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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think modern life is shit for mums

999 replies

barelycoping1 · 26/05/2021 10:59

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 26/05/2021 14:29
  • response vilify - nfi, should be ‘responsibility’
Needanewhat · 26/05/2021 14:29

I think we're addressing the balance now with some (not all yet) men contributing properly.

I honestly haven't come across a single man who has contributed "properly". Yes plenty cook and clean but how many also take on the mental load?

Original poster
barelycoping1 · 26/05/2021 14:29

I'm afraid op, there are choices you've made along the way which result in where you are now. The decision for either of you not to train for a well paid career. The decision to have children before you'd saved enough to be a sahm.

I don't know your situation, but many people are sahps and loving it. They got there through maybe working their arse off in their twenties for example, amongst umpteen other options.

This is true.

OP posts:
Snackz · 26/05/2021 14:29

@barelycoping1 We're in exactly the same situation. My baby will be starting nursery when she is 6 months old as we can't afford for me to be off any longer.

She is a very happy and settled baby so I'm hoping this continues when she starts nursery. I feel awful sending her but like you, we couldn't afford not to.

I've heard a lot of positive stories of babies going to nursery and it being a good thing for them which is what we're focusing on.

I'm sure your a brilliant Mum and in years to come, your child will appreciate how hard you worked.

Hope this is some reassurance for you Smile

Needanewhat · 26/05/2021 14:30

Imagine losing the skills of half the childbearing age population in the workplace as they are stuck at home

I agree with you in principle but do you not see how problematic your language around SAHMs is here. "Stuck" indeed!

IgglePiggleHater · 26/05/2021 14:30

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

Others are right though, I should have planned this financially far in advance. I regret not getting my life planned out when I was younger!

Your OH should have planned this better too. After all, you're a person, not a slave. Why isn't he recognising that you have too much on your plate to enjoy your child and your life and stepping up to take some of it off your shoulders?

DelBocaVista · 26/05/2021 14:31

@MyDcAreMarvel

You can thank the last generation of feminists for that op. The desire to “have it all” have meant that it most areas two wages are needed to run a home unless one is a very high earner. I am thankful I live in a cheap area of the country and my dh earns well above average. The selfishness of other women wanting “choices” have made it incredibly difficult for others to do so.
Of course, lets blame women for the structural barriers and inequalities that exist in society. As for women wanting choices I mean, how dare they? Do they not know their place??
Needanewhat · 26/05/2021 14:32

Women still don't have choices.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/05/2021 14:32

There's a few @Needanewhat
Not enough.
I remember being at a party and a little boy came up to his dad - his dad!!- and said 'dad, did you bring me any spare socks?' He duly looked in his bag etc. The mum was sat right next to him deep in conversation, prosecco in hand. Scary that it is so rare I remember it!

Original poster
barelycoping1 · 26/05/2021 14:33

Your OH should have planned this better too. After all, you're a person, not a slave. Why isn't he recognising that you have too much on your plate to enjoy your child and your life and stepping up to take some of it off your shoulders?

He works very long hours so not sure how that would be possible really. I think we both just don't know how to make life easier for and more enjoyabel for ourselves, though this thread has given me some ideas.

OP posts:
IgglePiggleHater · 26/05/2021 14:34

I honestly haven't come across a single man who has contributed "properly". Yes plenty cook and clean but how many also take on the mental load?

My experience too. The "good" ones will share the cooking and the cleaning and help when told to, but actually taking overall responsibility for anything (ensuring homework is done, ensuring there is clean uniform and sports kit, packing school/nursery bags, booking dentist and doctor appointments, organising presents etc.) seems beyond 95% of men.

It is no wonder that women with young children who work have such a stressful experience compared to a lot of men with young children who work.

Ellpellwood · 26/05/2021 14:35

Why others feel such comments are derogatory when they are happy with their choices, beats me.

True, true. Sure, the SAHMs wouldn't comment in response if I started a thread and said I didn't want to be a SAHM, because I feel it's selfish putting the full financial burden of the household on my partner. Cause they're secure in their choices.

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 26/05/2021 14:35

I don’t think it’s right to say someone else is bringing him up because he goes to nursery. If moms don’t feel shitty enough then that statement certainly will do it.

Surely you thought of all this before having him?

DelBocaVista · 26/05/2021 14:35

@Needanewhat

Women still don't have choices.
All women?

Or just some women?
Because, some women do have choices but it is important to recognise the structural barriers that are unique to women and their choices around work.

Italiandreams · 26/05/2021 14:37

@TrendingHistory I agree. If men were more affected by it things would probably be very different!

AnneTwackie · 26/05/2021 14:37

This is why I became a childminder while my children were young. I took on children around the age of my own and feel like I’ve given my kids a lovely life

InThoseDiscussions · 26/05/2021 14:37

I'm in my 60's so a totally different outlook but I think there's a lot of self indulgence on this thread.
Women these days have lots of choices, sometimes they make the wrong ones.

Rosebel · 26/05/2021 14:38

I hate having to work although it's only part time. Even worse is that my son hates nursery and cries a lot.
I'd love to be a SAHM. My mum was and certainly when I was born we had a washing machine, fridge freezer etc. My parents both had cars and took us abroad.
We can only afford one car and can't go abroad. Our television was given to us by our neighbour.
So no I don't believe it was worse in the 80s (perhaps we were just lucky). I think it's worse now. Even if you don't have to work there's an expectation that you should which is ridiculous.
Unless my husbands salary dramatically increases though I have no choice but to be a working mum.

FuckingFabulous · 26/05/2021 14:38

I am a SAHM. Yes, all the reasons you state. But also, it's been such a career break that I am basically now considered unskilled and would need to retrain in order to have any chance of working my way back up.

Keep your hand in. Even if it's only three days a week. You'll be glad you did. I don't regret being home with my children but I know the damage it's done to my work prospects, so there's really no easy answer

vomcomvomcom · 26/05/2021 14:39

If you’re finding it that upsetting why don’t you quit your job and ask your child’s dad to do some overtime or take on a second job? Surely you knew when you had a child you’d need to work and not care for them? Why is it coming as such a shock now?

Original poster
barelycoping1 · 26/05/2021 14:39

If moms don’t feel shitty enough then that statement certainly will do it.

Not all mums do feel shit though. Some of my friends send their children to nursery and tell me they honestly love it, because they say it's very beneficial for their child, they like having a break from their kids and they love their jobs too. They genuinely feel they've got the best of both worlds and I think they probably do.

Sadly though I don't feel that way - we're not all the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
barelycoping1 · 26/05/2021 14:40

If you’re finding it that upsetting why don’t you quit your job and ask your child’s dad to do some overtime or take on a second job?

Erm, because that would be hugely unfair on my DH? He already works crazy long hours!

OP posts:
Popcornbetty · 26/05/2021 14:40

*'Personally I don’t think £350 per month would be worth it to me at all. I could find £350 savings somewhere or sell my clothing and clutter for less effort than going to work for effectively nothing.
Think of all the extra time getting to work etc and prepping dc for childcare and then missing out on being with them. Just seems like a really crap deal to me'

I agree with this alot ^ It wasn't worth it for me either esp by the time i factored in travel costs and my second child. I realise some people really don't have a choice or want to work for various reasons which is great as well. The mortgage idea sounds good that a pp suggested.

Devlesko · 26/05/2021 14:41

@Needanewhat

I think we're addressing the balance now with some (not all yet) men contributing properly.

I honestly haven't come across a single man who has contributed "properly". Yes plenty cook and clean but how many also take on the mental load?

Most men I know take on the mental load? Mine does/did. He also knows more about school stuff than me, as he looks more often. Just because most women these days have a low bar, don't tar us all with the same brush. Some of us have marvellous husbands and fathers to their children. Although, I think many men these days have been raised appallingly, perhaps they should have had a parent at home to teach them.
Lavinia321 · 26/05/2021 14:42

If you’re only making £350 extra per month after child care then it seems to me that you should pretty easily be able to be a SAHM and do something during the evenings for a few hours a week to make up that £350 without paying for childcare.

Surely there is something you can do from home in the evenings that would earn you £80 per week? Even if you took a couple of evening shifts in a pub per week you should be able to earn that while your DH is home to look after your child.