To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

I don't know what kind of work you do @barelycoping1 but is it possible for you to reduce your working hours say down to 3 or 4 days per week? I remember , many years ago, when reducing my working hours after having DS I was surprised the drop in salary wasn't as much as I expected as I barely paid any tax on my part time salary . This would give you a little more time at home with your child while still earning some money and holding your job open .

OP I do understand your feelings. However, try to see it this way: a good nursery can enrich your little one's development so much. I am sending DD to nursery 3 days a week, and she is thriving there - constantly talking about her besties, of the new games she has tried, etc.

I don't have other kids and five days at home would not be exciting for her.

I started thinking on the lines of "I am paying to give DD three days of fun activities", this really helped.

@shinynewapple21

I don't know what kind of work you do *@barelycoping1* but is it possible for you to reduce your working hours say down to 3 or 4 days per week? I remember , many years ago, when reducing my working hours after having DS I was surprised the drop in salary wasn't as much as I expected as I barely paid any tax on my part time salary . This would give you a little more time at home with your child while still earning some money and holding your job open .

Yes, this is a good point. When I originally dropped from 35 to 18 hours per week my take-home pay wasn't halved; it was 2/3.

However when I do complain about my lack of financial security women friends tell me to ‘go get a job’. Rather than ‘kick your husband up the arse to financially provide better’.

That's a really odd way of looking it at.

Plus one person earning 100k earns 5.5k whereas 2 people on 50k each get 6.3k & child benefit & 2 pension contributions

However when I do complain about my lack of financial security women friends tell me to ‘go get a job’. Rather than ‘kick your husband up the arse to financially provide better’.

Wtf is this comment, yes of course that's logical.

@TrendingHistory agree totally with your comments about the oven, buying a new bed etc. It seems to be a never-ending list as well. As soon as you've sorted one thing, something else breaks down or needs doing!

If DH is working "crazy long hours" as you say, he should be bringing in lots of money. If he isn't, he's fucked up and needs to look at his work situation.

A partner away from home all the time, not shouldering the domestic burden while also not bringing in enough money is a partner who isn't doing his bit for the family. That's your problem right there.

@Loveacoseynightin

It is well known through psychology studies that women tend to nurture more than men hence why you see more female nurses rather than males etc obviously not everybody is like that but the vast majority are so this must be a biological thing.

There are a few books that explain why this is - The Gendered Brain is a good one.

Don't underestimate the impact of societal expectations, unconscious bias and stereotypes!

@shetlandponies I don't know where you live where your partner bought a house for £20,000 in mid 90s but this wasn't the norm for most of the country . I live in the midlands , not most expensive but not cheapest area either and a modest house would have cost double that in this area at that time .

OP, if you really want to be a SAHM, then do everything you can to enable that, go for it same as if it were a job you really wanted.

When the child/dren are older you can always do online training/qualifications to facilitate earning more and keeping up your skills.

Well, it would have been shitter for me in the old days, as I would have been stuck married to my EA exh! As would a lot of women.

And while leaving my babies to go out to work when they were little hurt, it enabled me to have the confidence and independence to leave him (as did it not being illegal for me to own property or to take the kids with me etc!)

So while there are challenges, it’s better over all.

Watching (and hopefully learning) with interest OP. I've just gone back to my (full on) job FT, barely keeping my head above the water. Been looking at nurseries, cannot find one with the availability I need, all cost a fortune, and house is essentially imploding around my ears. I'm exhausted and been in tears most of today after a frankly awful morning.

Sorry to hear that @MisdemeanourOnTheFloor. It is so effing tough isn't it? x

I feel for you OP. I'm a SAHP now but worked full time after my eldest. I hated it. I worked out once that I only got to spend 24 waking hours with him a week!

Women face sooooo much judgement whether they decide to stay home or work. There are always a group who immediately take offence if you want to do something other than they have done.

Best I can suggest to you is save as much as you can now and perhaps look to go very part time in a year or so. It's not ideal but might help.

FWIW we can only afford for me to be a SAHP because husband had a relative who died and left him a house. It meant we've been mortgage and rent free for 10 years now and saved hard in that time.

As an aside, I hate the phrase “someone else raising my child”. A kid going to nursery is not having someone else raising them, you still raise them

This. Carved in stone. Its the most bone-headed, knee-jerk bit of twattish goadery and I'm sick of it

There's plenty of goadery on both sides of this debate and the WOHMs can be guilty of this but this is just an ignorant insult and I wish people would keep this sort of thing to themselves

1000% agree.

Using childcare is NOT getting someone else to raise your child. That would be adoption.

@barelycoping1

Watching (and hopefully learning) with interest OP. I've just gone back to my (full on) job FT, barely keeping my head above the water. Been looking at nurseries, cannot find one with the availability I need, all cost a fortune, and house is essentially imploding around my ears. I'm exhausted and been in tears most of today after a frankly awful morning.

Sorry to hear that @MisdemeanourOnTheFloor. It is so effing tough isn't it? x

One of my sisters, intended to go back to work FT after her first baby. Time came, she decided she didn’t want to leave her baby so resigned instead. Took 15 years being SAHM around 3 kids, just went back to work (to a very good role) this year. She has no regrets. Yes they had less money than they would if she’d been working, but they made it work.

It's true that house prices now require two salaries for most people.

@gagrag

You see, I see this as the reason for so many divorces. Nowhere in this scenario is the mention of a partner, spend your time on kids and work and your partner will look for intimacy somewhere else. Neither have much time on either kids or spousal relationships.

What a load of crap.

So you think marriages can survive when neither partner has energy for the other. When resentment has built up because the woman has martyred herself to all the domestic work, and woh too. You're kidding right Some couples barely have time for their kids apart from putting them to bed, cooking their tea, maybe a bath. Where's the fun for these families, it sounds crap and a huge strain on the best of marriages.

[quote shinynewapple21]@shetlandponies I don't know where you live where your partner bought a house for £20,000 in mid 90s but this wasn't the norm for most of the country . I live in the midlands , not most expensive but not cheapest area either and a modest house would have cost double that in this area at that time . [/quote]

Actually I have no idea what point I was trying to make here! Sorry

@facemaskhate

It's true that house prices now require two salaries for most people.

Yep. 4.75 times household income doesn't get you very far as a single person on anything less than £30k. Even "Up North" where I grew up.

@MakkaPakka84

OP I do understand your feelings. However, try to see it this way: a good nursery can enrich your little one's development so much. I am sending DD to nursery 3 days a week, and she is thriving there - constantly talking about her besties, of the new games she has tried, etc.

I don't have other kids and five days at home would not be exciting for her.

I started thinking on the lines of "I am paying to give DD three days of fun activities", this really helped.

Absolutely.

Sending DS to nursery has been an absolute godsend after this awful year of isolation. Just being physically unable to let him socialise with family or friends, or attend groups to meet other kids. I was thrilled when he started nursery and even if I was a SAHP I’d be trying to ensure he spent at least a couple of days each week at nursery.

Women face sooooo much judgement whether they decide to stay home or work. There are always a group who immediately take offence if you want to do something other than they have done.

Yep. There’s a lot of offence taken by people who take some else’s choice as a personal judgement on them.

Could you make any more assumptions in one post Devlesko?

Sending DS to nursery has been an absolute godsend after this awful year of isolation. Just being physically unable to let him socialise with family or friends, or attend groups to meet other kids. I was thrilled when he started nursery and even if I was a SAHP I’d be trying to ensure he spent at least a couple of days each week at nursery.

Yes! One of the reasons I work is because we wanted DS to go to nursery. He's an only child, who will never have cousins.

Yep. The two working person household being the norm has caused inflation.

Back in the 70s women’s lib should have been about sharing the working week between the parents, and sharing the household chores, not just that mothers should be allowed to go and work.

I also think a lot of the hand wringing over sending your child to nursery is more about the parent’s feelings than whether it’s good or bad for the child. I think OP would admit that’s the case for her, though.

Did I find it hard to drop DS off, unable to take him in or settle him or see where he was going? Just handing him over at the door to a stranger and then walking away? Sure. But that was my stuff to deal with and no reflection on his own experience. It was the best thing possible for him so I dealt with the personal pain, that’s what you do as parents :)