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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not be concerned about DDs occasional drug use?

999 replies

saltyskies8 · 25/05/2021 16:18

DD is 27, living in the city as a single professional and has a fantastic social life (in normal times!). We are very close and have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell me about most things I'd say. Since moving to the city for work a couple of years ago, she's openly told me that her and her friends will occasionally use cocaine or MDMA on nights out or in and that it's very much normal amongst everyone she knows there. DD is otherwise very fit and healthy and personally, I see her drug use as entirely normal for someone of her age group who is young, single and enjoying life in the city.

DH and I got talking last night after watching a series on bbc3 about drug use and I mentioned DDs recreational drug use, which he was not previously aware of. DH is highly concerned and has accused me of being irresponsible for not being concerned about her health and advising she seeks help. I explained my view that most people in their 20s living in the city are doing this and he believes I'm completely deluded and DD has a problem.

I'm genuinely interested to know others thoughts on this? AIBU in not being worried about drug use at this stage in DDs life?

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread :)

OP posts:
StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 25/05/2021 17:37

I’d be very unhappy and concerned if one of mine was using drugs. Much of that admittedly is because their father wrecked his own life, health and security as well as those around him so I’ve already had a preview of how bad this shit can get.

PaperbackRider · 25/05/2021 17:38

You don't hear that much in relation to MDMA. Despite what people here say, it's perfectly possible to take MDMA or cocaine in a fairly safe way

It isn't though, as you never actually know for sure what you are taking, and if its safe. The next time it might not be what you think it is and migt kill you.

Dogoodfeelgood · 25/05/2021 17:38

@PricklesAndSpikes

I can't believe you aren't seriously concerned that your daughter is doing something not only illegal but dangerous and stupid too. Or the fact that she is throwing money down the drain. Does she own her own house? If not, why is she not saving for one? Or for future children? Or for her pension? Also, as someone else pointed out, ask her if she knows whose bum her drugs came out of. Or ask her about the terrified children that are forced to run the drugs around for her.

I would be doing everything to point out every single thing to put her off taking them. Yes, she's an adult, she can do what she likes, but I'd be asking her some really hard questions about her choices!

I'm appalled so many people on MN seem to be belittling those that are horrified and are playing it down as normal. It's NOT normal and anyone who DOES take drugs and thinks it's no big deal should consider the misery and horror (yes, horror!) that is behind the scenes of the drugs supply. If YOU take drugs YOU are responsible for all the misery and every death of an innocent person coerced into the trafficking of drugs. YOU should be ashamed. Think of that next time you enjoy your "harmless" toke!

Sorry for the rant, but having seen first hand the destruction that drugs cause for so many people, I am disgusted at the blase attitude on here. There is enough info out there now that anyone who casually snorts a bit of cocaine or pops a pill knows full well what devastation their "normal" and "harmless" habit is causing. No excuses, just disgusting and disgraceful.

Actually, it's the current system that makes recreational drugs illegal while alcohol, which arguably causes as much health damage and more violence than many drugs including coke and MDMA, that is responsible for all the misery and death, not people who snort a bit of cocaine.

These things should be regulated and safe, and generating a tax income for the government to support people who become addicted - just like alcohol.

Who is the government and industry lobby groups (alcohol, big pharma) to say that we can become a zombies on prescription drugs, or alcoholics, but it's unethical and a crime that we should be punished if we want to have a trip on magic mushrooms and ease our depression (proven science!), or take MDMA and feel bursting platonic love for humanity and experience music in an amazing way?

It's simply not logical and it is the prohibition of recreational drugs that causes the massive criminal economy and tragedies like trafficking and deaths from fake drugs in an unregulated market.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/05/2021 17:38

I think drug use is about 50-50 in the population and people tend to be friends with others who do/don't do drugs. That's why you get people saying things like 'everybody doesn't' or the opposite calling anyone who takes drugs a druggie.

Bluntness100 · 25/05/2021 17:39

It is a lot more normal than you think

It’s not. It’s no more normal than it ever was. For some groups of people it’s totally normal. They do drugs, for most other groups no it’s not normal. People need to be able to see outside their own social group,

It’s like saying playing role play at a weekend is totally normal and everyone does it. Well no, only those into it do it, that doesn’t mean everyone’s dressing up a a knight of the round table and recreating medieval battles on a Saturday afternoon.

Checkingout811 · 25/05/2021 17:39

@wildeverose same here. DH and I both 30, neither take drugs recreationally. I find it odd at 27. 17 maybe?
This is a completely different life from “my world”

Blossomtoes · 25/05/2021 17:39

@Serpenta

It's very normal in her age group. I don't know why you mentioned it to her father though. Or why she told you for that matter.

You can share too much.

This. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valour.
MacCoffee · 25/05/2021 17:39

@MarshaBradyo not London but let’s just say a very notorious party ‘town’ (I use the term loosely). In any nightclub on any night you’d see the smacked up ones. You’d often see them in the streets later. Drugs happened but it wasn’t considered normal or cool amongst my peers. It was in fact considered rough or a bit twatish to do them.

namechangemarch21 · 25/05/2021 17:39

I think where you're naive OP is believing 'everyone' in her circle is doing it.

I used to go to parties with lots of people v into the club scene - DJs, etc. Quite a few of them were VERY into their party drugs. I would say there was a core group of them who were all extremely regular recreational users, and yes lots of them were professionals, etc etc.

Of a larger group, where it was 'normal', it was still only maybe an average of 3 out of 10 people who were doing it. Everyone else might have a joint if it was passed around, but weren't interested in the pills. There was a small group who were v regular users. Of that group, of maybe ten people, I know two whose lives ultimately broke down because of the coke - the others matured, settled down, only used it recreationally, but these two couldn't stop, lost jobs and marriages.

I have one friend who was an exceptionally heavy coke user in his twenties and quit and is pretty open about the fact he thinks he has some form of brain damage, which I'd agree with - basically there's something v particular about the way he processes info, quick to anger, he has a number of traits I'd associate with other heavy coke users but he has definitely been clean for over a decade. However, he was literally working in the music industry and doing it daily.

On balance though, I think regular (weekly) use is not actually as 'normal' as she makes out. There will be people who go out and do coke/MDMA every week. There will be more who do it at festivals/birthdays/'special occasions'. There will be more who don't.

And in that group of v regular users, most will be fine with it, will be able to cut back and take it or leave it. But, quite a few will struggle with, not necessarily addiction, but feeling reliant on it to get a buzz. Some of those will potentially get into financial details. A smaller number will really, really struggle to quit.

I used to be fairly laid back about drug use: it was never my scene, aside from the odd joint, but I mostly had ethical reasons around production lines. I didn't think everyone was going to become an addict. Now this cohort of people are all later thirties/early forties, and I've seen the outcome, I think a bit differently. I know two regular week smokers (since their early teens) who have been diagnosed with drug-induced schizophrenia, and a handful of people with lost marriages/jobs/long-lasting effects from their coke use. I feel a lot more cautious about it now.

Nobody knows who has addictive or depressive tendencies that could be worsened by these drugs till its too late. I wouldn't be as cavalier as you're being - I think at a minimum, I would be recommending her to make sure she takes regular weekends off, cautioning her about some of the risks. Because you're her mum, and that's your job.

RLOU30 · 25/05/2021 17:40

I started taking cocaine whilst I was working in the City aged 26, had never touched drugs before. 3 hectic years later I was jobless, homeless and had hurt everyone I knew. It’s a dangerous dark place to go to and I honestly don’t know how I survived it. I started taking it on nights out just like your daughter but it almost always escalates. Also I will tell you now it’s very easy to hide. I was working under the influence most of them time by the end and seeing mum for lunch. I still hate myself.
Am clean 4 years.

MiddleParking · 25/05/2021 17:40

I’m the same age and pretty much everyone I know, across all sorts of circles, takes or has taken coke. Not every weekend, but semi regularly. It’s most prevalent in middle aged men ime, many of whose wives would be utterly horrified if they knew, which the men go to lengths to ensure they don’t.

MarshaBradyo · 25/05/2021 17:40

People need to be able to see outside their own social group,

I’d put certain professions in this. So not just social groups.

You’re more like to find it in some sectors (in a city)

Checkingout811 · 25/05/2021 17:40

Normal for 27 year olds in “my world” is home ownership, marriage, 1st or maybe 2nd DC.
It’s not sitting inside a house / flat with a group of mates taking drugs.

toocold54 · 25/05/2021 17:41

Not trying to be nasty here but tbh you sound too eager to be seen as the "cool mom"

I agree.
Most parents would at least act outraged in front of their kids but you seem to have acted like it’s fine.

FYI I do know a few parents who give their kids cocaine and other drugs so you’re not that bad. They’re either trying to be cool or they don’t see anything wrong with it but it makes me sad as they don’t even try to be good role models.

TotorosCatBus · 25/05/2021 17:41

@hagtry

No because drugs will be new to each generation and there will always be a significant number of people overcome with curiosity or looking for a high.

But surely more people know about county lines & child sexual exploitation now?

You'd be surprised how many people on here haven't heard of CL when the demographic tends to be parents.
LST · 25/05/2021 17:41

@Checkingout811

Normal for 27 year olds in “my world” is home ownership, marriage, 1st or maybe 2nd DC. It’s not sitting inside a house / flat with a group of mates taking drugs.
They can have those things and dabble in occasional drug use. That too isnt uncommon.
Rosehip10 · 25/05/2021 17:42

Young "liberal" middle class professionals, who probably drone on about various causes (e.g. BLM), but are happy for young black men to be groomed, exploited and potentially killed in gangs so they can stuff some coke up their nose.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 25/05/2021 17:42

@RLOU30

I started taking cocaine whilst I was working in the City aged 26, had never touched drugs before. 3 hectic years later I was jobless, homeless and had hurt everyone I knew. It’s a dangerous dark place to go to and I honestly don’t know how I survived it. I started taking it on nights out just like your daughter but it almost always escalates. Also I will tell you now it’s very easy to hide. I was working under the influence most of them time by the end and seeing mum for lunch. I still hate myself. Am clean 4 years.
Well done for getting clean and thank you for posting. This thread needs more posts like yours Smile
Bluntness100 · 25/05/2021 17:42

Op to clarify the stats, in your daughters age group it’s about ten percent use illegal drugs. So approx 90 percent do not.

In rh younger group, Ie pre 24 it’s higher, at about twenty percent, so eighty percent do not. Thr numbers reduce once folks hit 25.

So by far it’s not everyone. In fact 90 percent don’t. Your daughter is in the ten percent who do.

RLOU30 · 25/05/2021 17:42

Not to mention the cost. A decent Gram in the city is £80-£100 and that doesn’t last long, especially sharing. That and renting near London/bills it’s impossible to keep up.

justwant2beamum · 25/05/2021 17:43

I'm 27 and since about 20 at uni have occasionally used recreational drugs most usually Coke and occasionally mdma, ket, pills and weed. What I did not realise was the impact it could have on me later (or not so later) in life. My partner also did the same. We're now struggling to get pregnant and I have read a lot on the effects of such on fertility and I feel absolutely horrendous that for a few fun nights out I could have thrown away the chance to have the one thing I've always wanted from life which is kids of my own. Not to mention even just struggling to get pregnant when you want to us horrendous in itself. I'd talk to her and make her aware of this impact. To be honest 5 years ago I'd have probably thought "don't be silly I'll be fine" but obviously now I'm not and I deeply regret it.

Chocrock · 25/05/2021 17:43

I think it's normal for people in their teens, twenties and thirties to occasionally do drugs socially and equally normal for others never to do drugs. Individual choice.
I think its great that you and your daughter have such a honest and open relationship and would be extremely careful to protect that honesty and openness

MiddleParking · 25/05/2021 17:43

I have one friend who was an exceptionally heavy coke user in his twenties and quit and is pretty open about the fact he thinks he has some form of brain damage, which I'd agree with - basically there's something v particular about the way he processes info, quick to anger, he has a number of traits I'd associate with other heavy coke users but he has definitely been clean for over a decade. However, he was literally working in the music industry and doing it daily.

I know a guy like this from the same industry. I do think you see more of that from heavy weed use though, especially in men - I know a few men who’ve gone permanently crackers from weed.

bungaloid · 25/05/2021 17:43

@PaperbackRider

You don't hear that much in relation to MDMA. Despite what people here say, it's perfectly possible to take MDMA or cocaine in a fairly safe way

It isn't though, as you never actually know for sure what you are taking, and if its safe. The next time it might not be what you think it is and migt kill you.

You can test for the expected active ingredient, or simply titrate your dose up slowly to check for unwanted effects. It's possible.
Notanotherusernamenow · 25/05/2021 17:44

Literally everyone in my circle did / does drugs. All highly successful, with doctorates, highly paid careers, etc. Some of our friends were so successful they retired at 40. The bigger issue is the moral and environmental one, but in terms of success and health, all in moderation in my view

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