To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

These threads are always so depressing. The woman talks about juggling work, raising the kids, cooking, housework, admin - where the fuck is her partner in all of this?

100%. Working long hours is so much less stressful than juggling everything.

So many men have a housekeeper and nanny on tap 24/7 in the form of their OH. Do you know what the market value of that kind of service is? Often, the women is also working to bring in income as well as managing fucking everything else.

@Needanewhat - completely agree! Felt completely different after baby was here. Unfortunately I have had to go back to work but never realised how much I wouldn’t want to. Always been very career driven. I think I could have planned differently but honestly had no idea I would feel as I do.

@TrendingHistory

I’ve never met a man who took on 50% of the mental load. Not even close. I’ve also never met one who did 50% of the housework and childcare. I suspect you’re being very generous with your definition of a man pulling his weight.

Agreed!

I’ve never met a man who took on 50% of the mental load. Not even close. I’ve also never met one who did 50% of the housework and childcare. I suspect you’re being very generous with your definition of a man pulling his weight.

Yep, I'm sorry, I have to agree with that.

@LolaSmiles couldn't agree more. DH and I both work full time, both in supervisory roles. He still manages to work his 8-4 and I my 9-5 hours. He does the cm pickup and also hoovers and gets tea started before I get home with baby from nursery.

It works for us because we are both on the same page and both pull our weight equally.

I too think many people 'milk' the life admin stuff, I've got a kid in nursery, a kid in reception and yet never seem to get snowed under with uniform requirements/bill payments/'admin' stuff

@Needanewhat

Some of us have marvellous husbands and fathers to their children.

I think mine is a marvellous husband and father (especially considering his mother still changed his bedding and did his laundry right up until he left home for uni, so by rights he should be absolutely awful), and he's certainly MUCH tidier than I am (and way better at housework) but I still don't think he takes on an equal share of the mental load. He definitely recognises that and takes steps to change it.

OP, buy a cheap house, dh find work he can do from anywhere. Buy a van, load up and off you go. You have the house as a base. Don't send child to childcare or nursery and home educate for a while. Not for everyone, but we never looked back. It's my culture though, so easy for us to make the decision.

@ChaBishkoot

You can’t simultaneously say ‘we need to classify looking after children as work and value it’ (we should btw) and say ‘but X works longer hours and shouldn’t have to do housework.’

If you value your parenting then everything else other than parenting and paid work should be split equally.
But somehow parenting in the SAHM context also seems to mean ‘doing absolutely everything from cooking to laundry to buying Christmas presents.’ And we have a plethora of exhausted SAHMs on multiple threads whose husbands are total dickheads and who are probably as exhausted as they would be if they went to work and now don’t have an income.

Parenting is work and when he was at work and I was at home or vice versa we both considered ourselves to be working. Once the person at work returned home they didn’t get to just kick back and relax, they pitched in and usually took over so the person who’d been parenting all day could have a bit of a break, housework was shared. Cooking was more my domain as I enjoyed it so he picked up more of the household jobs. I look at some of my parent friends with partners who do very little and feel so sorry for them, I can’t imagine being seen as the household skivvy like that. To this day some of them feel unable to leave the house without a list of instructions around how to care for the toddler.

The woman talks about juggling work, raising the kids, cooking, housework, admin - where the fuck is her partner in all of this? Why do so many of us accept this bullshittery? Raising a family and running a home with another person is a partnership. We all deserve to be with someone who takes responsibility for their share of the work

You might accept it, I don't. Why would I? My DH does more than half the housework and at least 50% of the kid work. I work longer hours.

If you're not with someone who does half, who is that on except you and him?

Whoops, don't know why I quoted, apologies.

How many men though do you know 'have it all'? I doubt the ones that are entirely financially responsible for their families, have SAHMs who want to hand the kids over as soon as they get in the door and get slagged off for having 'hobbies' feel like they have it all!

@Needanewhat

I think is women have been sold a pup on we can have it all. We really can't and I think western society needs to address this.

^ I agree with that.

And that is by males becoming equal partners including sharing household tasks. No more dinner ready for you darling

I was lone parent to 3 and working nearly full time. It s doable. Dc are fine! They don't think they were "raised by strangers" .

I got to stay at home by becoming a childminder. It seemed like a good idea at the time, particularly watching my more career minded friends struggle with nursery fees, work stress and mum guilt..
HOWEVER, (sorry to shout) I really really regret it now. I am currently trying to build some kind of career late in life on the back of a succession of poorly paid 'fit round the kids' jobs and it's miserable and lonely and scary. My friends who invested in their careers when young mums are overall much happier and far far more financially independant and I admire their foresight. I would absolutely counsel you to tweak things that might make your balance better, but never lose sight of the bigger picture.

Hi OP

I know you addressed this above but nursery dont 'raise' kids...unless you think that everyone stops raising their kids at 4 when they go to school and it becomes the teachers job.

I'd give it some time. You'll see from lots of posts on here that plenty of people don't like being SAHP as much as they thought they would. When you're on maternity leave you've got friends who are doing the same, and a portable baby. It can be quite different with an older toddler who gets bored when they drop their naps and needs to be entertained all the time. It's so hard leaving your baby at nursery at first and if I'm being brutally honest I do think 13 months is too young (both mine started nursery before that) as they dont understand. Compounded by the settling back into work, the baby grumpy because they don't nap as well at nursery, and the million nursery bugs they pick up in the first year, that first year being back at work is hectic and can be a bit miserable and you can feel like you're spending all your time rushing everywhere and looking after a cranky baby.

But fast forward 12 months...you'll have a routine, a toddler with a more robust immune system who has made their own little friends and likes going into nursery, who arent knackered when you pick them up and you can spend a bit more quality time with them. For me, everything felt like it fell into place later on and I was glad I hadn't given up work.

If you're 350 up a month from working now, you will be much better off when your child gets free nursery hours.

Is going part time an option if you want any extra time with the baby now?

Could you pay for a cleaner out of the money you get by working to make sure that the time you have with your baby is quality time and not spent on chores?

@Loveacoseynightin

I think is women have been sold a pup on we can have it all. We really can't and I think western society needs to address this.

But lots of women do. I do think a major factor is the amount of groundwork you put in before you actually start to have the kids though.

I was lone parent to 3 and working nearly full time. It s doable. Dc are fine! They don't think they were "raised by strangers"

So was my mum. I'm one of four. She was (is) a wonderful mum. She HAD to work full time, no other choice. My Dad fucked off, she had to keep a roof over our heads. We were all "fine". It doesn't mean that was what was best for us, there was just no other choice.

I'm lucky. I have the choice to do what I feel is best for my son.

Not unreasonable. With my first child I was back at work within months, having to juggle a very demanding job whilst my marriage fell apart because the nice guy (and he was a a nice guy) I had to carry him - paid most of the mortgage, paid most of the bills, did most of the childcare, did most of the housework.

So for child number 2, with a different husband, I did the opposite and stayed at home which was fantastic - but also much needed as DS has complex needs - but again shafted as husband has held on to the money, driving a ridiculously hard settlement in divorce so I have the time with my child (who needs it) but I’ve not got a very uncertain financial future.

It all totally sucks!

I think poorer women always had a lack of choice. Im my grandmothers day she had to stay at home doing housework and raie 4 kids. I've had to go to work.
Its really not too late to retrain in another career. In guessing you have 30ish years before you get your state pension?
Its widely accepted that women still bear the brunt of domestic tasks- just look at the threads on mumsnet.
It gets easier when the kids start school. Your in the thick of it now- its hard

I actually don't think it does get easier when they start school. Apart from the cost, practically it's a lot easier to work when your kids are pre-school age as nurseries are open 50 weeks of the year. When they're at school you have to sort wraparound care as well as cover all the holidays.

We tend to look at the 'olden days' through Rose tinted glasses. When one salary covered all and you could one parent staying at home with the dc. But in reality they would have had a much lower standard of living. My dad had a good job and mum was a sahp, but I remember asking mum why dad was riding his pushbike to work one week, and it was because he'd bought us an ice cream in the weekend and that was his petrol money gone.

I believe that if you want to be a sahp then you can, but you may have to reset your expectations around your standard of living. As the op said she's 350 a month worse off if she stayed home. I'm sure she could make that 350 a month saving by stopping doing something and cutting back. But like most of us, we want everything and now!

@countrypunk

These threads are always so depressing. The woman talks about juggling work, raising the kids, cooking, housework, admin - where the fuck is her partner in all of this? Why do so many of us accept this bullshittery? Raising a family and running a home with another person is a partnership. We all deserve to be with someone who takes responsibility for their share of the work.

I wonder if there are corresponding threads on male aimed forums about the challenges of having it all!

There might be tbf, I know DH finds it hard balancing a demanding career (medicine) with caring for our toddler, studying for work, housework, and trying to find some space and time for himself and friendships. Don’t think it matters whether you’re male or female, the more elements of life you add and have to juggle the more challenging it becomes. There are only so many hours in the day!

I disagree that there are no men that carry the mental load. DH and I divide what needs doing from 'admin' to housework to children, we communicate and one will pick up more if the other has a lot on to maintain the status quo. Just because lots of posters don't have experience of this doesn't mean it doesn't happen or isn't possible.

I’ve never met a man who took on 50% of the mental load. Not even close. I’ve also never met one who did 50% of the housework and childcare. I suspect you’re being very generous with your definition of a man pulling his weight
This is depressing.
There's thread after thread where people discuss the need for men to step up and do their share, but then when some women say "actually my husband does", they're promptly told by other women that it must be bullshit.

Patriarchy has it made! Even when men are agents for change we can't acknowledge it because it might ruffle feathers in other relationship.

Can you get new school shoes, the next size up of clothes, wellies, trainers, coats etc on DD? How about last minute school play costumes? Slips to sign and return with money for school? Out of school clubs (renewing, sorting uniforms/equipment, emails about changes to where/when/how week to week)?
What about getting rid of clutter? Is there a DD for that

That isn't "life admin", it's just the odd task that comes along every so often.

Decluttering is a project in itself, it's not day to day admin (well it can be if you eg pick a drawer or cupboard to look in each day or week).

As for buying uniform etc that's not "admin" it's just part of being a parent and is "shopping".

Seriously, people make such a fuss about "life admin". A lot of these tasks take five minutes and there is no "mental load".

actually don't think it does get easier when they start school. Apart from the cost, practically it's a lot easier to work when your kids are pre-school age as nurseries are open 50 weeks of the year. When they're at school you have to sort wraparound care as well as cover all the holidays

I agree, I think the time it gets easier is when they are teenagers and they can walk , or get the bus from school and can have short periods of time being at home alone. This made a huge difference to me.