To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

OP I get what you're saying as I felt like that with all 3 of my children. I'd longed to be a mum and loved the baby stage - felt so upset at the thought of missing out especially at the age where they change on a daily basis!
With my first I'd had the back to work interview when baby was a year. I felt sick. I just knew I couldn't do it even returning part time and that I would have to pay for childcare costs that would outweighs earnings part time. In the end, my OH and I looked through our finances and made cutbacks. I started my own business working from home which I continued until I had my 3rd child. I was also helping out my husband with his business at the time, so we managed to get by.
Once my youngest started school I ended up getting an employed job with longer working hours.
For me personally I feel so grateful I managed to make it work for me. I won't lie and say it was always easy - we struggled financially when my husband had no work coming in and there were tough times. However I'm really happy I got to be a SAHM and can't regret lost time.
Every situation is different for everybody though. It's a case of going through expenditures etc with a fine tooth comb and seeing where lifestyle changes, work etc can be changed. Good luck!

@CrazyCatsAndKittens

I agree that women are juggling a lot more these days. Sure it was more labor intensive back in the olden days but most women were stay at home mums and kids were mostly expected to amuse themselves. My mum and her siblings used to play out all day all weathers and only allowed home for meals. Babies were left in their prams. Nowadays many women are trying to juggle work, home life, kids, and so many other things. I think in the majority of families the bulk of the mental load falls on women.

kids were mostly expected to amuse themselves. My mum and her siblings used to play out all day all weathers and only allowed home for meals. Babies were left in their prams

What you're saying is that children were allowed to live their lives without helicopter paretns trying to micro-manage every second of their lives! From reading these pages it's clear that many parents take the attitude that they're the best ever because they manage their children's lives but that's their choice. When I read where mums take their new born into the shower/toilet with them I do find it funny and as for 'wearing' one's baby!!!!!!
Babies were not 'left in their prams' unless they were asleep, they were quite content to sleep on their own! Once they were more active they would be in a playpen or similar with whatever suitable toys etc they had.
Yes house prices/rents are very high but they're not at 15%+ interest as we had.

It's shit for you perhaps. I have a professional career part time around my two young DC, my husband owns a business, wfh and we share the childcare and the housework down the middle.

Your shortcomings are your career choices and your partner not sharing the burden of childcare and "life admin" with you. The amount of women still taking on all of the dross is just saddening.

I feel quite strongly that "life" gets more shit as more entitled opinions come to the fore, the feeling that if one person has a nice lifestyle, we should all be kept in that way - at what cost and who do you think is paying?

I certainly don't hanker for my mother's life. A SAHM with no independence or finances, doing odd jobs for cash in hand for nights out and spending money she usually dished out to us.

Whatever mockery people make out of work ethic, it's not going to hurt your DC to see their parents working and earning a living.

Seriously, people make such a fuss about "life admin". A lot of these tasks take five minutes and there is no "mental load".
I disagree. There is mental load, if you're the only person in the relationship to think about things.

I agree that some people make a huge amount of fuss about life admin. I wonder if they're the same people who like to announce how super busy they are in the workplace, and will include 'walking all the way to the printer' on their lists of reasons they're busy

@bigbaggyeyes I like that phrase 'expectations of standard of living'. Too often people want the same standard of living as those who go out to work when they don't want to, or they want to earn a great salary without any stress.

I don’t agree but my dd is 2 and I do remember dreading going back to work and putting her in nursery. Now though I see how much it has benefitted her and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I compressed my full time hours into 4 days so I get a day off with her every week and it’s been the best decision. I don’t want to give up my career and it makes me look forward to my time with her

The truth is, women as a societal group have always had a shit time and continue to have a shit time because men (bar one or two exceptions) are perfectly happy to profit from the unpaid labour that women do. Societal expectations that women will provide this unpaid labour make it difficult (although not impossible) for women to break the mould.

Breaking the mould is made even more difficult because the reality of the societal exploitation of women's labour is often not clear until after children have arrived. Before that, there is a lot less to do in general and so it is easier for lazy and misogynistic partners to slip under the radar. Many men claim that they want to be involved and equal partners in raising children and many women take their claims at face value. They may even mean it at the time. However, the sheer amount of work involved in having a child comes as a shock to many people and of course the whole system of maternity leave is geared at forcing women to take on the majority of that work. It is rare for the domestic burden to be redistributed equally between partners when a woman returns to work after maternity leave.

I agree with others who say that in the past when one parent (usually mother) was a SAHP expectations and standard of living in those households were generally lower.

When one salary covered all and you could one parent staying at home with the dc. But in reality they would have had a much lower standard of living

It’s true. I stayed at home until mine started school. Most people did in those days. We lived in a rented flat with no car or central heating. I owned one pair of shoes and we’d have laughed at the idea of a holiday. In those days (late 70s) it was pretty much accepted that you’d be poor if you had small children.

@barelycoping1

The thing is that women also shoulder a lot of the invisible labour. Child needs a fancy dress costume? Your problem. Weekend birthday party requiring presents? Your problem. Kids are outgrowing their nappies/clothes/shoes? Your problem.

Soooo true!

Your child has two parents. Can you say 'oh by the way can you get DS some new shoes on Saturday please ' without a problem? If no , there is your problem

@anothercovidxmas

I disagree that there are no men that carry the mental load. DH and I divide what needs doing from 'admin' to housework to children, we communicate and one will pick up more if the other has a lot on to maintain the status quo. Just because lots of posters don't have experience of this doesn't mean it doesn't happen or isn't possible.

Has your DH ever organised a world book day costume without your knowledge or input, has he ever loaded the parent portal with money without being asked, has he ever gone and chosen another kids bday birthday present completely unprompted ?

@ChaBishkoot

I think the problem is that we ACCEPT that the default is that women will do the school pick up/drop off, dinners, bulk of the laundry, and all the life admin (including buying Christmas presents for our partner’s family) and we are frequently told to be grateful if men take the trash out and mow the lawn.

It’s the fact that we set the bar for women as high as we can get. And we set the bar for men as low as possible. That’s why modern life is shit.

Couldn't agree more.

Decluttering is a project in itself, it's not day to day admin (well it can be if you eg pick a drawer or cupboard to look in each day or week).

As for buying uniform etc that's not "admin" it's just part of being a parent and is "shopping".

Seriously, people make such a fuss about "life admin". A lot of these tasks take five minutes and there is no "mental load".

Then why do a lot of men find these tasks so difficult? Along with lots of things which are "just part of being a parent"?

My DC is 6 months, he’ll be going to nursery 3 days a week when he is 12 months so I can go back to work full time. I could be a SAHM if I wanted (DP’s salary would more than cover our needs), but I’m on a decent salary and I want a career and independence, an identity outside being someone’s mum. I was raised by a SAHM who suffered with depression and had no direction or independence. She was miserable, I was miserable. I think if I’m happy, my DC will benefit. So I don’t think modern life is shit for mums, but it may not work for all mums.

I’ve never met a man who took on 50% of the mental load. Not even close. I’ve also never met one who did 50% of the housework and childcare. I suspect you’re being very generous with your definition of a man pulling his weight

And I suspect your man is shit and you need to think everyone elses is so you don't regret your choice so much. There are plenty of men that do half or more.

Seriously, people make such a fuss about "life admin". A lot of these tasks take five minutes and there is no "mental load".

Mental load isn't just doing these tasks or delegating- it's remembering and knowing that these tasks need to happen in the first place.

If it's all on you then it's exhausting.

This is exactly why I realised i stopped at one DC. We were renting a damp mouldy house when DS came along and had no hope of moving. I knew I should have another but I was 41 and a SAHM. I had to give up my full time job and take cleaning work. We just couldn't afford another DC and I was way too exhausted. We eventually found our own house but by that time I was 45 and we never had another DC. Life is bloody hard but we have to count our blessings and try not to dwell on what we can't have.
I wish you happiness whatever happens.

@barelycoping1

It doesn’t feel like it’s better for me to work right now - it feels like I’m stuck in a rat race with little quality of life, barely any money anyway (despite working) and no time. I just feel like life is passing me by at breakneck speed and I do the same stressful routine every day. Just fed up I guess.

Do you think life was better when women had zero choice? Not everyone enjoyed staying at home and playing house, and it didn't come without its financial hardship in many cases too.

It is horrible. Whilst I agree we have a lot of “help” now (washing machines, dishwashers etc) we have also lost the “village” and therefore we have lost the ability to choose.
My grandmothers could choose to be SAHM or have jobs if they wanted, one was part time in a shop and the other had a full time role, because their children were taken care of by the neighbours, their mums or their friend who only did some ironing on fridays. There was no huge nursery fee to pay, no horrific mortgage, their council houses were bought in the 60s for a song and a prayer which they had easily saved.
Not saying it was easy for them but certainly they had more options for childcare, work and even though they couldn’t afford Uni, when you average out the wages my grandparents were on a lot more money than myself and my husband with a lot less expenses. Financially and childcare wise they were definitely better off.

@Loveacoseynightin

I think is women have been sold a pup on we can have it all. We really can't and I think western society needs to address this.

I disagree. Nobody ever tells men that can't have it all. It's just that we've still git a long way to go before women have equality

I had three children-stayed at home until they started school (which is a tough gig in itself sometimes)
I became a childminder for a few years and that helped finances but
I clearly remember having to say no to the children having things or doing activities quite a bit. Things like buying clothes for myself or husband was a big deal.

And I suspect your man is shit and you need to think everyone elses is so you don't regret your choice so much. There are plenty of men that do half or more.

Some men are great at doing their share. Maybe lots of men are great. But research shows that the majority are shit. So it's not an 'individual choice' to have a shit partner for many women. Because the majority of men don't pull their weight.

I agree that modern life is rubbish but arent you being just a tad sexist?Its absolutely rubbish that both wages are now needed to maintain one household, but it's also unfair to saddle men with all the responsibility for bringing in the money. In our case, both Dh and I would like to work part-time (him more than me) but cant afford it. Not sure why men are having such a whale of a time right now

Then why do a lot of men find these tasks so difficult? Along with lots of things which are "just part of being a parent"?
They don't find them difficult.
They are being lazy.
They know that if they pretend to be useless or (to quote a mumsnetter months ago) 'not see mess' then their partner will do it for them.

I doubt all these men are useless at work. Do you think they find it too difficult to order some equipment? Do you think they find it too difficult to pick up the phone and call a contractor? Too difficult to organise invoices be paid?
Of course not, because being that useless at work would make the man look bad.

Do you think these men were incapable of remembering to buy milk before cohabiting? Do you think it was too difficult for them to remember their car's MOT? Do you think it was too difficult for them them book a dentist check up before marriage?
Of course not. They'll have lived as independent adults.

Nobody ever tells men that can't have it all.

They don't have it all though.