To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

You can’t simultaneously say ‘we need to classify looking after children as work and value it’ (we should btw) and say ‘but X works longer hours and shouldn’t have to do housework.’

If you value your parenting then everything else other than parenting and paid work should be split equally.
But somehow parenting in the SAHM context also seems to mean ‘doing absolutely everything from cooking to laundry to buying Christmas presents.’ And we have a plethora of exhausted SAHMs on multiple threads whose husbands are total dickheads and who are probably as exhausted as they would be if they went to work and now don’t have an income.

I agree. The psychologist Oliver James wrote about this.

It almost seems sometimes as though women working has doubled the work force and halved the salaries. You are right too about house prices now having gone up in line with two salaries.

I am fro a much older generation and it is now a mystery as how, remembering a street I lived on as a child, none of the mothers were working, some had four children, but no one was starving even no one there was rich at all. For example one dad of four was a dustman, one was a vicar, op be had a small shop etc.

Life had fewer luxuries though. Mums sewed and knitted, washed nappies by hand, struggled with coal fires and no central heating, not many had cars, few holiday days etc many may have been renting as we were at that time.

It was bad though that women could not get a mortgage on their own, had less choice of work and had no real way out if things went wrong because of not often being able to be truly independent.

Two salaries weren't routinely needed to pay for a mortgage on an average home though. That seems to me to be a relatively modern phenomenon.

So, so true. But then, harking back to my grandparents days where the woman stayed at home (and I’m not young by the way), families were large. My grandparents were one of 13 in one case and 4 in another. Staying home was well and good but came with a million other issues that women back then would kill to be free if now with a choice of having paid employment and being independent.

Being a stay at home mum in ‘the old days’ meant technology wasn’t the greatest and just keeping up with household laundry was a full time job. That meant stay at home mum didn’t get time to sit and daze adoringly at the kids and play ring-a-rosy, the kids were left alone to look after each other and raise themselves while women did never ending essential domestic chores such as washing, baking bread every day etc. My grandparent was a female and had the disadvantage of being the oldest female of the children. They meant her education stopped at primary school and she then had to stay home to look after younger siblings while mum did essential household chores from sun up to an down. Not exactly a panacea I’d want to return to!

Being a stay at home mum also meant putting up with less than ideal situations because you had no choice as you had no money to support your kids as an alternative. My grandfathers family ‘only’ had 4 kids as his father died early in a work accident. The whole family rejoiced at this as he was a violent alcoholic. Women didn’t work back then so his mum had no choice other than to stay with the man she had married or she couldn’t house or feed her kids. She nearly died at one point as she had an abortion (backyard in those days) as she couldn’t fathom bringing another child into such a shit domestic situation. She was constantly physically abused and so were the kids. But they had a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs.

Given this I have always worked. Yes, it was fucking hard when kids were young, no sleep and stretched in every direction. But in my mind there were no alternatives. I imagine if my female ancestors were given the choice they would have leapt at it with both hands and if they were around today would think I had gone mad if I put myself in the position they were in which was never by choice but a restriction of society of the time.

YABVVU.

You are not unreasonable to feel the way you do but £350 a month left over is not to be sneezed at.

I am older than you with two adult children but I went to work, part time for a few years, and I think it benefitted me in many ways other than financially. My children were extremely content. Had they not been, I would have made alternative arrangements.

Women who work still have quality time with their kids.

You say that one salary used to pay for all in the past. That is true but it is quite far in the past! My mum didn't go to work but quite honestly she would have been more of an all round person if she had, and we would have had a higher standard of living (I'm not complaining, it wasn't bad by the standards of the day 61 years ago). There is no doubt I would also have benefitted from being with people other than my parents.

It is about so much more than money, it is about women having some status other than being a housewife, dependent on husband (I realise there are men who stay at home too but you and I are women as are most on this message board).

I don't know anyone nowadays who doesn't work, at least part time, and most people did when my kids were young.

Out of your left over money, you could pay someone to clean for you without breaking the bank.That would certainly make life easier.

Nevertheless you can't help how you feel at this moment, op, and you are certainly not alone. I hope you get used to it and see the benefits eventually. There are plenty of stay-at-home-parents who find life extremely hard in all ways.

These feelings and situations do not last and, generally, people become better off in time.

Life is never perfect. Congratulations on your lovely one year old, you are blessed!

You can thank the last generation of feminists for that op. The desire to “have it all” have meant that it most areas two wages are needed to run a home unless one is a very high earner.
I am thankful I live in a cheap area of the country and my dh earns well above average.
The selfishness of other women wanting “choices” have made it incredibly difficult for others to do so.

It has always been hard when kids are little. That's not to say it couldn't and shouldn't be a lot better.

Then when they get to school there is a whole new level of life admin. And you will find yourself doing a lot more than your parents did when you were at school.

The best thing is though that kids really make you sort your priorities out - I'm sure you will make it work in the end, OP.

I agree with you to a certain extent OP.

I think women had a more difficult time practically in the past - a lot more physical work around the home and having to shop more often, walk everywhere, less money etc etc. Doing everything for the kids with very little input from dad, if any, plus doing everything for him too.

Whereas now we live so much more comfortable lives in that sense, but emotionally and mentally it can be difficult to reconcile it all.

I think the expectations on mothers are still very similar to what they always were, but it's not possible to fulfil all of that to the same extent when you're also trying to juggle a full-time job.

To those saying I was insensitive with the "raise" comment - you're right, raise was the wrong word.

What I mean is, I wish I didn't have to pay someone else to look after my child when I want to do it myself (and would rather be with my child than at work). I'm sure some will have an issue with me saying that as well, but that is how I feel and if I'm gonna be lambasted for saying that then so be it.

@TrendingHistory , job shares cost schools more to employ and for things like safeguarding etc needs double the amount of training. There are very few jobs shares in school leadership as school won’t accept them. They lose a lot of women in their 30’s and it’s something that is topical at the moment so maybe it will change. I hope so.

We have more choices than women used to have but many appear to want it all then moan they aren't happy with their choices

What isn't an option for many women is to work unencumbered by the shit parts of life (housework, coordinating everything, the mental load, balancing childcare and work), and then spend quality time with the kids reading them a bedtime story at night or taking them to the park for an ice-cream at the weekend. Happy all the time that if the kids forget their PE kit or they're unwell or there's a staff inset day, this is someone else's problem to deal with. As is cooking dinner.

A surprising number of men have this option available to them.

Yet even women who are the main or sole earner while their husbands earn less or are SAHPs seem to land up with a lot of the shit still on their plate. They just don't seem to have the option of ditching the domestic shit available to them in the same way that men do.

One of the reasons women want to be SAHPs is that, far from having it all, they end up having to do it all.

Barelycoping. Theres a Flip side. I was a sahm for over aDecade, im not getting a divorce and financially buggered because i havent worked for all that time and am now older. Hang on to your job, mayne see if you can go part time, but I agree, women are screwed either way.

Im mow getting a divorce that should say

@MyDcAreMarvel

You can thank the last generation of feminists for that op. The desire to “have it all” have meant that it most areas two wages are needed to run a home unless one is a very high earner. I am thankful I live in a cheap area of the country and my dh earns well above average. The selfishness of other women wanting “choices” have made it incredibly difficult for others to do so.

Bollocks to blaming feminists. Imagine women wanting to earn their own money and be financially independent of a man. Imagine losing the skills of half the childbearing age population in the workplace as they are stuck at home. Capitalism has created the current position- particularly since house prices went up exponentially. Plus the fact no-one in my family has been a SAHP, always both parents were working. That was the norm for most people, throughout history.

Others are right though, I should have planned this financially far in advance. I regret not getting my life planned out when I was younger!

I think women had it much much harder in the past, whilst men lived the life of Riley. 9-5, that's them done, feet up. Women 24-7 dc, chores with no gadgets, some working too, around the dc of course.
I think we're addressing the balance now with some (not all yet) men contributing properly.

I'm afraid op, there are choices you've made along the way which result in where you are now. The decision for either of you not to train for a well paid career. The decision to have children before you'd saved enough to be a sahm.

I don't know your situation, but many people are sahps and loving it. They got there through maybe working their arse off in their twenties for example, amongst umpteen other options.

It seems the choice you have now to become a sahp is to work opposite shifts to your dh. (But less hours for one or both of you as no childcare costs).

When I had kids I believed the response vilify was mine to look after them if needed. That meant housing, clothing, feeding, educating, giving a good standard of life. I worked in order to enable this for my kids so I never had to rely on DH. DH and I are still married several decades on with adult children but what if he died and had cancelled his life insurance without my knowledge, or gambled savings away or a million other possibilities. As far as I was concerned if I brought kids into the world I was ultimately responsible for them. That meant working and being stretched and n every which way when they were young. Sure, my DH had been responsible and a good family man over the decades. That’s a bonus. His salary has been a most welcome bonus, I’ve never relied on it.

I think a lot of the problem is that society still sees looking after children day to day as "women's work" and therefore completely unimportant and/or drudgery. This is a combination of misogyny and not valuing the importance of children's wellbeing and mental health. Hence why those working in childcare are so woefully underpaid and undervalued.

Sadly you also see it from other women - look at this thread. Scores of women not seeing being at home with one's children as useful work and deriding mothers who SAH for being "financially dependent on a man".

350 and pension paid and paid leave.
That s good money for your ds and you and dh.
And in few years childcare costs go down
(As expenses for child go up! Gadgets and activities...)

Move to smaller property or cheaper area if you choose to

It s a hard slog but you have lots of time with ds and extra money

Your grandparents see with Rose tinted eyes I bet life was slog of laundry and scrubbing

If you don't have choice financially and may do not then just own it and be positive.

Enjoy your time you do have with ds without regrets

Stop ironing to make life easier

@PlanetOfTheApesLives

I disagree *@barelycoping1*

No one needs to live in a particular house with a big mortgage. So many are guilty if joining the keeping up with the Jones'. We can control our lives if we really want to....more simple life with what we want to do, where we live etc

People get on the rat race, got to do better educationally, financially, hoy to have it all or more than others....we all have choices to make.

You don't like it then sit down and sort it. Some people leave the rat race and take another way....you can do it if you want to.

I do agree with this, we have control over our lives, mostly. We left the rat race and live on one small salary, we just aren't very materialistic, don't need expensive holidays as happy with our lives and don't feel the need to get away from our normal life. Lowest mortgage offered and worked our way up from 2 bed terrace. I learned early that the more money you earned the more flesh you had to contribute, even working for myself. Once the kids came along it was a no brainer, I became a sahm from a high paying career and dh usually works about 10 hours a week. He does more than 50% of domestic work, did his fair share of parenting all the driving, household admin, like bills. All the heavy work and high stuff I can't reach He can clean all the windows not just half way up.

Ah, sorry, cross post op!

MyDcAreMarvel what total rubbish!

Really, that was one if the worst, most women-hating posts I've ever read on here.