To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

@gagrag

But I would absolutely have sent him for a bit anyway as a SAHP. The benefits are invaluable.

Exactly, why is it just negative. I don't work most of the school holidays. My dc still want to go to activity clubs & camps with their friends & I send them even though i'm at home.

Tbf it’s only on MN I see the old fashioned ‘kids must be at home with mum and nursery is a terrible substitute’ brigade, and I’m not entirely convinced they’re often genuine anyway.

It’s an incredibly privileged position to be in that’s for sure.

@Sometimesfraught82

*Society expects women to work, even women themselves*

You seem to have the insight of a 10 year old child

Society expects adults to work.

Unless they physically or mentally can’t

So raising children at home is not work then? It doesn’t contribute to society in any way?

@peaceanddove

I’ve always said I’d far rather qualified childcare professionals care for my children than relatives. For many reasons!

@TrendingHistory

But that’s the mental load *@JSL52*! Why should a woman have to ASK her husband to buy new shoes for their child? Why don’t the husbands notice that a child has outgrown their shoes?

My husband will do any household job that you ask him to do but it drives me to frustration that he has to be ASKED! Why doesn’t he notice when there is mud all over the hall floor? Why doesn’t he notice that the fridge is empty?

People are mocking the idea of life admin and mental load but it is literally never ending. I have to take my daughter to a class after school today (I do all of the after work classes because I work from home and I’m closer, not because I work shorter hours). If I don’t ask my husband to finish making the dinner (which I have already done half of on my lunch break whilst working from home!) we will get home at 6:30pm with nothing ready to eat.

Today I had to ask him to buy a birthday card for a children’s birthday party that we’re going to tomorrow. If I hadn’t asked there’s no way on earth he would have thought to buy one. We need a new bed and I know it will be me that does the research and arranges to go and try some out. We have a broken oven and it will be me that orders the replacement part and organises an electrician to fix it. It’s endless. And we both work full time.

I agree ! Sorry it may not have come across like that.

[quote Sometimesfraught82]@OnTheBrink1

So does your point only apply to breast feeding mothers? [/quote]
Yes absolutely. It’s not just about breastfeeding. The baby has been in the womb growing in the woman’s body for 9 months. It knows her smell and her voice. There have been many studies on this. A man talking through the tummy of a pregnant woman occasionally is in no way measurable.

Sorry I meant it doesn’t only apply to breast feeding mothers. Absolutely applies to all mothers

@TrendingHistory how is any of that the fault of “modern life” instead of your husband though?

I’m onto my second husband.
First - shit, even if he thought of / noticed things he’d pretend he hasn’t until I sorted them.
Second - we actively have to make sure we’re not both sorting the same thing, cos he’s just as active as I am.

@ChangePart1 you are right of course, but isn’t that part of the OP? Only the privileged parents get the choice to care for their children during the day even after if they desperately want to?

Tbf it’s only on MN I see the old fashioned ‘kids must be at home with mum and nursery is a terrible substitute’ brigade, and I’m not entirely convinced they’re often genuine anyway.

It’s an incredibly privileged position to be in that’s for sure.

Absolutely

@Sometimesfraught82 Nicely said! Everyone is different, every scenario is personal.

@DelBocaVista

I disagree, you do have a right to stay at home if you have a child, you are their parent. So yes God given right.

I disagree but I wonder .... do you apply this logic to men as well?

Of course, yes. My dh was a modern parent of the 90's, not like the old fashioned mysoginistic men today. He cut right down to 10 hours and he expected to be an equal parent. If I had wanted to carry on working he'd have been more of a sahp. Just because you have a child doesn't mean you have to work ft, society expects it and many people are in the position where they need to. We just made sure we never put ourselves in the position where we both had to work more than we wanted to. We have clear expectations from life and family are the most important thing in my culture.

Just because you have a child doesn't mean you have to work ft, society expects it and many people are in the position where they need to.

I would say it's quite rare to have only 1 person working 10 hours & supporting a family. I would assume income was coming from elsewhere which is obviously not that common.

@OnTheBrink1

Sorry I meant it doesn’t only apply to breast feeding mothers. Absolutely applies to all mothers

But not dads? And for how long?

I do know a family where neither parent works but they are funded by the dhs multi millionaire parents.

I completely understand and felt exactly the same way when my DC were younger. I would have done anything to give up my job but it just wasn’t an option.

Now though, years later, they are much older and I am part-time in the kind of job that some Mnetters wouldn’t believe pays so well. Honestly, I still don’t like it as it’s stressful but we have a lot of income and I’m the one who does the school run and then looks after them every day without fail. So worth sticking with it, if you have reasonable prospects.

@gagrag

Just because you have a child doesn't mean you have to work ft, society expects it and many people are in the position where they need to.

I would say it's quite rare to have only 1 person working 10 hours & supporting a family. I would assume income was coming from elsewhere which is obviously not that common.

Absolutely.

Plus there is an assumption that parents who work ft are placing work above family life which is a very black and white way of looking at it.

It absolutely isn't always the case.

I choose to work ft because I love my job and it's flexible enough to allow me lots of family time.

@OnTheBrink1

Sorry I meant it doesn’t only apply to breast feeding mothers. Absolutely applies to all mothers

So if applies to both Your farcical point makes no sense

@barelycoping1

I'm definitely going to look into the HCA NHS option. How easy is it to get these sorts of jobs?

You can do an apprenticeship and now it’s equivalent to A levels. I would recommend registering with the NHS. Good opportunities don’t let people knock you. I don’t know if I missed your age... but it doesn’t matter you can still climb the ladder. It’s not a race to the bottom.

I think things went wrong when building societies started to give mortgages based on two salaries, it made house prices rocket. At one time they only considered one. We bought a house in the eighties which needed everything doing to it (think new roof, new floor boards, damp course, bathroom substandard). It was difficult with two young children. Ok we were lucky in many ways and I am not grumbling, (in fact we are facing having a ceiling down soon, the work never ends).

Perhaps if you could downsize you could possibly stay at home for a while. I agree that these are precious years and I think that I, like you, would consider anything to have time with my child.

Plus there is an assumption that parents who work ft are placing work above family life which is a very black and white way of looking at it.

Agree, some people have quite an archaic view of work.

I don't work f/t but I have flexi hours & can wfh & DH wfh 3 days a wk pre covid. The school commute is a 5min walk & my commute is a 20 min walk. We have plenty of time together!

I was in your position. After 10 miscarriages I was determined to not miss a minute of my child’s life...and I haven’t. I have up work and pick up bits and pieces at home now they’re older. We cut everything to the bone to be able to afford that. No job is worth missing the school run or the school play, their assemblies or concerts. I’m on the PTA so get to have lunch with them once a week. There’s no stress as we aren’t all rushing about. We have time for instrument practice, extra work at home, clubs and my children are absolutely thriving. If women want to work then they should be able to. I don’t think the child benefits though apart from financially. They certainly don’t benefit emotionally from being farmed out from dawn to dusk, then having frazzled parents. You obviously want to be with your baby. I would move heaven and earth to make it happen.

My Dad's side grew up in poverty and my Mum's wasn't far off the line either. Pooled childcare is nothing new. Factory workers would leave their children with local woman for care.

I think you're sounding a bit precious to be honest. Yes these times are special but it's not all or nothing. Both you and your partner need to find a working pattern that achieves a work and life balance you're happier with.

Lots of the parents of my daughters peers took themselves out of work or took very part time work and they've never been able to claw back their careers. Now kids are older they're moaning about struggling to get jobs and lack of funds. Some trapped in awful marriages with no financial independence. The logic "it's precious time I can't miss it, it's priceless" comes with a huge price tag that will last you the rest of your life.

I'm a single parent and have worked full time since dd was 5 months old.
I often think the dh's on mumsnet sound like a burden! I use a shit hot childminder who both dd and I love, she's turned into family over the years and I trust her with dd completely.
Life admin I do on my lunch break or sat on the floor while dd is playing in the bath

Don't get me wrong I cried and cried when dd took her first steps at nursery, when it was the childminder and not me that potty trained her.

BUT my salary pays for the amazing day trips I take her on, for nice dresses and new books, for holidays and city breaks together. I'm the one who makes her breakfast every day and reads her bed time stories every night, I wouldn't say I'm less of a mother in any way at all.

I think be happy and proud that you are independent, use that dh to do his fucking share and above all get very organised you'd be impressed by how much extra time you will have

@gagrag

Just because you have a child doesn't mean you have to work ft, society expects it and many people are in the position where they need to.

I would say it's quite rare to have only 1 person working 10 hours & supporting a family. I would assume income was coming from elsewhere which is obviously not that common.

Not rare in my culture, no. Definitely no money coming from elsewhere. Just a simple frugal lifestyle with very few material possessions. We don't need much money, and don't want it neither.

I guess the luck was finding someone with the same philosophy, otherwise I'd still be single at 54, because the alternative at the time wouldn't have been so great.

I know it's rare, but I post because we are not all the same and I think it gives perspective whether people agree or not.
Just different choices and values, I guess. Not claiming to be better, before anyone jumps down my throat.