To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

Yep, I’ve been saying this for years. I choose to work but I also know we wouldn’t be able to survive if I was a SAHM

Blame the property investors, second home owners and landlords. Blame the government for allowing foreigners to buy up our family homes because it is a safe investment.

We have a housing crisis which the government refuses to acknowledge or do anything about.

Listening to Dominic Cummings revelations today, I don’t hold out much hope for the government being able to solve the housing crisis anytime soon. It’s only going to get worse. So perhaps just be grateful that you’ve actually got a mortgage as you’re one of the lucky ones. That’s how I tend to look at it- younger people won’t even be able to afford a house, let alone a family.

Couchbettato
...and who would pay for this universal basic income? those who chose to work I suppose. Everyone should work if they can. If they can’t due to health/disability issues then there should be adequate financial support and help to find work that may be possible.

I agree with PP that if you want to be a SAHM it takes a lot of forward planning. It’s not usually something you can just decide to do after the baby is here. DH and I planned for me to be a SAHM for probably about 5 years prior to having children. We practised living on one salary for years and put the other into savings, which meant no fancy holidays etc. We bought a house in terms of size and location that we could afford on only one salary. We know holidays, luxuries, new kitchen/bathroom/car will have to wait until I go back to work. I’m not saying this is by any means possible for everyone (or that everyone would even want to do it) but it was what DH and I decided to we wanted to do and I’ve never regretted it as I (generally!) love being a SAHM. It does annoy me when people imply I’m ‘lucky’ to be a SAHM (which, of course, I am) but it was also a lot of hard work, planning and sacrifice.

If you will only clear £350pcm after nursery fees, that's roughly £16 per day, Mon-Fri. Is there not something else you could do for that amount of money per day while your DS stays home with you? Could you childmind for a couple of hours before or after school? Or dog walk? Or have an ironing service? Or if you have professional skills or qualifications, do bookkeeping or editing. Not ideal but surely better than being out all day everyday with the guilt and exhaustion, just to hand over the majority of your pay in getting someone else to do what you want to do yourself.

The reality is that life for mums, apart from very wealthy ones, was pretty grim until a few decades ago

My grandmas were both working class and talk very fondly of "the old days". Sure they might be wearing rose tinted spectacles, but it sounds to me like they were genuinely happy!

@angstridden2 not being goady, just interested in why you think everyone should work?

Could you move to a smaller property? Or re-mortgage?

There is a misconception that women these days have choice. But very few actually do, or certainly don't feel like it's a choice they can make.

I think 60 years ago women didn't have much choice either.

I get it and felt the same when mine were small. If it is important to you, it's only 5 years and then you'll be able to make up for it once they are at school. There are ways to make it work.
I got by working the minimum that I could before the kids started school because that is what I wanted to do. That meant no meals or coffees out, and I got everything I could second hand.
I also managed it by doing a childcare swap - I looked after a friend's baby two days a week and she looked after mine two days a week while I worked.. it meant neither of us had childcare costs.
If that's not possible you could alternatively consider childminding for a few years.

@LolaSmiles

I do about 80% of it I'd say, because DH works far longer hours than me There's your starting point. One of the main issues in relationships is that equality means mum and dad both working full time, but mum is expected expected carry the domestic load because dad apparently can't.

It never ceases to amaze me how often I've seen men and women at my work, all parents, make very different choices about their working hours. I've seen mums working through lunch so they can get home early or go to the pet shop, using morning break to put the online shop order in by the photocopier, and then men with young children spending half their planning hour having a coffee, or sitting in the staff room after school. I have no doubt their wives will think their husbands are working late, but for certain men they're at work being unproductive. I get the impression that it's very convenient for them to be 'working' late.

If you're doing 80% of the household when working full time time the problem is closer closer home.

Totally disagree with this. OP has clearly said that her DH works ‘far longer’ hours than her. It therefore sounds as if 80% of life admin falling to her is about right.

It’s annoying when people blame the person, when the system is at fault.

...and who would pay for this universal basic income? those who chose to work I suppose. Everyone should work if they can

Do you not class caring for young children as work then?

Being at home with the kids, walking about with everything second hand including stroller, shoes, school blazer is looked down on. Not joining in the holiday talk at the school gates, the where are you going for your 40th, the talk of new kitchens or house extensions passing you by.

Its a lot to give up and most people dont want to, though they hate admitting it.

I disagree @barelycoping1

No one needs to live in a particular house with a big mortgage. So many are guilty if joining the keeping up with the Jones'. We can control our lives if we really want to....more simple life with what we want to do, where we live etc

People get on the rat race, got to do better educationally, financially, hoy to have it all or more than others....we all have choices to make.

You don't like it then sit down and sort it. Some people leave the rat race and take another way....you can do it if you want to.

Facts are children always spend a lot of time away. School is an example of that. Children spend most of the day there but I don't really hear anyone upset that others are raising their children when they're at school.

Actually that's one of the principle reasons I home educate my child.

And it is a myth that children educated at home do not socialise with other children.

Also the posts on mn about being a role model to your dd as you work..

It all means the same thing.

Being a mum at home is invisible.

Also the posts on mn about being a role model to your dd as you work..

Yeah, I hate that. My mum worked full time. I'm a SAHM. Make of that what you will.

Not joining in the holiday talk at the school gates, the where are you going for your 40th, the talk of new kitchens or house extensions passing you by.

Even though I'm working, we'd never be able to afford a new kitchen, house extension or expensive foreign holiday anyway, so whether I work or not it doesn't really make a diff!

Saying kids spend a lot of time away from you because they go to school so its fine to be at work all day isn't the same at all but it justifies folks choices.

@Jubilate

There is a misconception that women these days have choice. But very few actually do, or certainly don't feel like it's a choice they can make.

I think 60 years ago women didn't have much choice either.

We have more choices than women used to have but many appear to want it all then moan they aren't happy with their choices 🤔

Move to cheaper house. Move jobs. Don't measure happiness in financial terms, don't compare with others. Life is not a competition

@MeanMrMustardSeed
What is ‘far longer hours’?
I asked the OP this question. Does she finish at 5 and he finishes at 8 but between 5-8 she is looking after her child, and making dinner? Because that’s work too.
So from 8- whenever they go to sleep and on weekends they should have the same ‘free time.’
Theoretically. But as I said, I suspect in that ‘free time’ OP does housework plus ‘invisible labour’ (birthday gifts and life admin).
So I suspect the OP actually works a longer day (paid and unpaid) and earns less.

@barelycoping1

Not joining in the holiday talk at the school gates, the where are you going for your 40th, the talk of new kitchens or house extensions passing you by.

Even though I'm working, we'd never be able to afford a new kitchen, house extension or expensive foreign holiday anyway, so whether I work or not it doesn't really make a diff!

So what do you spend the extra £350 on

I agree with the poster that said about planning ahead. I didn’t do that. To be honest I didn’t realise I would feel the way I do! I think I was brought up to have a career that I worked hard at and loved! It was only when I had to go back after my first I realised I wanted my life to be different and my priorities had changed. It’s harder to do something about it then.

@moynomore

I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it.

I really hate this sentiment. I get you aren't happy with your personal situation, but statements like this are not helpful to anyone - including you!

This is how the OP and many others see it though, it doesn't have to help anyone If she felt differently she wouldn't want to be a sahm, surely. Why others feel such comments are derogatory when they are happy with their choices, beats me.

How long are you looking to be a SAHM if that was a possibility? Until your child goes to school? You need to think long term. When they start school they get 13 weeks holiday so you will need some sort of childcare or club to cover at least some of that.

Is there any way to transfer your job to something either part time or term time only? Could you work long days to cover more hours and then have 1 -2 days off every week as you have already hit your hours? Could you remortgage or extend your mortgage term to reduce your monthly payments down?

Move wise, look far and wide. Could your Dh transfer within his company to a different location? Dh and I moved 150 miles to get to a cheaper area with a lot more job opportunities for Dh and I became a SAHM at that point and have remained one for the last 16 years.

We even moved out of an area that was becoming ridiculously priced due to the highly sort after primary. We moved into catchment of an incredible secondary where the house prices were lower due to the appalling primary catchment. We just kept our children in their original primary and I drove them to school every day rather than walking.

I agree it is shit when you feel like you have no choices.

@MrsPsmalls

Life admin today - just for those who don't know what it is... Write an 'in sympathy card' including a letter remembering the lost person and scan and print out some photos of the person. Post it. Go to the pick up point and collect a parcel, come back via car wash, plunge a busted toilet, drive and pick up a Facebook market place desk chair via the cashpoint, water everything in greenhouse - all done already. Later on I will take two bin bags to the charity shop, book a hotel for elderly parents who cant make online bookings, book a car ferry for them. Chase up a solicitor for adult ds who is deployed with the army and is trying to buy a house, but is not in radio contact, phone round tradesman to refit some lino, deflea the cat, fleaspray sitting room. Do other people not do this stuff it takes me ages! On top of my regular household tasks and my real job obviously.

But you'll do all that in your car and make calls on your smartphone. Try living in the 70s when you had to take buses and use a phone box. And you'd have to go to the shop for the parcel(after you visited the bank to withdraw the money for it) It was difficult in different ways. I didn't have a car, a phone, a washing machine, a fridge, a freezer, microwave (or a husband) to make life easier.