To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

@ChaBishkoot

Completely agree. We are our own worst enemies. I’ll add to this that IME I think some women who are doing everything are doing everything because they micromanage their family life and won’t trust their DH to do things because it won’t be done to their standards. I don’t doubt that some DH do things poorly because they know they will then not have to do it but I think some men are willing but told they’re not good enough or not to worry about it.

One of my close friends moans about being super busy but won’t actually let her husband do anything. She berated him the other day as he’d made the packed lunches and the carrot sticks weren’t uniform enough!

OP you view it shit for you because you want t be a SAHM. Plenty of us dont and want to work and send our kids to nursery to don't generalise.

Also, you chose to have a child knowing you couldn't afford to be a SAHM, again your decision. I chose to have a child knowing i could afford nursery costs.

I think you need to take some ownership if your own decisions and stop blaming everyone else. Maybe consider that some women want to be more than just 'mum' 24/7 and that is right for them

And i agree with all posters that say women are far better off now, and it is insulting to say parents who send their kids to nursery are having them raised by someone else.

I feel for you OP. I am a SAHM by choice, but luckily in a position where we don’t have to loose luxuries.
Could you use any of your skills to set up on your own? Being self employed would give you a lot more freedom and you’d be able to pick your own hours and around your child.

Could you move to a cheaper area / smaller house to reduce mortgage payments/ be mortgage free depending how much equity is in your home.

Is part time an option? You’d not be paying as much in childcare but still able to earn if you need it to afford bills etc

I get what you mean about “not raising your child” my SIL felt like this.
She went back to work full time when her DS was 4 months old because her husband insisted she contributed equally to the household. She has severe depression and she says it’s due to the fact she feels she missed everything of her child’s early life. Nursery did the majority of weaning, potty training etc and she missed first crawl, roll, word & walk due to her child being in nursery 8am-6pm, 5 days a week. She was exhausted in the evening and at weekends so they didn’t do much it was mainly cleaning, food shop etc
It was really tough for her because it wasn’t what she wanted and I think that’s the main thing. Working is fine- if that’s what you want! But if it isn’t it can be devastating.

I wouldn’t want her life for anything.
She’s now depressed, unemployed & divorced. Her DC is at school and has every weekend with his dad so she still doesn’t see him much.

I’m obviously not saying this happens to everyone, but just showing you an example so you know it isn’t always amazing going back to work and if it’s not what you want then you shouldn’t have to do it.

@SocialAffairsAndWoodlandFolk

Women have always worked. That isn't a modern thing. What is a modern thing is for women to be able to achieve financial independence in well paid, respected, professional roles. There aren't any sunlit uplands to hark back to.

That aside, I'm sorry you feel this way but you aren't paying someone to raise your son, you're paying someone to look after him for a few hours a day. You're his mum. He'll be raised by his parents.

This is a very early post on the thread but I think it bears quoting, and repeating.

I went back when they were 2 weeks (yes weeks not months) in the 1980s and it worked fine. I earned ultimately 10x what their teacher father does and they certainly thank me for paying university costs and first property costs etc rather than did I change 10 nappies a day rather than 3. Play the longer game or move somewhere where you would not need to work.

The thing is OP, that £350 isn't always going to be 'only' £350.

DS1 is 5. I returned to work full time when he was 9 months earning 16k, barely breaking even. now, only 4 and a bit years later my salary has increased by over 10k, we no longer pay nusery fees for him him just £10 a day to the childminder for afterschool, our quality of life is much improved and he knows no different, he's never asked why I didn't stay at home. And I'm now in a position to be able to work more flexibly as he gets older, and, I think personally, will need me around more than when he was smaller.

I thought exactly like you - I wanted to make the most of every minute of my first child’s babyhood and young childhood. I was married then and had a mortgage and bills. I didn’t work - not at all for a number of years. My DH wasn’t a big earner at all. We scrimped, we watched every penny, and.........it was totally worth it!

Don’t work if you don’t want to. Retrain as something that means you can be at home eg childminder, etc etc, or simply cut down on your expenses.

It's a really unpopular opinion but I do think that parents (of either sex) who wish to stay at home with their DC should be supported to do so. There is extensive evidence that a large amount 1:1 time with a primary caregiver (usually a parent) is essential in the early years for a strong foundation, for all the modern day obsession with "peers".

Many parents have no choice in the matter. It isn't OK. We are a society that puts children last and does not prioritise their needs. SAHPs, particularly women, are often viewed as lazy, meek, downtrodden and anti-feminist. Especially when their children start school. My mum HAD to work full time to keep a roof over our heads. I just remember missing her and wanting her all the time, especially when I got home from school.

I think the mantra happy mum happy baby, while superficially correct, has come to some to mean that the needs of the parent take precedent over the needs of the children. Not the case, and one doesn't automatically follow the other. Sometimes something that would make you happy as an adult is not going to be the best thing for your DC, and vice versa.

I've been working with children for over 40yrs, the last 20 of them at home childminding. I do not raise other people's children. I look after them and keep them safe whilst the parent is at work.

I think that you need to get your mindset in the right place first of all so you can really work out how to make the absolute best of your circumstances. Streamline your life so that minimal time is spent on drudgery. A tidy, decluttered house only takes a few minutes a day to keep clean and tidy. Meals can be healthy and nutritious and on the table in 20mins. All bills on DD and a reminder ping when renewals are due. It's not so difficult when you get started.

But, most of all, it's an attitude. Positive energy gives you energy. Moping around berating all the things you don't have or can't do will only bring you more misery.

And don't get sucked into doing MLM.

Don’t forget as well, that if you can afford to be a SAHM you should be able afford to go re-train / study once your child starts school.
This is what my mum did, yes she was a SAHM in the late 80s - 90s and then went to study. Has a brilliant career now, fantastic pension and earns a great salary.
Just because you’re a SAHM doesn’t mean you will never have a career a pension or a good salary. Don’t let people tell you otherwise.
I’m starting university once my youngest starts school and the voluntary work, life experience in my chosen field & fundraising that I’ve had the time to do in the time I’ve been a SAHM looks fantastic on UCAS applications.

Is part time an option?

I did that when DC were very small - most expensive nursery time.

Increased hours as the years went on.

I'm really grateful I had the opportunity both to stay in the workplace, so maintaining skills etc., but had a good amount of time at home too.

It was worth sacrificing some money for those short years, I didn't save or anything during that time but since have stepped it back up.

My mum had to give up her dream of being an architect when my Dad decided to join the Army and they couldn’t afford for her to be at Uni so she followed him across which ever base he was posted to. Then when they had their young family he decided to leave the Army to start his own business, they couldn’t afford for her to go back. Then his business failed and he had to go abroad for work as he couldn’t find work here in the 80s and she was left for four years practically raising us herself finding whatever part time work she could. Then he came back and started another business, which was successful but by which time she was nearly in her 40s and 7 years of education was out of the question.

She sacrificed everything because that’s what women were expected to do. Life was not better for mums in those days.

My dad tried to tell me life was better the way it used to be, everyone was happy. He’s obviously missed the numerous times my mum has complained about never being able to be an architect.

I freely admit I hate working though. I always have. I only ever wanted to potter about at home even pre DC.

I home ed now and I'm much happier than I was when I was working (even part time). I do freelance work now that is on no one else's timetable but mine.

It is shit yes, but a lot of it is what you're prepared to give up to be at home. If you need your wage to pay the rent and food, then yes you need to work. If you're working to pay the second car, the holiday abroad, the nights out, the new clothes and shoes, the kids swimming or tennis lessons, the clubs , the expensive pram,the new furniture etc then these are things that you can give up. Its whether you want to or nit.

Yanbu. It's sad that the choice has been taken away. People did have more of a choice to care for babies and toddlers full or part time if they wanted to in the past when housing was more affordable despite people wanting to rewrite history and claim that just as many mothers of babies and toddlers were forced to work full or part time whether or not they wanted to in the past.

I feel like people, man, woman, parent or not shouldn't have to work to live.

I think there should be a universal basic income that can cover the basic costs of living and I think that working should be optional in order to top up that salary.

I absolutely hated the idea of going back to work and leaving my son and I feel like people should be able to develop an identity other than work being the majority of it.

I don't think men or women should be reliant on each other and I think social housing should be made cheaper.

But it doesn't matter what I think because even though life is shit none of the things I want to happen ever will and most people think I live in a fantasy land.

I’m sure you have explored all the options, however...
A) part time
B)work evenings/weekends so
C) start a business
D) ask to do full time over 4 days

Couchbettato

I'm with you and every time I hear someone bleat on about the importance of a "work ethic" I want to scream.

[quote HereBeFuckery]@looptheloopinahulahoop

'As for life admin - get everything on direct debit and there should hardly be any.'

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Can you get new school shoes, the next size up of clothes, wellies, trainers, coats etc on DD? How about last minute school play costumes? Slips to sign and return with money for school? Out of school clubs (renewing, sorting uniforms/equipment, emails about changes to where/when/how week to week)?
What about getting rid of clutter? Is there a DD for that? [/quote]
This and don’t get me started on the amount of extra admin for DC with sen

@TrendingHistory unfortunately school leadership roles that are part time are very difficult to come by, I haven’t given up and am still trying but while teachers can sometimes go part time, must schools are very reluctant for those in leadership roles to do so. I am completely open to trying new things but as the main earner it is more difficult. My husband is great and would go part time but we just both know they I would prefer to be the one to do so. We are very lucky in so many ways I know, I just wish I could have a better work life balance and spend time with my family.

Working every fri/sat night as band 2 in NHS would get you about £500-£700 a month and then your husband could have the baby while you snooze til lunchtime. Then you have every single day to spend with your baby, put a small amount towards a pension and keep an employment going and would get a small maternity pay if you decide to have more. I personally do 2 shifts a week as a staff nurse and we don't use nursery for our youngest. I love having at least 5 days of freedom with him. My best friends avoided childcare for years doing cleaning nights and putting themselves through masters.

@Jent13c this sounds like it would suit me down to the ground, will definitely look into it as well as the many other good suggestions (once I have a chance to read them all properly and digest).

The house building programme was building more affordable housing than ever before, incuding high standard social housing

Good point. Housing was just a lot more affordable back then IMO and social housing far more readily available.

Depending on what type of work your DH does and how he is paid, could he come home earlier?

A pp poster is right about how so many men deliberately stay at work faffing off as not to have to come home and parent do their share of the housework.
My industry is male dominated and it was a regular thing. The women that worked there in the exact job and had families managed to leave work on time most of the time.

I agree with a PP who suggested retraining for something that pays better.

I don't see using childcare as paying someone else to raise your child.
Facts are children always spend a lot of time away. School is an example of that. Children spend most of the day there but I don't really hear anyone upset that others are raising their children when they're at school.

Children need a lot socialization.

@Clariana

Hi OP, if you are only £350 / month better off by working, have you considered being a childminder instead? You could then look after your child and just one other would give you more than £350 / month. Just a thought!

Please don’t do this unless you are that special type of person is actually suited to it.

@Couchbettato who do you propose is funding everyone's basic living costs?!

It really depresses me when I read entitled shit like this. It's not government money you know, it all belongs to us taxpayers who opt in through tax on our earning and our assets. Why am I paying for your lifestyle choices? I'd rather be home full time with my children than earning but work ethic IS important if you're wanting the next generation of taxes to accommodate our spending policies.