To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

@Needanewhat

Nobody ever tells men that can't have it all.

They don't have it all though.

Depends on your perspective though doesn't it? And what 'having it all ' means to you. Both me and DH would say we have it all.

But that wasn't my point. These discussions are always about women trying to have it all. It's a criticism of women's choices.
I've never witnessed a discussion about men trying to have it all .......and I research this for a living!

Slight aside, but good Lord, please give me strength to ignore the people who 'don't know' what life admin is. Or don't have any themselves, and therefore, no one else could possibly have any, because everybody else's life is exactly the same as theirs. Argh. Yup, 5 min jobs. I have about 12 of them per day. Every day. No, I'm not listing them. Too busy doing them.

@TrendingHistory. That's not life admin, that's just part of being a (female) parent.

I think a lot of people are being unfair on here. You are well within your rights to want to spend your time with DC. We have both dropped to 3 days each with me doing 2 evenings and both sharing childcare responsibilities as we don not want to pay someone for childcare.we have no family help. Money is tight and we have a big mortgage. But we have 1 car, camping will be our holiday, no sky/netflix/amazon. The cheapest mobile packages and we try to limit our use of fuel for the car. This will only be for 4 years then one of us will go full time again. Its tough but you could see where you could save 350pm in your budget and forget any luxury. You could also look for some evening work even if its not your career or remote work that is not time constrained. There are options but you have to be prepared to compromise somewhere. Good luck

@Needanewhat

Nobody ever tells men that can't have it all.

They don't have it all though.

Men generally don't have the same high expectations as women and don't angst over the concept of having it all without even defining it!

I have just had a nice thought. Maybe the (presumably female) posters here who don't know what life admin is - maybe their husbands are doing it?!? That would be nice.

My husband will do any household job that you ask him to do but it drives me to frustration that he has to be ASKED! Why doesn’t he notice when there is mud all over the hall floor? Why doesn’t he notice that the fridge is empty?

He does notice, obviously, unless he is a moron. He just knows you will do it for him, because you do. Try not doing it. It's not a "man" thing.

@TrendingHistory did he manage a life before he met you?

I am so so guilty of taking things on because then I know they're done, that's not my husbands fault, it's all on me. It's not that he won't do them, it's that I lived alone for a lot longer than he did before we met and HAD to know these things were arranged/paid for etc that I'd find myself asking him if it was done.

I think too many of us are guilty of micromanaging our husbands because we, underlyingly, believe things wont happen if we don't tell them to. Yet in reality they, and us, have fallen into the habit of being in control of it.

I stopped being 'in charge' of all of the birthday presents a few years ago, everyone still gets presents and I have no involvement at all now.

OP I'm sorry you feel like that. Did you enjoy your job? My work is important to me, my career was what I worked hard on until I had kids and I can't imagine giving it up now. Perhaps you need to find you passion with work? I have moved role in my job and work part time with 2 under 3's and love my life. I do do most of the mental load but feel I can as I have two days at home to catch up which I love. Try and focus on the positives. You have a lovely child, a working mother is a good role model. Let the unimportant stuff slide. Imagine if you add more children in you'll be so stressed! Are there any changes you can make? Eg afford a cleaner if you're working?

I think it's swings and roundabouts. If you are a career driven professional who is not bothered about crafting or baking with her children then you'll be fine. If you have a relatively low paid job but want to spend time at home you're a bit stuffed.

At the end of the day, your current situation isn't working so I would be looking to adjust that.

For a start, ditch the weekly takeaway. That's an expensive treat that you don't need every week. You can cook something nicer on a Friday or buy something ready made which would be much cheaper.

Flog gear you no longer need.

Use charity shops, eBay and Freecycle for buying where possible.

Look at moving to a cheaper area.

Look at changing your job. I agree with a PP about looking at the NHS. It is pretty easy to start as an HCA and train to become a registered nurse. It may not be the easiest job but there are so many jobs that are part-time and you can work anywhere. The holiday and benefits are also good. Our Trust recruits every month (as they are pretty desperate!) and there is a pretty clear path to becoming a nurse.

Take action. There are solutions.

Don’t do it then.
If all you need is £350 a month then why not try to earn that while your partner is around- evenings/weekends?
I work part time around my partners hours to save us needing childcare.

@DelBocaVista

I’ve never witnessed a discussion about men trying to have it all .......and I research this for a living!

I suspect that’s because men in general tend to talk openly about their emotions and struggles less frequently than women. They tend to bottle it up, feel an immense pressure to be ‘the provider’. As I mentioned in a previous post my DH certainly finds trying to juggle work, child, family, relationship, and time for himself difficult. He would say it’s very difficult to have it all unless you have family support nearby for the kids. He can’t be alone in feeling that way, we’ve taken steps to help him cope and get more time to himself but he would never feel okay going and being alone for a bit or relaxing while our child is awake because he believes he needs to be with him and caring for him. He can’t be the only one. Life is tough balancing everything for men and women but the pressures are different depending on whether you feel the household’s financial survival depends on you, vs whether you feel you’re taking on the brunt of the mental load and childcare/housework.

In my line of work I talk to people intimately about very personal things regularly and though I see more women than men (there’s a much greater stigma against men seeking help), it’s certainly not uncommon to talk to men who really struggle with juggling work and a family, let alone other demands.

Threads like this are the reason I chose never to have children.

@arethereanyleftatall

I have just had a nice thought. Maybe the (presumably female) posters here who don't know what life admin is - maybe their husbands are doing it?!? That would be nice.

I thought this too.

If you don’t have any life admin, it’s likely because others are doing it for you. If you’re not even aware it exists then doubly so!

Even as a single woman without kids I had life admin. I had plenty of time for it, but it existed.

Always the men that have important jobs and have to work reeeallly long hours. If more men stepped up and said 'can't do the long hours, need to be at home to look after children etc' then the world would change. But the majorityu of men don't do this, mainly in my opinion, because they don't want to. They see anything child related, housework, life admin etc as womens work.

Is your DH earning overtime working all these hours? If not why is he working all these hours?

Women doing it all, not having it all.

@barelycoping1

As an aside, I hate the phrase “someone else raising my child”. A kid going to nursery is not having someone else raising them, you still raise them.

It doesn't feel like it if he's spending more time with other people than me.

Ugh. Let's put this attitude to rest please. I was in nursery from a very young age because my mum had no choice but to work and apparently I loved it and had favourite staff etc...I cannot now accurately recall the face of any member of nursery staff (including the ones I supposedly 'loved') or really many memories of nursery at all. BUT I do have really strong and clear memories from around the same age of lovely weekends, holidays and evenings spent with my parents. I have great childhood memories of quality time with my mum. She definitely raised me. Also I know some adults that I went to nursery with as a child who have turned out very very different to me. By your logic, because we went to nursery together, we had the same upbringing? Yiu sound like a great mum, OP, but dont think that quantity over quality means you are not raising your child

@TrendingHistory. I wasn't disagreeing with you, I was being sarcastic.

It's funny how, even though all that 'life admit' shit is so easy, men still can't be expcted to do it.

YANBU.

Working full or near full time and having kids is bloody hard. I am constantly chasing my arse and there is constantly a never ending list of things to be done.

I don't think the isolated way we live helps. The whole ' village to raise a child' thing is true. Or even in the 70's /80's when I grew up - kids really did entertain themselves with neighbour kids instead of today when there is pressure for parents (often mothers) to organise kids' leisure time and commercial activities, that kids have to be taken to and from) have taken the place of play for many.
I don't think its that great a time to be a kid either actually.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers of course he does those things and the children don't automatically come to me to remind me either! They know dad is as capable of logging on to a parent portal as I am... If I am not there and he is going to a birthday party be will buy a card and present, he's not a neanderthal and I don't feel the need to remind him.

Re the PP who said that career women are not bothered about crafting and baking with their children, you do realise we can do those things on weekends and holidays? I don't think many people judge their childhood based on Monday- Friday 9-5 only

The important thing to remember is expensive nursery isn’t for very long at all. They start age 1 then at 3 they get some free hours so it reduces, then they start school and you may need a cm or after school club - the tax scheme helps. My dc are now 9 and 13. Dh works from home so picks up from primary (older dc walks home) and they crack on while he works. So, now we don’t have any childcare costs despite both working full time.

I would also say, my dh is totally an equal re house/paperwork etc so that makes a difference.

@memberofthewedding watch out: someone will be along in a minute to ask what you’re doing on Mumsnet!

Crazycatsandkittens:
kids were mostly expected to amuse themselves. My mum and her siblings used to play out all day all weathers and only allowed home for meals. Babies were left in their prams
...........
I've never in my life heard of that. The idea of not being allowed indoors except for meals is ridiculous - and cruel. What about if the child wanted to stay at home to play and read? Gordon Bennett, I can't imagine how I would have felt if my mum had made me stay in the back garden. I might have wanted to be out there but to be forced to is a different matter altogether. What would happen if they wanted a wee?

If that happened nowadays, the parents would be reported to social services. I have visions of some poor kid or kids out the back in all weathers, wishing they could go inside and do something else.

As for babies left in their prams - if they were asleep it wouldn't matter where they were if mum was near enough to hear them if they woke, so I fail to see the relevance.

A child being allowed in the house when they want to be is not having a sense of entitlement, the house or flat is the child's home and they have as much right as the parents to be there.