To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

Completely agree. I think maybe the 80s- 90s was a good time. Lots of modern appliances but still normal for mums to stay home and dads to earn enough

@OnTheBrink1 my gran had 7 dc with 1-2 yrs between them. The dc were occupied by each other.

Even if clothes were washed less & dishes were washed less, my gran was making 9 dinners a day.

Assumptions based on what I see around me.
What I hear on here too, lot's of women saying their men do nothing and how they are exhausted.

I hardly think Mn is a reliable source of data- women in happy relationships aren't posting so you're always going to get a skewed viewpoint.

Where's the family time, I mean really? Where is the time for each other?

Age just, you don't know how all families work. We both work f/t abs have always managed to prioritise family time and couple time.

Society expects women to work, even women themselves

And why shouldn't they? You don't have a god given right not to work just because you are a woman. If you and you family choose one parent to be a SAHP then that is a choice - a valid choice but not a right.

Until women feel happy to be who they want to be nothing will change and women are are own worst enemy.

I believe in giving women and men choices. Nobody should be pressured into something that isn't right for them.

No man I know has ever really shown an interest in this shit.

Well no because , in general, their choices aren't restricted in the same way as womens are. They aren't judged to the same degree,

I think modern life is pretty good for mums!

• childcare options are increased (not everywhere I know) and inspected
• you get tax relief on childcare
• you have far more legal protection re your job and pregnancy than ever before
• maternity leave is longer than it’s ever been

-.you have a legal right to have flexible working considered

• it’s becoming far more normal to work part time / job share and still have career progression. Not everywhere - but I bet it’s more than ever before! In my company I’ve seen women come back from Mat leave into a promotion, and two VERY senior women job share
• workplace hours are more flexible than ever (again, not everywhere, but more than they’ve ever been)
• there’s a far greater societal expectation of men pulling their weight...

All of this is brilliant stuff!

As for “life admin”...

The amount of life admin that can be done on your phone in seconds is fantastic!
When I first learnt to drive, insurance renewal time meant a trip to a physical broker in town, and a queue. Now, a comparison website has it done in under 10 mins, right through to completed application.

Child outgrowing uniform? Ordered online in minutes, don’t even have to leave the house.

Too tired to cook / don’t have time to shop today? Fully delivered takeaway.

No idea how to do a last minute costume from thin air? Ask on here.

I’m not saying that there doesn’t sometimes feel like lots of tasks to do... but bloody hell they’re so much easier to accomplish in this Internet world!

Of course that doesn’t address your preference for being a SAHM - but, that really does come down to financial planning. OK, saving and waiting won’t give you their entire childhood off, but it’s still possible for many families to plan and make choices to have longer at home than just maternity leave.

I must be an awful parent because dc1 was a toddler when dc2 came along & I used childcare on maternity leave.

@Cocomarine & better paternity. DH gets 3 months

@ChangePart1

In my case after fourteen months of largely being solely with his parents, yes, the best thing possible was for him to start to experience interacting with others, forming bonds with other parents, and having fun. If you raised a baby into a toddler during the pandemic I suspect you’d have known what I was talking about without having to ask :)

Also he has two parents, so he is without his mum AND dad during nursery.

But this can easily be achieved by mixing with other parents and toddlers with mum (or dad!) no need to make his primary caregiver someone else? I just don’t get the mentality of ‘he spent too much time with his parents so it was better for someone else to take a large bulk (or in many cases majority) of the care?

Society expects women to work, even women themselves

You seem to have the insight of a 10 year old child

Society expects adults to work.

Unless they physically or mentally can’t

@DelBocaVista

Assumptions based on what I see around me. What I hear on here too, lot's of women saying their men do nothing and how they are exhausted.

I hardly think Mn is a reliable source of data- women in happy relationships aren't posting so you're always going to get a skewed viewpoint.

Where's the family time, I mean really? Where is the time for each other?

Age just, you don't know how all families work. We both work f/t abs have always managed to prioritise family time and couple time.

Society expects women to work, even women themselves

And why shouldn't they? You don't have a god given right not to work just because you are a woman. If you and you family choose one parent to be a SAHP then that is a choice - a valid choice but not a right.

Until women feel happy to be who they want to be nothing will change and women are are own worst enemy.

I believe in giving women and men choices. Nobody should be pressured into something that isn't right for them.

No man I know has ever really shown an interest in this shit.

Well no because , in general, their choices aren't restricted in the same way as womens are. They aren't judged to the same degree,

I think it depends on how much time you want to spend with each other, both of us working ft wouldn't have been half enough free time for family and relationship.

I disagree, you do have a right to stay at home if you have a child, you are their parent. So yes God given right.

Men don't judge the women, it's the women themselves. That's why men aren't judged, society doesn't judge them. So it's down to us as individuals to not put up with this shit from other women mainly.

I remember a person on the radio years ago,saying that lots of families will be doing more than
one job each just to survive. looks like it's all coming true.

The demonising of nursery is bizarre on Mumsnet. Posters will talk about giving their child to 'strangers' but wouldn't bat an eyelid if the 'key worker' was the child's granny. We have very strong links with my DC's keyworker at nursery, far better relationship than with their GPs. The nursery is 'the village' it takes to raise DC for many.

Yes, I find this odd too.

My father is mildly racist and homophobic and thinks smacking is a perfectly legitimate way of disciplining a child. My mother thinks you put babies to sleep on their fronts, leave them to cry it out, TV is good for speech development and she was astonished when she saw me cutting grapes lengthways for my toddler. I suspect they are hardly unusual for their generation.

Needless to say they do not provide us with childcare. Give me first aid-trained childcare professionals in a child safe nursery environment any day - and they have a very close bond with him. Just because someone’s related to my child by blood definitely doesn’t mean they’re the best person to look after him.

[quote gagrag]@OnTheBrink1 my gran had 7 dc with 1-2 yrs between them. The dc were occupied by each other.

Even if clothes were washed less & dishes were washed less, my gran was making 9 dinners a day.

[/quote]
Yes, but getting and preparing the food was the main job of the woman then. Most women shopped every day for meat and veg (and left older children at home with younger children whilst they did so) The chores were at the forefront of everything. Imagine no school runs, no play groups, no kids clubs, no going out to work and replace with - visit to local butchers and greengrocers. Chatting with other women on the street and in their houses, cleaning, preparing food. It was a totally different world but 0-4 most kids were around their siblings and mother most of the day

I disagree, you do have a right to stay at home if you have a child, you are their parent. So yes God given right.

I disagree but I wonder .... do you apply this logic to men as well?

@MissChanandlerBong90

The demonising of nursery is bizarre on Mumsnet. Posters will talk about giving their child to 'strangers' but wouldn't bat an eyelid if the 'key worker' was the child's granny. We have very strong links with my DC's keyworker at nursery, far better relationship than with their GPs. The nursery is 'the village' it takes to raise DC for many.

Yes, I find this odd too.

My father is mildly racist and homophobic and thinks smacking is a perfectly legitimate way of disciplining a child. My mother thinks you put babies to sleep on their fronts, leave them to cry it out, TV is good for speech development and she was astonished when she saw me cutting grapes lengthways for my toddler. I suspect they are hardly unusual for their generation.

Needless to say they do not provide us with childcare. Give me first aid-trained childcare professionals in a child safe nursery environment any day - and they have a very close bond with him. Just because someone’s related to my child by blood definitely doesn’t mean they’re the best person to look after him.

And the most hilarious thing is, your grandchildren will more than likely have the same shock horror at the things you are doing with your babies and children right now!!

@DelBocaVista

I disagree, you do have a right to stay at home if you have a child, you are their parent. So yes God given right.

I disagree but I wonder .... do you apply this logic to men as well?

No I don’t. Women feed the baby. The person with the god given right to have food flowing from her body has the right to be at home with the baby. No one else.

@OnTheBrink1

So does your point only apply to breast feeding mothers?

@OnTheBrink1

My children you mean? Maybe they will, and maybe they’ll choose to use nursery for childcare, and I’d 100% support them in that choice.

But it’s not shock horror. I love my parents dearly. But they are definitely not the best childcare out there 😂

No I don’t. Women feed the baby. The person with the god given right to have food flowing from her body has the right to be at home with the baby. No one else.

Well I could not disagree more.

And if you choose not to breastfeed? And when you stop breastfeeding? How long do you have this god given right to not work? And what happens if your husband decided he didn't want to work either?

think it depends on how much time you want to spend with each other, both of us working ft wouldn't have been half enough free time for family and relationship.

But surely it depends on the individual family & their circumstances whether they think they enough time. DH wfhs, school is a 5min walk. I have more than enough time!

I can’t quite work out if you’re genuinely puzzled or just being a bit disingenuous @OnTheBrink1, but we’ve been in a pandemic. There’s been absolutely nothing available to mix with other kids or parents for a large amount of his little life, at times it’s been illegal to. It’s not about the idea he’s ‘spent too much time with parents’, rather that he’s spent not enough time around other people, having other experiences, meeting children and forming bonds with other adults.

I mean, the reason he went to nursery was because he needed to be cared for while we worked. But I would absolutely have sent him for a bit anyway as a SAHP. The benefits are invaluable.

Yes, but getting and preparing the food was the main job of the woman then. Most women shopped every day for meat and veg (and left older children at home with younger children whilst they did so) The chores were at the forefront of everything. Imagine no school runs, no play groups, no kids clubs, no going out to work and replace with - visit to local butchers and greengrocers. Chatting with other women on the street and in their houses, cleaning, preparing food. It was a totally different world but 0-4 most kids were around their siblings and mother most of the day

Which is what I said, women weren't expected to be around & play with their child all day. My gran certainly wasn't in the same room as her 7 dc for most of the day.

Oh goodness, I just saw @OnTheBrink1 write this

“No I don’t. Women feed the baby. The person with the god given right to have food flowing from her body has the right to be at home with the baby. No one else.“

Gotcha. I retract my previous decision to take you in good faith. You sound... unusual, to say the least.

But I would absolutely have sent him for a bit anyway as a SAHP. The benefits are invaluable.

Exactly, why is it just negative. I don't work most of the school holidays. My dc still want to go to activity clubs & camps with their friends & I send them even though i'm at home.

@MissChanandlerBong90

The demonising of nursery is bizarre on Mumsnet. Posters will talk about giving their child to 'strangers' but wouldn't bat an eyelid if the 'key worker' was the child's granny. We have very strong links with my DC's keyworker at nursery, far better relationship than with their GPs. The nursery is 'the village' it takes to raise DC for many.

Yes, I find this odd too.

My father is mildly racist and homophobic and thinks smacking is a perfectly legitimate way of disciplining a child. My mother thinks you put babies to sleep on their fronts, leave them to cry it out, TV is good for speech development and she was astonished when she saw me cutting grapes lengthways for my toddler. I suspect they are hardly unusual for their generation.

Needless to say they do not provide us with childcare. Give me first aid-trained childcare professionals in a child safe nursery environment any day - and they have a very close bond with him. Just because someone’s related to my child by blood definitely doesn’t mean they’re the best person to look after him.

Hell yeah. My MIL doted on our DDs and loved to take care of them, but her standards were not that great. She loved them but was very lazy with them. She would only feed them beige food, fruit was only available if I provided it and don't get me started on her very haphazard approach to basic hygiene. She loved them but really wasn't the best person to take care of them, at all.

Our DDs loved going to their nursery. Other children to play with. Rooms full of toys. Young, enthusiastic nursery nurses waiting on them hand to foot. Lots of messy play, glitter, sand pits, water tables (all the stuff their Mummy hated them doing at home).

It also made their transition to school infinitely smoother - because they had already been (very gently) institutionalised. They already knew about carpet time, lining up, tidying away toys, sharing (hopefully), table manners, fitting in with a structured day.

My friend has taught Reception and Yr1 for nearly 20 years. She can tell by lunchtime on the very first day which of her new pupils have been to nursery, and those who haven't.

@ChangePart1

I can’t quite work out if you’re genuinely puzzled or just being a bit disingenuous *@OnTheBrink1*, but we’ve been in a pandemic. There’s been absolutely nothing available to mix with other kids or parents for a large amount of his little life, at times it’s been illegal to. It’s not about the idea he’s ‘spent too much time with parents’, rather that he’s spent not enough time around other people, having other experiences, meeting children and forming bonds with other adults.

I mean, the reason he went to nursery was because he needed to be cared for while we worked. But I would absolutely have sent him for a bit anyway as a SAHP. The benefits are invaluable.

Fair enough- I take your point over the last 18 months. I was taking generally in non covid times I guess.