Missing sons wedding due to covid AIBU?

[Cafepurff]

Hi , this is my first time posting.
I am looking for some second opinions outside of my friends and family.

My son proposed to his girlfriend last summer, we were happy for them but didn’t think/ask too much about their wedding plans due to covid.
To our surprise at the time, they booked a wedding for this summer (they did tell us the day before they booked it, and we said it was fine with us), but we were quite shocked as so many weddings were being cancelled due to covid but went along with their plans. We don’t live in the UK and we are in a country that doesn’t allow international travel at the moment due to covid, they claim to not have known this at the time of booking.
At the start of this year they told us they did not know we couldn’t travel to the wedding, and were quite angry we hadn’t mentioned this at the time. And they didn’t know what they were going to do. My husband and I were quite upset, and discussing between ourselves as to whether they would go ahead without us. We did tell our son we would be upset if this happened.

Since then they have cancelled the big wedding that they had planned, and rebooked a much smaller wedding where I believe only a handful of guests are going, including brides parents. Obviously we will not be able to attend. Since then things have been quite strained when speaking to our son and we feel it has impacted our relationship somewhat.
We understand they want to get married, but it seems very rushed, and we are hurt that they are going ahead without us there. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable for feeling like this, and I don’t know if I should say something to them or leave it. It feels like the elephant in the room whenever we speak.

Once borders reopen, could you organise a blessing of the wedding in person?

I'm Australian, and there is a way for you to apply for an exemption to go back to the UK. A friend of mine recently was successful to go to Sweden.

You must commit to leaving for a minimum of 3 months. Any shorter trips are almost impossible to have an exemption granted. You will face expensive flights to return, if you can secure a seat. Often bookings are cancelled unless J class full fee tickets are purchased. On return you will face quarantine at your own expense.

I think you are your son sadly have had a big miscommunication and this is the resulting fallout. It's been obvious for the past year that our border will not reopen until we reach herd immunity through vaccination. What is unclear is our vaccine roadmap and milestones.

It's challenging to do virtually, but can you organise a catch up in which both sides can express their feelings, then you can move past it and accept the situation for what it is?

OP saying she was fine with them getting married this year.

Well frankly it's not really down to OP being 'fine' with it as to whether the wedding goes ahead- maybe her DS wasn't 'fine' about her moving to Oz and had his own feelings about that but ultimately that wasn't his choice to make, as the wedding isn't OP's decision. Imagine the reaction he would have got on here, if he'd posted that he was unhappy his parents were moving to Oz, he'd likely have been torn apart.

So no, I don't think he he's pulled a 'dick move'- he just wants to get on and live his life, just as his parents chose to.

Ps I don't understand people on this thread who are focused on your son saying he didn't know the restrictions. It honestly doesn't matter and what are they implying-that's he lying because he didn't actually want you there or something?!

Looking at this as an outsider from his perspective he's upset with you because of the way you are behaving by sulking and making an issue of this rather than being supportive and accepting that he's probably finding this as tough as you are (assuming you have a good relationship with him).

@ElaineMarieBenes

I’m also assuming your son’s wedding counts as compelling or compassionate grounds (which might not be the case). I have an Ozzie acquaintance who has been been back to Melbourne 3 times in the last year! She is ordinarily resident overseas though. Quarantine hotels in Australia also sound a million times better than the U.K.!

It's a very different situation if you are an Australian citizen who lives most of the year overseas. Unless of course you are Indian...

Your acquaintance can enter Australia due to their citizenship, provided they can secure a seat on a plane and cover the costs of hotel quarantine. On leaving, provided they can prove they have spent the majority of the year overseas, an exemption to leave is granted automatically. Expensive but doable.

Trust me, hotel quarantine can be horrible here. I returned from Singapore (former expat) and did my two weeks in a room with no fresh air, no natural light, and inedible food. On my release day, I sat outside in the rain for an hour haha. The experience very much depends on the hotel and room you are allocated to!

Have you actually applied to leave. There are compassionate grounds which they will consider?

I totally get your upset I really do and I voted YANBU but what if they ban travel for another year, or more. How long is reasonable to expect your son to wait?

@Cafepurff

Thank you everyone for your posts. It helps to get the opinion of others. I will try to answer a few things that have been asked. We moved here from the UK (we are British). We expected to miss things from time to time but never imagined an occasion as big as this. I understand my son can’t put his life on hold though. I like to think we are close however I suppose since we moved here we haven’t seen much of each other and busy lives get in the way of regular conversations although we do try a few times a month to chat. Son is early 30s so not young no.

They are convinced they didn’t know and that we should have told them. I think that’s the worst part for me. If I has have just mentioned it then things might be different. It’s become the elephant in the room whenever we do speak and I’ve not brought up the wedding as I don’t know what to say, it all seems like such a mess now.

Because it is a mess!

You need to apologise. This is all caused by you saying that it was fine when they asked you before booking it if it was ok.

You say you think you’re close but, you clearly aren’t.

Try looking at this - not just this issue itself, but the wedding issue, the lack of closeness since you moved, and possibly you moving in the first place - from his point of view. Is it possible that this is just one more example (from his perspective) of ‘say one thing, do another’ or ‘appear to care but when it comes to the crunch, don’t show up’?

You need to be the one who broaches the subject, and you need to be the one who apologises. Unreservedly. Without use of the word ‘but’. Not once.

So no, I don't think he he's pulled a 'dick move'- he just wants to get on and live his life, just as his parents chose to.

He has though- no problem with getting married without his parents there as life does not stand still. No one would expect him to wait for them and while disappointing for them it’s understandable they want to forge ahead. The dick move is not just saying that but coming up with a ridiculous story and pushing blame onto someone else. It’s blame that doesn’t even exist which makes it worse. Why lie (as that’s what he has done as of course he knew borders were shut and not reopening) and cast blame? Just say sorry, couldn’t wait forever and particularly with the unknown timeframe, appreciate its disappointing all round but hope you understand. The end. The accompanying pantomime is indeed a dick move.

Sorry but I’m with your son on this one. You moved to the other side of the world, didn’t tell him you wouldn’t be able to travel to his wedding when he specifically called you up to ask you and is now having to deal with the drama of you being disappointed AND the fact that his own parents won’t be at his wedding. I think it’s rich to be disappointed when you’re the one that moved so far away and withheld information from him that he specifically asked you for. You have a lot of grovelling to do in my opinion if you want to maintain a relationship with your son. No doubt it’ll already be strained from your decision to move away and not be involved in his life or his future children’s lives.

When you say travel is banned, what do you mean?

Australia moved to the UK green travel list as of May 17th. So you can now come to the UK without having to quarantine. You just need a negative test no more than 3 days before your flight. So as of now, you can come to the UK with less restrictions than most other countries.

And the restriction of traveling to Australia from the UK does not apply to Australian citizens and permanent citizens of Australia. You have to quarantine when you get back to Aus.

I get it's not an easy journey and a pain to do all the tests and quarantining, but it's not banned?

You can apply for a visa to leave Australia. You can travel for some reasons. You’re not trying hard enough. Just apply for the visa to leave and see what happens!

@HoppingPavlova

So no, I don't think he he's pulled a 'dick move'- he just wants to get on and live his life, just as his parents chose to.

He has though- no problem with getting married without his parents there as life does not stand still. No one would expect him to wait for them and while disappointing for them it’s understandable they want to forge ahead. The dick move is not just saying that but coming up with a ridiculous story and pushing blame onto someone else. It’s blame that doesn’t even exist which makes it worse. Why lie (as that’s what he has done as of course he knew borders were shut and not reopening) and cast blame? Just say sorry, couldn’t wait forever and particularly with the unknown timeframe, appreciate its disappointing all round but hope you understand. The end. The accompanying pantomime is indeed a dick move.

Why is he responsible for the 'accompanying pantomime'? OP told him to go ahead- who honestly a year ago wasn't hopeful that things would be better by now? At least allowing travel to be a bit more possible.

@HoppingPavlova but multiple people on this thread have pointed out that until very recently, there was an exemption that could be applied for to leave the country on compassionate grounds, and people have successfully argued that a wedding counted.

So the son isn’t “coming up with a ridiculous story”; it’s perfectly reasonable that he may have thought something like that was possible, when his own parents (who actually live in the country) didn’t mention that there may be an issue.

@lovelsa

When you say travel is banned, what do you mean?

Australia moved to the UK green travel list as of May 17th. So you can now come to the UK without having to quarantine. You just need a negative test no more than 3 days before your flight. So as of now, you can come to the UK with less restrictions than most other countries.

And the restriction of traveling to Australia from the UK does not apply to Australian citizens and permanent citizens of Australia. You have to quarantine when you get back to Aus.

I get it's not an easy journey and a pain to do all the tests and quarantining, but it's not banned?

There we go then- it's not actually impossible?

Yeah definitely not him being a 'dick' then.

meh, Australia? It has been an ongoing topic of conversation in the media that we could have closed our borders and been as effective (possibly) as Australia and that it was and still is pretty much a fortress.

Just ignore the wedding, that's what i did with my bro when he arranged his at a date i obviously wouldn't be able to attend (2 days after my previously announced and widely known in the family) due date. I just pretend it didn't happen. I'm perfectly lovely to him, his wife and kids etc, I just don't congratulate them on anniversaries . You may not be as petty as me though

OP, did you actually bother to explore the options of getting back for the wedding using the travel application system?

Exactly how long would you like them to wait for you to be able to attend? I am sorry, but whilst I can understand why you are upset, I think you are being very unreasonable expecting them not to get married until such time as you are able to attend - you can't even tell them when that might be - and after telling them that the time they had chosen was ok with you. You are acting quite childishly.

We have very close family in Aus.

We missed the funeral of a very young family member last year.

Being so far away from the ones you love sucks, but this is the consequence of the choices we've made.

We've checked the travel restrictions and decided that pretty much whatever happens, we're not going till they're lifted. We're always on edge for a dash around the world if someone is ill but that's not feasible now anyway.

I came to say exactly what @pigglepot said actually. Love your son. Suck it up. He wants to be married and after all it's just a day. Your love and your relationship is more important.

Why is travel banned? No one can stop you travelling. My friend and her family travelled to NZ 6 weeks ago as they were permitted on family grounds, surely this is something you could argue, even if it will involve hotel quarantine etc

I think if it was booked last year then even if they did know the travel restrictions at that time (and given how topsy turvy they are that is realistic) they asked you and you didnt say. And even if you did I suspect the hope would be the borders would open.

Right now I think it is realistic to say the earliest they could book a wedding and guarantee that you would definitely be there is 2023 and if they want a summer wedding July/August 2023. If they are thinking that they would like to get the legal side done and dusted (i.e what marriage gives you) before buying a house/having children etc then they are making the right decision.

Indeed it is a sensible one to what to get married before these things and delaying in until you can be there is a HUGE deal in terms of delay.

What you need to do now is see if there is a way via Zoom to actually virtually be there and stop blaming them. They cant put their future on hold for this pandemic simply because you cant be there

OP you chose to move to the other side of the world.
The same closeness can't be maintained- it is inevitable.
There will be many more things you will not be involved with over the years.
It sucks, but just how emigration works.

I’m in Australia and really who knows when any of us will be allowed to freely go anywhere again? On that alone, it is very very very unreasonable to think your son should put his wedding plans on hold and wait until Australians might be able to go travel before he can get married. His wedding is about him and his GF, not his parents. Of course it is totally ok to be upset about missing it, that’s normal. But also it is completely obvious that travel exemptions are being granted left right and centre, why not apply for one?

Oh Australia is also on the green list, so what's the issue? You are a Aus resident, they won't stop you getting back in, just quarantine. Get on the plane!!!

I have no links to Australia and no plans to travel anywhere this year (so haven’t taken much notice of green list etc) but even I know that there’s been talk of Australians being banned from travelling until 2022/3.

@iminthegarden it's getting out that is the challenge.

You cannot simply jump on a plane. You have to apply to leave AUS and there are requirements to be met. You must have an exemption approved otherwise border control will not let you check in for your flight.

As has been discussed, you need to leave for a minimum of 3 months and the cost is incredibly high for airfares and quarantine.

I really do agree with PP that they need to get on with their lives. A year engagement is hardly rushed.
I would try and put it behind you and agree that you’ll have a family celebration whenever you can finally all meet up and ask to FaceTime or Zoom into the wedding.
I recall one pre-pandemic wedding where the father of the groom couldn’t come to the wedding as they’d just had an operation and an iPad was sat propped up on a chair the whole time with them remotely attending. It was brilliant.