To think modern life is shit for mums

[barelycoping1]

I have a 1 year old son and would give anything to be a SAHM. I don’t want to put him in nursery or with a childminder, I’m his mum and I want to bring him up myself - not pay someone else to do it. I want to spend every precious moment with him because he’s our first and last and I’ll never get to experience this special time again.

Sadly though I have no choice but to return to work so we can pay our mortgage and bills. I don’t earn that much more than the cost of nursery, but it is about £350 difference every month so worth it.

I just feel sad that I don’t have a choice in the matter thanks to the sodding cost of living and sky high rents/mortgages now. I wish we were back in the days where one salary could easily cover the mortgage on an average home. Hose prices have essentially adjusted now to mean that both parents need to work to keep a roof over their heads.

Also because I’m back at work, my free time is a constant battle trying to keep the house in order and deal with life admin. I’ve lost touch with quite a few friends because I have so little time.

AIBU to hate the fact that I have to go back to work and to feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my son? I know some people will say to find a job I love, but there’s no job in the world that I’d rather do than be a SAHM.

I feel so stretched all the time and like I’m on a hamster wheel and can’t get off. If this is what having it all means then it’s just shit, sorry. What can I do to change my life for the better?

YABU because being reliant financially on a man is a bat shit crazy plan. We have it SO much better now in that least we can walk away from men when they no longer deserve us

We think we’re progressing in terms of workplace equity, earning potential etc... But until men also start going part time to look after their children after maternity leave or becoming SAHP we are always going to be in the situation where (In the majority of cases) primary parent and housekeeper is the woman.

Why does she have to quit? Has anyone suggested her DH do part time work?

Honestly, we women are our own worst enemies. We are literally colluding in this system that tells women a) they should work full time and also do the bulk of the childcare b) that the only option for when a child is small and you want a parent at home is for the mother to stay at home.

Worse still is the mentality that the OP has to magic up 350 pounds. No. No. No.
Childcare is a joint expense. You pool your finances and take everything out of it including the food bill, the mortgage, heating, and childcare. You can choose to split it such that one partner pays X amount and the other Y amount but childcare is not the mother’s responsibility.

@TrendingHistory

It’s more than just £350 per month that’s she’s getting my working though. It’s pension contributions, career progression, learning and development. Also, she is one half or a married couple and earnings should be considered collectively. They have a total combined monthly income and they have total combined monthly expenditure. Viewing her earnings as separate totally skews the conversation and damages her working potential.

But she's not worried about any of that. I quite agree but that isn't the op's issue, it's missing out on time with their child but needing to warn the £350

I completely agree with this. I would love a choice but both need to work to have a house, car etc. I pay someone else to do lots of things I would love to do with my kids.

I agree op, its changed for the worst. I was in the same predicament until something happened, which forced me to leave my job. I was so worried about losing my salary, but tax credits ended up enabling me to be a sahm until mine finish primary school. We've had to to cut out luxuries and live within our means, but its great being here for them.

I worked part time when young and now full time but have always brought them up.

Didn't know you could pay someone to bring them up ,is it expensive and where do you apply.

I work in a nursery and I had the same feeling of 'not wanting someone else raising them' before going into this career. However since working with young children in a nursery setting I feel my primary role is education, obviously they need age appropriate care - physical and emotional - but my role isn't to raise them but to teach them, role model behaviour and help them progress developmentally. We can't give them what makes families so unique and special and you can see it in their faces when it's time to go home. They love being with us and playing with their friends and they bond with the adults caring for them but it's a very different kind of relationship to the one they have with their families.

Honestly completely understand! I chose to work late evenings so I could look after my kids in the day, and their dad takes over in the evening doing bed while I work. I needed the money if only part time it still helps and like you, I didn't want anyone else raising my kids. Not everyone can do evenings for every job, but for me being home was more important than a career so I was happy to work in a more menial job.

I voted YABU not because I disagree with “life is shit for mums” but because I think it’s always been that way. It’s not a modern thing that life is shit for mums.

I mean the whole working not working aside
Mums couldn’t vote
Dad could legally rape mum because no such thing as rape in marriage
Mum had no access to contraception and so as well as forced sex, was forced to be pregnant.
Mum had no access to abortion, so as well as forced pregnancy forced to risk her life in childbirth....and die in much much more frequently
Mum had no labour saving devices like flushing toilet, washing machine, an indoor tap of water or a proper stove (ever cooked over a fire?)

@ChaBishkoot

Why does she have to quit? Has anyone suggested her DH do part time work?

Honestly, we women are our own worst enemies. We are literally colluding in this system that tells women a) they should work full time and also do the bulk of the childcare b) that the only option for when a child is small and you want a parent at home is for the mother to stay at home.

Worse still is the mentality that the OP has to magic up 350 pounds. No. No. No.
Childcare is a joint expense. You pool your finances and take everything out of it including the food bill, the mortgage, heating, and childcare. You can choose to split it such that one partner pays X amount and the other Y amount but childcare is not the mother’s responsibility.

The OP is the one who doesn’t want to work. How would it benefit her for her partner to go part time?

But the OP has said she doesn’t have free time. She’s rushed off her feet. She wants quality time.
This would be solved by

• her DH working less so he could do more housework
• her DH doing more housework in general.

And why is the OP uniquely more qualified than her husband to look after the child? Surely what she’s saying is that she would like the child to be brought up by a parent rather than be in childcare?

I don't think it's more shit tbh.... But only if your partner sees wages as family/joint and childcare expenses as joint. There was one point that if it had just been calculated on my earnings we were paying for me to work. But it was a long term plan for the family as a whole.
It's not too late to retrain and enter into something better paid later. If you have a first degree you can get loans for post grad now. You could cause the childcare years to do a part time masters or post grad in something very orientated to a particular area of work so not academic but training for a particular thing eg pgcse (depending on course requirements of course). Many now also have part time options. I studied and worked very part time hours (evenings and weekends) when dc were little. Meant DC were not in very much childcare and I got re trained in more family friendly career with good progression.... DH was fully on board, did half house stuff (yes, whilst working full time), took kids all weekend at times when I needed to study and was generally not an unthinking dick low level mysoginist
What's your existing trading/qualifications?

When your DC hits the terrible 2s you might enjoy going to work but it is hard especially working full time. I went part time then had to go full time after a couple of years but in the blink of an eye they are in nursery then full time school.

Could you work part time ?

It depends on what you want like holidays ans if your DC does clubs etc, it's all very very expensive and your salary might be needed.

YANBU but this is the result of equality. Women can go out to work, therefore many families have two incomes and the cost of living rises accordingly. We reach the point where families NEED two incomes to survive. Which means that virtually all women then HAVE to go out to work even if they don’t want to.

In which case either parent can take some time off their career to do this.
I am willing to bet a lot of money her DH feels no guilt at working. And if she said ‘I don’t want him in childcare for long hours could you cut down?’ I BET he would be astonished.

This is the real problem. We assume that it is our bodies, our lives and our careers that must be sacrificed. If you don’t demand true equality you won’t get it.

And the OP has already talked about the invisible labour she does. And I have also said that let’s pool together how many hours the OP works (at paid employment and childcare) and how many hours her DH does. I am willing to bet

• the DH has more ‘free time’ despite longer hours in paid employment
• the OP does more housework.

@ChaBishkoot

But the OP has said she doesn’t have free time. She’s rushed off her feet. She wants quality time. This would be solved by

• her DH working less so he could do more housework
• her DH doing more housework in general.

And why is the OP uniquely more qualified than her husband to look after the child? Surely what she’s saying is that she would like the child to be brought up by a parent rather than be in childcare?

She’s quite clearly said she wants to spend more time raising her child, not the husband doing it. Agree he could definitely do more housework but I don’t believe that anyone is so busy with housework they can’t spend time with their child. Most people have all evening to get stuff done once the child is in bed

I didn't want anyone else raising my kids

Who are these people who are raising other people's children?
DS started nursery at 10 months and is 7 now and at no point has anyone other me and DH been responsible for raising him.

@Donitta

YANBU but this is the result of equality. Women can go out to work, therefore many families have two incomes and the cost of living rises accordingly. We reach the point where families NEED two incomes to survive. Which means that virtually all women then HAVE to go out to work even if they don’t want to.

But the reality is that things really aren’t equal. Statistically, women still do most of the housework and childcare, women are still held back in their jobs. They earn less for more work. This is why it isn’t fair.

@Pyewackect

but I promise you, if you were transported back to the 50's and you were a SAHM, you would not have lots of time to just play with the kids. You'd be a thousand times more knackered than you are now.

It's the 1950's not 1850's !. Full employment and the end of rationing in 1954 heralded the post war boom. The house building programme was building more affordable housing than ever before, incuding high standard social housing, new schools and new towns Available credit in the form of higher purchase put domestic appliances like vacuume cleaners, washing machines, refrigerators and TV within the reach of most. Car ownership was putting the railways out of business. Higher education was available, not just university but technical colleges and adult education. Fundamentally the 1950's bought unprecedented change to this country at just about every level, only exceeded by that of the 1960's.

You may have had an Electrolux twin-tub, rather than a Zanuzssi Okie cokie 2000 automatic but the majority were nolonger on their hands and kness with a cloth and a bar of carbolic, you had Flash and a squeezy mop for that.

Finally with the Comet 4 coming into service in 1955 and the Boeing 707 in 1958 we were now in the, " Jet Age". Wait a few years and you had two weeks on the Costa's from Luton Airport.

Everything you have mentioned is EXTREMELY in the minorities.

My Mum grew up in the sixties, she remembers a girl coming back from Spain in high school and they all crowded round her because she was the first person anyone knew to have gone abroad. Everyone I know used to have a week in Blackpool or a similar seaside town and this it was the dog's bollocks.

Similarly both my parents had outdoor toilets as young children and used laundrettes. I think to have all of what you mentioned would have put you very much in the upper middle class.

I don't agree with this tbh. It's pure rose-tinted spectacles. And while I can empathise with your sense of being run ragged trying to keep on top of everything, I think you're being naive and its slightly worries me that this rhetoric is so common these days.

The reality is that life for mums, apart from very wealthy ones, was pretty grim until a few decades ago. Quite difficult to earn decent money so hard to amass any of your own, trapped if you wanted to leave (both by finances and society) and without much chance to develop your own financial independence, few labour saving devices so stuck on a constant treadmill of cleaning, cooking, home maintenance and childcare. Modern life certainly has its irritations but I wouldn't want that back.

I'd far rather have my own money and be in control of my own destiny than be at home looking after my kids without any of my own money and living in a state of dependency on someone else. And without a clear vision for what I would do after the kids left home.

No thanks very much, I'll keep the ratrace.

But if the OP does more childcare then she’ll be expected to do even more housework yes? I suspect she’ll be just as exhausted. And without an income to fall back on.

I mean look at all the SAHM threads here.

As I said before you can’t say ‘society doesn’t value (free) childcare that SAHMs’ do and ‘my DH shouldn’t have to be an equal parent because he does more paid work.’ The two aren’t compatible. If you value the work you do as a mother than demand your DH steps up too. That’s the only way she will have actual ‘free time.’

I sympathise OP. I wanted nothing more than to be a SAHM so I found someone who would support that decision when it came time to marry and have children.

Being a SAHM isn't all fun and games though. Almost all of my working mum friends say going to work is so much easier than being at home with small children all day every day.

@Tumbleweed101

I work in a nursery and I had the same feeling of 'not wanting someone else raising them' before going into this career. However since working with young children in a nursery setting I feel my primary role is education, obviously they need age appropriate care - physical and emotional - but my role isn't to raise them but to teach them, role model behaviour and help them progress developmentally. We can't give them what makes families so unique and special and you can see it in their faces when it's time to go home. They love being with us and playing with their friends and they bond with the adults caring for them but it's a very different kind of relationship to the one they have with their families.

Yes, thank you. It makes me really angry when you get head-shakers on here who would tell me that DS going to nursery 3 days a week is "paying someone else to raise him." His friends are at nursery but we are his family.

I'm also going to say that YABU because, of my 8 mum friends, 7 of us went back to work PT because being a SAHM was so difficult and draining. I changed industry in order to be able to choose my hours. Work is a break!