To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

I think you're right modern life is extremely hard for mums. Completely agree with you.

I could stay at home after my maternity leave finishes if I wanted to, it would be a lot tighter money wise but we could do it.

I'm just wondering if there is something you could do to adjust your living expenses so you could be at home with your baby.

Me and my partner live in a modest two bed end terrace in a nice area in North Yorkshire. If we had a larger house there would be no way I could stay at home but because it's smaller it's manageable.

@barelycoping1

It doesn’t feel like it’s better for me to work right now - it feels like I’m stuck in a rat race with little quality of life, barely any money anyway (despite working) and no time. I just feel like life is passing me by at breakneck speed and I do the same stressful routine every day. Just fed up I guess.

You sound miserable. Is the £350 REALLY worth it, if the only reason you go to work is to earn money? Could you do your budget and try to find it elsewhere??

Fair enough, but it all sounds infinitely preferable to me than working in an office job whilst my child is at nursery.

Really? Having no employment rights, no regular, guaranteed income and doing most of that work for a pittance or for free?

I’m sorry OP but most new mums feel the same as you. You do have a choice - or did - you could have saved enough money to allow you to stay at home. Or you downsize, or move.

Perhaps you and the child’s father could both work part time? Four or three days each? So that’s another choice.

Finally you will not be working just to pay the childcare fees. You will be building up a pension. The chances of there being a state pension in 40 years time for anyone that has a house is slight. We will be expected to find our own retirement. You are also keeping a job. It is so much harder to find a decent job once your kids are older.

That’s not correct. My mother in the 70s was a telephonist then a school secretary. My aunties all had jobs working in shops, GP surgeries etc. My mums best friend worked in an estate agents and her other friend worked in insurance and commuted to London. Women in the 70s did not sit at home sewing buttons - unless you were very middle class. The 70s were not the poor age.

I really sympathise - I relate to the hamster wheel feeling. I also found the period after returning from maternity leave particularly hard - you may find it gets easier.

I personally think the biggest problem is the funding of nursery. From memory I think we are one of only two OECD countries where more than 50% of the funding for nursery comes from the parents’ pocket. And we are among the two most expensive countries for childcare in the world. It leaves women in an unhappy quandary where they have the pain of leaving their children for very little visible return. I can see why working for £350 a month plus pension is demoralising (although it’s not forever) - if you were taking home say £1,350 a month after nursery you would probably feel a lot less unhappy about it.

However, I do think idealising the past does a massive disservice to women. Many women had lovely lives - but rape in marriage was only made a crime in 1994. Common assault was only made an arrestable offence in the Domestic Crimes Act in 2004. (And of course we only got 52 weeks maternity leave in 2006.) My point is, there was a very dark side to everything you are idealising.

@barelycoping1

If the difference is only £350 a month;that's 10 hours a week in a minimum wage job.Would it not be possible to work 2 evenings a week for a care agency as a carer?

Could your partner not manage to look after baby for 2 evenings therefore cutting out childcare care costs and giving you the rest of the week at home?

@ScrollingLeaves

Gagrag “Plenty of jobs allow you to attend the above though.”

Would you list them please? ( Genuine interest)

I’m in a senior position in a local authority and I work term times and have flexi time to attend assemblies etc. All my friends are the same. How did We achieve that? By continuing to work when we had kids and then putting a business case to our employers to work part time / flexi time. I use to work part time then once my eldest started school I negotiated term time only. Now people are WFH that will help with popping out to assemblies too.

I get what you're saying, childcare costs are soooo expensive but if you knew that you wouldn't be able to be a SAHM prior to having a child then it's just one of them things. Some women are lucky and can.

I got 6 months maternity leave and only 6 weeks full time pay and 6 weeks half. It wasn’t all great in the olden days.

@Feelinghothothottoday

That’s not correct. My mother in the 70s was a telephonist then a school secretary. My aunties all had jobs working in shops, GP surgeries etc. My mums best friend worked in an estate agents and her other friend worked in insurance and commuted to London. Women in the 70s did not sit at home sewing buttons - unless you were very middle class. The 70s were not the poor age.

Nobody was saying that all women were 'sewing buttons'. It was a response to the figures showing the number of women in work during the 70's...... while the numbers of women in recorded work was lower than it is now, lots of women were doing work that wasn't officially recorded to top up the family income- sewing was an example.

This idealised view of huge numbers of women happily giving up work to solely care for their children is somewhat of a myth.

By continuing to work when we had kids and then putting a business case to our employers

Shouldn't have to be done. Flexible working should be the default (in jobs where it's possible), not a perk or exception.

@Needanewhat

By continuing to work when we had kids and then putting a business case to our employers

Shouldn't have to be done. Flexible working should be the default (in jobs where it's possible), not a perk or exception.

I agree and it is now. It wasn’t in 2002.

My maternity leave in 1995 was 13 weeks. Only 6 weeks on full pay. No adjustments to the hours or work on return. My friend's husband was unemployed, she returned when her baby was 6 weeks old. It was quite common to see women expressing milk in the loos. Do not imagine that women in the past had a collectively better experience or more favourable circumstances.

In the 1990s we also had interest rates of 15% and negative equity and could be raped just because we were married and suffered terrible sex discrimination at work, golf clubs etc. But let’s dream that mother’s today have it harder.

I stayed at home with my kids. I do not regret that decision at all but we had to sacrifice a lot of luxuries to do so, no fancy holidays. Living on a budget. A tiny house. However the material stuff didn’t matter that much to me. I think if this is something you really want there are ways to make it work.

@ScrollingLeaves

Gagrag “Plenty of jobs allow you to attend the above though.”

Would you list them please? ( Genuine interest)

Well, even as a single parent, I never missed any concerts, assemblies etc. In the NHS, I either took annual leave or worked additional hours to make up the time after discussing it with my manager. I worked for several NHS organisations, all of which were fine with this. As a manager, I always made sure my team were able to attend important family events. Of course in some roles it isn't possible, but in many it is.

Unless there's a back story you did have a choice.

You chose to have a family
You chose your career
You chose to have a family at this time in your life on your current salaries
You can choose where you live
You can choose what luxuries you need

It's how it is. Not everyone can afford to be a SAHM without having a large family income, intentionally saving for it in advance, living somewhere where outgoings are low, having children later in life when more financially stable.

Yea it's tough, but you need to take responsibilities and realise that you (perhaps naively and not consciously) chose this path through the decisions you've made.
Start enjoying what you do have instead of lamenting and envying what you don't.

The good old days: www.theguardian.com/money/2004/apr/18/womenandmoney.observercashsection

Would you really rather go back to that?

“Feelinghothothottoday

ScrollingLeaves
“Gagrag
“Plenty of jobs allow you to attend the above though.”

Would you list them please? ( Genuine interest)
I’m in a senior position in a local authority and I work term times and have flexi time to attend assemblies etc. All my friends are the same. How did We achieve that? By continuing to work when we had kids and then putting a business case to our employers to work part time / flexi time. I use to work part time then once my eldest started school I negotiated term time only. Now people are WFH that will help with popping out to assemblies too.”

And,

AllOptionsAreOnTheTable

ScrollingLeaves
Gagrag
“Plenty of jobs allow you to attend the above though.”

Would you list them please? ( Genuine interest)
Well, even as a single parent, I never missed any concerts, assemblies etc. In the NHS, I either took annual leave or worked additional hours to make up the time after discussing it with my manager. I worked for several NHS organisations, all of which were fine with this. As a manager, I always made sure my team were able to attend important family events. Of course in some roles it isn't possible, but in many it is.”

Thank you both for your answers, @FeelingHotToday and @AllOptionsAreOnTheTable.

You are evidently both path-makers for others.

I read threads like this and wonder why the suffragettes even bothered. So many women who don’t value their rights and take no responsibility for their own life choices.

I totally feel you OP.

Can't not work as DH wouldn't be able to afford to pay the mortgage and bills on his own.

But when I go to work I don't actually have anything left - my half of basic household bills, mortgage, childcare, my train ticket to get to work and I'm in negative figures - no money for clothes for anyone, no makeup, coffees, take-aways, a Netflix subscription is laughable. That's working 3 long days, only 2 days in childcare (one with gps) (working 4 days would give me about £50 a month, hardly seems worth it).

Got a little savings from inheritance and managed to save a bit this year but that won't last long.

Going to go back 3 days and just deal with that fact that we'll be in debt until they turn 3 and qualify for free hours, I imagine we'll still have to pay something though as we need wrap around care.

South east/London commute & high house prices kills it.

I do actually want to work - part time - as I've worked hard to get where I am in my career. I don't earn amazing money but far from on minimum wage.

I've qualified in something totally different to my main job and am going to start my own business and do 1 night a week for a couple of hours - will earn more (eventually, I hope!) in that time than working a whole other day.

It shouldn't be this hard to have enough money to eat, keep a roof over your heads etc. with 2 adults working, albeit one part time.

I've done everything I can to increase my salary, we live in a tiny house, not sure what else I can do.

Well it’s up to you to accept modern life and all the expense that goes with it or stay at home. Do you own a smart phone? Do you pay extra for a tv service? Electronics in the house etc ??? Do you buy new clothes? Go on holiday? If you want the modern life you need to pay for it. If you want to be a SAHM rather than have the modern life, then do it!
My mum was a SAHM when we were little. (70s). We didn’t have treats. Holidays abroad. All my clothes were second hand. Nothing wrong with that. But it’s a choice. Unless one parent is a high earner, it’s hard to have a stay at home parent and all luxury of a modern life.

Fair enough, but it all sounds infinitely preferable to me than working in an office job whilst my child is at nursery.

Does it really? How much time do you think you would be able to spend with your child when you have all that to do? One of my memories of being about 4, when dad was working overseas and mum was taking in “bits” of work to make ends meet was sitting playing by myself because my siblings were at school and mum had piles of someone else’s laundry/ironing/sewing to do. Spending my days sorting washing with her. Walking endless miles with her trolley of washing to drop it off. I can’t imagine how she would have managed to do that if I had been a baby or a toddler. Have you forgotten that children do need looking after during the day?

She often tells us the story of how she and dad took in “work from home” projects where they had to make tiny little dolls or put leaflets in envelopes and they’d be up til midnight doing this just so they could afford Christmas.

You seem to think it’s like some kind of twee, Blyton-esque picture with mummy sitting with a sewing kit and the children playing happily together at her feet. It wasn’t anything like that. My mum was exhausted. She’d much rather have been in the office.

I was a SAHM in the early sixties and it wasn’t all honey. Firstly a lot of us were really hard up. We were not financially independent and when a friend of mine went to the doctor for a nervous condition he advocated getting children looked after and getting a job! He said a lot of his mums were depressed. Also, women had little choice if their marriage was unhappy. Women’s financial independence has much to do with a higher divorce rate in modern society. On the plus side yes it was good not to have to juggle things and perhaps depend on parents to help out but life can be very boring at times with only the companionship of a small child no matter how much you love them. In the early seventies I undertook a teacher training course provided for mums of school aged children which allowed us to get home to meet them from school. (There was a teacher shortage). Once a week we went to the main college where they served a hot lunch. I can’t tell you how I felt when I had a meal served to me and all I had to do was put the dirty plate etc on the nearby table. The mental stimulation as I studied literature, sociology, psychology etc etc was fantastic. It was hard, yes. I had to be organised and worked myself into the ground as I still tried to do everything for the family. However, the liberation I felt was wonderful. I grew in confidence and was grateful for every opportunity it gave me. Later in life I helped my dd so she was able to go to work as she, like you, needed to do so. It also allowed me a great and close relationship with my grandchildren which goes on today. Yes, she didn’t want to go back to work and she was upset at the idea but things turned out fine. I am sure you will become accomplished at juggling things and you will value all the more the time spent with your little one.