and live, as well as carrying pretty much all the mental load of everything and the house work. Sometimes I wish I could just be a SAHM and keep a perfect house and spend time with my DC, but I don't have a choice. I am mentally and physically exhausted, my DC are gowing up too quickly and I feel like I am missing it all.

AnnoyedinJanuary
Well said.
Ultimately it comes down to:

1. What the family unit can afford (including what sort of lifestyle the family unit wants)
2. What both people in the relationship want

If there's a disconnect between the couple on either, or both, of those points then that's a problem. If they both agree and make an informed decision then that's good.

To be hypothetical, it doesn't matter if a family can afford to live on one salary if Mum fundamentally doesn't want to be a SAHP. It doesn't matter if Mum wants to be a SAHP, if her partner fundamentally does not want to be a breadwinner. It doesn't matter if a man wants his wife to stay at home and claim he cannot possibly do his share at home, if his wife does not want to give up her career to domestically prop him up. It doesn't matter if one parent wants to be at home, if the other does not want to change the family lifestyle to facilitate that. Nobody gets to decide that their partner should stay at home because their job is top big and important. Nobody gets to decide that their partner should fund them to stay at home. It has to be an agreement, and one that is reviewed, because it's too easy for resentment to kick in otherwise.

Soul destroying working to cover the cost of living. Mainly enjoy being in work as it can be rewarding resentful that I struggle to cover the cost of just the essential things, paying rent, running a car and the food shop. Although not necessarily all great in previous times ,but do feel I’m on a hamster wheel !

I don't think it was better in the past.

But if it really matters to you to be with your child, can you not figure out a way to either make or save £350 a month?

You need to look at work you could do with your child still with you - I became a nanny (at first) and later a childminder for exactly the reasons you describe.

I really can't believe how niaive you sound OP. Life may have been easier for some women but for most it was a lot harder. Those days weren't at all rosy, I should know I grew up in the sixties & seventies. Learn a bit of feminist social history.

I think this completely depends on your background, both my maternal and paternal grandmother's worked in the 50's when my parents were born and my mum worked part time when my brother and I were born in the early 80's. My dad regularly had 3 jobs that he fit in around my mums work.

If you don't like your life change it. Move to a cheaper area, find a way to make childcare cheaper by working different hours from your partner so one of you can be home, you or your partner apply for a promotion or maybe he should get a second job so you can stay at home.

One person doing my job at my level could support a family of 5 in my parents’ generation with a similar size house in the same area. My family could not survive on what I earn now. We need DH’s income to at least equal mine. Interesting that people don’t realise how much the cost of living has changed relative to salaries. Obviously life wasn’t all rosy for women in the past but it definitely was more affordable to bring up a family on one income

I worked one shift a week as a HCA on Sunday it was a specialist unit but it used to net me £200. 800 pound a month for 1 days work and no childcare bill.

If being a SAHM is worth more to you than £350 a month, then do it. Just minimise your outgoings. I was desperate to go back to work and it was worth my while financially. So in the opposite position to you, but we are both able to make our choices aren't we? So do what makes you happy.

@barelycoping1
YANBU. If you’re finding the juggling hard you just are. The first child takes time to get used to even without working (outside the home). I don’t think it was necessarily easier in 1900, 1960 or 1980 but it doesn’t really matter. What matters is getting the balance right for one’s personal circs now. Not forgetting it sounds like you’ve had to deal with new baby x biggest pandemic this Century?! We’re not the best at parental allowances in the UK but not the worst either. I didn’t go back to work for 2.25 years and then worked full time. After another 3-4 years I started working for myself to achieve flexibility. I didn’t though have a maternity package so didn’t have to return to keep it (don’t know if that’s a factor).
I found that initially I spent c. 100% of my salary on childcare & ‘costs of work’ but 10+ years later only 30-38% (depending on the year). I too hated the idea of nursery so did a mixture of childminder, nannies and grandparents (with a brief stint at nursery at DH’s insistence) over about 12 years. Don’t think there are easy answers but flexible work helped me a lot. I also had a cleaner, sent the laundry out to a service (in winter as impossible to dry over Sat-Sun in rain) and abused recipe boxes and take always as soon as my salary was high enough. We’re financially much better off because I worked, did a role reversal about 3 years ago (with interesting results LOL) and it’s been better for my pension outlook too. Unfortunately, property has become an asset class which doesn’t help. It’s all a bit trial & error really and every family is different. Sending lots of luck and positivity xx

My nan was a SAHM in the 50s pregnant at 16 and married she had 4 pregnancies in quick succession. My dad was an unplanned pregnancy when her youngest was five , abortion was illegal. She got PND and used to put my dad in a pram in the garden she was a young woman with no reproductive choices and found being a SAHM very depressing she later qualified as a children's nurse when her kids got older and found a purpose in life.

@PaperbackRider

I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it

Don't be a dick. Sorry if you're struggling but slagging other women in this way is not ok.

She’s allowed to express how she feels! Just because you’re over sensitive to that particular statement doesn’t mean she can’t express it.

To be fair, most people from when your speaking of lived in council houses and paid low rents. They also didn't own a car or go abroad and didn't have half the stuff modern families these days have. Because people want the big house, the range rover, their nails done, hair done, that egg chair everyone is buying and trying to keep up with everyone, everyone needs to work. Not all of the UK is expensive either to live, so move somewhere else to get a better balance for awhile.