To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

If you can, I'd move to a cheaper place and when your child starts school, retrain so that you can earn more in the future.

@gagrag

For some mums who feel strongly about wanting to be with their children all day, handing over responsibilities for 40-50 hours a week when the child might only be awake for 80 Hours a week does feel like someone else is getting to see more of your child than you are

I only find this a bit odd because surely it's a very modern expectation to have to be with you child & doing stuff with them all day. My gran never worked out of the home but she had 7 dc & no dishwasher, washer/dryer, microwave etc so didn't spend much time with the dc.

Of course she did? The children played around the house / garden / yard and then street when old enough? Also having clean clothes and many fancy dishes are a modern expectation? Clothes were washed much much less, much fewer dishes to wash, much simpler foods. I had a toddler then twin babies and not much family help. There wasn’t loads of time for ‘play’ in the early years because tending to the babies was full on but we were all still together - doing jobs together, laughing and crying together, I took toddler on shopping trips, talked all the time to her, spent time in the garden. I didn’t drop her at someone else’s house for 50 hours a week whilst someone got that experience of her toddlerhood without me.

@ChangePart1

I also think a lot of the hand wringing over sending your child to nursery is more about the parent’s feelings than whether it’s good or bad for the child. I think OP would admit that’s the case for her, though.

Did I find it hard to drop DS off, unable to take him in or settle him or see where he was going? Just handing him over at the door to a stranger and then walking away? Sure. But that was my stuff to deal with and no reflection on his own experience. It was the best thing possible for him so I dealt with the personal pain, that’s what you do as parents :)

The best thing possible for him was to leave his mum all day?

@LowlandLucky

When our Mum's and Grans fought to be able to have children and work, they thought the household chores would be split 50/50, obviously that didn't happen. They never guessed how property prices would rise because couples could put in higher offers because they had 2 wages coming in. They couldn't imagine how much it would tear our hearts in two to put our baby into full daycare. They thought they were opening the world for future Mum's, they never knew how much worse it would make our lives, how much pressure would be heaped on our shoulders. Sometimes you should be careful what you wish for.

This - a thousand times this. Something so crap to come out of something that seemed so right.

Back in the 70s women’s lib should have been about sharing the working week between the parents, and sharing the household chores, not just that mothers should be allowed to go and work.

I never thought about it like that but it's so true!

that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son

But yet your happy for your husband to have to do that?

I’m glad women work smd it’s getting more common that both do so as to show children that’s it’s not just one sex that does.

In my case after fourteen months of largely being solely with his parents, yes, the best thing possible was for him to start to experience interacting with others, forming bonds with other parents, and having fun. If you raised a baby into a toddler during the pandemic I suspect you’d have known what I was talking about without having to ask :)

Also he has two parents, so he is without his mum AND dad during nursery.

While two salaries may not have been needed, many women did work in some capacity. My mum did early morning cleaning, bar shifts and Saturday shop work.
If you only need to earn £350 a month there are alternatives to a 9-5 that won't incur so much childcare cost but do have other compromises

The demonising of nursery is bizarre on Mumsnet. Posters will talk about giving their child to 'strangers' but wouldn't bat an eyelid if the 'key worker' was the child's granny. We have very strong links with my DC's keyworker at nursery, far better relationship than with their GPs. The nursery is 'the village' it takes to raise DC for many.

I'm definitely going to look into the HCA NHS option. How easy is it to get these sorts of jobs?

Yes! One of the reasons I work is because we wanted DS to go to nursery. He's an only child, who will never have cousins.

Fair enough if from age 2.5/3 and 2/3 days a week.

A 12 month old doing 40/50 hours a week isn't good imo

Back in the 70s women’s lib should have been about sharing the working week between the parents, and sharing the household chores, not just that mothers should be allowed to go and work

Yes it is entirely the fault fault of feminists 50 years ago that some menfolk don't pull their weight in 2021

@Winkywonkydonkey

The demonising of nursery is bizarre on Mumsnet. Posters will talk about giving their child to 'strangers' but wouldn't bat an eyelid if the 'key worker' was the child's granny. We have very strong links with my DC's keyworker at nursery, far better relationship than with their GPs. The nursery is 'the village' it takes to raise DC for many.

I don’t think it is demonised. Some people would prefer to look after their own children or, failing that, by their granny. It would be really nice if women who wanted to stay at home could have that choice.

You are being a brilliant role model by working.

@facemaskhate

Yes! One of the reasons I work is because we wanted DS to go to nursery. He's an only child, who will never have cousins.

Fair enough if from age 2.5/3 and 2/3 days a week.

A 12 month old doing 40/50 hours a week isn't good imo

Oh dear. DS is now 2.5 doing 3 days a week, but we sent him at 12 months for 2 days, so I'm afraid I don't meet your arbitrary good-parenting benchmark.

You are being an excellent role model by working

@Itgetsthehoseagain

You are being an excellent role model by working

And SAHMs are... doing what exactly?

Being in a job you hate, being miserable and bitterly regretting wasting your life is hardly being a good role model let's be honest.

It's not working the problem, it's giving the idea that you have to put up with things that make you miserable.

@Itgetsthehoseagain

You are being a brilliant role model by working.

You can be a brilliant role model either by working or being a SAHP.

Women can not work when they kids are little and work when they’re older - combining both.

You’re not high income
You lack choice
It’s nothing new OP
Lack of choice has defined many a family through the ages

@Itgetsthehoseagain

You are being an excellent role model by working

I work. I’m a good role model for my daughter

My mother didn’t work from the day I was born. Not once. She was a bloody amazing role model.

Maggiesfarm
“If that happened nowadays, the parents would be reported to social services.”

You said this in response to the idea that children were forced to play outside no matter the weather and not allowed home except for meals, but that’s not something I recognise. Most children wanted to play out side a lot, make camps, play out door games, ride their bikes and so on. It was great fun and children enjoyed self-reliance and freedom. No one was forced to never come in though, and, indeed, reading, dress-ups, toy soldiers, train-sets, baking, board games were favoured way of spending time.

Compared to now, looking back, after the war until perhaps the mid 1980s was generally a better time for children In my opinion.

If mothers had an au pair, or nanny and home help they had some leisure but most worked very hard at home. Cooking took more time, and most made Sunday lunches too. Some people had twin tub washing machines but many washed clothes and sheets by hand. There were fewer ready made things for the home so many mothers made curtains and slip covers as well as children’s clothes. Some did DIY too. All correspondence was hand-written and taken seriously. No one expected the standard of home decor expected now and a lot of things were mended rather than replaced.

I went to nursery. My siblings went to nursery. I think just about all my friends at school went to nursery. It was absolutely the norm for both parents to work where I grew up as there wouldn't have been enough on one income.
Without being too boastful... We seem to have turned out pretty damn good. We're well adjusted people who are close to our families and maintain healthy interpersonal relationships. Many of us have been academically successful and gone on to have professional, well paying jobs.

And this is all with an apparently detrimental- practically traumatic!- early life experience of spending time with experienced childcare professionals and other children our own age.
God, had our mothers stayed home, we'd probably be borderline superhuman.

@DelBocaVista

Could you make any more assumptions in one post Devlesko?

Assumptions based on what I see around me. What I hear on here too, lot's of women saying their men do nothing and how they are exhausted. Where's the family time, I mean really? Where is the time for each other? This is modern life according to society, apparentely. Look how many suggestions are mentioning hours of work, compared to how to save so she can become a sahm, even when the OP is talking about wanting to do this. Society expects women to work, even women themselves. Until women feel happy to be who they want to be nothing will change and women are are own worst enemy. No man I know has ever really shown an interest in this shit.

[quote shinynewapple21]@shetlandponies I don't know where you live where your partner bought a house for £20,000 in mid 90s but this wasn't the norm for most of the country . I live in the midlands , not most expensive but not cheapest area either and a modest house would have cost double that in this area at that time . [/quote]
In south Derbyshire

Honestly he did! Crazy I know. I lived in Leicestershire and remember considering buying at 18 this was 1998/99, you could get a small 2 bed for 25 to 30k. Wish I bloody had, as it was I ended up priced out within a couple of years and not being able to buy til I was 35 and that was only due to a no insignificant windfall