To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

No job is worth missing the school run or the school play, their assemblies or concerts.

Plenty of jobs allow you to attend the above though.

If the job is only bringing in £350/month after childcare, can you find a way to earn that with some part time evening or weekend work? Remember if you cut your earnings to below £12.5k, you pay no tax on it too. At min wage £8.91, its 40 hours per month, 10 hours a week. Couple of 5 hour shifts in a pub midnight?

@barelycoping1
That is awesome but it's not all or nothing. I work full time for a great company that offers a decent work/life balance and I do a lot of what you've written in your post with my kids. (not pta for different reasons!)

We shouldn't be forced to choose one or the other.

Gagrag
“Plenty of jobs allow you to attend the above though.”

Would you list them please? ( Genuine interest)

@SoSadAboutMyDad

I was in your position. After 10 miscarriages I was determined to not miss a minute of my child’s life...and I haven’t. I have up work and pick up bits and pieces at home now they’re older. We cut everything to the bone to be able to afford that. No job is worth missing the school run or the school play, their assemblies or concerts. I’m on the PTA so get to have lunch with them once a week. There’s no stress as we aren’t all rushing about. We have time for instrument practice, extra work at home, clubs and my children are absolutely thriving. If women want to work then they should be able to. I don’t think the child benefits though apart from financially. They certainly don’t benefit emotionally from being farmed out from dawn to dusk, then having frazzled parents. You obviously want to be with your baby. I would move heaven and earth to make it happen.

Why would you miss the school run, assemblies, school plays if you work? I work full time but haven't missed any of this. My DC also do instrument practice, extra reading etc before and after school with me and DH. We work flexibly around them so I stop at 3 and pick up work again in the evenings. The assumption that you will automatically miss everything about your childs life if you work is a bit insulting!

@Devlesko I am in my 30s & think even living frugally it's very hard in this day & age for many people to afford basic things.

That was for @SoSadAboutMyDad sorry!

@ScrollingLeaves

my job & DH - finance
friends & schoolparents jobs - tech, GP, law, marketing
siblings - teacher, civil service.

Pre covid I don't think I knew anyone who didn't have some element of remote working & flexi time. Even my friend who works in the Met.

@ScrollingLeaves it's company culture not necessarily job titles. I left a job where they wouldn't let me pick up DD one day a week from school and now work somewhere I can do all drop offs and pick ups if I want as well as take DD to clubs, park etc.

*“Plenty of jobs allow you to attend the above though.”

Would you list them please? ( Genuine interest)

I'm a senior academic at a university and DH is a manager in professional services at a different university.

We pay for before and after school club 3 days a week but generally only use it 2 days a week and usually collect DS before 5. The other days we do the normal school run between us.
We've never missed an assembly, sports day etc

Oh and we have such generous annual leave that it's rare for us to need to use childcare during school holidays.

[quote gagrag]@Devlesko I am in my 30s & think even living frugally it's very hard in this day & age for many people to afford basic things. [/quote]
I know, and understand.
My eldest is 29, done really well for himself, so the frugal lifestyle didn't work for him. He's a bloody millionnaire, found something he loved and went for it. Was an Asda delivery man until 25.

Ds2 and his fiance work in a call centre, obviously they feel like the poor relative to ds1, but they are very down to earth and paying a mortgage.

Our last one, dd is 17 and atm isn't getting married or having kids as she doesn't want to give up her career.

I'm glad they've found their own ways, despite our frugal lifestyle.

We do have assets, don't get me wrong but money isn't something we've ever had in great supply, but it was our choice.

£350 a month really doesnt seem worth it. Is there any way you could get a part- time job to work around your partners hours? And see where you can cut down on things. Plus you may get help from Universal Credit if your not working or only working part time.

I had a weekend job when my children were babies. Which could equate to approximately £350 or thereabouts. I was at home with my children weekdays until the youngest started infant school. My own mum had worked full time when I was a baby and she advised me against it (her words were 'you'll be able to get the money back in time but not the time with your children'). Although I know she would have understood whatever we had chosen or had to do to keep up with the mortgage and bills obviously.

Mums of the past still had a hard slog but just in different ways so I don't think a comparison can really be drawn. They had an awful lot of worry and hardship and often many more mouths to feed.

@changepart1 I’m struggling with this. Do you genuinely think the latter would have been a more appropriate response? He’s already providing for an entire household, and not every job has limitless earning potential. you see I think you are working on a number of assumptions, which I know you don’t mean to, but are denigrating to the role and value of a parent. Which in this case is me. You are assuming that my husbands wages are being pooled towards the whole household - because that is what should happen if my role are parent was AS valued as his (not more, not less).

Think of it as Parent A and Parent B if it makes it less gendered.

Parent A is a SAHP
Parent B is a worker
Both have a child together. Should Parent B keep more of the money earned, because they earned it?

Should Parent B be able to keep a savings account for themselves. Contribute to their pension, but not Parent As, keep the money in their own bank account and only give Parent A limited access?

Because that is what is happening to me and what happens to most SAHMs. They are often denied equal access to ‘the’ money because ‘the’ money is assumed to be the person who earns it. And there lies the inequality. Then come accusations of ‘well the woman is choosing to stay at home’ so she doesn’t deserve full access on an equal basis to the ‘wage earners’.

Even in my case, which is pretty crystal clear. Our child has severe complex needs and has to be cared for full-time by one parent. Yet I still get told ‘to go to work’.

Yes do think about care work. I did 2 x 12 hour shifts a week, one on a Saturday so only paid for one day of childcare. Dh became a very hands on dad very quickly with his 12 hour stint of sole care on a Saturday.

@Devlesko wow 4 yrs to become a millionaire! Well done him! Can I ask what he does?

Im luckily enough to be fairly comfortable but very much benefited from parental help.

The truth is that most men don't pull their weight and, if they can get away with it, they'll let their partner take the hit. The stats on homeschooling and housework responsibilities during lockdown demonstrated this clearly. They're conditioned to think that the natural state is that women should take primary and default responsibility for the home and children, even if they also work. They think it is enough to occasionally help with the cooking or housework to have an "equal' marriage and they excuse not helping more on the grounds that they work longer hours or earn more. Thus, they get further and further ahead at work and their partners, unable to put in extra hours or progress, see their careers stultify and are accorded lower status within the household. The only group who did equal childcare and homeschooling with women during lockdown was SAHDs - that's right, the one group of men who should have been doing MOST of it were only doing HALF of it !

There may be a few men who buck this trend, but they are the minority. Most only pay lip service to equality and rely on the fact that their partners are equally conditioned to accept and excuse their failure to take equal responsibility for domestic matters.

This is the primary reason why it is so difficult for mums who work full-time to manage everything and why they feel that they are chasing their tails for so much of the time.

It is hardly constructive to say to individual women that they "have a DH/DP problem". The problem is widespread and insidious.

Because that is what is happening to me and what happens to most SAHMs. They are often denied equal access to ‘the’ money because ‘the’ money is assumed to be the person who earns it. And there lies the inequality. Then come accusations of ‘well the woman is choosing to stay at home’ so she doesn’t deserve full access on an equal basis to the ‘wage earners’.

That's not right though. If a couple decide one parent should be at home they both should have access to funds.

@SoSadAboutMyDad I think this is very much a "good for you, not for me" scenario.

My DS is only 2, but I can do the nursery run (as can my DH because he also has legs), and take time off the parent/teacher conferences and take days off when he's sick etc. because I'm very senior at my job and can, up to a point, make my own hours.

One of the reasons I continue to work full time is because I'll only need more flexibility as he gets older - to go to school plays, and sports matches and assemblies and concerts etc.. You get flexibility as an Executive Director, MD or an SVP. You don't get it as an admin or someone lower down the totem pole.

No job is worth missing the school run or the school play, their assemblies or concerts

I have zero interest in the school run. Quite happy sending them in the bus.

Both my husband and I work and both of us attend school plays assemblies concerts sports day etc.

As do millions of other working parents.

Tbf I make DH do the school run most days 😆

@gagrag of course they should both have to ‘funds’ - but I bet it’s the majority of SAHMs who are in the position of having a lesser say - society does fully back the wage earner to be able to ‘protect’ and have more control - which is why most SAHMs are told to ‘get out and work’ whenever they say that they are facing financial insecurity and you rarely see advice to say that the wage earner should share his wages equally.

The reality is most women (I say women as it’s the case almost all of the time) go back to work after they’ve had a child because wages are not being shared equally and they do it as a way of protecting themselves. It’s a shame as of course partnerships should be equal.

I'd pay good money to miss the school run. What's fun about that?!

I'm a senior ish civil servant and can do pretty much all the other stuff. And DP does half of it (also public sector). We use asc a few days a week.

PTA- no thanks. I'd happily be a governor though (evening meetings, much better fit with my skills).

The trick is to get yourself senior enough you're more in control of your own diary.