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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think modern life is shit for mums

999 replies

barelycoping1 · 26/05/2021 10:59

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

OP posts:

DelBocaVista · 26/05/2021 19:50

PTA- no thanks. I'd happily be a governor though (evening meetings, much better fit with my skills).

The trick is to get yourself senior enough you're more in control of your own diary.

Yes, yes to both of these!

101spacehoppers · 26/05/2021 19:56

The mental load is insidious though. I'd say my peer group is pretty big on women as primary earners, lots of surface equality but the mental load- yeah. Not done with.

Blossominspring2021 · 26/05/2021 19:57

Also, getting rid of a man who isn’t pulling his weight doesn’t magically mean we get to parent the way we want.

There are some amazing single parents out there, but it’s very tough.

I do think that for some reason we as women think that valuing parenting, specifically valuing mother’s is old fashioned 1950s. We are really doing ourselves a massive disservice.

gagrag · 26/05/2021 19:59

@Blossominspring2021 my reality (& I am aware it's fairly privileged) is that women go back to work because they want too, many of us don't need too. Some of us like & are good at our jobs. Why is the narrative that every women wants to stay at home &/or only works for money?

moita · 26/05/2021 20:02

My OH have had our up and downs but one thing I will say: he is proud to be able to provide for his wife and kids and that I don't have to work. So many men seem happy to have their wives slaving away at work?!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/05/2021 20:02

The demonising of nursery is bizarre on Mumsnet. Posters will talk about giving their child to 'strangers

Yet I wonder how many take up the free nursery and preschool hours or send their children to school?

gagrag · 26/05/2021 20:05

So many men seem happy to have their wives slaving away at work?!

😆

MissChanandlerBong90 · 26/05/2021 20:07

Tbf it’s only on MN I see the old fashioned ‘kids must be at home with mum and nursery is a terrible substitute’ brigade, and I’m not entirely convinced they’re often genuine anyway.

Yes I agree - it’s an issue where I find MN is not reflective of my real life experience and I’m not sure why. In my mum friendship groups and wider peer group, everyone works - some work PT, some work FT, but everyone works. Everyone uses nursery and people would look at you like you’d arrived from Mars if you started spouting the ‘nurseries are prisons for children’ stuff you get on here.

DelBocaVista · 26/05/2021 20:08

@moita

Do the wives not get a say in this?

I must have a word with my husband for forcing me to slave away at a job I bloody love.... the bastard

Ginger1982 · 26/05/2021 20:11

I gave up my job to be a SAHP when DS was born. Mat leave was great as I had other mummy pals to meet up with. Then they all went back to work. I held out until DS was 2.5 and then put him into nursery a couple of mornings a week for a rest and to help him socialise. Then I got offered a job and I've never looked back.

I wouldn't have missed the time I spent with him but there does get to a point when they need more stimulation than you alone can give and they thrive in a nursery environment. Plus, DS wanted, and still does want, my full attention, so it was exhausting. He's now 4 and I think I'd go bonkers if I was still at home all day with him.

Ginger1982 · 26/05/2021 20:12

@moita

Right then...😂😂😂

Blossominspring2021 · 26/05/2021 20:13

@gagrag It is great that you feel that you have the choice to either work or stay at home, and that you feel totally supported by society/spouse/work in both. That is the way it should be and I”m very glad that you are experiencing that!

However far too many women are not. There is a lot of evidence for that. Even just a glance at mumsnet board anecdotally tells you that! However there is ‘hard’ evidence that women are taking on too much of the load of the responsibility of parenting, they are still expected to and still usually have limited choice in how they do this.

In my experience I only know of a handful of couples where they are like you, where both parents are working/parenting in the way they both most want to.

YukoandHiro · 26/05/2021 20:13

I totally understand your dilemma but unless you give us more detail - what you earn, sector you work in, mortgage plus outgoings etc and where you live - it's hard for us to advise

Annaiswaycoolerthanelsa · 26/05/2021 20:16

@moita

Wow!

I don’t slave away at work. I have a very fulfilling career that I am passionate about. I am also showing them that women achieve their career goals (if they so wish) and don’t need to be looked after by men.

Franticbutterfly · 26/05/2021 20:22

It's the same shit situation I also found myself in 13 years ago. I ended up stopping a "career" by quitting my job (it wasn't something I could go back to later or do part time) and ended up doing a minimum wage job in the evenings and weekends. I didn't earn loads (£28k) but it was a lot to lose overnight, particularly as my now DH was only earning about £20k at the time. also it took me a few months to get a job as it was mid 2009 and we really struggled, going over my overdraft each month and incurring charges. But, I don't regret it at all, it was hard and we often passed each other like ships in the night. We both grafted and it paid off. I got to collect my dc from School every day, and focus on being a mum. We had just enough money and my DH was able to focus on his career (which has really taken off). Now I am able to focus on my career and will do a masters next year and will be qualified in my new chosen career by the time I'm 45. I wish it had all been perfect for me and that I didn't have to work so much when they were little but it has to have been better than the alternative (for me anyway).

Jolie12345 · 26/05/2021 20:23

I’m confused. If you’ll only be £350 better off couldn’t you just pick up a few night shifts (or weekends) at a supermarket to make that money? Then you’d still be with your child the vast majority of time they are awake?

gagrag · 26/05/2021 20:25

@Blossominspring2021 I definitely agree that women should have more choices whether it's being able to stay at home or work.

I always thought my experience was quite typical of other mums who work on MNs. I don't disagree that the more of the mental load falls on women but I don't agree that most women work because the DHs don't share finances.

gagrag · 26/05/2021 20:29

@moita

What is about men that you think makes them happy to be slaves?

Etinox · 26/05/2021 20:30

@barelycoping1

Women have always worked. That isn't a modern thing.

Two salaries weren't routinely needed to pay for a mortgage on an average home though. That seems to me to be a relatively modern phenomenon.

This is true. Research how you can earn £350 a month. Check you’re claiming tax credits. Sell stuff, extend your mortgage and or take an a weekend or evening job- that’s barely a supermarket shift a week.

GintyMcGinty · 26/05/2021 20:35

Two salaries weren't routinely needed to pay for a mortgage on an average home though. That seems to me to be a relatively modern phenomenon

What is a relatively modern phenomenon is home owning for more than the fairly wealthy.

Prior to my parents generation none of my forebears could afford a mortgage.

Two wages were needed to put food on the table, clothes on backs and keep a roof overhead.

101spacehoppers · 26/05/2021 20:40

You might be able to pick up £350 of earnings elsewhere, but what will it do to your future career options? Does it trap you in low paid work?

Ime so you need more flexibility as they get older. Babies and pre schoolers are quite easy because paid childcare is available for longer days , but it's harder to find someone to do homework with a 10yo after school and then take them to swim coaching and then chat about their issues with their mates. Think long term.

Luhou · 26/05/2021 20:50

I don't mean to be rude and I am sure you have considered this...

But as somebody who has also weighed up the cost of bringing up child/childcare/ return to work sittuation.

If you're only going to be £350 a month better off...could you not consider like an evening or weekend part time role? And juggle childcare between your partner and family or friends? 10hrs a week on 8ph would give you the same money money each month?

Devlesko · 26/05/2021 20:54

[quote gagrag]@Devlesko wow 4 yrs to become a millionaire! Well done him! Can I ask what he does?

Im luckily enough to be fairly comfortable but very much benefited from parental help. [/quote]
He started asking us about mortgages when he was 13, then loans, etc.
He's so interested.
Left school, completely forgot about it. One day a bit pissed off with delivering food, he saw an advert to train as a mortgage broker firstly, they would put him through exams. Had to go to some sort of training down south. I don't think it was anything glam, just CMAP? He then got a job doing it and for some reason was hitting and exceeding targets really quickly. When he knew he could do it himself after another financial exam, don't know the name, he set up on his own.
He earns about £250k a year, and has bought properties and land.
I wouldn't dare have done that. I know he never took a break during this time, his then fiance and all of us were so worried. He was so driven, and his health did suffer. Ended up with a seizure and liscence gone for a year.
Tbh, I think he had a massive realisation, and it was before they married and have 2 under 3 now. He's cut back a whole lot, I promise you.

emeraldcity2000 · 26/05/2021 21:53

@moita

Mine is proud of me having a successful career alongside his. He pulls his weight and we make it work. It's not the 1950s ffs.

LeafCutterAnt · 26/05/2021 21:53

From the Institute of Fiscal Studies
www.ifs.org.uk › uploadsPDF
The rise and rise of women's employment in the UK
It is also because women are now much less likely to drop out of the labour market around the time they have their first child, and much more likely to stay in paid work in the years following. Whereas only 41% of women born in 1958 were still in work 2 years after the birth of their first child, this figure was 58% for women born in 1970 – even though the employment rates of these cohorts were essentially the same both 5 years before and 10 years after the birth of their first child
This has led to a large rise in the proportion of working-age mothers in paid work: up from 50% in 1975 to 72% in 2015. The rise has been particularly large among lone mothers and mothers of pre-school- and primary-school-age children
Overall, the proportion of couples with children where only one adult works has almost halved (down from 47% in 1975 to 27% in 2015) and the proportion where both work has increased from 49% to 68%

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