To not be concerned about DDs occasional drug use?

[saltyskies8]

DD is 27, living in the city as a single professional and has a fantastic social life (in normal times!). We are very close and have the sort of relationship where she feels able to tell me about most things I'd say. Since moving to the city for work a couple of years ago, she's openly told me that her and her friends will occasionally use cocaine or MDMA on nights out or in and that it's very much normal amongst everyone she knows there. DD is otherwise very fit and healthy and personally, I see her drug use as entirely normal for someone of her age group who is young, single and enjoying life in the city.

DH and I got talking last night after watching a series on bbc3 about drug use and I mentioned DDs recreational drug use, which he was not previously aware of. DH is highly concerned and has accused me of being irresponsible for not being concerned about her health and advising she seeks help. I explained my view that most people in their 20s living in the city are doing this and he believes I'm completely deluded and DD has a problem.

I'm genuinely interested to know others thoughts on this? AIBU in not being worried about drug use at this stage in DDs life?

FYI I completely appreciate there are ethical issues in terms of gang crime, county lines etc. but DD and her friends are already well aware of this and I'd rather focus on the health aspect of this for the purpose of this thread :)

Well all I can say is that as someone whose ex boyfriend ended up lying in an intensive care bed after taking some "bad" ecstasy, you'd be best doing a good chunk of research on the possible health impact.

I wasn't into that scene. He was. I thought like you until I had to visit him in hospital and see all the tubes and machines. We were both 19.

He survived. He might not have.

We are still in contact - he's gone on to marry, have children and enjoy a successful career... that was touch and go.

Now, if either of my children showed any inclination towards drugs I would certainly not be unconcerned - quite the opposite.

Don't kid yourself OP. People don't always win when they gamble.

@EYProvider

Does the truth hurt, *@Blossomtoes*?

What?

@Owlina

Legalising drugs does not solve the problem of human beings normalising unhealthy, idiotic behaviour.

At least decrim models make people more likely to seek help for drug abuse problems, lowers teenage drug taking etc. Criminalisation and the war on drugs is simply ineffectual.

@Owlina - I agree decrim models make people more likely to seek help and are much better than the current status quo. However, the humongous health impacts and also links to domestic abuse and violent crime associated with the perfectly legal use of alcohol indicate to me that normalising drug use by telling your children it’s fine because everyone their age is doing it, is not the best approach. Vast numbers of people have harmed their health through alcohol because they thought their behaviour was “normal.” It’s cold comfort, after all, that there is marginally less stigma associated with being an alcoholic or suffering health consequences linked to alcohol use, if you and your family are the ones having to live with the consequences.

There will always be people who want to experiment and take risks and for whom part of the thrill is the illicitness of what they are doing, but there is no need to try to make those people the “normal” ones and everyone else who does not want to risk their short and long term health in this way the odd ones out who feel pressure to join in because it’s “normal.” I would always want to make sure my children were genuinely aware of the risks of behaviour that is quite clearly at the higher risk end of the spectrum of human behaviour and is not something the majority dabble with, and would never just shrug and tell them it’s OK while they are young and healthy because it’s pretty “normal.”

Please don’t condone this. My ex (Londoner) snorted cocaine regularly and even though this seems a standard in the city, I most certainly do not view it as a standard and should be held to account.

I joined a high pace city law firm in 1999. It wasn’t normal and we were told in no uncertain terms that there would be zero tolerance if caught. I’d be worried for lots of reasons.

What difference does it make if OP doesn’t ‘condone’ it?

She can talk to DD about it but DD is an adult and can make her own decisions. She’s not likely to change her behaviour on the basis of what her mum says.

I think it IS a lot more common than some on mums net realise clearly. What isn't as common is for kids to be as open and honest with their parents so I think its amazing she has this type of relationship with you. You reacting badly or with horror would not stop it. The fact you know means to can be aware to any thing changing. She will grow up and grow out of it like most people do. The things you have said don't lead me to believe you have anything to worry about.

YANBU - it is very normal, if not as widespread as it used to be. When I was that age about 80% of my friends/peer group were the same as you DD. I would be concerned if it increases from 'occasional' to every week, but I'd say the same about having too much alcohol every week. If she's sensible then she'll grow out it soon enough - just be glad she shares with you (we never told our parents anything).

I dont think id be massively concerned
Massively common amongst city professionals. Id talk to her about staying safe, not overdoing it. Harm reduction. Being careful where you score. Knowing when to call it a day etc

Sorry but you would be amazed by the number of “occasional” users that overdose, they say they don’t use it often then my daughter who’s a paramedic has to deal with them after their “occasional drug use on a night out to have a good time”. It’s not acceptable and you are being unreasonable, your husband is right. My daughter deals with deaths through this sort of thing…..would you want your daughter to fight to save a life and fail then have nightmares from the consequences of this - if your answer is no then surely you know it’s not acceptable it’s people like your daughter who are destroying people like mine. Sorry for sounding off but you need a wake up call.

Owlina The Drug Classroom and PsychedSubstance on youtube are also quite good. There is a lot of great harm reduction materials out there now which is great as I think across all drug types, discussing harm reduction to self and others is important.

EYProvider The language you're using perpetuates an ableist idea of disabilities as a punishment. We have to be careful on that as it tends to lead to less consideration and more neglect and violence towards disabled children and adults.

We can discuss harm reduction, potential risks, and the research on trauma response being mistaken for ADHD in children due to the effects on brain development without treating children like I was as gotchas. The vast majority of children who present with the exact symptoms I did will have parents who didn't do drugs or have other chaotic elements. The truth in these things is way more complicated than X results in Y.

I'm far more than ten years old (not sure what that has to do with anything, drugs are far older - hell century and more ago, many of these illegal drugs were given to children as medicine), but I'm a child of "druggies" which caused a whole host of things. I know others who didn't, whose parents did a far better job keeping it out of sight.

Drug use - including alcohol - is definitely a risk factor, problems with it are a recognized adverse childhood experience in research, but what counts as a 'problem with it' is still up for debate just as it is with alcohol, especially when we consider that some recreational drugs are also medicinal drugs. My mother had an issue with certain prescription drugs that had some of the biggest affect on me, like many drugs meant to relax, they lowered her inhibitions on her aggression, but I wouldn't say everyone who takes them is a terrible parent. I'd be condemning every parent with chronic pain or anxiety that is managed by drugs into that category, and that's just not right.

One of the worst things growing up as the child of drug users were other adults -- the ones who knew, who saw as the problems became bigger, and seemed to enjoy the view as better parents and better people. I don't think they were.

@bungaloid

My main problem with a standard anti drugs stance, is people who will drink to excess on a regular basis but be holier than thou in relation to "illegal" drugs.

I can be almost 100% sure my alcohol hasn't been mixed with rat poison, or whatever.

I can also be almost 100% sure my Alcohol hasn't been part of criminal activities or the abuse of children/women.

But I no longer drink that much either.

Seen a lot of people saying most people in the city don’t do one type of drug or another, this is just widely untrue.

The older I got the more I realised that more and more people do, this isn’t exclusive either to young or single people, married people with children, retired people, honestly drug use need decriminalising in a manner akin along to Portugal,

I personally know people whose mental health has been ruined by drug use, and people who have made catastrophically bad life decisions following drug use... so it's a YABU from me.

It IS seen as normal in a lot of friendship groups in their 20's, in my experience. My concern would be if she got hurt while taking it or getting addicted, which is a very real possibility as a lot of people who take it get depression or struggle to regulate their mood and take it more. Take this from someone who's brother is currently in jail as his cocaine use spiralled to the point where he was wreckless and a danger to himself and others and ended up driving while off his face and running someone over. If it was my DS I'd be really worried about it.

It only takes one bad dose to kill her.

Whilst I wouldn’t say it was entirely uncommon for people in their late teens or twenties to experiment with drugs it also isn’t just completely normal either. I never did. My husband only did drugs twice as a teen one of which was a bad batch of X which resulted in a trip to A and E for about 6 people that night. One of my friends smokes weed occasionally and always has but none of the rest of my friendship group during my twenties were doing drugs. A woman I used to work with used to do cocaine on nights out but everyone at work generally considered her to be a bit trashy and rough.

All these people criticizing OP: what do you suggest she does that you think would actually work?

DD is 27 years old. She makes her own choices.

@prinzy I can only speak from my experience of 20 yrs in the city. I’ve never done drugs. Neither have any of my close associates. If anyone working for me did, I would sack them in accordance with my firms policy. It’s risky for so many reasons. Because you might overdose, because you are more likely to put yourselves in situations where you are vulnerable, because you might be taking something cut with something else, because you may get addicted and because it affects your ability to perform at your job.

@BiBabbles

Sorry if you don’t like my language, but I am telling you straight - children whose parents take drugs have behavioural problems. I’ve sat through enough child protection meetings to be sure of this.

[quote EYProvider]@BiBabbles

Sorry if you don’t like my language, but I am telling you straight - children whose parents take drugs have behavioural problems. I’ve sat through enough child protection meetings to be sure of this.[/quote]
Some of those children have behavioural problems. You haven’t met every child whose parents use drugs, the vast majority never get anywhere near a child protection meeting.

I think it’s very naive to think young people don’t dabble in drugs and massively naive to think it’s a city thing. My mates from uni that did the most drugs were all from rural areas with bugger all else to do in their teens. I also think it’s more of a class based issue. None of my friends from working class backgrounds every touched drugs but my private school mates were at it from 13 up. More access to money and much more freedom.
I did drugs when younger, I was lucky I didn’t over do it to the extent it effected my life prospects. I was regularly doing pills when Leah Betts died. Made me pause but didn’t stop me. When you’re young you don’t think it will happen to you. My parents would have bet their home I’d never touch drugs and nor would my friends. How wrong they were.
I hope my kids don’t do drugs but am not novae enough to think they never would. I hope they don’t have unprotected sex, drive too fast or do other risky behaviour but that’s as far as my control over it goes. I have spoken to them about drugs, my eldest knows I did drugs and knows I am fully aware of what the signs are if they choose to indulge. I’ve asked them not to and said if they do to please tell me. I want to be able to monitor so it doesn’t get out of control.
I think OP you have a realistic view on this, luckily you have a very open relationship with your daughter which is much better then those parents that have no clue so can’t keep an eye on the situation until it does get out of hand.
As a nation we need to have a more grown up and practical approach to drugs then we do at the moment.
By accepting that drugs are being used we can approach it in a way that reduces some of the problems. If drugs were regulated they wouldn’t be as dangerous, you remove the dealers and issues from that and can generate tax revenue. Clubs could have testing facilities to make sure what is being consumed is legit and not part Ajax. I think we need less Pearl clutching and more sensible solution based approach.

May I add my two penneth.. I'm sure some of the posters on here would be mortified if their child/ren took drugs.. Maybe when your children are older they will confess to dabbling or using.. It is more common than you all think.

I think it’s very naive to think young people don’t dabble in drugs and massively naive to think it’s a city thing

Some young people do (and plenty of older ones too). But an awful lot do not. It's not naive, its reality.

You keep calling other people naive.
how do you know you are not also naive

and she is doing drugs everyday