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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think modern life is shit for mums

999 replies

barelycoping1 · 26/05/2021 10:59

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

OP posts:
Original poster
barelycoping1 · 27/05/2021 16:14

In the 1990s we also had interest rates of 15% and negative equity

Sorry but I do get tired of hearing this. It is SO much harder to buy a house now than it was in 90s.

OP posts:
Original poster
barelycoping1 · 27/05/2021 16:17

FWIW I'm feeling exhausted and a bit downbeat today. It's like I'm trying to juggle so much and not doing a good job at any of it, which is quite soul destroying.

I just long for a slower, easier pace of life, but am scared of making a big change and regretting it.

OP posts:
Annaiswaycoolerthanelsa · 27/05/2021 16:23

I don’t know how long you’ve been doing it OP but it does get easier. It’s always tough leaving them at first, especially since you’re used to being together 24/7 in a pandemic.

Batch cook, get comfortable with not living in a show home and make sure that your husband is pulling his weight.

ChaBishkoot · 27/05/2021 16:35

Do you think you were doing full time childcare and essentially all the housework do you think your pace of life would be slower?

ChaBishkoot · 27/05/2021 16:37

An ‘if’ is missing.

You can have a slower pace of life where you have time for yourself. You need to get your DH to step up. But since you seem to give him a free pass for ‘working long hours’ (mine is a physician and managed to be an equal parent and husband through the rigors of a US residency program so 100+ hours a week) I suspect that removing yourself from the rat race will leave you just as tired. But with no personal income.

Maireas · 27/05/2021 16:40

@barelycoping1

In the 1990s we also had interest rates of 15% and negative equity

Sorry but I do get tired of hearing this. It is SO much harder to buy a house now than it was in 90s.

You have a house. It's probably better if you stop feeling resentful about the perceived benefits of previous generations. It's not true and even if it were, there's nothing you can do about it. You can, however try to improve the quality of your life now, so consider some of the suggestions on here.
TatianaBis · 27/05/2021 16:42

I just long for a slower, easier pace of life, but am scared of making a big change and regretting it.

If you regret it you can always go back to work.

Devlesko · 27/05/2021 16:44

@barelycoping1

In the 1990s we also had interest rates of 15% and negative equity

Sorry but I do get tired of hearing this. It is SO much harder to buy a house now than it was in 90s.

Yes, but you were far more likely to lose it too. We ended up going off grid entirely to afford our mortgage, and if you remember from up thread we lived frugally, took the lowest mortgage we could. Those with any other debt than mortgage, or a credit card, redundancies, etc stood no chance. Repossessions were rife. We moved and the majority we viewed were repossessions, it was sad. You'd see items of furniture left, toys and clothes strewn across floors, no idea why they left them, but they did.
Sometimesfraught82 · 27/05/2021 16:46

I’m a single parent
Absolutely no support network (parents deceased)
I work part time, 3 days, but very very full on during those three days.
Yes 🙌 have two days off that is an enormous help but when I say no support - I do mean it.
My children are primary ages and they’re school is not local

And honestly - my life is very busy but I absolutely do not think shit.

In fact, and you almost have to whisper it, I think life for many modern day mothers is absolutely pretty damn good. But we feel to admit that is somehow a weakness

Feelinghothothottoday · 27/05/2021 16:50

@barelycoping1

In the 1990s we also had interest rates of 15% and negative equity

Sorry but I do get tired of hearing this. It is SO much harder to buy a house now than it was in 90s.

It was easier I agree because we could get interest only mortgages and endowments. But in reality neither of those were successful. My endowment covered 30% of my interest element, plus I had negative equity for years. You try paying a mortgage that was going up 0.25% every month it was financially an horrendous time. It wasn’t all roses!
Blossomtoes · 27/05/2021 17:11

Repossessions were rife. We moved and the majority we viewed were repossessions, it was sad. You'd see items of furniture left, toys and clothes strewn across floors, no idea why they left them, but they did.

I remember that. I moved in 1991 and told the estate agent not to show me any repossessions as I didn’t want to benefit from other people’s misfortune. Even people who didn’t get repossessed were stuck, couldn’t move because of negative equity and paying stupid amounts of interest on mortgages that were more than the house was worth. Grim times.

Sometimesfraught82 · 27/05/2021 17:16

@Blossomtoes

Repossessions were rife. We moved and the majority we viewed were repossessions, it was sad. You'd see items of furniture left, toys and clothes strewn across floors, no idea why they left them, but they did.

I remember that. I moved in 1991 and told the estate agent not to show me any repossessions as I didn’t want to benefit from other people’s misfortune. Even people who didn’t get repossessed were stuck, couldn’t move because of negative equity and paying stupid amounts of interest on mortgages that were more than the house was worth. Grim times.

This his a very simplicity view. The banks needed to recoup losses Urgently Banks start to fold and we are all fucked. Look at the Great Depression.
DdraigGoch · 27/05/2021 17:16

Would you prefer to return to an age before washing machines, tumble driers, central heating, vacuum cleaners and fridges?

Once you've spent all day doing the washing manually, cleaned the coal fire and done the daily shopping then you can consider just how hard modern life is.

Sometimesfraught82 · 27/05/2021 17:16

this is a very simplistic view

Phineyj · 27/05/2021 17:17

Hi OP, it may be worth getting your blood tested (I know it's hard to get a GP appt at the moment though). I've just remembered feeling awful at about your stage post DC and it turned out my vitamin D levels were on the floor and I was anaemic.

Buffythechillislayer · 27/05/2021 17:22

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread but has someone suggested you retrain to be a childminder? That's what I did. It brought in enough money and I was able to stay with my child until he went to school. Win win. Its not for everyone as its hard work but really rewarding getting to help you children grow and learn.

bondgirl76 · 27/05/2021 17:29

My M in law had 9 children..worked as a cleaner..her husband was a drunk.No washing machine..or car.My husband looked after most of them.You have no idea

sabbii · 27/05/2021 17:33

the cost of housing has ruined everyone even ones with good wages. It makes my blood boil when people only talk about how much their house is worth and how much they want to make when they sell. Easy finance has led to huge income multiples but he prices will never come down

twinmum2007 · 27/05/2021 17:36

In no way is using a nursery or childminder 'paying someone else to bring your child up'. They are providing a service to allow you to build a life that works for you and your children. At the same time, your children are learning to socialise and be around other children of different ages and with different needs. If you look at it as they are getting something out of it as well, it's much easier.

Symposium123 · 27/05/2021 17:36

YABU. Women fought for employment rights and to "have it all". As a result, the expectation that both people in a couple will be earning is baked into the cost of living.

Lockeddownagain · 27/05/2021 17:37

Become a childminder best thing I did when my daughter was wre I was with her all the time I choice what she did and had a great wee business seriously it's worth a thought

Mere1 · 27/05/2021 17:37

Mortgages were much dearer in the 80s, relative to salaries.

Whu020 · 27/05/2021 17:37

I feel for you, could you live somewhere cheaper where your husband could get a job still? We are retired and have just moved to France. There are so many going people here from the UK that have packed up and moved and are earning money doing all sorts of things. We've met young people who have become pig farmers and selling their produce, cleaners and holiday caretakers earning between €15 and €30 an hour. Some working from home fur utility companies In the UK. People teaching English, care workers. Self employed from buying their own tools and setting up, e.g. buying a mini digger and digging up land etc . Man and a van services with which there s a big need for that. Vintage shops. We live in the charente and houses are cheaper here and all the above trades are busy. I met a lady recently whos been back to UK recently to learn mails and now has a business as those things are expensive in France and there are plenty of ex pats. Don't stay unhappy you only have one life and time with your child will go fast. Much better life here for children ave they would grow up bi lingualSmile

Yourcatisnotsorry · 27/05/2021 17:40

Can your spend less, move somewhere cheaper, lose the holidays and luxuries? Retrain for a better paid career you can do part time? Upgrade your partner to a high earner Wink

I’m very glad Im a mum now not the 1950s but I don’t want to be a sahm (who would have spent less time playing with their kids than most working mums now and more time on tedious chores and taking care of man babies)

AnnoyedinJanuary · 27/05/2021 17:40

Oh here we go again...... sorry but this is starting to wear thin now..... wasn't there another thread similar to this recently.- complaining about not being able to survive on one salary and be a SAHM but for the cost of modern living!
Have you perchance asked your husband if he would like to be a SAHD? Or if he would like to spend every precious minute with his DC? This will inevitably turn in to a SAHM versus Working Mum thread again...... and I'm sick and tired of Women arguing over what is best or that assuming that either choice is a binary one.
Think on.... it's not possible (or healthy) to spend every precious minute with your children as what will happen once they start school? You'll sit at the back of every classroom??? Women go back to work for all sorts of reasons not just financial - yours is financial but many are not and stop harking back to the good old days which weren't in reality........