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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be concerned about DDs occasional drug use?

999 replies

saltyskies8 · 25/05/2021 16:18

DD is 27, living in the city as a single professional and has a fantastic social life (in normal times!). We are very close and have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell me about most things I'd say. Since moving to the city for work a couple of years ago, she's openly told me that her and her friends will occasionally use cocaine or MDMA on nights out or in and that it's very much normal amongst everyone she knows there. DD is otherwise very fit and healthy and personally, I see her drug use as entirely normal for someone of her age group who is young, single and enjoying life in the city.

DH and I got talking last night after watching a series on bbc3 about drug use and I mentioned DDs recreational drug use, which he was not previously aware of. DH is highly concerned and has accused me of being irresponsible for not being concerned about her health and advising she seeks help. I explained my view that most people in their 20s living in the city are doing this and he believes I'm completely deluded and DD has a problem.

I'm genuinely interested to know others thoughts on this? AIBU in not being worried about drug use at this stage in DDs life?

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread :)

OP posts:

Serpenta · 25/05/2021 17:25

@hagtry

I think it’s pretty usual. I’m in my 50’s and it was the same when I was in my 20’s.

Have times not moved on though? I mean my parents generation thought drink driving was ok & seatbelts were optional.

No because drugs will be new to each generation and there will always be a significant number of people overcome with curiosity or looking for a high.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 25/05/2021 17:25

Shocked that people think this is normal. Though I had a bf that thought doing cocaine most days was normal but he's just my druggy ex.

IEat · 25/05/2021 17:26

As open as your daughter is there needs to be boundaries about what she tells you. Why does she feel she has to tell you? Is it because she wants to stop but can’t and so wants you to tell her not to do it?

lanbro · 25/05/2021 17:27

I'm 41, I've spoken marijuana a handful of times and taken mushrooms once, in my experience drug use is not the norm. I know my sister did coke in her late teens, best friends with a dealer's gf, but generally in my peer group we did not take drugs.

It is good that your dd can confide in you if it does become a problem but I think you're kidding yourself if you think it's the norm

bananapumpkin · 25/05/2021 17:28

@bungaloid

My main problem with a standard anti drugs stance, is people who will drink to excess on a regular basis but be holier than thou in relation to "illegal" drugs.

Drinking is an issue, but a completely different one. Alcohol can kill you in the long term but it's not the Russian roulette of one bad dose giving you a heart attack. Nobody risks their life to bring craft beer into the country. Waitrose's wine specialist is safer company than the local crack dealer.

Oblomov21 · 25/05/2021 17:28

It's amazing the spectrum of posts you get on MN re drug use.

Standrewsschool · 25/05/2021 17:28

These threads worry me as I know I’m naive when it comes to drugs, but dc has entered a profession in which young professionals can indulge. I hope he’s strong enough to refuse, and say No.

Bagamoyo1 · 25/05/2021 17:29

@Kapalika

I’d say you were unlucky she confided in you actually. You can’t stop her and now you at odds with your DH. I mean it’s recreational and hopefully it won’t be an issue in the future. I’m more concerned about alcohol abuse generally.

Most drug use starts out recreationally . Not many people set out to make themselves unwell.

Serpenta · 25/05/2021 17:29

I do think some of the people on this thread who are 100% certain that their 20-something son or daughter has never done drugs would be surprised to learn the truth.

NewPanDrawer · 25/05/2021 17:29

Health-wise, it wouldn't concern me. Many people do it - nearly all of them are fine.

Does your daughter have a generally healthy emotional life? It sounds like it to me: a very honest relationship with you, and two parents who clearly love her. If so I'd say nothing much to worry about. The people who come to grief tend to be those who use drugs (predominantly alcohol in fact) to self-medicate for problems and dysfunctionality elsewhere in their life. Taking psychoactive drugs is as old as civilisation, and is not in itself dysfunctional.

FilthyforFirth · 25/05/2021 17:30

This is the problem with being mates with your DD rather than her parent.

I dont think its normal. I am mid 30s, lived in London ib my 20s, didnt so much as smoke a joint, neither did hardly anyone else I knew.

I agree with a pp, I find this kind of drug taking a big tragic really...

Your DH is right. Yabu

nordica · 25/05/2021 17:30

I lived in London throughout my 20s and never took drugs or mixed in circles were it was considered normal. I know a few people who did and would, though, but it's definitely not something everyone in their 20s in big cities does on a regular basis.

I can't really imagine telling my mum about drug use and her being ok about it, though! Are you not concerned about the long term effects or a bad batch causing severe effects?

Jent13c · 25/05/2021 17:30

Yeah super normal...that must be why I spend last night looking after a 30 year old with psychosis who spent the night handcuffed to the bed while we medically sedated her so she would stop attacking us. Jumped on a moving car in the car park. No past medical or criminal history. One dodgy street benzo.

Sorry but I have no time for the 'its not a concern argument'. Drugs are obviously unregulated so you have no idea what you are taking. We can minimise it by calling it a 'bad trip' but I've had patients seizing, foaming at the mouth, naked, aggressive etc etc etc. And thats the ones that are not taken straight to ICU and ventilated.

Serpenta · 25/05/2021 17:31

Most cocaine deaths aren't from a bad one off batch. It's due to a habit, like alcoholism.

lisamarii · 25/05/2021 17:31

At 27 I'd of thought she would have grown out of it. I have never touched drugs as I'v never felt the need but friends who smoked a joint occasionally were doing so around the ages of 17-20.
I'm not surprised your DH is concerned - as others have said all it takes is one bad pill and that's her life over. You come across like you're desperate to be seen as cool.

WetWeekends · 25/05/2021 17:32

@mistermagpie

I've never taken drugs in my life and neither has anyone in any of my actual friendship groups. There was a bit of weed around when I was at uni but that's about it.

Your her mum and she takes illegal and dangerous (don't pretend they are risk free) drugs regularly. I agree with a pp that really being a bit concerned is the very very least you can do, if you love her. I find it a bit odd that you're not.

I'd be mortified if my kids took drugs personally.

I’d honestly be more worried about my kids drinking too much. You’re so vulnerable when you’re drunk, far more so than when you’ve taken the kind of drugs OP is talking about.

hagtry · 25/05/2021 17:32

No because drugs will be new to each generation and there will always be a significant number of people overcome with curiosity or looking for a high.

But surely more people know about county lines & child sexual exploitation now?

bungaloid · 25/05/2021 17:33

But that's the point isnt it? It's about context, education and behaviour. No-one ever "accidentally" killed themselves being super pissed? Fallen in a river? Made a bad decision drink driving? Killed someone else through drink? You don't hear that much in relation to MDMA. Despite what people here say, it's perfectly possible to take MDMA or cocaine in a fairly safe way.

BigHeadBertha · 25/05/2021 17:34

Not trying to be nasty here but tbh you sound too eager to be seen as the "cool mom" and/or to possibly have a drug problem yourself and therefore be trying to rationalize the use of narcotics as something normal when it's not.

Your grown child already has plenty of foolish young friends. She doesn't need her mom to be another one of them. You likely have far more influence on her than you realize. How will you feel when this illegal, dangerous, risky behavior of hers leads to tragedy, knowing that you stood there applauding it?

DdraigGoch · 25/05/2021 17:34

So your daughter is well aware that the kid delivering it wasn't just doing it as an alternative to a paper round, and she feels fine about this?

And you too are quite content with overlooking the damage she is doing to others?

FWIW, I heard that one person I used to work with does cocaine occasionally. I never liked him, less so now I know.

SunnyMustard · 25/05/2021 17:34

Isn't cocaine super addictive? I'd be worried. If you are close you can tell her how you/father feel.

Brainwave89 · 25/05/2021 17:34

My view would be that you are correct OP. Most 20 somethings working in creative or city jobs will be occasional users of MDNA and cocaine. I work in the city and this would be my experience. Mostly they do not come to harm, but it goes without saying that there are risks. Use can spiral out of control and though rare, there are bad batches of both MDNA and coke which can cause severe health issues. As a parent, the fact it is common does not make it right and I would note concerns with a DC that was involved in either. However, I would not be unduly concerned.

toocold54 · 25/05/2021 17:35

She is 27 way too old to be taking those types of drugs! Which would worry me.

Yes some young people take these types of drugs usually 18-25 years old. But many, many don’t (me being one apart from cannabis and alcohol). If she had taken them a few times to try it then I’d say you’ve got nothing to worry about (apart from the obvious) but by 27 most people have become more mature and realise the dangers so it sounds like this is a bigger problem than what you’re making it out to be.

Nanny0gg · 25/05/2021 17:36

@bungaloid

I think it depends on your own experiences, but I'd say 20% in that sort of age group makes it fairly mainstream. I don't see a huge personal risk from taking MDMA or smoking weed, they are pretty "safe" drugs. But then I'm from a stable middle class background. Those from a working class background should steer well clear.

😱 What?

sundaylunday · 25/05/2021 17:37

@saltyskies8 has done a runner now.

Not sure why people post when they only want to hear agreement. At least come back and justify your stance in a discussion.

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