To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

Op, it's not 350 per month forever. There will be free hours for nursery to come and that will help. And then school is very different again. Plus you probably have pension, maybe some service related benefits and you keep your skills current for the future. It's not just the extra cash...
The guilt is overwhelming at the start for most of us I think...it does get easier.
You didn't mention what you do (I don't think). Do you like the work? X

Overall, the proportion of couples with children where only one adult works has almost halved (down from 47% in 1975 to 27% in 2015) and the proportion where both work has increased from 49% to 68%

Hmm... so that kind of contradicts what numerous people have been saying on this thread, that the vast majority of women have always worked.

You didn't mention what you do (I don't think). Do you like the work?

I don’t hate it but I don’t love it. It’s okay.

@barelycoping1

Overall, the proportion of couples with children where only one adult works has almost halved (down from 47% in 1975 to 27% in 2015) and the proportion where both work has increased from 49% to 68%

Hmm... so that kind of contradicts what numerous people have been saying on this thread, that the vast majority of women have always worked.

The kind of work lots of women did was not officially recognised e.g. doing bits of sewing, minding someone else's child.

“Bits of sewing” is hardly working full time in the way we understand it now though is it? I don’t think women would have been forced to put their children in nursery all day every day in order to do a bit of sewing.

@barelycoping1

“Bits of sewing” is hardly working full time in the way we understand it now though is it? I don’t think women would have been forced to put their children in nursery all day every day in order to do a bit of sewing.

I think you're missing the point.

It's not about whether women put their children in childcare so they could 'do a bit of sewing'. It's about acknowledging that the idea of having a parent ( typically the mother) at home to solely care for children is a relatively new phenomenon.

Women who weren't in official, recorded work were often doing other types of work like sewing, childcare, cooking, baking and caring for elderly relatives/members of the community alongside a much wider range of domestic chores. Childcare was often shared amongst groups of women.

I think that life has been and is shit for an awful lot of mums round the world and through history.

Eg

In areas around the world where there is terrible poverty/ food shortages/ disease

Fistula

Those who have children as a consequence of sexual violence and are ostracised etc for it

The news at the moment about young women forced to give up babies in England

Women under Ceaușescu or the one child policy in China.

And so on and so on.

My great grandmother was left widowed with 10 children. They were on the breadline. That can't have been much fun.

Loads more I'm sure.

What I think is unhelpful in modern England is this idea that pregnancy and birth are 'not an illness' and women should act and look as if nothing has happened. Also the pressure to be super happy, so much unreported mental ill health.

This is one reason to be in favour for universal basic income.

Their parents would have helped more though. Many grandparents nowadays are also working and/or live very far away.

@TrendingHistory

You were lucky *@0blio*. There were a hundred and fifty of us living in t' shoebox in t' middle o' road.

It’s not a competition. There will always be someone worse off. It doesn’t mean someone’s experience is invalid.

No need to be rude, I was pointing out the difference between then and now. And I certainly wasn't invalidating anyone's experience.

Many women had to leave their jobs when they got married/ pregnant, not really so long ago.

I honestly wouldn’t get nostalgic about the past, it was shit in its own way, and I don’t you’d have liked grappling with a clothes mangle.

If you want to stay home for a couple years, rather than weeping and wailing about it, can you sit down with your DP and try and work something out - can you extend or reduce mortgage payments for example - or is there a job you can take at the weekends/evenings while your DP looks after the baby that would bring in 350 a month?. Could you drop a day a week?

Also - while you are working, why are you responsible for all the housework and admin? What’s he doing? Talk to him and try and work something out - but it’s also important to make sure chores outside work are shared so you aren’t exhausted.

@Winkywonkydonkey

Their parents would have helped more though. Many grandparents nowadays are also working and/or live very far away.

God, I think grandparents help way more than they used to - when I was a kid I don’t remember anything like the grandparent-nannies you get today.

Barelycoping1
“Bits of sewing” is hardly working full time in the
way we understand it now though is it?"

Well my mum (and many other mothers) did piecemeal sewing work, as 1 income was not enough to live on. It may not have been the standard 9-5 role but rest assured my mum worked through the night after she had looked after me and my siblings.

Remember op contraception was only available widely v relatively recently.

Women in the past often had loads of children. Still do in some parts of the world.

Carrying and birthing 10 children or whatever, breastfeeding, keeping them fed and clean (no modern appliances) etc was an awful lot of work.

Remember there were slums etc.

No welfare assistance etc.

I think you are thinking of a sort of view like the 50s USA TV or similar.

The situation you are using as a comparator is one that applied to a tiny tiny group in the scheme of things.

Slums 1960s

www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/gallery/2014/oct/01/below-the-poverty-line-slum-britain-in-the-1960s-in-pictures

Women who weren't in official, recorded work were often doing other types of work like sewing, childcare, cooking, baking and caring for elderly relatives/members of the community alongside a much wider range of domestic chores. Childcare was often shared amongst groups of women.

Fair enough, but it all sounds infinitely preferable to me than working in an office job whilst my child is at nursery.

God, I think grandparents help way more than they used to - when I was a kid I don’t remember anything like the grandparent-nannies you get today.

To counterbalance that, when I was a child my grandparents helped out loads. Now I have my own child, my parents don’t help at all because we live at opposite ends of the country.

@NiceGerbil yes I’ve seen those photos before - they’re so sad.

Do you still stand by your OP- 'AIBU To think modern life is shit for mums'

Because I feel like that's way too general and feels like it's kind of ignoring a lot of countries and history and situations etc.

Women who weren't in official, recorded work were often doing other types of work like sewing, childcare, cooking, baking and caring for elderly relatives/members of the community alongside a much wider range of domestic chores

Much like SAHM today.

@NiceGerbil

Do you still stand by your OP- 'AIBU To think modern life is shit for mums'

Because I feel like that's way too general and feels like it's kind of ignoring a lot of countries and history and situations etc.

I think it’s pretty clear that the OP was generalizing because she was feeling upset.

I do think I have it a lot tougher than my mum did in the 70s. I’m sure my mum had hardships but I remember her and her friends in the neighborhood were very close. They had coffee mornings and played squash. My mum had contraception and a washing machine. She used to watch soaps on TV during the day.

I do feel jealous but that’s life. I work hard and do my best for the kids. What else can you do?

Pretty much every female member of my family would have loved an office job.

As working class women they worked in factories, pubs, shops. They all worked. Every single one. There’s been a relatively tiny period of time where a fairly small part of the population has been able to carry a non-working adult. It’s really really not ‘how it was’ for most people.

My great grandmother was still walking to the job she’d held for decades in a hospital canteen when she was 80.

Nobody else is raising your child. No woman who says this seems to think her husband isn’t raising their kids when he goes to work, or that they are no longer raising their kid when they go to school for most of their waking hours.

Part of my responsibility as a parent is putting a roof over my kid’s head. I am fortunate compared to generations of women before me in that I get to do it through interesting, challenging work.

People saying it's only £350 (extra by working) can you do odd jobs to make up for that, and stay at home.

It's £350 NOW but if you have a decent job is there an opportunity to earn more? Pay rise, promotion? This is what you need to work towards. Then you can reduce to 4 days. Even 3. And have the same amount you're making now.

Problem is people have kids on low paid job and then complain they can't have it all.
I have a good career now and STILL getting another Bachelor to obtain another highly paid skill meaning I will only need to work 2/3 days a week.

It's not easy but obtaining a good well paid career isn't damn easy. But it gives a freedom to have more flexibility in your life.

Women have been working and juggling jobs for years to pay the bills etc it’s not a modern phenomenon. What is, is available help for child care, paternity leave and men taking more of an active role. As a pp said you could look at your finances and consider moving or reducing your hours. However be careful what you wish for it can be very lonely.

I do sympathise with you as a working mum with a very young child I wish I were spending more time with. However, I am sure many Dads (including my husband) feel this way too and someone needs to work. There seems to be an assumption (generally among friends and acquaintances) that if affordability allowed it, staying at home is a choice a mum can just unilaterally make and the dad accept it. I am sure that often happens in practice as we know statistically men earn more in many families so it makes economic sense. But there will be plenty of parents even in families that can afford to have someone at home who will be having to work because someone has to and they dont have the luxury to stay home.